Suicide Obssessed... Anyone Else And What To Do?

[Deleted member 29899]

Suffering from C-PTSD.
I have been obssessed with suicide starting two traumas ago, so for years now but more severely since last recent trauma. (With actual suicide attempt, and planning again.)
There is not a single hour that goes by without thinking of dying. All my affairs are in order, just did new will. Letters have been written.
Cannot afford my therapist anymore.
The crisis line was of no use when I've called them in the past.
Was hospitalized before but I came out even more traumatized plus there was NO help in there, no counselling or therapy, also it was not an environment conducive to sleep, especially when suffering from extreme insomnia for PTSD.
I am more afraid to live than to die. I struggle to survive each and every 24 hrs. Afraid to sleep and afraid to wake up.
Is anyone else in this condition or have you been in this condition and gotten out of it????

 

[twinkle30]

I don't know if this helps since you might be an atheist but I turned to God when I felt this way. I felt this way not because of PTSD but because of other things in my past. I guess it took a lot of the burden off of me to turn to a higher power. Not saying it's a miracle cure but it helped me get through it. I just knew in my heart if I had enough faith he would get me through and he did. I am no longer depressed and haven't been for years. Now I just need him to work on my PTSD :)

 

[Deleted member 29899]

I turned to God my entire life. No more. (I won't bring up all the loss so that no one can bring up Job.)

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Thanks anyways Twinkle. I wish I was still in that headspace. I am not.

 

[Fadeaway]

I have so much I want to say regarding your post. I have sat here for a while trying to think of where to begin and but so much wants to come out all at once it gets stuck. So I'll just say this I can relate to a lot of what you have said. But I only ever contemplate "affairs in order."

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Oh they're in order alright, all valuables are packed in one spot, heirlooms packed in one spot, stack of letters to people, goodbye gifts in bags for people, letters to executors and power of attorney and lawyer.... Boxes of valuables packed for people. It's insane. I live amongst boxes that are designated for other people. It's surreal. It's a bizarre feeling. It's a very detached or dissociated type of thing living like this. It's terrifying. It's like listening to a clock go 'tick........tick.........tick......'. It's hell.

 

[reallydown]

I can relate to thinking about it every day. Mine is still more ideation at this point. Haven't written any letters etc though I have thought about doing so and getting everything ready. And I am terrified of ending up in hospital. I have managed to avoid it thus far but from various people I know...it's not a good experience by any stretch and certainly not conducive to any kind of healing. With all that said, I am not sure what to do. I tried crisis line but only because I haven't made up my mind to do it yet (if I did, I wouldn't tell anyone...) and honestly, therapists etc seem quite useless here. One suggestion that may work at least temporarily...if you do have a good friend, maybe you can talk about suicide with him/her. Not saying the friend would change your mind but maybe talking about it with someone you know (and hopefully trust) might relieve things for a while. I know that having talked to a friend I didn't have any contact with for a year helped me shift a little away from it (I was pretty close to deciding, I think).

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Ohhh I feel so sad after I read your post, that really is desperate measures when one contemplates that they want to take their own life x I considered it many years ago but it was my children who are grown up now that got me through . Please don't do this to urself or your loved ones that youl I leave behind to grieve for you, surely there is more support out there for you x EFT is available free on you tube it's fantastic please try it, your life is precious there's probably so much you can offer to someone , I know it's hard I live my life on s daily basis thinking when is my next episode of flashbacks gonna happen I just finished a really bad dose from wed to sat and yes I hate hate hate them hate feeling the way it makes me feel but I learn to move on and continue to fight it coz I personally don't want my rapist or abusers to win to control my life anymore than they did x I won't let them win but yes it's a struggle x I wish I could help you more , maybe a hug x a prayer and I'm here if you want to chat . I feel very sad though please don't do it unpack them boxes and start again x my thoughts are with you always xxx

 

[Care Bear]

@imok That hurts my heart to read that. Some people here have offered good suggestions, my next would be: burn those letters, unpack those boxes and put your lovely heirlooms on display. This let's your rational mind communicate a message to your emotional mind "I am going to live!" (even if you are not sure how yet).

 

[twinkle30]

Imok it doesn't seem like it now but whatever is troubling you now is not permanent. You are going to make a permanent decision to a temporary problem. Every single problem I have had in life I have survived and they have passed.

 

[falling_wave]

I agree with Care Bear that it might help to unpack the things you have put in order. It's seems that you do want to live even if just a bit since you are posting here. Acknowledge that and give yourself credit. I think it might be helpful to consider medication. I've had severe suicidal ideation so I know how intensely painful and hopeless that can feel
I think at the point you are at medication might be the quickest and safest way to stabilize a bit. Then maybe look into other options for healing and free therapy. Many universities have therapy clinics for post masters student with free therapy and some agencies do free or low cost. You can run an online search for free or low cost therapy in your area. Major problems can feel all consuming but they do pass every time weather weeks months or years it will get better.

 

[Sandstone]

I know from experience that thinking about suicide can be comforting, because it promises you a way out. I also know that there is no easy way out and up. If only there was something that was guaranteed to work.

You aren't alone, many of us have walked that road before. The fact that we are still here shows that there are ways ahead. It sounds incredibly trivial, but have you tried distraction? For me classical music and drawing were soothing, and took me through another hour, and then another. Are there things you can use to fill your mind?

What help and support do you have? You've been diagnosed with CPTSD - are you getting any treatment following on that?