Struggling With My Husband Not Understanding.

[Leah Morgan]

I can't leave I have no where to go and I have two children to consider they are the only thing that keep me going, even though they tap right into my spinal column I do love them. And don't want them to be the product of a broken marriage and then a child who falls through the cracks and gets bullied or worse abused

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Sometimes being a "product of a broken marriage" is better than being a product of an unhealthy marriage, which right now is what youhave. What are your kids seeing as an example of how relationships work right now? Not much positive. You either have to find a way to communicate with him, if you think it's worth it, or you have to think of a way to find a way out for you and your kids that will allow you to get the support you need in order to heal.

 

[digger]

And don't want them to be the product of a broken marriage and then a child who falls through the cracks and gets bullied or worse abused

Hmmmm.....I don't if you have boys or girls, but I would give this one a bit more thought. If you have girls, what do you think they are learning about being in a relationship? What are they learning about the types of treatment they should put up with from their partner? If you have boys, what are they learning about being in a relationship? What sort of behaviours are they learning as acceptable ways to treat their future partners?
Do you think watching him ridicule and bully you isn't going to increase their risk of being bullied or being bullies? I'm not sure which cracks you're worried about them slipping through, but are you sure this relationship is preventing that?

Sometimes being a "product of a broken marriage" is better than being a product of an unhealthy marriage

^^^this^^^

 

[Recovery4Me]

If you can not change your circumstances in the moment, then I gently offer, change yourself through continuing therapy and doing boundary work. 'We' are the constant in all that we do, feel, think or share. So it is important to regain self esteem for your self and in order to role model this to your children. You may have PTSD, but it does not define all of who.you.are.

You are opening up on the board, putting yourself out there, being vulnerable and searching.:tup: That is courageous. Be kind to yourself on this journey to heal.

:hug:'s if you accepted

 

[joeylittle]

he says he doesn't have time.

I think the one line you need to draw in the sand is that he has got to do some counseling, either solo with your therapist or (ideally, in my mind), the two of you together with your counselor mediating. From this:

We used to have so much fun and laugh all the time.

I'm guessing he might be a high-energy joker by nature - and that might have been the coping device he developed to deal with challenges in life in general. But using those coping devices is causing you a lot of pain - and if he loves you, he would not want to cause you pain.

What he is doing is bullying.

If he thinks it's not a problem to hurt and bully you, then I don't think you need to be married to him anymore. Better or worse, sickness and in health. He's got to make some adjustments.

If this conversation with him is too stressful, can you reach out to someone who he's close to, and enlist their help? It's not like he's keeping anything a secret, anyhow.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

don't want them to be the product of a broken marriage

I think you should challenge your black and white belief that broken marriages are bad and unbroken marriages are good.

I am the product of an UN-broken marriage. My siblings and I all wished it had broken long, long ago.

I understand that your own personal circumstances lend to this belief......but would you tell a friend to stay with her abusive husband because unbroken marriages are better for the kids?

 

[Leah Morgan]

I think you should challenge your black and white belief that broken marriages are bad and unbroken mar...

I guess not, but I did really love him and I thought he really loved me and he's a fun dad. I'm a bit stuck I don't trust myself or my judgement does that make sense?

 

[Recovery4Me]

Yes, I understand. It is one the possible by-products of trauma &/or abuse. You are new here and it takes time to sort through everything. So please do not feel pressured to make a decision in this moment concerning the marriage and all the ramifications. Just breathe, know you have a support group here :) and strongly take a step towards getting an Therapist. It is an important step that is pro-you. Not anti-anything or anyone else.

Whether he goes or not, is down the road, ok? The next step is to find out who will work with you on a sliding scale to assist and then the hard part...convincing yourself that you are worth the funds to heal. Often in abusive situations, there is quite the resistance from the partner concerning funds going to mental health. "We can't afford it. Ok, but it will take from the kids!" are things that are sometimes stated. It is an uphill climb all the way. And if your partner is 100% for it for you...then you may still have to fight your urges to quit.

Healing takes courage. I believe in you and that you know in the long run, you can offer yourself, children and perhaps your marriage a more rich, beautiful through healing healthy you!:hug::hug:

All the rest will fall into place for these hard thoughts as you journey.

 

[Leah Morgan]

So I have left to stay with my mum for a few days taking kids with me. Mum is helping with them. But my husband has gone from snappy when I'm there. To kind gentle via text since I've been gone I'm so confused. But feel so numb

 

[Blackheart13]

Well I would appreciate any advice on how to help my husband accept me. I have PTSD with delayed ons...

So I have left to stay with my mum for a few days taking kids with me. Mum is helping with them. But...

Sigh...sounds like my boyfriend of 15 years. Everyone keeps telling me I deserve better. But we have 3 kids and I have nowhere else to go cause I'm broke and my family has shunned me. Hang in there. Life's hard enough to live and when u have no support it can feel unbearable. I try to Remind myself that I used to kick ass and wasn't afraid of anything! Before PTSD that is. Best of luck hun u r not alone

 

[Leah Morgan]

So I have been away to get a break, I stayed with my mum. whilst I was away I spoke to a friend over messenger about my relationship about how I felt and I don't know if I want it to continue. How he's always snappy and doesn't understand and is leaving me to do so much and how I'm really struggling. It turns out he had my tablet at home and was reading every message being exchanged. There was no lies on it which is why I'm not mortified at him finding it. But he thinks I'm the most awful person in the world that I hate him. Whilst I don't hate him I love him he does not make me feel safe. I said this to him and how he humiliates me. He says I need to communicate and make an effort. I feel so empty. I don't know what to do. I want my Sophie but he's so jealous of my two friends who are supportive he makes me feel like I'm not allowed to talk to them. The difference is there is no sexual desire between my friends and I, they don't humiliate me and they try and find solutions. He just snaps he admitted that he snaps and uses humour at my expense. But he doesn't think he's in the wrong in any way.

 

[Teasel]

Feel for you sounds like such a mundf*ck relationship - can relate as mine's been broadly similar. For as many years as I wished he would be a good partner to me he wasn't. Interesting that when you left to stay with your mum he was suddenly not only capable of being gentle and caring towards you but managed to be that way all of his own accord.
I wasted years wishing, hoping, trying to cajole him into being good to me and not one bit of that worked.
When I value myself and act like I count he has zero trouble in treating me well.
reading about codependance was important for me.
wish you well.