Dom Violence Needing Help Because He Tells Me It's My Fault

[Queen Boudica]

Oh and by the way, a partner hitting you it IS ALWAYS HIS FAULT NEVER YOUR FAULT.

 

[Queen Boudica]

It's just really hard to let go.

Once you let go and, believe me, I know how hard it is, and you start to get out of the fog and find yourself again you will be so glad you let go. You haven't been with this guy long. He is EXTREMELY VIOLENT and EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE and toxic. The longer you stay, the worse it will get. Free yourself now, you've not been with him long. Took me 24 years, I was wrecked. Don't let it go on year after year. I know how hard it is. You deserve better. He is sick, he needs to get help, not to destroy you because he can't get help

 

[wind]

Trust me. I know how I sound. I do. Irrational and stupid for staying despite all the odds being against me...

I know exactly how you feel - I loved my ex even though he beat me terribly - I understood he had problems growing up and I felt sorry for him. That being said, the sad truth statistically speaking is that these men who abuse for whatever reason don't stop without help that they initiate and waiting isn't going to miraculously cause that. His behavior is screaming that he isn't going to get help. I know you are likely afraid you won't be able to survive without him but my love for my ex was pretty deep and I walked away owning nothing and I made it - you can too - there is support out there to help you - do it wisely, do it now, and begin to live a healthy life - although you don't think you can make it, I am living proof that you can - and I can almost guarantee you you will like it a whole lot better!

 

[WasAVictim2]

I know exactly how you feel - I loved my ex even though he beat me terribly - I understood he had problems...

I just read this whole thread.
I really hope you got out !
Xox

 

[Groovychic82]

For the last few months my boyfriend has hit me.

It started around June when he got drunk and he was sayi...

When I read this, I honestly thought it was ME that wrote it. Aside from my husband being in the armed forces, this sounds like my story. My most recent issue was two nights ago when he blamed me for being up too late and he took my Insignia tablet and smashed it on the side of my head. He then said it didn't hurt me. I also have started taping him with my phone and taking pictures of my bruises. He has smashed walls, cracked my ribs through the years. He always says that I'm "the one with the problem". "I make him do it". When he's nice, he's the most wonderful guy, but when huge stresses enter his life, he can't handle it (he admits that) and he drinks way too much and then reacts in anger toward me. One night - December 18 2015 to be exact, he drank THIRTY BEERS - NO KIDDING - and spit on me for over three hours. He'd drink, spit, etc...my black jeans were covered with saliva stains the next day. At one point he walked outside to get another beer and turned around and said "I forgot something" and spit on me again. I don't have the answer to anything. My husband recently told me that he will get help if I make the arrangements. Hmmmmm

 

[dulcia]

I can relate to each one of these. Saving them more for myself than anything.

he got drunk and he was saying horrible things to me. I asked him to stop. He didn't. I slapped him.

I know hitting him first was wrong. I never have again.

he has chocked me until I couldn't speak or breathe.

he got drunk and called me a whore and a slut.

I ran for the door to get away. He grabbed me by the throat and threw me down.

I ran and locked myself in the bathroom. He got in and backed me in the corner to say it was my fault.

In the morning he said he wouldn't do it again

He said that this is my fault.

because I get an attitude toward him, I bring it out.

He tried to tell me last night that this was my fault, I was crazy and a psycho

vet with PTSD.

He blames me for his feelings, saying that I get an attitude

There are times where, one moment I am a good woman and he is a bastard, and the next I am a psycho and to blame.

for years he has displayed this same behavior, back and forth, flip flopping and blame game. I am not blameless I know. But I have owned up to it and taken responsibility.

But he keeps telling me I am to blame for our failing relationship

disabled through the VA.

When he hit me I would cry out for help and he would call me a psycho and crazy. If I locked myself in a room or grabbed something to defend myself I was crazy.

he would try to be better if I grew up and didn't have an attitude with him. He justifies his behavior based on that idea.

I can't talk to him about this because he blames me. He has even said I wanted him to hit me. I asked for it.

I love him but he makes me feel rotten

He makes me feel worthless

He just says "don't worry. We are good, I won't be mean"

calls my friends names and makes fun of my family

Whenever I cry I am being dramatic and a victim

He likes to say mean things to me right before bed then drifts off so easily.

He has said that numerous times that he is a bastard and hurts those he loves as a defense mechanism.

saw my tears and tried to make jokes. Then asked why I was crying so much. What was my problem? Any time I cry I am being dramatic. He acts as though I am overreacting and am a victim. He believes he does nothing wrong.

He said I need to learn not to trigger him. He also mentions he might be bipolar then says he isn't.

He blamed his ex for their demise as well. He says I'm worse. Yet I don't call him names like slut or whore and judge him for his past as he does with me.

He has admitted to having a problem. Then he says he is fine.

When something happens I text my best friend. Take photos of my injuries

He got mad because when we fought I would tell my mom everything that occurred. He said that was wrong telling our business to people in detail.

He told me he isn't happy and hasn't been for awhile. He said it's in part because I won't grow up.

I have never doubted or second guesses myself before.

He says that I'm not trying or putting forth an effort.

I got weary and he said "we are fine. We have been fine."

According to him he only got violent with her twice.

He is always so quick to blame others. Yet he has the same issues in relationships or single.

I know there are things myself I could work on. I can get worked up and yell when I am upset.

He always says that he is evolved and it's almost like he is looking for a partner to completely meet his needs and wants to the T.

But since he doesn't work he doesn't do any house work.

 

[leslie82]

For the last few months my boyfriend has hit me.

It started around June when he got drunk and he was sayi...

You need to figure out how to leave. Him being a vet with PTSD is NO excuse to hit anyone. Lots of vets and active duty have PTSD and they do NOT act like your boyfriend.

My ex husband beat me three times while we were together. The first time it happened I did hit him first but only because he had me pinned to the bed. He was drunk wanted to go get some food. I said no because we were both drunk. We were at a hotel. He came over and pinned me down. I got free and slapped him. He lost it. I waited one day to call the police. It turned into he said/she said over two months. I had to get the officer reassigned because she was meeting him on her off days and talking to him about the case. Telling him things I said. They put a male detective on it. I had a protection order but I dropped it after two months because I'm an idiot. I was close to his family. He was supposedly doing better. Blah blah. A few weeks later I got pregnant.

When I was five months pregnant he smacked the crap out of me. He comes and wakes me up middle of the night about wanting to go see his other kids who were four and a half hours away. I said no why? We see them next weekend. I finally gave in and a few miles out of town, he says he really wants to go get meth (he's a meth addict). I said no way and started to turn around. He punches my car window like he is gonna bust it and then starts just slapping the crap out of me. Black eye, bloody nose, busted lip. Day before my birthday. He did hit me in the side too. I took him to get whatever he wanted. Went back home. Went into the bedroom and stayed there all night. Told no one about that time. I tried to cover it up the next day but everyone knew. I had like five people ask me what happened. I lied. He texts me "I'm sorry. I love you. Happy Birthday." Yeah right.

The last time was when our daughter was four months old. Just got out of the hospital for the second time. He wanted some meth. First he lied to me he went to go apply for jobs but really he went and pawned his phone. He couldn't get anyone to get him any. So then he's a jerk all day. He said a friend was coming to get him but he didn't. I said just go take a walk. Just go leave for a little bit. He wouldn't. I said leave or I'll call the cops. He snapped and beat me, choked me. Our daughter was in the other room. She was the only reason I didn't let myself pass out. I think I almost did. When he was done I was by the door. I took my chance. I felt so bad I left our daughter there but if I didn't leave I didn't know what he would do. I knocked on all the doors. Finally someone answered. I called the cops. He went to jail. Got probation. I gave him another chance like an idiot but filed for divorce five months later.

It's not your fault. Abusers are manipulative. Very much so.

 

[anonymous]

Him telling you that it's your fault is clearly a red flag. That's what perpetrators say to try and control their victims.