Communicating Without Dramatizing?

[DogwoodTree]

My emotions are typically so locked down that I can't express pain or even happiness except through words...otherwise, everything is trapped inside and never really gets out. So of course I'm supposed to be doing a lot of writing (per my T). But...normal, everyday words don't do my inner experience justice. And using more colorful language (not cuss words necessarily, just more accurate and expressive words) feels like I'm being overly dramatic.

I don't want to dramatize my issues. I've watched way too many people...and fallen victim to it myself...turn into needy, velcro people who want everyone to notice their problems and feel sorry for them. So for that reason along with many others, most of the time throughout my life I've minimized my problems and emotions instead of acknowledging them, much less expressing them to others and trusting anyone to meet my needs.

I get that there should be a balance between minimizing and dramatizing...and that some of my stuff is legitimate...and that sometimes you just need to be needy for a while and throw yourself a little pity party and have someone validate what you feel even if it doesn't make rational sense. Then you get your head back into the game and make a mature, reasonable decision and move forward. So I guess my question is...how do I communicate these overwhelming feelings without dramatizing them, especially considering I don't seem to have normal outlets for this stuff (like crying or hugging someone)?

I wrote my T an email last night about something I'm struggling with in our relationship (I feel like my T doesn't like me very much and wants to shift me over to someone else, so I'm trying to express the fear I feel while still giving him the freedom to make whatever decision he thinks is best). I agonized over the thing, trying to make sure I genuinely made space for him to make his own decision, while also expressing that I still very much would prefer to work with him. I think I managed to not come across as too dramatic this time, but it's been a pattern over the past couple of years in working with various support people for my words to sound so crazy-dramatic when I read them later, even when I'm really trying to tone them down and sound like a reasonably sane human being. And yet...at times when I feel flooded with emotion, even the most extreme words don't come near to conveying what I feel, and it seems like I've "undersold" my experience by using inadequate words.

Not sure if any of this makes sense. I'm extremely disconnected from people emotionally, so I typically come across as muted and even cold, or just flat-out shut down. It's not that I don't feel, because I most certainly do feel things...very strongly (but often very delayed). There's just no other outlet besides words--but words don't do justice to what I'm feeling, and when they come close, it sounds so crazy and dramatic.

 

[Green pastures]

I totally relate to this. The emotionally withdrawn all the time. Sucks like hell. You are not crazy and I'm sure you are afraid. I cannot pretend I know how you feel or what you are thinking so I will say... I'm thinking about you and hoping and praying (if you allow me too) for you to have peace and self acceptance and not reject that you are okay just the way you are!!! Really that is true. You can only live moment to moment. I suck at it myself...yet believe it is a good thing to strive toward...especially with how disconnected from reality i feel like. Okay have a relaxing day!

 

[DogwoodTree]

The emotionally withdrawn all the time. Sucks like hell

Y'know, normally I don't like to reference hell, but in this case it's rather accurate. Hell being isolation from the Source of Love...yes.

At church this morning after the "meet-and-greet" portion of the service, one of the pastors got up and said something to the effect of, "Wow--if your love tank isn't full after all that, it must be welded shut!" Well, yes. That's it exactly. Thanks for pointing out yet again how isolated I am in a room full of people. (Although today I was feeling more at peace with my isolation, so it didn't sting like similar comments often have.)

Seriously...I could have spent that time in a completely empty room and not felt any less "connected" and loved. It's not that people don't love me--I was there with my DH and kids, who all love me very much and I love them. But there's no feeling of connection, especially not with other people. Nothing gets in.

Looking back on the morning now, I do have a sense of being more at peace this time with my DH and kids (instead of feeling an urge to push them away and keep my "space" open), and not feeling so repulsed by having contact with anyone else in the room, and not feeling desperately hungry to connect with anyone else (there are a couple of people there whom I very much admire and really wish I could have a closer relationship with them, but none of that has worked out despite efforts to build those friendships).

It was like I was just, I don't know...grounded...within the isolation...and being okay with that for what it is. But the effect is that I'm really disconnected from what's going on in the group, and can only be in contact with one or two people at a time in certain circumstances, like playing with my boys during the worship (it's very loud), or talking with one friend and her daughter after service.

It was nice to be more relaxed about all of that today. I pretty much had to tune out the lesson, though, because everything that was said sounded like it was on a completely different plane of existence from me. (Imagine the sensation of listening to a sermon on how important it is to honor your parents if your parents were both long-time abusers...it was that kind of disconnect, but on multiple levels.)

 

[Green pastures]

Yeah. I use curse words and hell a lot. Only because it is just how I feel completely. And yeah people who say things that hurt so much you want to scream...as in what they said about not feeling love.... I know when that happens to me I want to sink into nothingness and disappear.

Memories hurt too much. The one thing that I realized today as far as church is concerned... my dad is a pastor. .my current pastor reminds me of my dad sooooo much. Everyone who was at my hur h when my dad was there knows it. Before today it didn't bother me but today... I'm in a pseudo reality still I have no clue what the sermon was at all. I sit with my husband and he falls asleep every time. It is annoying but predictable. My kids are in junior church during this to me and before that they are sitting in the pew because both my husband and I are on stage singing. I'm not sure where I am going with this except I hear ya and totally understand! (Hugs)

 

[shrinkingviolet]

As much as I think it is important to share your feelings, I understand keeping it all in, especially if you worry about judgment or that others are burdened by them. Feeling that way myself today. My family loves me but as far as the empathy chip or respecting or even trying to understand how I am feeling, it's just not there. It is so frustrating I want to scream. Sometimes it gets really tiring putting on the mask and going through the motions. Sorry for the ramble. Just know neither of you are alone in what you are feeling.

 

[Green pastures]

@shrinkingviolet ...it is on them if they can't deal with how you are at any moment. Masks are what I do ...did...how I survive/survived...yet I think they are terrible. ...as in keep us from healing. It's okay to let yourself be yourself so you can heal..*realize as I say this I'm saying it as much or more to myself also!!!*

We cannot be responsible for others people's feelings only ourselves. Live in the moment and do what you feel is right. Even though I feel like I die when I make mistakes...supposedly it's how one learns and gets stronger not sarcasm just I can't believe it all the time or much at all.....
@shrinkingviolet try to just do what you can to be yourself. You really do deserve it and really are important and really are worthy! Have a relaxing restful evening! (Or whatever time it is where you live)

 

[joeylittle]

I get that there should be a balance between minimizing and dramatizing...and that some of my stuff is legitimate...and that sometimes you just need to be needy for a while and throw yourself a little pity party and have someone validate what you feel even if it doesn't make rational sense.

I think maybe if you replace 'dramatizing' with 'catastrophizing' it would be easier to deal with.

Dramatization implies exaggeration, and as I read your post, I don't know that you are necessarily doing that. But to catastrophize something is to allow it to be so impactful as to kind of be unrecoverable - which is more like the opposite of minimizing, which is to make something so tiny as to be insignificant.

Does this sound like its on the right track?

I guess a personal example might be, if I were trying to describe my startle response these days -

The objective description: nearly any sound that resembles a door closing will shock me enough so that I jump, my heart rate goes up, and I'm sure something bad is coming, specifically to hurt me. It doesn't matter if I can see it coming or not. I am aware of being triggered, and never lose track of where or when I am, but it's definitely upsetting, and it's disruptive. Happens about 80% of the time - 20%, I'll hear a door close and be OK. I'm not sure how to get that to stop happening.

Minimizing: Doors closing bother me a little, just the sound. Makes me nervous, but not the worst I've ever felt. It barely even happens. Probably, I should just work harder at not letting it bother me.

Dramatizing: When doors close I jump out of my skin. It's so bad, I can't even think straight - and then this huge looming fear comes, and I think I'm going to die. It's like teetering on the edge of a flashback. Any door - it hits me like a ton of bricks. It's going to kill me.

Catastrophizing: Every time a door shuts I think it's going to lead to me experiencing the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. My heart goes faster than it's ever gone, and what is going to happen to me if I can't live my life because every single door is like I'm going to be raped all over again? It's not all the time now, but I'm afraid it will be. It will never stop.

Honestly, it's a really subtle distinction (coming up with examples was super-hard) - but the dramatizing, when you compare it to the objective description, is just exaggerated - magnified bigger than it is, and expressed mostly through experiential, emotive language.

The catastrophizing uses a ton of words like 'every', 'always', 'never' - and predicts that there is likely no solution.

This might have been the most useless post ever, but hopefully there's something useful in it.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Honestly, it's a really subtle distinction (coming up with examples was super-hard) - but the dramatizing, when you compare it to the objective description, is just exaggerated - magnified bigger than it is, and expressed mostly through experiential, emotive language.

The catastrophizing uses a ton of words like 'every', 'always', 'never' - and predicts that there is likely no solution.

Your dramatizing example feels like it helps draw me into your experience, other than the last part with the definitive statement "It's going to kill me"...which seems to fall over into catastrophizing I guess, if I'm understanding what you're saying. So dramatizing = drawing someone into the emotional experience? And catastrophizing = speaking in inaccurate absolutes?

If that's correct...

I think I see what you're getting at with catastrophizing. I try to avoid absolute statements like "never" and "always" because I recognize there are so many exceptions to just about anything. But then there are times when I purposefully use an absolute statement to try to get the point across.

Like...I don't think I've ever felt a real, emotional, trusting, freely open connection with anyone. I've always faked connection so the other person would feel better. So after a difficult session with my T a couple of weeks ago where I was feeling particularly hopeless, I emailed him "There's no connection, ever." And I meant it. I really don't feel like I'm ever present enough with people to be connected with them, even in the most relaxed atmosphere. Maybe it will be possible some day, but I've not gotten there yet. And instead of screaming and crying in the email and pitching a fit and pointing out all the things that bothered me about the session and running off on rabbit-trail-rants...I just made a couple of simple statements that said exactly what I was thinking, and that was one of them. So is that catastrophizing?

Dramatizing...I think of one of my sisters, who used to break down crying at the littlest things when she was a kid. I think of another sister who makes a big deal out of any little slight towards her (I think this is because she can't bring herself to face her real issues, so little stuff helps validate the way she feels without solving anything...it's a familiar tactic to me because I used it myself for so long without realizing that was what I was doing). I think of my mom who takes the most benign things as personal offenses. It's like it's...a determination to be hurt by anything and everything...a commitment to being offended as often as possible in order to continue justifying one's victim status.

Maybe that's what the difference boils down to? Catastrophizing = no hope for a solution. Dramatizing = always a victim. The first is hopelessness. The second is victim mentality. Maybe????

Anyways...I'm really not sure I've yet figured out the middle ground between minimization and catastrophization. I can go to either extreme (although only the minimization gets expressed out loud), but the momentum back and forth swings me right past the middle ground.

 

[joeylittle]

Your dramatizing example feels like it helps draw me into your experience, other than the last part with the definitive statement "It's going to kill me"...which seems to fall over into catastrophizing I guess, if I'm understanding what you're saying.

yeah, that's what I'm trying to get at - except if we add the negative connotation to dramatizing (because you seemed to want to avoid it), there's always something like "its going to kill me" which will seem overblown. Catastrophizing I think always (oddly) keeps one foot in the reality of things.

I know another useful way to frame obervational statements, even ones about yourself, is to make sure you address who, what, when, and where - but leave off 'why', because that's where there will likely be a departure into a cognitive distortion.

So in the example you gave about no connection, It's only making sure your communication is fully framed. When you say:

"There's no connection, ever."

You are kind of declaring that it has never been, is not, and will never be.

But following your entire thought process, below:

Like...I don't think I've ever felt a real, emotional, trusting, freely open connection with anyone. I've always faked connection so the other person would feel better. So after a difficult session with my T a couple of weeks ago where I was feeling particularly hopeless, I emailed him "There's no connection, ever." And I meant it. I really don't feel like I'm ever present enough with people to be connected with them, even in the most relaxed atmosphere. Maybe it will be possible some day, but I've not gotten there yet.

I used bold for good bits - "I don't think I've" (with think) allows that you may have, but were unaware or are still open to considering that you might have. "Always faked connection" is honestly, too big to be true - even if we simply accept you can't know for certain. "Ever" and "Ever present enough" also have a degree of absoluteism that I think goes with catastrophizing. "Maybe it will be possible...not there yet" is a great, balanced thought.

And if you look at the sentences with italics in them, you'll see they all contain a 'why'. But your last sentence does not. It says who (you) what (it - meaning, achieving connection) when (maybe some day) and where ('gotten there', ie the future point where you will connect).

To just balance the statement to your T, you'd need to say ..and then (oh yeah, theres more :)) you'd be advised to flip it to the observation of what is present rather than what is absent. This is often called positive and negative reasoning, but it doesn't mean 'good' and 'bad', just there or not-there.

So, this:
"I do not feel connection to you in our sessions".
to:
"I feel disconnection from you in our sessions"

Check your who, what, when, where:
I (who), feel disconnection (what) ??? (when) in our sessions (where). "From you" is vague.
I (who) feel disconnection (what) while looking for empathy from you (when) in our sessions (where).

(I just made up "while looking for empathy", there's a million statements that can go into there.)

Could this be more annoyingly pedantic? Maybe, but doubtful. :bag: I do find, though, especially if you are using writing as a tool and a strength, that its worth it to just write about how it feels, what you are trying to say - the whole thing, just let it get out - and then look at what you have said and re-work it when it is distorted, framed to the negative, or is loaded with 'why' but is missing specificity of who, what, when, where.

There's a huge difference in cognitive reinforcement between "always" and "nearly/almost always". As soon as you can say "almost always", you can ask yourself - is that true? And it might be, or it might be more like "when in my public life", or "when interacting with my family", etc, etc.

Someone should take me out and shoot me, I swear. But this is the kind of stuff that really helps me understand very intense feelings I have, without getting totally overwhelmed or discouraged or just making myself feel worse. It also really helps when I need my therapist to understand that yes, it is 99% of the time - you do not need to assume I'm distorting, or challenge it, I've already done that, thank you. It's 99% of the (problem) - and I can tell you about the 1% when its not a problem, although I have no f*cking clue why.

Take anything that's useful, and really, dump the rest. :unsure:

 

[DogwoodTree]

So, it seems to me that the nature of feelings, by definition, is to be cognitively distorted. I don't have any problem functioning from my brain most of the time if that's where I need to be...very much a thinker...logic.

Through my writing, since that seems to be my only avenue of access, I've been trying to get in touch with those very powerful emotions, stuff locked away from the light of day for most of my life. Aren't emotional states tied to the present experience (even if they're coming in reaction to past experiences, it's really not an emotion unless you experience it right now...I think)? So it seems like it would make sense, and even be somewhat accurate, for an emotional experience to be expressed with more absolutist language, especially if you favor in an IFS-like understanding of parts.

So...the part saying there's never any connection...would be making a very accurate statement...if there really is no one in my adult life or even in my conscious childhood who I can point to and say...that person was/is a safe person for me to show emotions to. (And really, I can't think of anyone...I've never freely expressed this stuff face to face with anyone...I can either flatly report the details, or I shut down, or occasionally (like, maybe twice) I've had a melt down of sorts where I cry but only near someone, not with them, if that makes sense).

I'm starting to understand that a dramatic, cathartic kind of emotional explosion isn't necessarily a good thing, even though that's what we see on tv, and was/is the only kind of emotional release that gets any attention in my family (though it's not good attention...and that's why I worked so hard to avoid it). So I'm learning to not expect that kind of release of the pressure. But it seems it has to reach a very high level of flooding before it has any chance of overwhelming my defenses. And disassembling the defenses hasn't worked yet, despite decades of trying.

 

[DogwoodTree]

especially if you are using writing as a tool and a strength, that its worth it to just write about how it feels, what you are trying to say - the whole thing, just let it get out -

This is the part that sparked those comments...sorry, forgot to include quote

 

[joeylittle]

So...the part saying there's never any connection...would be making a very accurate statement...if there really is no one in my adult life or even in my conscious childhood who I can point to and say...that person was/is a safe person for me to show emotions to. (

Yes - and actually, the detail is a huge improvement - esp. defining adult and conscious childhood and defining connection as 'show emotions to'.

If you look at it and pretend you are the therapist for a second - now, theoretically it's their job to help you re-frame and to get mores specific WITH you - and also to not make assumptions. BUT, they are people too, and miss the mark sometimes. So the more you can completely and accurately describe your emotional symptoms (I think) the better - plus you are participating in your own cognitive re-development/trauma-mending.

So, it seems to me that the nature of feelings, by definition, is to be cognitively distorted.

No - I think its probably the nature of feelings in people who are under emotional stress, which you kind of are by definition if you have PTSD. But feelings themselves are part of human experience. it's when the feelings are tied to thoughts that warp reality. "My future is hopeless: I am alone, but I will never find a partner - I am at least five years away from being ready to make that kind of connection again (if I'm lucky), I'm not attractive by anyone's standards, I had my chance and it's over for me." - my feelings of sadness over being alone are real. My inability to find hope on my own for myself is real. But those feelings are tied to thoughts that are basically deducing the future based on the past (cognitive distortion called 'fortune telling'), one based on assuming I know what others think when they see me ('mind reading'), and an absoluteism - one chance and blew it - that is false (all-or-nothing, or black-and-white thinking).

To say, "I don't know how to find or experience hope for myself, because I really am alone right now and have been for some time, and it makes me really sad to be this alone. Looking at my past, I don't know how to project a future for myself." - already starts to get at ways to maybe solve the problem.

In a therapeutic exchange, the client (you) could start with the first statement, and through dialogue with the therapist, you could get to the second one - until you are better at just getting to the second one. Then, you can say them both :)

I think a lot of what we do in therapy is both have that catharsis - releasing our pain, anger, fear, etc - and also, learning how to think and talk about our pain in ways that do not lead to more and more flooding, but instead, lead to some kind of relief.