Poll Why Did You Return To Your Abuser? Including Abusive Families

[Justmehere]

This is a shoot off from this poll: Have you ever reconnected with an abuser after you left them?

In this poll, I would like to know why others have reconnected with abusers. It's a common phenomenon. It's one of the ways trauma survivors reenact trauma. Below are some of the reasons that I have read as some of the reasons people give as to why they go back to an abusive person who has hurt them in the past.

I'm still sorting out why I have done it myself. I think it was partly out of fear of doing something different, and fear of being alone. This is especially true for going back and reconnecting with my family around the holidays. It was so painful to be alone, that I went back. Sometimes it went ok. Sometimes more abuse happened.

There are a lot of theories about why people return to their abusers. The compulsion to re-enact trauma and the power of trauma bonds is a complex subject, and one that is not fully understood. In this poll, I'm more of referring to the conscious justifications we give ourselves as to why we go back to the abuser.

This is not a thread to judge anyone for doing this. Just a chance to look at reasons why people do this. It's a step towards being more aware and finding other ways to meet the sometimes superficial, and sometimes very core, reasons why people go back to those who have abused them in the past.

 

[Friday]

I'm an "other". I did it to protect my kid. As long as I was married to the bastard I could not only get in between my now-ex and my son, but they had near zero contact. At most an hour or two a week. Versus split custody, where he has him alone, for 6 months a year... And I can't stop jack shit from happening.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I too am another, I did it to fully expose myself in self therapy so as to better understand the mentality of my abusers, to try and get my head round why.

 

[Casey_03]

I did it once for a strange reason. I didn't go back to him, simply set up a meeting. I did it to harden myself, or at least that's the only explanation i have for it. For years after the incident, any sign of him or reminder of him would make me go cold -- completely numb, no emotions, calculating, and quite frankly, scary. Seeing him made me not human. But I used that as a defense mechanism - I LIKED feeling like a sociopath. It was my way of reassuring myself that no one would ever get in again. So I guess I saw him to flick that switch and turn on that defense mechanism. I literally just stood across from him in the street for a minute, no words. And that was enough to go cold again. I think that I did this when I was just starting to process what had happened and just starting to feel emotions, which scared me. So yeah, it seemed like a good idea at the time to shut them all off.

 

[Changing4Best]

I said OTHER because I had no way to survive financially without being with someone who would help pay the bills. I also was abused as a child. So I may have had feelings about both times in my life when I felt helpless.

 

[Kintsugi]

This is a super interesting poll. I focused on my primary abuser--my brother--in this poll. Bringing my ex into it would make my responses all over the place (even more so than they are).

I think it was good for me to identify which of the above is true to my situation with my brother. Everyone is always asking "When?!" (will I try again--uh never thanks) and "WHY?!" (did I stop contact to start--STFU assholes). No one asks about what went on when I gave my brother another shot... and another... and another...

I hate it, but among my answers I clicked "I missed them." I did, though. My brother and I had always seemed to have the perfect relationship, like best friends. *gags violently* It was a f*cking mirage.

 

[iwannadeletethis]

This is a shoot off from this poll: Have you eve...

He was really inside my head and convincing when he said things would be better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I healed. Period.

My mom's voice used to send me into episodes. Now I am OK being around her for periods of time. Never thought that would happen. I am emotionally able to handle her, and I have strong boundaries. I don't hesitate to enforce those boundaries, and I don't react to everything she says. It wasn't a conscious choice.....the reactions used to be automatic and I had no control over them. Now I don't have such reactions.

 

[iwannadeletethis]

I healed. Period.

My mom's voice used to send me into episodes. Now I am OK being around her for p...

Awesome :) that's so great!!

 

[Bookoffee]

I said OTHER because I had no way to survive financially without being with someone who would help pay the bills. I also was abused as a child. So I may have had feelings about both times in my life when I felt helpless.

This is one of my reasons. I fear homeless again and I dont have enough trust in myself to be alone.

I healed. Period.

My mom's voice used to send me into episodes. Now I am OK being around her for periods of time. Never thought that would happen. I am emotionally able to handle her, and I have strong boundaries. I don't hesitate to enforce those boundaries, and I don't react to everything she says. It wasn't a conscious choice.....the reactions used to be automatic and I had no control over them. Now I don't have such reactions.

I can't hear my mothers voice when I do my complete identity changes to a small little girl. My behaviors become uncontroled. Just writing this is making my ear drums ring.