New Here - PTSD from Childhood

[livelysue]

Hi I am new to this site. I suffer from PTSD. I may have been suffering from symptoms of PTSD for most of my life as per my phsycologist. I will begin at the beginning. I was adopted more than once before the time I was 4 years old. I do not remember much about this time but the doctor thinks this was traumatic enough that I would not remember it but it did affect my mental state. I was a quiet child who had trouble making friends and was picked on the whole time growing up. My father, God rest his soul, was verbally abusing towards me for most of my young days, but he was diagnosed in my twenties with manic depression which the doctors believed was why he treated me the way he did. When I was about 15 years old, I stood at the sink with a bottle of pills and was contemplating suicide because I felt I could

 

[anthony]

Hi Sue,

Welcome aboard. It just never amazes me anymore the things that go on in this world to children. The lifelong effects I am seeing here is nothing short of astonishing. My wife and I "fockerize" our little one, so they grow up with love, not hatred, around them. That is from the movie, meet the fockers! We loved the term Dustin Hoffman used in that, we use the "focker" method raising Gaylord, being the lots of love method, compared to the Uber method being used on the other little fella.

Anyway, the good thing is, is that you have stepped beyond denial, are here for starters acknowledging you have PTSD, and are willing to help yourself. You really should give yourself a big pat on the back for just getting here and talking about the issues at hand that have given you PTSD. Well done, and congratulations. I know its not easy stepping up with PTSD, and all off us who have, are really doing ourselves are very large favour in getting ourselves a lot better, and trying to live some sort of semi-normal life again.

I imagine it was pretty tough for you standing at that sink at 15, wondering whether its easier to end it all, or fight through the emotions and feelings to live life with an illness, that I assume you didn't even realize you had at the time. Honestly, well done and congratulations to you. You are walking, talking, breathing proof that the strength of will to live is more powerful than anything this disorder can throw at us.

 

[Deleted member 3]

Hi Sue,

Welcome aboard. Like Anthony I cannot believe the things that happen to little children. I had a rough start in the world myself but I was one of the lucky ones I guess, my biological father was a bastard (to be nice), my stepfather not much better but thank the lord I had my mum. It would have been a lot harder for me without her and I imagine I could have well ended up where you are now. The anger I feel for adults hurting little ones is indescribable. Anyhow like Anthony has said we 'fockerise' our little one so he never has to grow up with the crap that adults dish out for kids. I wish more people would realise what a blessing children really are perhaps then they would hold more value in the world.

Thankyou for coming to the forum. I hope that you can get some help here even if all it is for you is a place to vent. Take care, I am sure you can benefit from the wealth of experience from the other people on this forum.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Hi sue, you've found a great place to discuss PTSD

 

[piglet]

Welcome Sue. I am one of a sad many who does know what can happen to little kids. Just starting to get out of the denial thing and try to sort myself out. It's a hell of a hard road to take, but I believe the rewards will be worth it in the long run. This is an excellent place to help you deal with all the crap, as everyone understands something about what you are going through - sometimes even when you don't understand it yourself!

 

[anthony]

sometimes even when you don't understand it yourself!

Oh yer... now that is some serious fact. The amount of times others here have helped me, I couldn't count all fingers and toes, thats for sure.

 

[livelysue]

There is more to the story - it got cut off.

I am 35 years old now. At 24 I was in a car accident and the affects of the accident drove me to drinking and partying even more than I was already doing. At 27 I met my husband and we were married in 2000. In 2001, my husband and I were in a car accident and my symptoms progressed to the point where again I felt like suicide. At this time I also met my birth mother. It was a real emotional time for me. I could cry at one moment and exlpode in another. I started seeing a phsycologist and it took two years for the phsycologist and a neurologist to diagnosis me with PTSD.

In the mean time I lost my job which put me in a further downward spiral. I was on paxil at the time and ended up at the maximum dosage but the symptoms were getting worse and I was again contemplating suicide. My doctor had retired so I had a new family doctor. Between my family doctor and the phsycologist they decided I needed to change medications and in September of 2003, I was switched to effexor. Well in a month I became pregnant which was uplifting. Things should have been going great but my father was diagnosed with cancer at that time. Well, the outlook for my father was not good and we did not expect him to live past Christmas but he did.

In March of 2005 I ended up in the hospital as I was bleeding and they were worried I would lose the baby. In May I had further complications and had to go off work as they thought I could deliver any day as the baby was in position to deliver at that time. On July 18th my father collapsed at home and went into a coma. The next day was my baby shower and we were going to cancel but decided to go ahead as it would take our minds off my dad. At the shower, we got a call that they thought my dad would not make it more than a few hours. We went to the hospital and I ended up having one of my attacks. I hardly went into my dad's room for the next few days as an attack would start when I did. Two days later we went to make funeral arrangements for my Dad as we knew he only had a few days left. I started labour while there but did not realize it. At eight in the evening the family would meet to be with my dad. I went to emerge and told them I thought I might be in labour. I sure was my contractions were a 2 minutes apart.

Well, it was three days later when I had my son on July 23th. Connor was 7 pounds 3 1/2 ounces. He had complications right away and was airlifted to the IWK in Halifax, NS. The next day July 24th was my worst day. I got a call from my husband that I was needed in Halifax as they felt the baby was getting worse. I was then sent by ambulance from PEI and while on route my dad died. Also on route to the hospital I almost died. I was bleeding to death and my kidneys had started to shutdown. When I arrived at the hospital and finally came too, I asked to see my son. They wheeled my son in and told my husband and I there was nothing more they could do for him. I got to hold him and as I was holding him we made the decision to remove the breathing tube. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I got to hold my son after he passed away as well.

Then next thing I am in ICU and they are trying to figure out where I am bleeding from and they cannot give me anything for pain because of my kidneys. They eventually found a pain medication I could have and I then had to have four hours of dialysis. The pain medication was two fentnel patches on my back so I could have a steady stream of pain medication, followed by two dilotids every four hours and then tylenol in between if I could not make it the four hours. I was in Hospital 28 days from the day I came in in labour. I got home and at first things were ok between me and my husband.

He would not talk about everything that happened and I felt that was his way of dealing with things. I kept everything inside and was getting really depressed. I was trying to keep up with my husband but I was getting worn out doing that. Thus more depressed I got. I had no one to talk to and If I tried people would say you need to get passed all this and move on. Including my husband. I finally went back to work in February of 2005 and things seemed to be getting better or so I thought. The finances were starting to get caught up and things were starting to get better for the most part. My husband would still not talk about things.

In April we met with the Geneticist and found out our baby had a condition that 99% of the time is genetic but in our case it was not. This was reassuring but they did say my son and I had the chicken pox. I called the IWk and spoke further with Dr. MacMillan as to what all this meant as the genetisict could not go into it as it was not her area of expertise. Dr. MacMillan said that this was a case that never occurred anywhere in the world and they even checked with infectious diseases and they were amazed. The reason being that neither my baby or me had the virus in our blood and the only way the were able to determine this was when the did a test of the babies liver. The case will now be added to the medical journals and hopefully this never occurs to anyone else.

When we got home that night my husband said to me that he no longer felt the same way about me anymore. He went into a lot of critiscm of me for things and I nearly lost it. He had met a girl through our bowling league that I had been previously warned about by other women several months before. I was told that she wanted my husband and she did not care that we were married as she has done this before and destroyed other marriages in the process. At the time I thought this was just woman talking and spreading rumors. I point blank asked my husband if he was having an affair with this woman. He looked me in the eye and said no. I put myself in the hospital the next day as I was becoming very suicidal. While in the hospital, my husband came to visit and me, my doctors and his parents asked him again if he was having an affair. Again he said no. The week of the anniversay of the death of my father and my son, my husbands girlfriend came to my house and admitted to me that her and my husband were having an affair and had been since long before we met with the Geneticist. I was floored, I questioned my husband and he admitted to it but said to me it was a mistake for him to have done that but he was having trouble dealing with everything that happened. We both started to see the phsychiatrist.

He had one appointment. I was told that he had not dealt with everything and that this woman was his escape route from dealing with everything and he needed to speak with someone about his grief. I told him what they told me and he said well that is not what they said to me. Things seemed to be better at least for a little while. Then the day of his Grandfathers birthday he was going to bring the girlfriend to the celebration with me there because the girlfriend was pressuring him to do so. I lost it with him that day and that is the day his parents found out about the girlfriend because his brother told me either I told them or he would have. My husband came back to me crying and apologizing and really wanted to make things work.

You can just imagine what I was going through. The ups and downs were tearing me apart. I believed him and was always taught we need to forgive one another. I am a christian and I do not believe in divorce even though I am allowed to as he committed adultry. Another week goes by and he leaves me a message that he needs to go and figure things out and he needs time. Finally, I thought he would go for help. I did not see him for about two weeks. We did talk almost everyday. We were able to talk again like we used to and I thought, well there is still hope. I came home from work one night and he was sleeping on the couch. I woke him up and asked him if he was home for good because I could not go through this again. It was to hard on me. He said yes but the next Friday he took off with the girlfriend and left me with no way to work. I just lost it and through all his stuff outside and told him to come pick it up as I was so angry.

I ended up in the hospital again as I was contemplating suicide. I heard one of the nurses say to the doctor, she is only saying she wants to take her life but she would not. If only that nurse knew that when I was taken to my room that I contemplated taking the sheet off my bed and tying to the grate above the bed. I did not do that but came close to it. In the hospital I ended up passing out and hitting my head on the floor in my room when I got up to turn on the light. The doctors finally realized that I have low blood pressure problems. I had to be put on days at work because of this and this has caused more problems at my work. My coworkers make a point of making digs about that fact that I am on days and they are not and they make other comments about me as well. Not a good situation.

My husband is now with this woman but anytime he has troubles-financially he calls me looking for ways to eleviate his debt. I took over full owner ship of the house and he was to take full ownership of the car but my name is still on the loan.

I now have been trying to cope for about 5 months without any medication as the medication affects my mental capacity. Sorry for such a long drawn out story. I just feel like I am taking 2 steps forward then end up back in the same place. I do not know where life will lead. There are days were I feel if my husband was here I would not be struggling as I am. I still have hope that we may be able to reconcile or differences when we both have healed. I know I have a lot of healing to do and I want to help others get through there struggles by getting my story out. I am not looking for sympathy just a place to find support and a place to give support.

 

[piglet]

Holy shit, you are one hell of a strong woman!!!!

 

[livelysue]

thanks for all your words. Some days I am strong other days I lose it. I have a really good friend who is there for me when I start to get down. Tonight we are going to see Ice Age II I think. My father's birthday is this Friday so I will see how I do this year. Last year I was still recovering so I was focused on that.

Take care all

 

[YoungAndAngry]

It's so important that you have that friend to help keep your mind off of things,

On bad days, you just have to take it hour by hour,
it's hard... but trying to keep yourself busy helps

 

[anthony]

Holy shit Sue... I hope you feel a hell of a lot better now! That is a whole lot to happen to a person in such a short period. You are certainly one very tough and strong person, because your still here to tell the story. Congratulations and you really should be patting yourself on the back daily, just for fighting this.

I tell you what though, your awfully forgiving to still say you would take your husband back after what he has done. I have had a few offers from women whilst being married, and though I had plenty of opportunity to take them up on their offers, I still said no, and that I could only be their friend, nothing more, nothing less, as I am married, and do love my wife very much. Cheating is one thing I don't condone, and once you step over that line, a person has made their choice. I am certainly not a forgiving as you, thats for sure.

I know I have a lot of healing to do and I want to help others get through there struggles by getting my story out. I am not looking for sympathy just a place to find support and a place to give support.

You are in the right place. This forums aim is exactly as you have depicted... in that its not about sympathy, but resolution, help, a place to get things off your chest and feel better within yourself, and the knowing that everyone here supports one another with the same daily struggles.

Your not alone. The only thing that differs between us all, is generally the way in which we got PTSD. The now daily struggles and problems are all shared together. Individual traumas need to be hit head on, and not stepped around if we are ever going to live some sort of semi-normal life with our health intact. What most people forget, or simply have not thought about, is that the symptoms of PTSD have a rather large impact on our actual general health, in that when stressed and anxious our heart and other organs work in over-time, thus possibly reducing our life spam, or making us prolonged for heart attack, or weight can go on when depressed, and stripped when stressed and anxious, our brains are hyper vigilant, working many times more than a person without PTSD, etc etc. You need to take care of you first, that is priority, if you want to help yourself gain control of your PTSD.

Even with the terrible time you have endured, you sound fairly good considering, which is a really positive outlook. I say congratulation again, for beating what you have already suffered, and choosing to fight past these life problems. The grass is greener on the other side, and your life will improve by fighting PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 3]

Sue,

What can I say? I read your post earlier today but found that words escaped me, which if you knew me, you would find hard to believe. Like Anthony and I keep saying to one another, you think you have seen or heard the worst it can possibly get AND then there is more. What a courageous woman you are. I can't begin to imagine how rough the last couple of years have been for you - let alone your start to life. I can only hope things look better for you soon and that of some the support you need can be found here. Take good care of you, talk here as often as you need to.