Random Memories A Pre-cursor To More Memories?

[Rainydaiz]

I am beginning to see that I was sexually abused as a child. I am beginning to remember in a non-cognitive way - flashbacks, night terrors, body memories, fear of being with/near my dad etc. I have one picture memory that might link as well. Since I have begun to accept this I have started having the most random memories come up related to childhood - things I had completely forgotten about. I remember them as I am dropping off to sleep. So far I have remembered: a red sports bag my dad had. Then I remembered he played squash and him showing me how a squash ball worked. Then his bull worker. Then a painted wooden chair in mum and dads room. Then their headboard. Then the chandelier they had. Then a record - Animal Magic - Johnny Morris (UK children's programme). This was on one occasion. Then separately I remembered my childhood bed in the most amazing detail. Then last night I remembered a kazoo type whistle my dad had; that he used to do a magic trick with a paper bag and pretend to throw something in it and would tap it to make a noise, a French knitting doll I had, and a Ladybird Book - Toys and Games to make. I had not thought about these things for years. It is so strange that I am remembering them now. Has anyone else had something similar happen? Did you begin to get other repressed memories of the abuse come back after - is this a pre-cursor? I would really appreciate your thought on this. Many thanks.

 

[WillyKat]

Periodically I've remembered small things. Unlike your case, they are most often isolated snippets without a lot of vivid detail like what you're describing. Just a week or two ago I remembered something about my abuser's house: it was very dark and one wall had a crucifix and a picture of Jesus. That's it; no context.

Is it a precursor? Well, I don't think there's any definite answer there. But I would suggest that if your mind is opening up enough to remember those things, I wouldn't be surprised if you remembered more. My former psychologist told me, when I asked if I would ever remember everything, that I might when I'm strong enough to handle it.

So maybe you're strong enough.

Keep in mind that during trauma, the part of your brain that records normal events is dialed down to 0 or maybe 1. The part of your brain that handles fear, fight, freezing is dialed up to 11. So trying to recover traumatic memories may be futile in some sense because they may not have been recorded in the first place. Hence, the fragments, impressions, snippets and lack of context. So you may not ever remember in what you called the cognitive way.

I understand this might be a bit frightening, but if you're about to remember something bad, it may also mean that you've healed enough to handle it. In any case, let us know how it goes.

 

[Rainydaiz]

Periodically I've remembered small things. Unlike your case, they are most often isolated snippets with...

Thank you WillyKat. I appreciate your taking the time to reply.

 

[Jobriel]

I have been in a similar position. As I have been exploring the possibility of trauma, I have been remembering lots of little things about my childhood. They don't seem to be related the the trauma(although I can't know for sure since I don't remember trauma), but they are like little pieces of my past that I didn't know were missing until I remembered them.

 

[Rainydaiz]

Thanks Jobriel. It's strange isn't it? Glad I'm not the only one. Thank you for your reply.

 

[katz]

Hi, everyone. I hope someone might have some advice for me. I know that I was "hurt" when I was a child. So far I have identified 5 different "demons". Some are in the family and some are not. I have pictures and stories that I have wrote down over the years. (I have a journal that goes back over 30 years. )But, I don't seem to have the physical and emotional parts of the story.

I come from a very un-emotional family. So, I can't find it in me to feel or mourn these memories. I remember crying lots and lots while I was growing up. Could I have just cried out all my pain as a child?

As I got older I just managed to forget my whole childhood. So it wasn't till may years later that I started back up and continued my story. Now, I've gone thru many councelors and two husbands over the last 20 years. I know that I will not just forget these terrible things again. (I have a pretty good narrative of what happened, just no emotions or feelings)

Then last weekend, it finally happened. I was feeling so very sad all day Saturday. It was a very rainy day. (one of my "times" it happened, it was on a rainy summer night, so I know that that is probably started it.) I felt so...heavy. I was so sad. I couldn't figure out why. Then, later that night (Saturday) I woke up with a start. I mean I just sat up in bed. I looked around the room and reassured myself that I was safe and at home--my home. Then I realized what I had just seen....(sniffle, sniffle). It was not a "story" memory. It was just a picture, a scene. It flashed for only a moment, but it was enough for me to realize what it was. It was me. I have a exceptionally bad "demon". I have always known what happened, even what he did. I just didn't have any feelings to go with it. The picture of me that I saw--for only an instant--showed me that I had gone thru soooo much more than the story I had been believing in for all these years. It was one of those things that we all wonder how a human being can do that to another one, much yet a child.

The picture shook me up so much that I got our of bed and went out to the living room to sit. I began crying, and I mean sobbing, quietly. My husband heard me or realized I was gone. He came out and just sat with me. He even had me sit on his lap while he rocked me. I was sobbing with no noise. Not even a sniffle. My body just shook with sadness. I know that there is a whole lot more in me--with just this one "demon". Who knows what will happen with the others?

Is this what I have coming? Will they all be like this?

 

[WillyKat]

@katz, I know it may not seem so at first glance, but that knowing, that fact passing through a boundary of awareness is a form of healing. It's a sign of strength. You remember now because of one reason: you're strong enough to handle the awful truth.

So try to smile even if you have to cry at the same time. You're strong enough to face this and you're strong enough to talk about it here with us. This may not be a happy moment, but it is powerful with meaning and important for your life history. I would recommend chocolate if it's handy.

There's no way to be sure if more won't come up. But I think if it does, it's for the same reason, that you feel strong enough to face it. If more does come up, come right back and tell us about it.

 

[katz]

Thanks, Willkat. I appreciate your note. I have no doubt that I will have more to come, lots more. And your right, I know that the memories only come thru when I'm ready to face them. I have always believed that the human brain is very unique and does things for a reason. I was hospitalized 3 times. I have always believed that this was because too many memories came thru and I was not old enough to handle them. I really hope that it won't take the rest of my life to "just remember" them. I want some time to "get past" them, once I have faced enough memory from each "demon" that I have to remember/deal with.

 

[WillyKat]

It's possible that you may not remember everything. I know I don't and doubt there's any more down there. During trauma, the parts of the brain responsible for recording events is turned down to near zero while the parts responsible for fight, flight, and dissociation are dialed up to 11. You many not recover any memories simply because they were never recorded to begin with.

That's why dissociative amnesia is a better term than repressed memory.

Anyway, I think that once you recover enough memories, the remaining details, if any, may not be all that important.

 

[katz]

I completely agree with you on not remembering everything. I'm sure I won't. If anyone else has read any of my other posts, then I'm sorry to repeat myself.

I see my past as a room. There are many papers all over the floor. Each paper is a memory. I pick up a paper, when I'm ready. It will bring more memories to the surface. I can cry and process it for as long as I choose too. Enough to feel it has been cried out. Then I can file it away in the file cabinet in the corner. I know that I will never get rid of the memory forever because it is a part of my past. But, this gives me time to feel and process this piece of information. (I have a lot of trouble "feeling" )This makes it easier for me to handle. One memory at a time. Then put it away when I'm done. Hopefully, not having it bother me anymore--or at least enough to upset me. If it comes up again, then I can usually just acknowledge it and go on, because I know that I have grieved enough of it to put it where it belongs, in the past.

 

[Rainydaiz]

Hi Katz. Sorry I have logged onto here for the first time in ages and just seen your post. Sorry to hear you are having a hard time at the moment. I have only had a couple of flashbacks myself -very spread out. I swing between frustration at not remembering to not needing to know as it is too scary. I guess it's different for all of us but I agree with Willykat that they come back when we're strong enough to remember. My t says I might never remember but I don't need to remember to heal. Sending hugs if you like them. Thinking of you if not.

 

[Jnean]

Reading these posts have been helpful. I had a concussion two years ago and have been remembering very little detail but none the less sexual childhood trauma. There's one image that's been bothering me of someone dear to me. It's me in a bathtub with this persons face only, tunnel vision surrounding his face. He's the only one that ever bathed me as a child. I see my T weekly. Just felt like sharing. It's depressing because I love this person and this persons health is not good.