Is It Better To Forget?

[Anna Roberts]

My trauma is bullying-related, but the thing is that I don't remember very much of it. I only remember the worst and most recent incidents, and know that I was suicidal for four years and had to be hospitalized at one point. I also know that I self-harmed quite a lot, and that I needed to be taken out of school after five years of bullying. I also know that I've been in therapy for years, and that I was on many medications that never really worked. Most of the traumatic memories are just blurs in my mind, little snippets of sound or light or color, selected taunts, etc. The only time those memories come out is in my nightmares. I can't remember a lot of what happened, and it's really been bothering me lately.

I know that I kept a journal, though, and I've read parts of it and it's very thorough. So my question is this: Is it better to keep those memories locked away or try to tear down the wall in my mind protecting me from them? Should I go back through my journal and try to remember what happened? Do I want to know the truth and the full extent of what happened? Otherwise, how will I know that what happened was as bad as I think it is? What if it wasn't quite so horrible as I imagine it? What if it's worse than I remember? Or is it better to forget and let go and try to move on?

Also, is it normal for people with PTSD to not remember their trauma or am I just crazy?

 

[joeylittle]

So my question is this: Is it better to keep those memories locked away or try to tear down the wall in my mind protecting me from them?

Have you asked your therapist? Do they have an opinion?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is it better to forget?

Well, no. You'll see stories of people here on the forum who are fully symptomatic but have little to no memories of the abuse. Some qualify for the PTSD diagnosis except they have no memory of the trauma itself, so that's the only snag in keeping them from being diagnosed with PTSD. In short, no *conscious* memory of the trauma doesn't mean that all of your problems will go away. The subconscious mind locks everything away.

Is it good to dig into memories?

No, it isn't. I suggest working on healing and your mind may release these memories when you are ready. If you force the memories forward, you may regret it. You could spiral into a bad episode.

I know this probably isn't the answer you're looking for as it sounds like you have a bit of urgency to heal. The truth is that we don't dictate how fast we heal. We can only do everything within our power to heal but the ultimate timeline for getting better is set by our mind.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I would read the diary, perhaps it might be an idea to take it into therapy and to work through the journal with your therapist - a little bit at a time.

 

[Ronin]

I tend to think forgetting can be better... temporarily. Really depends on your circumstances. Long term? It's just a complication.

Crazy, you're not.

Is it just about your healing or do you have other people relying on your remembering? Two different scenarios altogether. (While 'bullying' would more likely imply the former and so does your post, I can't simply know the complexities of anybody else's situation so throwing the questions out there, didn't want to assume.)

 

[Changing4Best]

I forgot my abuse entirely, my mind shut it out 100%. Then after years of therapy, it surfaced. And then I had about 2 years of remembering it, sometimes in detail and sometimes just vague memories. I was not able to get therapy during that last part, as I was homeless. Eventually with therapy, I have been able to blend it all back together in my mind into some semblance of order.

I am not sure what to advise you other than to say that you need your therapist to go through all of this. Don't try to do it without him or her. It could be dangerous to address without therapy, especially since there is 4 years of being suicidal involved.

 

[Changing4Best]

Oh, and you are not crazy, bullying is a real issue for which some have committed suicide and died. Often it is the ones that have no one to turn to. Don't do this alone!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with Meadowsweet. You are not crazy. And you are not alone anymore as you have us here to listen and to support.

 

[Anna Roberts]

Have you asked your therapist? Do they have an opinion?

No, I have not yet talked to my therapist, but I am planning to.

 

[Anna Roberts]

I would read the diary, perhaps it might be an idea to take it into therapy and to work through the...

Thank you, that's a good idea.

 

[Anna Roberts]

I forgot my abuse entirely, my mind shut it out 100%. Then after years of therapy, it surfaced. And...

Thank you for your advice.

 

[Anna Roberts]

I agree with Meadowsweet. You are not crazy. And you are not alone anymore as you have us here to listen a...

Thank you for your kind words. :)