So yesterday was a "hard" one. I was feeling a bit down. I sent him a text in the morning, "I need strength today" followed by "...do you love me?" After about an hour he replied, "Yes. I do." I answered, "okay". Well, it was still sort of a down day, so in the afternoon I sent him another text (yes I broke my own rule about only texting once a day....) that said "I hate that I don't know what to say or do". I didn't get a reply right away, nor did I expect one. Last night he texted me, "do you want me to call for a little bit tonight? Will that help you?" I felt so bad! I felt guilty and happy all at the same time. I answered "that is completely up to you". I certainly didn't want him to feel pushed. He answered, "I will later tonight"
He did call, but I was still in a somber place. I was kind, but distant. I was feeling unsure, so I didn't want to make things worse. I explained how I'm feeling to him and we had a decent conversation. I told him what I needed from him and what I was willing to do. He told me that he appreciates what I am doing, but isn't ready to say anything else and wanted to go, so I told him goodnight. It sucks to be so vulnerable. I know logically that everything is going to be okay, because the signs are definitely there, but it still hurts in the meantime. It's hard not to take it personal, when it involves the most personal part of your life.
I'm frustrated that such a sweet man doesn't see any of the good in life right now...especially between us. I hate that he doesn't see the love and the effort it takes. I hate that he's unhappy and because I'm closest to him, it's "all my fault". He knows it isn't, I know it isn't, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel like it is. Grrrrr.....Damn you PTSD!!!! (shaking my fist wildly)
