Deal Breakers

[Deleted member 1860]

I have a hard time determining when to be forgiving of someone and to keep them in my life, and when I should just let them go. That is, I don't know how to determine what my relationship deal breakers are (friendship, partnership, or otherwise).

I have two people in my life right now that I'm struggling with. I bounce back and forth between knowing they're negative influences on me, to thinking that I should just forgive and forget. Deep down I know they aren't good for me, but then this little voice in my head says I'm being irrational and cutting people out of my life for no good reason because I need to realize that people are only human and that everybody does bad things. (Remember, I said that deep down I know these two are no good for me!)

Person 1....(I've written about her before). She has tried to destroy not one, not two, but THREE relationships of mine over the years. She feels that it is her right as a "friend" to stick her nose into my personal affairs and give advice, because that's what friends do. So what do I do? I sit here and rationalize it all, saying we've been friends since we were only 13 and that everyone makes mistakes. Once? Ok, maybe bad judgment. Twice? THREE TIMES!?! At this point its definitely more than bad judgment on her part, and she doesn't know how to keep her nose out of things as she is constantly trying to control everyone and everything around her. I know that being friends with her would be a toxic situation as I have recently reconnected with her and have tried to move forward, but yet again, she is sticking her nose into my affairs and trying to control me. I guess I should give myself kudos for thinking that she has changed and giving it another attempt, (as I know I have changed since the last time we were friends), but it is painfully clear that this friendship is not meant to be.

Person 2....Ties into person 1 in that they've become good friends and do talk about me to each other. Person 1 lies a lot. Its crazy making given that I'm a straight shooter and lying makes me feel like I'm in the twilight zone. But again, I sit here and try to rationalize that not everyone is perfect, people make mistakes, blah, blah, blah. Why am I making myself feel guilty for not trusting a liar?

I needed to get that out. I am sorry if this is repetitive, but I really do struggle with relationships.

Why do I make excuses for people? Why do I keep negative people in my life? I know I have low self-esteem, especially when it comes to relationships. I tend to take whatever I can get because I don't feel like I deserve any better. I know what I need to do. I know I need to let go and move forward without these people in my life. But why do I keep on going back?

I feel like I need to make a clean break. Put my energy and my focus elsewhere. Work on making new connections with new people rather than trying to "fix" past relationships.

I guess I needed to write this all out so that I could actually SEE that I'm not just making some snap decision to not have these people in my life anymore. (Those snap decisions make me ruminate b/c I feel like I did something wrong, even if it was for the right reasons.)

Thanks for reading.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I would get rid of those jerks, better to make a clean break, I found it better to have no friends for a while than really f*cking sh*t ones. Sorry the people in your life suck.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree as well. There is no such thing as forgive and forget, this is a man made rule. it is not even in the bible. They both are toxic and very bad for you and your need to feel safe. They do not appear to be safe and it seems that they are not working on changing themselves for the better at all. If they were really your friends they would be working on changing themselves for the better and making amends to you.

Like you I also tolerate the deal breakers much longer than is safe or healthy. You see the red flags in these people and I really think you need to cut them out of your life because they are highly toxic to be around and gossip about you.

 

[hodge]

Yes, what Cj77 and Gizmo said. I started to befriend a neighbor last month, but I see red flags all over the place. She is trying to reach out again, but I am keeping her at arm's length. It's not easy to get "friends" out of your life, but you will be glad you did. There are plenty of healthier people around. Meantime, you have us :-).

 

[scout86]

Sounds like you have things pretty well thought out. You sure don't sound like you're being hasty.

Why am I making myself feel guilty for not trusting a liar?

That's a good question. Do you have any idea what the answer is?

Why do I make excuses for people? Why do I keep negative people in my life? I know

Any ideas on what the answers to those are? Low self esteem could be the answer, or part of the answer. These people don't sound like they're much help with your self esteem. Not that having a constant cheerleader is always helpful either.

You sound like you pretty much know what the best thing to do with the "friends" is. Figuring out the answers to you questions might be a lot of help in the long run.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I found it better to have no friends for a while than really f*cking sh*t ones.

I think you're right. I think I'm going to focus on other things in my life right now. Partially out of necessity! I have an intense class schedule for the next month and need to focus on my schoolwork. It will also give me a chance to heal and fully move past these relationships. I will be able to process what happened in my own time.

Sorry the people in your life suck.

Thanks. Me too! I'm sorry that these two people suck!

If they were really your friends they would be working on changing themselves for the better and making amends to you.

Very true. Its odd.... I don't claim to be innocent in what happened with these two friends and I have apologized for my part in what happened between both of them and myself in the past (last year). I know I had my own part in it all. Friend 1 kept harping on how I needed to confess all of the bad things I said about her. I told her that I couldn't remember....it was a year ago, and who remembers everything they said a year ago? Most of it was about how she was a horrible person for trying to tear apart a relationship of mine. (I stand by what I said, it is pretty horrible to do something like that.) I apologized for it because I was sorry for being so negative. (I wasn't proud of myself, and was venting.) I guess I was just struck by how she wouldn't "forgive" me until I confessed my sins like I was in confession with a priest! She never really apologized for her part in any of it.

I really think you need to cut them out of your life because they are highly toxic to be around and gossip about you.

I think you are right. It feels like being in high school all over again. To adults really do this? I mean is gossiping normal behavior? Yes, I realize that everyone talks, but this sort of thing just seems so malicious!

There are plenty of healthier people around. Meantime, you have us :).

Very true, and very true!

Do you have any idea what the answer is?

Why I feel guilty for not trusting a liar..... Well, part of it is that I did feel pressure to forgive. Friend 1 told me that I needed to assess the overall picture and that *everyone* lies so I shouldn't let a few little lies get in the way of the whole relationship. So I internalize all of this and think that I'm the one in the wrong. I really do hate how these little thoughts get into my head and then spiral out of control so that instead of feeling like I'm right in doing something, it gets flipped upside down and then I end up feeling like I'm in the wrong....

Any ideas on what the answers to those are?

I'm not sure why I make excuses for people. I'm not sure why I keep negative people in my life. I know I need to think about this more.

 

[scout86]

Well, part of it is that I did feel pressure to forgive. Friend 1 told me that I needed to assess the overall picture and that *everyone* lies so I shouldn't let a few little lies get in the way of the whole relationship.

A couple of things you've quoted sound pretty strange to me, and that's certainly one. I don't think it's true that everyone lies. And I can't quite grasp what kind of relationship is based on lies. WAY too complicated!

 

[StellaBlue]

I have found that when I am remaining in or trying to fix unhealthy relationships, it's usually related to my past and my desire to fix my family. I have also found that as I am healing, I don't have a lot of space in my life for the drama that comes with these types of relationships.

From what you've written, I think you recognize that you deserve better from your friends...and if the current friends can't do this, it's time to find better friends.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree, @scout86, not everyone lies. I've had a friend for about 5 or so years now, and while he can be a total jerk to me at times (I don't claim innocence!), he's never lied to me. A complete straight shooter. Person 2 actually lied to me from day 1 (literally, the first day we started talking) about something very important. He said he didn't smoke. Well, he did....and I found out one day when he flaunted his pack of ciggys by throwing then on the table in front of me. Normally I don't care what people do, but when it comes to smoking, I can't have smokers in my life b/c smoke gives me migraines and aggravates my heart (I have an irregular heartbeat). I immediately confronted him about it, and he said that it shouldn't have been a big deal. Now mind you, when I told him on day 1 that I can't be with a smoker, I explained my health reasons behind it. So not only did he lie, but he totally disregarded my health! How can someone claim they care but be so disrespectful? He told me that he lied because he didn't want things to be over before they started. So selfish. (ie I'm going to lie just to get what I want!)

@StellaBlue,
You're probably right! Knowing person 1 was like knowing my mom....crazy making! Ok, so I am working on repairing my relationship with my mom, and yes it is in part because she is my mom....but the thing is, my mom has changed her behavior. No, she's not perfect, but I have seen the changes in her, and this shows me that I am willing to work on a relationship with her. I still need to keep some distance between my mom and myself, but it is workable. Person 1....Well, I really don't see the change in her, and since she's just a friend (whom I admittedly have grown apart from over the years), I am not as willing to compromise in my relationship with her, especially since I see little to no change on her part.

I have a few friends right now online, and I am OK with that for now. I think that the next month or so that I'm focused on other activities will give me the time away from these people that I really do need. I am hoping that the breather will do me some good!