General Day Dreaming

[Peach]

There is a new member around here who's handle reminded me of my vet, so I got to thinking: Wouldn't it be freaking amazing (there's no chance in hell, just a little fantasy) if, unbeknownst to you, your sufferer came on the board one day, posting, looking for advice, and really giving insight into what they want, need, what's bothering them, etc. And by their handle, the details they give, and writing style you figured out it was your partner?

It's exactly what we're all doing here, so that side of it isn't a huge stretch. I was just thinking about how helpful it could be. Or all things being equal, at times it could even be hurtful.

Yeah, then you get into the ethical dilemma about reading what they write, knowing that if they wanted to tell you, they would have found a way to do it. Kinda like a diary. But this is supposed to be a fun idea, not to be taken too seriously.

 

[shimmerz]

unbeknownst to you, your sufferer came on the board one day, posting, looking for advice, and really giving insight into what they want, need, what's bothering them, etc.

I think I can safely say that this is a great fear of many sufferers on the board. It stops them from posting many things because they are concerned that it will make them identifiable.

Of course, that is a chance we take on a public forum. I am going to say from a sufferer's POV, not so freaking great really. No offence meant at all in all seriousness.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Peach I know it took me years (still takes) to write anything without sometimes feeling great fear, or fearing terrible consequences. For the most part I would be mortified. It definitely stops we from saying many things.

I think there are several distinctions: if it's a loved one/ spouse, then it could be useful. Even then, things could be misinterpreted, a lot of people vent here, or are ashamed of a lot. But why wouldn't they ask each other directly? But for example if my sister saw this I would be murdered, or kill myself. (Not to mention I feel like a horrible traitor to write). Then there is the fear (peoples' exes, Employer, etc).

So I guess it boils down to intent & kindness/ lack of/ will it be held against you. Idk, it's 's a very good place for understanding/ information, but it depends on what the other person is like. I've often noticed there aren't many 'family' here, I think they'd take offence more (or conversely don't care to learn).

I think your question really highlights how different supporters can view it from 'sufferers'.

 

[Sighs]

I'm a supporter and I'm terrified that someday my vet will find out about this forum and find me on it. I've even thought about quitting the forum because of it, but I have so little support IRL and he's not a fan of online anything so I take the risk.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry, I can't get back to edit the above, the computer is very slow, but I am a hypocrite too, because I try often to look up peoples' needs (sometimes they ask me to) to understand better. I do it for clients, sometimes friends I'm worried about, out of my own fear too for their illnesses. Also a friend told me about his stuff, I looked it up because he thought I understood & I don't/didn't, if I didn't make errors for years or made him feel worse it was only out of chance/ being myself, or not being told off when I did. What I do know is that I understand a little better though, & don't feel it was always because I was/ am a burden. At least now I can be less of a burden. In fact, I think I'll cut all ties.

But, to be honest, as per my own stuff I can't even understand it, so how could anyone else? Not to mention I wouldn't want anyone to know I've said I'm suicidal, etc.

 

[Peach]

No offence taken at all, @shimmerz . Junebug is exactly right with this:

I think your question really highlights how different supporters can view it from 'sufferers'.

Very true. That's why I made sure to say there is a snowball's chance it would ever happen. I am looking at it from my own angle of wanting to get an unencumbered look inside his head, ever in the hope that I could do/be more of what he needs. To take out a lot of the guess work and walking on eggshells. But I do completely understand someones reluctance to say as much as they may "want." And that's a shame, that even here, where you're anonymous, it's normal to still worry about these things.

I'm like you, @Sighs. My vet is also very private, he doesn't post anything on the internet and is very careful about what he tells me about certain subjects in emails and on Skype because of who might be listening (government, etc.). He says, "That's a story for when we're in person." So it's not that he doesn't trust me...he just doesn't trust the carrier. Most recent, I came across a particular regiment in the army and asked him about it. It was one of those secretive groups that's not to be talked about, so he told me what to look up, but wouldn't go into it himself in fear of hitting too many "keywords" and triggering the PTBs.

I tend to over share, so I try very hard to not to post about his specifics. I usually write my post, then end up deleting half of it because I know he'd flip if he saw it.

I try often to look up peoples' needs (sometimes they ask me to) to understand better.

I don't think you're a hypocrite. It clearly comes from a place of caring, just like mine. In this age of instant gratification and having so much information at your fingertips, it's normal to look up things and people.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Peach , I came back to add, because I felt badly that I might have made you feel badly. It's a noble thought (of yours), & kind. Though of course everyone is different, you really accomplish the same thing in a lot of ways by just reading threads. And I'm mistrusting/ fearful/ don't know what relationships like that are like. If anything, I guess it's kind of sad that 'we' don't know how to feel capable or deserving of sharing stuff directly. But it is also not what anyone would want to hear, really (I don't blame them). When I first came here I found many posts/ threads/ stories very disturbing (even if I could relate). I can't imagine how a 'normal' (non-ptsd-person) would feel. It's different when it's happened to you, then it's just saying the truth to others who have experienced it too.

But please don't walk on eggshells. I have to do that with a family member that might have ptsd, it's an awful way to live. And thank you very much for your kind words. :hug:

 

[Glara]

I've always thought about that. At one point I told him I was on a forum and I wonder if he has ever looked at it. He'd know right away who I am and who I'm taking about. And when I read what some suffers' post I always wonder if its him, but then something comes up that tells me it's not. Anyway, I hope if he ever does find this forum and reads my posts that it doesn't upset him. He has no idea what I'm feeling, I tell him I worry and miss him but he doesn't know how depressed and lonely I feel. I don't ever want him to know.

 

[Friday]

You know... I'm at the point in my life where I don't want a spouse or serious sig other who can't read every damn thing I've written. Partner in Crime. Full disclosure or no deal.

I've had that before, and I was too young & dumb to realize how much of a line item it is with me. Married someone I couldn't trust for jack. Not making that mistake again.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet is very private too, and even though we are very open with eachother I don't think it would do him much good to see me venting when I am upset or confused. It would make him feel terrible. He knows I post here though, but he doesn't know my avatar or name. In fact, I sent him to the combat PTSD site and he occasionally posts there... but I do not go over there and he does not come over here. These are our "safe zones."

 

[Ronin]

My dear knows I'm here, I know of sites he's on when he bothers, I'm generally the more secretitive brat of us two.

He doesn't actively read it up here, or know my concrete nicks and the like; we've got rather strict agreements about how separate we keep which levels of friends / associates, and stick to these.

But it's not really a secret, or something I wouldn't trust him with. What I share here is in many ways emotional ground, and if I couldn't share that much with him, it'd be no relationship to have.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes that is very important , what @Cashew said. I think it could be so easy to take offence, things out of context.

Even reading this thread however I was worried half the night about the "we give up our rights to the words thing", if a nickname or something I've mentioned here identified me to my family members ever or sister it would be horrendous. (And also, my sis (we live together)- not from telling her but her saying- she doesn't believe ptsd exists for non-veterans, that people can't be raped without 'gun to their head', etc. When I once said I needed help, like a T or meds re: suicide , she told me to kill myself. And OMG-here I am right now posting more. :( )