Dissociative Disorders - Can You Relate?

[Mallaky]

Hello

this is to those who know they suffer from a dissociative disorder. I would like to know if you can relate to what I try to put into words here. Any input appreciated.


When I am not depressed, I feel confused. It seems to me, that other people have a much better grip on who they are. As if they have read a manual about themselves, and I never got mine.
A big part of that is, that I feel so changeable. Sure, I have some kind of core personality, but so many things about me change. Some daily, some weekly. They way I approach things, the way I react, what I like or dislike and why.

It is especially difficult if I look back a day or a week and have that specific feeling, that other people only have when they look back years or decades. That feeling of "Who the hell was I back then."

I am also very forgetfull. I often forget important things. I forgot I once had a brother. Other times I feel totally ridicoulus because I can not recall why I think I could have PTSD. I sometimes dont remember anything traumatic happening, only remember the good parts.

The way I feel and the specifics I can remember seem very closely connected. When I cant recall trauma I am very carefree and happy. When I cant remember the happy parts I am depressed and fearfull child. When I can remember victories I can be a aggressive and assertive adult.

My hopes and dreams of life are constantly changing.
This is my biggest issue when trying to create a fulfilling life. What is fullfilling if not setting and achieving goals? But how to do that if one day the best thing in life are videogames, so I make a big and beautiful plan to achieve something special in one of my favorite games and two days later I have completely lost the ability to recall the appeal of games? Suddenly videogames feel like a waste of time. Then I set out to train my drawing, only to totally forget why I wanted to put my energy into that a few days later. On and on it goes, my cycle of empty dreams.

When I wrote something, and I read it again a day later it has changed. In the best case it feels like something I have written a long time ago and I can vaguely remember it, can understand it. The worst cased are when I feel like a completely different person has written it.

Sometimes I feel like being pulled apart from the inside. I have the very surreal feeling of having several emotions at the same time. As far as I know, other people need some potent drugs to feel that. Suprisingly, having the feeling of sharing my mind with a past or future me is the loneliest feeling in the world.

I have a very bad grasp of time. Days fly by and hours can be enternities. I am also very disorriented with daytime and date.

All those things make me very, very anxious and I dont want to be relaxed. Because when I relax I tend to do stupid shit. That is not so bad, pretty human i guess, but the feeling of looking back a day after is the worst. It is like getting kicked in the nuts by a boot with a note on it. Everytime something else is written on it. "They destroyed your mind." or "f*cking freak." or "I guess I really am insane." or "Being mad is not what it is said to be."

All of this makes a normal life pretty impossible, which is okay I guess, but it also makes it impossible to not feel so very confused all the time, which is absolutely not okay. I really cant stand it. It is very difficult talking about myself, not because it hurts or any some such, but because I honestly dont know alot about myself. That is why it took so many years for me to getting help. When I sat somewhere I could not really talk about myself, because then I was in high functioning mode and could not recall any of the wierd shit. I guess that is why people never realized I was crying for help.

Have a meeting with a therapist next week and am scared to hell and heaven and back. But I am also really relaxed about it. Because I know, once I have to act the me that has to do the tough stuff will be there. But because I wont be really able to remember anything I have written stuff down. Still I feel like nervous wreck. Just being very relaxed about it.

I will go and play a videogame right now. f*ck if I know what. The last week I played alot of the same, today I totally dont get the appeal. Yesterday I played a warrior and had an amazing time, today it is probably gonna be a mage, because warriors are for dummies. Who would ever play a warrior, am I right? Boring. In a few days I will think the same about mages and will either go back the warrior or decide another class is the way to go. I honestly dont know. I only know it is difficult for me to achieve goals in my videogames, let alone life.

The only thing I really truly know about myself is that I am in a constand state of intense and unbearbale anxiety. On the good days.

 

[mytai]

A lot of what you have written resonates with me Mallaky. I do have a dissociative disorder in conjunction with my PTSD, specifically I've been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. It took many, many years for a psychiatrist to come to that diagnosis, mainly because other diagnoses or causes need to be ruled out first (like brain injury, seizures, other mental illnesses, etc).

But how to do that if one day the best thing in life are videogames, so I make a big and beautiful plan to achieve something special in one of my favorite games and two days later I have completely lost the ability to recall the appeal of games? Suddenly videogames feel like a waste of time. Then I set out to train my drawing, only to totally forget why I wanted to put my energy into that a few days later. On and on it goes, my cycle of empty dreams.

I never sat and thought of this but this is something I experience in cycles. Maybe not as frequently as you, every few months or more I get into a "gaming" mode, where I want to do nothing but play computer games, or wish I still had my PS3. It actually got to a point last year where I had purchased and sold so many gaming systems that I blew through a lot of money. I'm not typically impulsive with purchases, but I was with this. I would wake up and the most important thing on my mind in that moment was getting something to play games on. I would jump out of bed, sometimes not even shower, and head out to the store and purchase a gaming system and 3 or 4 games to play. I would play these games for entire days, not go to work, call in sick, or if I did go to work I would rush home after and stay up all night playing. Sometimes weeks or a month would pass when I was in this "gaming" mode, and then suddenly I would wake up and I had zero interest in anything gaming related. I would regret wasting my money, and attempt to sell my gaming system and games and recoup some of the cost.

Sometimes I feel like being pulled apart from the inside. I have the very surreal feeling of having several emotions at the same time.

This one is the hardest for me, I'm not always aware of individual parts/alters (I only have connected with one in any form of communication/co-conciousness), but I can FEEL what they are feeling along with what I'm feeling. What gets really overwhelming is when everyone's feelings match, which rather than feeling cohesive and unified (so less overwhelming), it actually intensifies what I'm experiencing. The best way to describe it is as a layer cake. The base layer is my emotion (let's say fear), then another part/alter feels fear so that's a new layer, and another part/alter feels fear so that's another layer, and it just keeps building up, higher and higher.

Having several different emotions that don't feel connected can be just as overwhelming. For me personally, it causes a lot of confusion and fear.

I have a very bad grasp of time. Days fly by and hours can be enternities. I am also very disorriented with daytime and date.

I don't have much to say about this other than I experience this as well on varying levels. Some days are better than others. But in therapy for example, I have no sense of how much time has passed. The entire session could almost be done (50 minutes) but it feels like I've only been talking with my T for 10 minutes. Therapy sessions never seem to drag out time wise for me, but I can never guess or feel how much time has passed. T could keep me in her office for 3 hours and it wouldn't feel remotely close to that for me. In my case though, I think it has to do with other parts/alters fronting and taking over.

It is very difficult talking about myself, not because it hurts or any some such, but because I honestly dont know alot about myself.

I dread the question "so tell me about yourself", I end up saying very general things that anyone can identify with so as not to lie, but also not to feel completely stupid for not having anything to say.

When I sat somewhere I could not really talk about myself, because then I was in high functioning mode and could not recall any of the wierd shit.

I struggle with this with any new health professional. Not so much with T anymore, but if she is trying to find out more about a situation I find it extremely frustrating when I "know" something happened but I can't grasp onto what it was. I feel it there, but it is just out of my line of vision or reach.

I'm glad you are able to see a therapist next week. If you hadn't mentioned it I was going to suggest writing down notes to bring with you so that you had something to go off of when you went. First meetings always seem to be daunting and scary. Give it a few sessions before making a judgement about if you connect with this new therapist, sometimes it take 3 or 4 full sessions (beyond the introduction) to get a sense. Unless of course there are some major red flags about them, then in that case move on and find another.

I'll be thinking of you, good luck with your meeting with the therapist. Don't forget to breathe.

 

[Mallaky]

Thanks so much @mytai

Don't forget to breathe.

Will try!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Alot of what you said I can relate to, especially video game mode, even though I am a 31 year old woman. Still have zero idea what my life goal is, always feel mixed up and confused and memory is a problem too. Hang in there :hug:

 

[Jobriel]

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I have DID, and often have fast changes in my beliefs, emotions, and thoughts.(I can change from being wonderfully content to being actively suicidal in a matter of minutes or seconds.) Your description of not knowing who you are is something I struggle with constantly. I feel like I am almost tormented with a feeling of confusion concerning my identity. I could list all of the details of who I am on the outside, but I don't have any idea who I am on the inside. I sometimes have moments of clarity during which I feel like I see myself for who I am, but those moments only last a few minutes at best, and then I am not only confused again, but I am frustrated because I had glimpsed what it would be like to not feel so muddled all of the time. It sounds as if you remember your trauma sometimes, which would indicate to me that parts of you remember and other parts do not. I have no memory of trauma at all, but I write about traumatic events while dissociated and then react as if they really happened. I don't know what is true and what isn't because I have no memory of any of it. It sounds like you are going through something very difficult. I know how lonely it feels to not know who you are. I wish I had some grand answers, but I haven't figured this out yet either. But you are not alone.

 

[Kailani]

Hi- I can totally relate to time issues-what day is it anyway? Haha. Can't keep it straight sometimes and have massive blacked out areas of childhood-like can just remember who my teacher was practically- for years, is that normal? I feel like maybe sometimes we humans can go into denial-cuz sometimes i say my ptsd is really bad and other times why do i even have it. I think it's a coping mechanism but not sure. i often times answer a question with what i believe is truth but don't have the actual memory until a day later and realize there was something I forgot- like the memory box had to come out of storage. You are not alone with these frustrating symptoms. Seeing someone new is nerve wracking-I think initially they are just wanting a history and what brings you to therapy answer if that helps to prepare.

 

[Ariane]

I'm the same way with the video game problem except I have it with multiple different things. I read a lot. Like A LOT. And then I start hating it and then I want to do some sketches and then I think those are entirely to shitty and then I'm writing poems or I'm wishing I could write again (depends on how the writers block feeling) and then I'm dancing more and working out more and then I start setting up goals for myself that are near impossible and then I'm crashing and falling and I don't recall any of what I've done. I can't think at all, I'll spend a lot of the time staring at something and not thinking of anything at all...at least I can't remember thinking. Lately I've been feeling as if I'm watching myself from out of my body. I don't feel anything at all and I'm not really there I'm just observing while my body is going through the motions. It's terrifying. I understand how awful it is and I hope it gets better or at least easier for you.

 

[Stickler]

Um...yeah, although up until age 38 I was what one person on another forum called a " Clueless Front."

I would go straight from loving, zen sort of person to...everyone is a threat, I need to be alone, I hate everyone... Even though ten minutes ago I was a completely different person, with a completely different outlook? I had always thought and felt the way I felt in that moment.

...Fortunately, I'm into Zen Buddhist concepts, because after I figured out a lot of what I thought was me was actually...them... And " me " is just kind of an overlay or conduit? I'm basically a human windsock to my alters and a way of cloaking myselfs to others? Well, figuring that out was...um...unsettling.

Too, I always thought I was normal to have arguing voices inside your head? Not so much, no.

I didn't think I was DID because I didn't lose time. Except I did, just in tiny little bits. mostly in emotionally charged conversations.
...It took me ten years to figure out my ex was verbally abusive this way.

...To the OP: you are an ordinary person who went through an extraordinary trauma. You made it out alive. Please do not hate yourself for the way you survived that. If you had to mentally split into people to survive, you then survived as a group.
You saved each other.
You have each other, still, to build a working relationship with.

...At least that's what I am trying to do, build a workable and loving interrelationship in my head...difficult. Difficult. But rewarding.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi Mallaky, I have DID too so can relate to a lot. Actually, this thread is cool because I didn't know there were this many systems here and I've been a member for ages!

Other times I feel totally ridicoulus because I can not recall why I think I could have PTSD.

This resonates with me a lot. I think it's maybe because I had to spend so much of my early years denying what was happening. To the point where the alters developed and in a sense, those PTSD-causing traumas didn't happen to me. When I am very disconnected to the alters, I feel like I have made it all up and there was no trauma. It's very confusing and upsetting.

I have a very bad grasp of time. Days fly by and hours can be enternities. I am also very disorriented with daytime and date.

Case in point- I woke up at 8am today, next thing I know there's a knock on the door from a workman I knew was coming, at 11am...how the heck was it 11am already?!

What gets really overwhelming is when everyone's feelings match, which rather than feeling cohesive and unified (so less overwhelming), it actually intensifies what I'm experiencing. The best way to describe it is as a layer cake

This is an interesting experience as I am the opposite. For me, it's better when we're all in the same place because there isn't the conflict of emotions and desires. However, I get where you are coming from with the intensification, everything is felt 8X over in one go.

 

[DesertChild]

Hello

this is to those who know they suffer from a dissociative disorder. I would like to know if you can relate to what I try to put into words here. Any input appreciated.

I have dissociation, though not DID, so I tend to relate to much of what you said about time, feeling out of it, and memory loss. I managed to cut it short of DID, though sometimes I though I got pretty close, I think.

I worked really hard to find ways around it and sharpen my memory when I'm not dissociating--and also to improve my sense of time when I have none.

Do things like set timers with reminders for certain events of the day. Like one for making lunch, one to eat lunch, one to eat dinner and one to wake up to, one to go to sleep to. So even if I don't feel time, I can try to reset the internal clock at least a bit. Also my dissociation tends to be higher when I skip meals or food. (Though not feeling hungry sucks the joy out of eating).

I also tried to develop techniques of connecting events together in a line by back remembering. So I ate what today? I did what today? Can I connect those events in between? Journaling also helped a bit. If you have connection to your emotions, it's also good to backtrack any emotions you have. If you forget, the journal will help you. I think physically writing things instead of using a computer can also help physical action can be a way to form memory because there are different ways memories are formed.

Other things I've done are things like, letting myself dissociate and let it pass for a set time period and then work on something demanding in the present that demands full cognition (which is not easy when you have flashbacks or your attention span is drifting.) and then allow a reward later on for that hard work. Writing and reading it back also allows me to distinguish time, place, and how things connect both internally and externally... which also means I can cover for the dissociation. I carry a notebook with me for small notes here and there.

I also pulled on things said about Alheimer's. Memory forms usually when it's unusual and engages all the senses at once. So doing an unusual thing against pattern can help you form memory and connect things together. So sight, smell, touch, hearing, taste engaged all at once can help jump start things. So listening to a new song, while tasting something you've never done before can also help. Meeting people you feel safe with and doing something unusual together can sometimes kick it a bit. Also doing creative stuff, apparently, is supposed to help.

I also use associative memory, which is, again, engaging the senses. Smell something familiar and try to remember how I felt smelling it over time. When I was X age, how did I feel about that smell? Remembering cognitively how I felt about positive things or innoculous things and sometimes clear some of the dissociation.

I use mindfulness and meditation techniques to try to strip it back. Though I admit, it also sometimes doubles as a kind of revenge too.

Especially since these days I'm back to square one, I have to rely on myself to write things down in order to remember them, because often when I'm dissociating, I'm also subconsciously trying to make things look better than they are... which really does not help that much. I'm trying to remember what I did before when I was in this state and at least compensate, fi I can't fight it.

 

[Ronin]

I tend to oscilate between who remembers what I remember too sharply, instead of me, and then have accessibility / reachability issues & not believing things happened because a 'part' has them.

All around most of my issues aren't dissociation as in switching and the like - I both had to develop a good knack on that early, and was specifically trained to have a grasp on this by a few people; my issue is derealization, and linking more to abuse - several abusers very fixated on death themes and where they couldn't try physically, playing fun mental games that'd rob the sanest of folk off sanity.

 

[Ariane]

I'm the same way with the video game problem except I have it with multiple different things. I read a lo...

Turns out that part of at is because I have bipolar II, just so y'all are aware.