Drunk, Story Revealed...

[Chava]

how do I get out of this? I feel like I can reveal more of my story when quite drunk (this is taking me a long time to type). Aunts who touched my boobs. Whatver. But what else? Self-satisfaction triggeres memories CSA. Normal adult sex triggers memories of rape. I can't win. It's all 100% disgusting and I want to peel off my own skin. I just want to know what i'm working with. Sometimes more clear when I'm drunk and able to see it or admit it to myself (my mom's family, prolly including her, were a bunch of pervert child molestors). I want to peal all of my skin off and die in the middle of the desert. But really I want more choices and reminders that i'm still here.

Sorry, most f*cked up post ever? Whatever. I have to quit the booze. But the sedative-hypnotic state is like my only vrsion of accessing the shit...and maybe better I never know it in any form. I'm pretty well ashamed of myself right now....will be worse in the morning. If I don't destroy myself, it will be a perfectly good day.

Please help. AA people are all up my ass (I love them but I need my trauma therapy to start working for me first).

 

[Chava]

p.s. a friend in AA (she is extremely scattered) told me therapy was not necesarrily helpful because we pull up bad memories...so better to forget all that (she has only worked with a psychiatrist). Well f*ck that, because while AA is extremely helpful, it is not saving me from the trauma ravages to my body. I'm so mixed up. I don't know who to ask for help without pissing people off for not meeting certain standards.

 

[ms spock]

I understand wanting to peel off the body stuff.

Not the most f*cked up post ever - just honest and revealing an immense amount of pain.

Therapy that brings up trauma without grounding, containment and processing is not helpful it just traumatises you again - (I had years and years of that) you need to find someone who can start with the basics. Maybe someone from America can come along and tell you what is available there. I am in Australia and it is different.

This stuff is very hard to deal with - I feel for you. I don't have any advice or wisdom but I am reading.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Ms Spock .... I think my therapist is trying to keep it slow. I'm snowballing of my own accord at the moment. So I hope there is some kind of support for that. I'm really messed up.

Going to bed....good thing...

 

[Sammyiam]

I am so Sorry that you are feeling so down Chava, I have the exact opposite problem as my abuser was an alcoholic and used it against me when I was a child. I have never ever been able to drink or even smell alcohol as it makes me vomit. Sets off major triggers.
My husband was an alcoholic for over 30 years and it was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with having me with my past and him with his past. I dealt with my past in a totally different path to him as he did to me. But that doesn't mean that either of us was right or wrong it just means that we survived any way we knew how.

Chava, I know I am probably the last person that should reply never having drunk in my whole life, but I know what my husband went through and it was one of the hardest things he has ever done, he has been 4 years without a drink now and he still finds it hard. He lost so many friends when he stopped drinking as they were all out drinking and being social and he just couldn't go out and not drink so would just stay home.

I can feel your pain so much and you only have survived the pain anyway you knew how like all of us on here, please don't be ashamed as if you feel ashamed then I will have to as well, because I have done some things to survive that still haunt me to this day and that's been over 38 years.

I know exactly what it feels like to want to be out of your skin as I have major problems with feeling the very same thing.

Please take care of yourself as best as you can and if you need someone to talk to just PM me any time.
My thoughts are with you

Sammy

 

[Flossy]

Remind me Chava. Sorry I have crap memory. Do you take a med? I have a niece who uses alcohol to self-med and totally refuses to take prescribed meds. I believe she thinks they will change her personality.

I think the nerves need something to take the edge off for a year or two while going through therapy of any kind.

Maybe ask for an anti=anxiety med from your doc. Something to give you enough of a relaxed state like alcohol but without the side effects of that?

I can relate. It was what triggered my PTSD when I realised my mother was a total piece of shit. For me, it's important to pull up memories and sort out what is the truth and then sort out that it is the absolute truth regardless of what anyone says. Then we can get through the shame and guilt and anger and slapping them in the face with it, if thats what we want to do. It's what I did. It meant they all said I was mad and a trouble maker. It meant I didnt speak to my mother even in her eighties before she died a long slow death. But it means I get to live another 30 years knowing it was them, not me and they were bad people.

I hope this doesnt sound flippant. I dont mean it to be. Dont beat yourself up tomorrow. Maybe consider getting something to take the edge off from your doc. See if you can face talking about it then. Sorry, girl. (shoulder pat/hug)

 

[StellaBlue]

think my therapist is trying to keep it slow. I'm snowballing of my own accord at the moment.

@Chava, I did this. It almost killed me. My therapist was well intentioned but not trauma trained. I did not have the appropriate skills (grounding, distress tolerance, emotional regulation) on board and we (at my insistence) started working with the trauma. I would go home and drink and write it all out - just dumped the memories and feelings onto paper - totally flooded and retraumatized myself. Ended up massively suicidal and back to using all of my maladaptive coping mechanisms. It took my therapist about a month to recognize what was going on and stop the process - which led to a huge rupture because I was going to go ahead no matter what he said.

But here's the thing - I ended up actually going backwards - adding more time to the process - by doing this.

Therapy that brings up trauma without grounding, containment and processing is not helpful it just traumatises you again

I suspect you are not going to want to hear this, but you need to stop and back up. If you are using alcohol to access your memories and/or deal with the pain of remembering them, then you need to stop, go back and work on your coping skills (a formal DBT skills group was immensely useful to me). It may seem like a step in the wrong direction and that it's going to take forever, but here's the thing - slow is faster...and, the skills you learn will actually make you feel better, more in control in your day-to-day life...

 

[Fadeaway]

If this is the most f*cked up post ever, than boy am I screwed. ;)

Seriously though, here have a :hug: and be kind to yourself.

 

[Rumors]

:( I have no advice other than saying the alcohol is a bandaid and not a cure unfortunately. If you can swap techniques and instead of using alcohol perhaps you could use breathing techniques or yoga or meditation? Finding peace more organically can curb the guilt you feel following a night of binge drinking. You have to fill your toolbox with tools that aren't a danger to you but tools that can help you cope with all of the residual side effects of your story. An example is yoga, breathing, meditation, positive thinking tools, writing, etc. You will eventually work your way up to telling someone your story.
I just want to tell you that I think you rock. Alcohol or not, it's tough to come on here and discuss this stuff. I can't, however I can relate to all that you have said. Pm me anytime. Sending you loads of strength while seeking out some new tools for your toolbox.

 

[scout86]

I don't know about "most messed up post ever". It's certainly one of the braver ones.

Here's a more fact based thought for you. It's true, alcohol lowers your inhibitions and "lets" you do things you wouldn't normally do. In my experience, most of those things are stupid. (Just sayin') It doesn't make your brain work BETTER though. You end up with a mess of thoughts you can't trust and, the next day, memories that are fuzzy at best. If the memories are there and you can't access them without alcohol, there's a reason. That's your brain saying "not yet". Your brain, without alcohol, probably knows what it's doing.

Hang in there!

 

[Chava]

I really didn't want to come back to whatever shit storm I presented here, but it was helpful to see your responses this morning. Helps take some of the edge off of the "OMG I WANT TO DIE" feelings. :notworthy::poop::bag::banghead::dead::hungover::blackeye::notworthy:

Thank you @Fadeaway :hug:

@Flossy No, I'm not on meds. They have not worked well for me. If I could quit getting drunk I feel like I could be okay. If I don't allow myself to take more than 1 ambien, I have better judgment. Easier to stick to 1 ambien (or some other sleep aid) when I've taken less pain meds through the day. I am on some pain meds. Seems like too much to manage, but I'm trying to be more mindful beginning this morning...choices that will help me later in the day.

@Sammyiam thanks for what you shared...helps ease some shame/guilt this morning. my therapist also reminded me I survived (and we have to try to slow this down but #1 be safe)

@Rumors thank you...I am realizing I'm am pretty disorganized in using my tools. Nothing new...just seeing how I hop around and don't create strong enough go-to safe places or routines. I've recently found a new way to rest my back pain without feeling just trapped in my body, and that's helpful fro grounding too...but realized I have to stick with it, practice it several times a day. I have many tools but my approach to using them has been too scattered. I think it's been a good process of finding lots of tools, I just need more time to practice using the safe ones.

@StellaBlue I do have a trauma therapist. I don't totally know what's going on but I think partly cutting back on a pain med gradually (a GOOD thing, but I think it facilitated a level of shutdown....but I was also starting to over-do ambien, which is a little like being drunk, because I couldn't sleep on the pain med...I was f*cked no matter what maybe). That and a change in structure/routine.

@scout86 Thanks...my brain probably does know better without alcohol. oh yes!! Totally sober my lower body went dead in therapy and that scared me. I also have other icky sober sensations but easier to step away or distract myself if sober...and good to consider my sober brain can take better care of me than my drunk one...(should be a no-brainer, but it's not like my life always makes sense)....but yes, trust my sober self/brain. Loving my sober brain...

I should have gone for a walk when I got home but it was late and I went right into knock-yourself-out mode. I have a little manic energy in the evening that has gotten worse...angry or destructive...that creeps me out so I need to find a new way to manage that in evenings and not knock myself out. Drinking feels safe. But oh, it's not. And yes, it's like pouring some gas on whatever started before drinking...but it just doesn't hurt if I'm drunk. Anyway, I'm thinking if I exercise early in the day but don't feed into any energy in the evening...if it's there, curl up tight and resolve not to move (go get alcohol, do something stupid) but just be in charge of keeping myself safe even if it takes me 4 hours to fall asleep.

 

[The Albatross]

"I'm pretty well ashamed of myself right now....will be worse in the morning. If I don't destroy myself, it will be a perfectly good day."

Is pretty much why AA is "all up your ass". You need to quit drinking first... though there is concurrent treatment if you can find it available.

You're in relapse, please get help and don't put conditions like, "I need my trauma therapy to start working for me first" on it.

If you're in crisis and destabilized, how rational is it to sedate and "accessing the shit" when you know full well you're alcoholic, loaded, and feeding yourself a depressant?