Need Honest Opinion About Brother

[PlainJane]

@Trauma That is exactly what I am afraid of. I know for damn sure he's better off with me then to have to go through that and possibly endure new traumas. His blood, and anything that happens to him would be on my hands. I know how that sounds. I want him to have a chance, not just be a number in the system.

I have discussed the situation with family and with several therapists and what I want to do is have him live with me and this is what he wants as well, but I have to put my brothers welfare first, regardless of our wants, and take care of his needs.

I really think this makes sense. I am really glad that you responded, I really do appreciate it. It is a helpful thought. Do you get to see him?

 

[Lionheart]

Do you get to see him?

Yes, when I have transportation, I can see him pretty much anytime I want to, we can spend time together and there have been "cook outs" / bar-b-q dinners hosted by the assisted living facility staff. It has been a real treat and I hope to see him sometime in the very near future. (Also I can call him anytime I want ).

However, my brother is over the age of 21.

 

[shimmerz]

Right now I know I have to move to another family because this one doesn't have the capacity to care for a child, but I have no time perspective of how long it is until I'll move. The child protective services haven't told me anything, not even a "Considering the stage of your case as it is right now, we can say for sure it is at least x weeks until you will be moved." or something along those lines,

This is really very helpful to me for different reasons than this posting @Trauma. I could feel this in my heart. Thank you for putting words to it and I am so very sorry that you are in this position. Truly.

Jane, you are absolutely NOT stupid. (Sun will have a few words for me on that comment because I call myself an idiot all the time.) Sometimes we get all caught up in something and can't really think of stuff. It is beautiful and caring that you posted on behalf of your brother's situation and I wish - only wish - that I had had a sibling who cared as much about myself. That shows a ton about the good inside of you, regardless of how this works out.

 

[Justmehere]

My heart goes out to you so much.

I work with foster care kids every week - all the kids I work with have severe emotional difficulties (of various kinds) and have survived trauma to some degree. Some of the kids still have family in their lives, some don't.

I've been doing this or over a decade and worked with folks who have been doing it much longer. Both anecdotal experience and the statistical data show that the kids who fare best are those who are not in foster care for less time or who never end up in foster care. It is the kids who have an adult that can stay in their lives in some capacity for the long haul. Those kids do the best, no matter how long they are in foster care or to what level of support they get.

Foster care system is pretty broken. There are some options in foster care that are better than others but they are all tough options.

That all being said, it may be likely that the best option for your brother is a residential treatment facility and then maybe other foster care options after that - maybe not - while you have more space to meet your own needs and also more space and support to be that safe steady consistent adult in his life.

I know it is a backwards way of looking at it... but I have seen kids who were at home failing so badly and a serious danger to themselves and others and then finally their families said, hey, we can't keep doing this anymore, we need help... and the family didn't have to disclose their own personal battles, just be really honest and frank that they were scared and concerned and at their wits end. Then the family worked with social services to find ways to get through it better. Some kids went to day treatment programs, some got other supports in other ways, some families got support for the whole family.

The kids who had family that said hey, we are struggling to manage with our kids out of control behavior, those are the kids that fare the best. The families that reached out before it became a really bad crisis And the family have up or the kid ran away or worse.

The kids that end up getting really damaged and traumatized by foster care are those kids that are completely abandoned by their families.

I can tell you that in most states, there is a strong interest as financial motivation to keep kids with their families: I think it is highly unlikely that you would lose him easily just for having ptsd. Heck, I have seen countless kids sent back to proven neglectful parents addicted to drugs...

My point is this: reach out. Ask for help. It's very unlikely they will take him from you unless you are seriously and actively harming or neglecting him. His therapist already knows he is struggling, and even she sounds like she has concerns about how he is doing. The state you are in likely doesn't want to pay for him to be in foster care if there is any reasonably safe alternative that they can make work out. Talk to the therapist and talk to social services and see if there are options for respite care or other supports. There are a number of mentoring programs, he might be a great candidate for them and perhaps having some other adults help be safe supports for him might be good for you both.

And if you are really sacred they will take him away, talk to a family law attorney. Many give free consults and could help advise you, confidentially, as to what to share and not share about your struggle so that you can stay his guardian.

It's really tough. You are in a hard place and I think you are wise to consider all kinds of options.

My heart really goes out to you.

 

[PlainJane]

Just wanted to say thanks to everybody. I'm gonna look at these again later. I have some questions and responses, but I am not processing well right now. So I'll be back.

 

[sun seeker]

Jane, I so wish I had an answer to this very difficult situation. I don't. Others have asked good questions and I hope there is something there that can help you. I just wanted to say my heart aches for you and your brother as I read about your dilemma. I know it has until recently been hard for you to post. I feel as though today, I have met the real you. May your way forward become clear.

 

[joeylittle]

Is it an option to take in your brother and a live-in with certification in mental health? There are sort of two things here - you want to be family to your brother, because you love him - and you know that going along with that you'll become his primary medical care, because of his challenges.

Maybe someone else can do the medical - anyway, I don't know much about the options for live-in health workers, but it strikes me as a possibility, if you had ample space in your home.

 

[PlainJane]

@shimmerz Honestly, I had a hard time with your comment, because I don't believe it, intensely. We all know how that one goes. But I Thank You! It's kind of you.
@Lionheart777 That's pretty fantastic you're able to do those things with your brother.
@sun seeker Thank you

@Justmehere

Both anecdotal experience and the statistical data show that the kids who fare best are those who are not in foster care for less time or who never end up in foster care. It is the kids who have an adult that can stay in their lives in some capacity for the long haul

This is what I was assuming, and kind of afraid of.

I can tell you that in most states, there is a strong interest as financial motivation to keep kids with their families: I think it is highly unlikely that you would lose him easily just for having ptsd. Heck, I have seen countless kids sent back to proven neglectful parents addicted to drugs...

Yes, he has been returned to my mother a couple of times despite these things. Same with me and my sister when we were younger. Yet, the things I've had to do just to allow him to walk through the door was insane. I do not understand the system, nor will I attempt to.

My point is this: reach out. Ask for help

The state you are in likely doesn't want to pay for him to be in foster care if there is any reasonably safe alternative that they can make work out. Talk to the therapist and talk to social services and see if there are options for respite care or other supports

I will not hesitate! It's funny how money is such a great motivator.

I'll have to see what programs are available, its a very small place.

residential treatment facility

What is this, specifically in regards to under age young children? What kind of treatments and success rate have you seen for this?

Is it an option to take in your brother and a live-in with certification in mental health?

That made me chuckle a little. My first thought; "No, I will literally die!" Living with people is hard for "normal" people, let alone for people like me. A little boy who has his own heavy baggage.Then add a live-in with mental health certification. End result... A mess. AHH! Lol. After that initial thought, it is something I can look into. I know in reality if it will help I will do it, oh and I wont actually die.

Lots of things to look into, I'll need to have an early start tomorrow. Find some things to put in my pocket.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Jane, my heart goes out to you so much. You are in a very difficult place and what concerns me is a red flag that I noticed and it is your therapist does not know what is really going on with you on the inside and the suicidal tendancies you talked about.

I think you have to have a great support system because I do not think with his mental problems that you can help him the way he needs to be helped without the support and help of your therapist, and I do understand your concerns about Child protective services taking him away from you.

If I was in your position, I would find someone qualified that would know you as you are really to advise you.

Talking to a family lawyer is an excellent idea.

Your heart is in the right place, yet you have your own issues unadressed. I kind of worry about this. In this situation even a supposed normal person would be highly challenged and have difficulties with him. You are good in taking him on. I am so glad you are on the forum because people wiser than I can best advise you.

You will need a really good support network to draw from because your inner resources are so depleted at the present moment.

In case of an airplane crashing they advise that you put on your own oxegen mask first before putting one on the child. Just my opinions on this without knowing what I am talking about.

You know in your heart what is best for you and for him. Are you strong enough to deal with a much bigger teenager than you to be able to restrain him when he acts out?

This is a extremely difficult situation to be in and I do not envy your decisions you get to make. I think you are a hero for taking him on right now with the way that you feel currently.

He will need so much much help and support in the future as he gets older and more independent. He will also get bigger and stronger than you as well. You are alone in this no easy task even in the best of situations.

I admire you so much for the love and courage you display in taking him to take care of him. I wish you the best in your choices about him.

I agree that putting him in the system is a bad idea, but what about finding a family that wants to adopt him? I know I may be way out of line here. Many hugs and hope for you both.

 

[PlainJane]

@gizmo. Frank? Yes. Honest? Yes. But out of line? No. I meant it when I asked for honesty and not to worry about my feelings. After all we are speaking of another little life that is a at a very delicate state right now.

Still reading it. But these are all valid points, that I have given serious thought. They are concerning. I am very concerned about is teenage years.

I can look into adoption. Gizmo thanks for being very honest ;)

 

[joeylittle]

@Jane1991, you're doing a great job looking at this from all the angles.

My reasoning for the live-in is essentially this: you can love him, but you probably can't be the anchor on his treatment team. Someone else needs to be doing that, and that person needs to be around him full-time. He needs both - someone to love him unconditionally, and someone to help him. Sometimes, that's a two-person job.

Here is some info on residential care:

This organization might have some useful resources - and I found this fact sheet to be informative:
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Here are three links for residential care for children. I searched 'psychiatric residential for children', and there were more - these just had a lot of info on their sites. The first one has multiple locations in the US, the second is in Montana, the third in Colorado.
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http://www.cedarspringsbhs.com/programs-and-services/mountain-view-place-program/

 

[PlainJane]

Thanks for the links. These are great! I will go over them in further detail tonight.

My reasoning for the live-in is essentially this: you can love him, but you probably can't be the anchor on his treatment team. Someone else needs to be doing that, and that person needs to be around him full-time. He needs both - someone to love him unconditionally, and someone to help him. Sometimes, that's a two-person job

That makes great sense.