I´m In Trouble And It´s Happening Now- Live!

[Lifalif]

Here I go again, just now I´ve been doing stuff I shouldn´t be doing!

Now I´m in a situation that I´ve been in so many times before, I´ve seen this in all shapes and forms and acting on it means one thing and one thing only and that is trouble, BIG TROUBLE, you know this dear reader of this post at least many of you do and all to well.
Stuff like this will get me and stab me in the back if I act on it but that hasn´t stopped me before.
Only since recently I´ve been reading and learning about PTSD and unwrapping the mystery about the way I have chosen to live my life, (the stupid way I live my life). Now I know more where it comes from as well I´m more conscious about or more observant then ever before. (f.eks me writing this and thinking before I acted on the matter more then I allready have is something)

It´s been a while though, I haven´t met any temptations that have tempted me to take action, I was starting to believe that I was out of it finally (out of behaving stupid and creating troubles) but that was not it, I might have become quieter over the years and it takes more to tempt me these days but when it happens then I am in danger.

Yesterday I got a Facebook message and to explain the magnitude of this temptation without getting into details about the content which doesn´t matter, then I´m pretty sure that this would be the only letter I could have gotten on Facebook from a friend that would have tempted me in this way and the chances of it happening were almost none in my mind so this came as a big surprise.! and what did I do? Of course I acted on it, in fact I jumped on it in a split of a second, it was an innocent move, but it was still a move and now 24hrs later, and I smell trouble on its way, so here I am in this limbo moment between where I can stop the matter before it becomes a full blown version of it´s self.

So here it is at this exact moment (Saturday 25/7/2015 time: 23.51 in Iceland) it´s happening it´s in motion but where it goes I´m not sure but I can hear the righteous voice inside me is louder then ever telling me that I should for the first time take the high road and stop this matter as soon as possible but my sinful voice is still pretty loud and will not give in so easily.
I think (I´m 80% sure) that I will do the groundwork now for monday but then I put an end to this and make it go away, the content of this matter is a bit complexed and it takes this time to end it completely.
I know that taking to long time will lower my chance of sticking to it.

Monday at this time it will most likely have ended (80%), it would have been fun while it was under the radar, but in the end it would have been something else completely and with unseen consequences but with this prevention action I will be saving myself a lot of trouble.
It´s not until then that I can say I´ve finally learned something at least this time, well we see.........

 

[Friday]

I'm sorry... I'm having difficulty processing right now... Is the following correct?

There is something happening this weekend that you have the power to stop, & you feel like you should, but never have before?

And you're looking for... ?

 

[Lifalif]

I'm sorry... I'm having difficulty processing right now... Is the following correct?

There is somet...

Looking for,if I knew that, no I´m just telling my thing in hope someone relates , to get it off my shoulder, to make more time for me to do the right thing cause while writing this gives me time to think things over.
I´m not asking for anything in this post I´ve done that in another post here.
Also English is not my native language so perhaps that has something to do with you not getting this or perhaps I´m doing this all wrong at least your reply makes me think I am. I´m new here and very insecure.

 

[scout86]

Your English actually seems pretty good. Maybe you could tell us a bit more about the temptation. There's something you're tempted to do but you think it would be better if you didn't? (I haven't read your other post.)

 

[Lifalif]

Yes, but perhaps this is hard to get

I skipped explaining the nature of this temptation to make my post shorter, but it appeared to me in a form of a Facebook message that I have begun acting on (meaning, replied to) and by doing that I´ve begun the road to trouble (self destructive behaviour) and I´ve been in these steps many times before and always done the wrong thing.

It gave me time to think things over while writing my post here and perhaps I will make it right this time.

The nature of this FB message affects me a lot and much more than I can describe in a short post so I left that out, but it is as tempting as it gets for me and by doing the wrong thing in this I will start a fire in my life that most likely will have a life changing effect on me not in a good way and it affect others as well.

I think it´s not hard to imagine what kind of message this was by now.

By ending this on Monday I mean that it isn´t possible earlier because of completely unrelated reasons.



Now it makes me a little insecure to write anymore here, but I thought that people that knows PTSD symptoms wouldn´t need to have this explained and that I could write without getting into noisy details while explaining this but maybe I´m hard to get here I don´t know...

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

The people on this forum really care here and they sometimes like to have the best picture of your situation so they can provide the best information to help you. Or the best advice.

I hope you are ok and was able to use this as an outlet hopefully helping you out of trouble.

Best wishes.

 

[Friday]

Sometimes vague works fine. Sometimes vague is confusing as hell.

 

[Lifalif]

I just thought I was making myself clear enough, but I clearly wasn´t and my insecurity is at its highest level now, but it doesn´t take much to shoot it up, this thread did it and isn´t that just typical of PTSD person feel.
Now I know and you know that there is nothing rational about this insecurity but it´s there anyway.

 

[Fadeaway]

Please don't be insecure about posting here. The lack of specific details made it a bit confusing. Please never be offended by anyone asking for clarification here, we ask because we want to understand so we can be as helpful as possible.

And yes I completely understand what you are saying about feelings that aren't rational. Also please keep in mind that PTSD can cause issues on both ends of the conversation, poster and reader alike, if both people have PTSD so don't always assume that the issue is you.

 

[Lifalif]

Ok, I´m trying to see it like this and take it the right way, your reply now made it better. I´m as shaky as a person can get with tons and tons of PTSD related symptoms affecting every single area in my so called life and PTSD have literally ruined my life and I mean that in the strongest sense of that word "ruined"

 

[Lifalif]

Also please keep in mind that PTSD can cause issues on both ends of the conversation, poster and reader alike, if both people have PTSD so don't always assume that the issue is you.

This is a good point from you and I will keep that in my mind if or when I post here. Thank you :-)

 

[Fadeaway]

It does that. There isn't a sufferer here that would wish what we go through on another person. I do think you will find that if you stick around, you will find a lot of support and people who can relate.