Relationship What's Difficult For Me As A Supporter

[spmitchell3]

As a spouse/supporter to my wife, who was diagnosed with PTSD caused by childhood and adolescent trauma, I thought I would share what I find to be the most difficult/challenging aspects of being a supporter and see what others have to say.

First, without a doubt, the hardest thing for me is to hear my wife say she doesn't feel love for me. This was before her diagnosis and it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I felt like my world was crashing down around me. But, thanks to this site, I've discovered that other people with PTSD has also reported they feel or felt no love for their spouse...that it was caused by the PTSD, which leaves them feeling numb and detached...unable to create an emotional bond with their spouse out of fear.

It's also challenging for me because my wife does not offer reassurance unless I ask for it. She's told me, when asked, that I am important to her, that she wants me to be here for her and that she wants our marriage to work...which also causes some anxiety and this is where I'd love to hear from others. If she doesn't feel love for me - why does she want me to be here for her? Why does she consider me important to her? Why does she want our marriage to work? I want to believe it's because somewhere, deep down, she does love me but simply doesn't recognize it because of the effects of the PTSD. Does this seem reasonable?

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I am wondering if she has some other undiagnosed mental illnesses, such as borderline personality disorder, or maybe aspergers. (?)

 

[shimmerz]

I can only speak for myself. Many times I don't have words like other people do. My perception of love might be skewed, like - SMASH - 'I am doing this because I LOVE you!' So love is dangerous. Even if cognitively we know love is supposed to mean something else that is GOOD.

Maybe you could search for a different word. Most of us feel a need for a sense of security. Security feels like love to me. The fact that that is dangerous is another post altogether, however, the point is that perhaps she uses a word that you can't possibly conceive of that is just as, if not more, important to her relationship with you.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Or she could be acting that way to not only punish you, but also herself. It is a type of self-sabotaging behavior, where the formerly abused keeps on abusing themselves, and trying to ruin their own life. Hope that makes sense.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I understand your situation. My opinion is that she wants your relationship to succeed because she feels safe with you. Without that, I am sure she would avoid you to protect herself.

Can she feel love? That's a hard question. I have loved my children in the true, deep emotional bond that happens between mother and child. My husband was safe and all was going well until I found out he was letting our 8 year old daughter walk home from the bus alone. That walk was a mile of dirt road with no houses on it. This was unacceptable. He did not make sure she was safe and passed out from alcohol every day. That was the end of my marriage. I never trusted him again. Throughout our years together I never told him I loved him and he never asked why. He had been a source of security, a smart person that made for lots of projects. But I still reel about my daughter walking down a rural dirt road.

PTSD attacks our soul. Without a soul, I can't feel the depth of affection that comes with being in love. I'm working on that by nurturing my spiritual essence. If she's seeing a trauma specialist, I'm sure your wife has asked for help with feeling numb and blocking out emotions. Give her time to learn about that. Until she is able to say those words perhaps you could ask her to tell you what she's grateful for in your relationship.
I hope this helps you.

 

[Neverthesame]

I would say that she does, in her own way. As has already been mentioned, it seems she has big issues with trust. The fact that she'd rather you are there than not, sounds like you have her trust. No small feat.

While it may not be Hallmark approved lovey dovey, it sounds like she is willing to battle the strongest urge in her being, allowing you to be near.

 

[Zer0]

Ur wife may intellectualize her love 4 u. FEELING feelings = BAD. THINKING feelings = safe, ok I can do this! Don't turn down the thinking feelings unless the feeling feelings never return. (Been there myself, thinking feelings just plain suk over time bec. They r hollow and devoid of substance.)

 

[Sweetpea76]

I would agree that the emotional numbing/ lack of love/ lack of reassurance of love from you partner is very challenging as a supporter, and it is totally natural for it to give you pause.

We're supporters, so we experience the PTSD from the outside. We can know our sufferer's triggers, stressors, and trauma histories. We can see them when they are symptomatic and respect their boundaries when they isolate. We can learn what to do when they lash out at us. We can read about symptoms, coping methods, and self preservation. We can research until our eyeballs fall out... BUT we cannot understand what it is like to actually have PTSD or know what is going on in our sufferer's head.

We are always going to see things from a "non-PTSD" perspective first. If a healthy spouse or partner says they do not feel love for you, it is pretty final and devastating. It's like getting gut checked, especially when it comes from the person you love the most in the world. It may make your sufferer feel safer to numb themselves emotionally or not allow themselves to experience love, but to us, hearing that your spouse or partner doesn't love you in return makes you feel pretty damn unsafe.

The key to being a good supporter is learning to curb that initial reaction and take the time to see how it all fits in with PTSD. Think about what @KwanYingirl and @Neverthesame are saying.

My vet has told me that every fiber of his being screams at him that being in a relationship with me is dangerous and he is going to get hurt... but he stays. He probably is working harder than any other man I have ever been in a relationship with, even if he rarely says he loves me, just because he is staying when he doesn't feel safe. Being safe is the most important thing in the world to a sufferer.

She is still there.

 

[VoiceOfReason]

spmitchell3,

You are not alone. None of us have experiences exactly alike but we all have shared feelings of confusion, depression, anger, hopelessness and helplessness. Those suffering from PTSD aren't the only ones and sometimes we focus so much on "making things right" and dealing with "if only" that we lose sight of our inner selves and the need to nurture those children within us.

What are you doing to work on "you"? To keep your sanity, gain a measure of peace, the room for the inner you to breathe? If you lose yourself inside the support you give you might wind up emotionally shriveled and unable to cope with your own issues? Don't kid yourself, everyone has issues of one kind or another and you should focus on making sure YOU are ok in order to be able to help HER.

I've been reading these forums a long time and just joined today because there were things that weren't being said that should be, in my experience.

One of them is painful but necessary to think about. Too often I see people saying, like you, "if she just got better everything will be all right." While this IS possible, it allows those of us who are supporting PTSD sufferers to shed all the burden of our personal and relationship issues into the bucket of PTSD when, in reality, if the PTSD weren't present those issues might remain.

Another, and I learned this the hard way, is that some people only got into a relationship with us BECAUSE of the PTSD and when that person dealt with their issue sufficiently to become healed, that relationship was over.

That was a hard lesson and I hope you don't have to experience it.

And lastly (because there are so MANY lessons and I don't want to write a book), as I said to another person on this site, take all the love and support and camaraderie that you can from this site but stay away from alternative diagnosis, additional diagnosis, and suggestions that "worked for me" in relation to dealing with your significant other. We aren't ALL doctors on here and many times you'll make things worse when trying to make them better. Best to focus on YOU and let the professionals work on HER.

Peace and love,
VoR

 

[spmitchell3]

I would say that she does, in her own way. As has already been mentioned, it seems she has big issu...

She has huge trust issues because every male figure in her life prior to me failed to be there for her. She grew up with a controlling and emotionally manipulative father who eventually committed suicide. Her first boyfriend was emotionally abusive telling her she was overweight when she was underweight...telling her what she should wear, who she could be with and expecting her to check in with him. Her first boyfriend when she went to college raped her. Another ran up her credit cards buying stuff for himself. He also had her take out student loans she didn't need, gambled the money way and then blamed her for his gambling problems. In fact, they all blamed her for anything bad that happened.

One thing that makes this painful for me is that this has been building for at least the last 10 years of our 15 year marriage...but she was too afraid to say anything. Instead, she just kept pretending everything would get better. I would have been there for her had I only known. She's been to therapy several times but each therapist simply diagnosed her with depression and prescribed medication...which only put a band aid on the problem.

I want to be the first man in her life to stand by her through the most difficult situation(s) and be there for her. I want to show her what a loving relationship is really like because, by her own admittance, she has no idea what one is. I believe the love is there...she just doesn't recognize it or denies it to herself out of fear because being vulnerable with someone...trusting them...has brought her nothing but pain most of her life. I've had several people tell me that she doesn't really want a divorce...that she really does want me there, even if she doesn't tell me unless asked, because the one thing she wants more than anything else in the world is stability. By filing for divorce she loses that stability and may never get it back.

 

[VoiceOfReason]

@spmitchell3

I commend you on wanting to be the first man to stand by her.

A couple of things stand out to me, some positive, some negative but I thought I would mention them just in case you were unaware of the possible ramifications.

While I applaud your thoroughness in wanting people to understand where your wife is emotionally and how she got there I, personally, would be upset to see the factors that contributed to my PTSD condition aired for public consumption. Just a thought: if she read your posts with you (and perhaps she does, I don't know) would she be pleased to have everyone know what happened to her?

I love the sentiment that you want to stand by her and be different that all the men in her past. Something to think about: people with trauma tend to be attracted to a particular type of person, from my experience, and if she hadn't begun to be aware of her condition and get treatment for it there's a good possibility (as much as the idea is repugnant) that you might share similar traits to her previous relationships which attracted her to you in the first place. Logically, if that IS so, then that might also be part of the reason she has been afraid to say anything. I know, the idea hurts and our first instinct is to say "You're absolutely wrong and I'm NOTHING like them..." but that is an instinctual response and one should actually stop and think long and hard about it. We ALL have similar traits, in varying degrees, to people we abhor. Now might be a good time to perform some self-analysis.

I think it's great that you believe the love is there and that you are willing to show her a loving relationship despite the lack of reciprocal display. I would caution you not to attribute specific reasons of your own to her behavior for the simple fact that it may lead you to incorrect, unhelpful behavior in return. As an analogy, if your car won't go you can't attribute it to being out of gas when it's a problem with the circuitry. You'll find yourself trying to "fix" the wrong problem. It's far too easy for all of us to provide our own analysis of why people behave the way they do and then act accordingly, locking ourselves into a particular path.

I wish you all the luck, my friend, and remember: you are not alone.

Peace and Love,
VoR

 

[AnnaLost]

As a sufferer I feel for you. I don't know if this will help, but I heard a sing by Gabrielle Alpin and the lyrics struck me as almost exactly what you described.

"Just please don't say you love me
'Cause I might not say it back
Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that
There's no need to worry when you see just where we're at
Just please don't say you love me
'Cause I might not say it back"

That's how I felt about my husband to the day he died.