Hate Everything

[Kisharha]

I can't imagine I'm the only one out there like this, so I have to ask: What can be done when you have simply 'existed' for the last few years and can't find a single reason to live? What do you do when there isn't anything left in the world you wish to try or experience? What do you do when the most excitement you have each day is knowing you'll finally get to escape back to bed and away from it all? People are constantly trying to push idea's and activities onto me, saying "Oh you'll like it if you try it!". But no, I never do, and I never will. The crap is boring and pointless and not in the least bit something that I would go for, as if anything is these days. My doctors are useless. They will not even prescribe me the medicines most of you folks are being given because I was an alcoholic for 8 years. Doesn't matter to them that I quit cold turkey on my own, and don't even so much as twitch when I walk past the aisle in the market and can have a bottle of vodka sit untouched in my home for months on end (or until hubby drinks it, anyway). They are scared to death I will become addicted. Not really sure of their reasoning there, as addiction is better to me than me killing myself from lack of treatment. And the one mood stabilizer med they had me on for 3 years ended up causing me to become diabetic. Thanks, docs! So.. I hate everything. I hate people, sunlight, sounds (especially human voices), TV, music, leaving my house - I mean I can go on and on but it would be a long list that I'd have to keep coming back to edit as I remember more things I hate. I like my cat.. but he's old and will die soon. He's actually all I'm holding out for, as I don't trust anyone to take good care of him if I leave him here alone. I want children, but there's no way in hell I could actually take care of them as I am, plus my husband has suddenly recanted on his also wanting children - and fertility issues would stand in the way due to another condition I have. Failure as a woman as well, for joy!

I want to say, I am a very very stubborn person. I can sit here and dream of how nice it would be to be dead and not feel or be aware of anything anymore - but I am stubborn and hold out for that hope that things will somehow get better. But I mean, do they really? Is it reasonable that I will suddenly no longer HATE EVERYTHING one day?

You know what, I take that back - I love bacon. But if we are going to be reasonable, I can't live for bacon alone.

 

[Socha]

Hey Kisharha,
what you describe sounds a lot like depression to me. And I can relate to that. A couple of years ago I did not want to be here anymore. I wanted to sit on my couch and just stop breathing so all the pain I was experiencing would stop. My dog was the only reason why I left my apartment and didn’t commit suicide. I was convinced it would never be any different because I am a f*ck up and a failure. It is different now though.

I got into therapy.

I had to plan ahead the next day. Structure was something that really helped.

I tried to catch natural light and go outside for at least 30 minutes a day. Even if you sit there hating yourself it will get your body Vitamin D which helps with the mood.

Pen to paper therapy was one thing that helped me a lot to understand why I was feeling like I did.

I started to get up at a reasonable time got in the shower and got dressed in clothes I felt comfortable and somewhat attractive in. Even if I didn’t leave the house, it helped me a lot because when someone called and asked me to go somewhere I was already ready and didn’t have to stress to get in the shower first. And yes I had to force myself to do something because in the beginning nothing was fun.

Sometimes I allowed myself to indulge in this mood for one day. I ate anything I wanted as much as I wanted, watched stupid TV shows all day and didn’t even think about getting out of bed. But the next day I put my pathetic butt in the shower again, got dressed and tried to be a part of life again.

Another thing that helped me was volunteering. It made me feel less useless because I did something that was valuable to someone else.

Among other symptoms I still struggle with depression and it’s hard to go out there and be a part of life. But I am at a point where I would do anything to get better or get well.

It is hard and sometimes I want nothing more but to give up… But it can get better!

I hope you find a way too!

 

[Kisharha]

Scared of phones. Too paranoid to leave house alone, and there's no one to go out with me. My vitamin D saturation is at 77 with d3 supplements, on the high end actually. Light hurts my eyes so going out in the sun is a no-go, not to mention I am horribly heat intolerant, which is why I moved from Virginia to northern Maine. Talk therapy made me suicidal and we had to stop it, basically anything that involves talking about my problems only exacerbates until my doctors end up tucking tail and avoiding that, telling me they'll try it again another time (Though they never do, and eventually a new doctor will attempt it, with same results). I've had depression since I was a pre-teen and its only gotten worse and worse (I'm 32 now). The mood stabilizers they put me on make me so I feel nothing. Not happy, not sad, no joy, no interest, no fear, nothing. I'd rather wallow in sadness and feel something that feel nothing.

I don't know how I can volunteer from home. I don't have transportation and this is a pretty sparsely populated area. Though working with animals has always been good for me before I was put on disability. It was the people I couldn't work with any longer, not the animals. Anything that involves talking to, taking orders from, or having to look at another person won't work for me right now, I'll end up either back in the psych ward or hospital with a panic attack, or worse.

I don't have the motivation, will power, or energy to force myself to do anything anymore. I've been sick nonstop since December, and they space my appointments a month apart so it's taking forever to even figure out what's wrong, though I know my sleep apnea has probably worsened again after having almost completely disappeared 2 years ago. I can't even lay down sometimes because my body is so sore from always being in bed trying to sleep away every day hoping the next will be better and without so much pain... There's nothing to watch as far as TV/movies anymore, its all crap or I've already seen it. I'd love a new book to read but no way to get one, and can't even afford it on my budget, seeing as I'm broke by the 8th anyway every month and still can't feed myself - can't justify a book in that case. Can't read online more than an article length or 2, so aggravating to try to do so when you're used to actual books. Plus I can't curl up in bed with my PC... :P

Feeling useless really isn't my problem. I have no desire to be of use to anyone in the first place, as I hate people and society. I want the world to speak to me and give me a reason to stay here. But I'm pretty sure at this point there's nothing left it hasn't tried already.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Where I live there is an organization called PAWS. They rescue animals, and give you the funds to care for them until they are adopted out. Minimal personal contact, answer phone, emails, they can drop off the food and help with the veterinary issues. Have room for that?

Books - no mobile library to service where you live? No neighbors that you could ask to get and return books for you?

I would recommend a dog above all. I can interact with people as she is my alter and shield, my 1 -2 hour works in the real world not my own head. Mindfulness - stuck in your own head. Yes it is very real, find and outlet. I am only a few steps above your level of depression. I have to take care of my dog, not just open a can of food.

It is a shocking statement:

I have no desire to be of use to anyone in the first place, as I hate people and society.

Why are you posting here when you have no desire to give anything to anyone, other than yourself, your self pity? I can understand self-loathing, but to hate all others and then ask for help? What do you want from us?

If we could send you a pig would that help?

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

You seem to be in quite a miserable place. I'm not sure any suggestions I would have would be helpful to you based on your posts. I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[Kisharha]

Why are you posting here when you have no desire to give anything to anyone, other than yourself, your self pity? I can understand self-loathing, but to hate all others and then ask for help? What do you want from us?

You're right. No idea what I was thinking. Ciao

 

[joeylittle]

@Kisharha, is it an option to go into an inpatient program? It doesn't sound to me like you have gotten aggressive enough therapy or medication from the providers you are working with.

Also: look into two types of treatment- Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, and vasovagal nerve stimulation.

My personal answer for what to do when you believe things have worsened past all the traditional options is to go ahead and push forward into things that are more aggressive that you may not have otherwise considered. If you are debating between life and death, why not throw everything you can at the possibilities for improving life, you know?

But truly: just for medication and traditional therapy alone, you might get a great deal out of spending two weeks to a month inpatient, so your medication can really be adjusted and so you can push through the challenges of talk therapy in a crisis-supportive environment.

I know how frustrating it can be. You were strong enough to stop drinking - you can be strong enough to fight back against this, too.

 

[Fadeaway]

Hey, I think you need to give this site a chance. You'll find you get a lot of differing view points and a wide variety of advice. Take what is useful, and evaluate those things that seem not to be useful.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@Kisharha I meant to put a smiley face with the sending you a pig comment. You love bacon, start from there. Get (borrow) a smoker and start making your own. Challenge to learn how to do it, and perfect it. :D:rolleyes:. How do you fare in the Maine winters? Maybe coming out of hibernation? Also sincere about what you want from us. Work on the hate. My symptoms for depression is impressive, but hate is not part of that. Anger at abuse, fear of personal interaction, discomfort in social other than with my dog. We share here about our inner and outer lives, intent is the sharing to help. Won't send a hug but in thought.

 

[Stickler]

Anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure? That is what it sounds like to me. It's generally a feature of severe depression.

Guessing you were put on seroquel or some other antipsychotic?

Selective-serotonin- reuptake inhibitors...might help?
If not tried before, though I'd be really surprised if someone threw an antipsychotic at you without trying antidepressants first...Because AP's have more serious potential side effects...As you have unhappily found out. :(

Antiseizure meds are often used as mood stabilizers, dunno if you have given those a whirl?
Don't take my word for it, look up the wikis. See what the side-effect profiles are, see if it is worth the risk?

Dead's dead. It's logical to try everything else first.

Cognitive-Behavioral therapy and Dialectical Behavioral therapy are more present-focused. THAT may help.

 

[Stickler]

Um, as for free books? Check out
https://www.gutenberg.org/

 

[The Albatross]

Well I don't know what other people do but I choose another attitude. Yeah choose and it takes at times some hard work and effort.