Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

Yikes, I am a real mess today. I should go visit my mother, then to this big dinner party tonight for a friend who's turning "double-nickels" 55. I'm not sure I'm able to do either. All parts screaming to go back to sleep. So maybe I will do that and decide later. It is always hard to know which parts to listen to in times like this. Mr. Famous Psychiatrist makes it sound so easy--negotiate, he says. Sometimes that works, but not so much when all parts are in high activation mode and want totally opposite things. Ugh.

And is it really such a bad thing to have parts that want to be taken care of? I've taken care of everybody else my whole life. And I'm tired. Sigh. I want somebody to take care of me.

 

[Eleanor]

I think you can sleep. And I also think you could let the hospital/hospice staff move your mother. Will it benefit her in any way if you are there? No. Will it harm you. Quite possibly. She's going to complain either way, right? Your mother is very good at not doing reality if I recall correctly. Why should she change now when the reality is rather grim?

In touch with SELF. I will work on that. We are a bit better today. Having company stabilizes him. The ANP comes out. And kind of remembers who I am. He seems matter of fact this AM about we are staying married and even going to counselling on Wed. I'm in a territory without a map. And yes, the bits came through - In Force. RAGE hardly ever gets a work out with me. It was up yesterday. And PANIC was ... having a hard hard hard time. We will see if he blames this on me on Wed. He hasn't really apologized. He said sorry yesterday "for losing my temper" but that was all.

We do better when there is no talking. Sigh.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Hope4Now im getting to know you through your diary. We have a lot in common. This is really random, but I have a suggestion for a high protein low carb snack or lunch: lightly toast rice cake, spread tahini on it and top with alfalfa seed sprouts. Super yummy. The secret is toasting the rice cake. I've been eating way too much corn. I think I've gained even more weight- like I'm a well fed farm animal!!

I hope you have good response to the Neurontin. I have a friend in my support group for chemically sensitive people who has a lot of pain when she gets exposed to too much fumes.She has good results with Neurontin.

I am interested in the book about animal spirits. I've started working with a shaman. I read an introductory book on Shamanic Journeying that was written by a psychologist. In September I will take my first journey to middle world to find my power animal. Eventually she will help me reclaim my soul that I lost during traumas.
Namaste-KYG

 

[Pietro]

Maybe I'm just an idiot and this has always just been an abusive relationship and I just convinced myself it wasn't.

There are so many emotional levels and variations -- it can be very difficult to draw the line between "difficult, but maybe improving" and "abusive". It could be multiple things. Only after a period of time, after thinking through all of the patterns of behavior, various events, etc. can you oftentimes begin to assess the nature of a relationship. Especially when your partner continually flips back and forth.

Don't be too hard on yourself for having hope, being optimistic that things might improve, and choosing the hard path of fighting for your marriage and family. :)

I had to go through this with doctors I disagreed with about my son when he was in a coma from a bad motorcycle accident. He died quite peacefully and in my heart I know that we made the right choice. He would have hated living like a vegetable had he had the surgery. It is a very tough call

It's an awful situation to be in, but you do the best you can to do what's right for your loved-ones, right? I'm sorry you had to go through this with your son. I hope you have been able to find some peace regarding this.

She's going to go down fighting me and blaming me every inch of the way, it seems.

Which is the same as she's been for a long time, right? ;) The only thing you can do for her is show her kindness, to the best of your ability, that this is what she leaves the world with. So that you know you at least tried to give her peace and love. You're only responsible for your behavior, not hers. I think @Eleanor is right re: the hospice staff moving your mother. No need for you to put yourself in that situation.

For any kid, though, summer academic work is more torture than a learning experience. Torture for kid, torture for parent.

Had to do this with both my kids over the summer. My son was an absolute terror regarding this. I got long lectures about how unfair it was that his summer was being interrupted and intruded upon by having to do school-related work. If only he'd put all of that energy and time into getting the damned work done. :sneaky:

And is it really such a bad thing to have parts that want to be taken care of? I've taken care of everybody else my whole life. And I'm tired. Sigh. I want somebody to take care of me.

No, it's not such a bad thing. Nor is it bad, especially for us, to feel like we want someone to take care of us. Because we've always felt that we had to take care of everyone else all our lives -- starting with our parents, their emotions, etc. Instead of us being the center of their lives, we were bred to cater to their needs. That part of you that wants "somebody to take care of" you now has the courage to request this, say it out loud, want it. Your "adult" is the one who gets to figure-out how to meet that request. :)

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@Hope4Now reading Mark Twain again, and you are very Twainish. I also will look seek out the animal spirit book. Sometimes I feel wolfish, and also tigerish.

 

[Hope4Now]

you are very Twainish.

Yikes, that's high praise!

The animal book is pretty cool if you are okay with what a lot of people call "woo woo" stuff. I call it that too, but affectionately. I'm pretty into it.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am about to go to bed. I hope to sleep. I have slept little in the past four nights, and it is really wearing on me in spite of naps. I have to get up at the crack of dawn to go into the city to see a big deal specialist in fibromyalgia. Blah. It seems pretty clear that this is part of what is going on with me, so it seems rather fruitless to have to go to yet another rheumatologist. But there it is. The various health people in my life seem to think it is a good idea.

My disability approval came through. That is a relief, at least for the time being.

I am kind of coming "down" from three weeks of craziness in my external and internal life. I was doing a bit better before all that craziness started, and I hope I can come back to that place. It is enormously discouraging to backslide the way I have, but I suppose that is just the way it is. I am working at self-compassion and self-care. I did take it mostly easy today.

Meeting with Yoda today was a wash. Not because of him. Because I just don't seem to be ready to deal with this little newborn part. It's a bit like shoring up sandcastles with the incoming tide. Just as I begin to focus on one collapsing wall, six others go and I don't know which to put my energy into saving. Blah. Yoda seems to think I only need to concentrate on one. But he has no idea what fireworks are going on in my brain and body. It's ugly. But overall, I am managing it decently. It is starting to become familiar, unfortunately.

Well, lest it be midnight before I'm in bed (and give me one more thing to beat myself up about), I'm going.

I'm smiling that @Changeling thinks I'm "twainish." I don't think I would change lives with him, but I certainly would like to write like he did!

 

[Hope4Now]

Sometimes I feel wolfish, and also tigerish.

Both powerful animal spirit guides. Wolf is one of mine.

 

[Eleanor]

Wolf some for me, but mostly Skunk. And occasionally Deer.

 

[Hope4Now]

mostly Skunk

had a close call with a skunk last night :)...no spray though. I'm sure you smell better than your spirit animal :roflmao:.

 

[Hope4Now]

Well, after three years, the verdict has been pronounced. I have fibromyalgia. No question/no doubt/quite obvious says specialist. Have probably had it for quite a long time given symptom history. So now in addition to Yoda and Mr. Famous Psychiatrist, I have Mr. Rheumatology doc who is not so famous but I liked very much. A real human person, not an automaton.

Apparently, there is no cure for this disease/disorder whatever it is. Just management. The goal is to "feel better." (Uh, yeah!). Psychotherapy, psychoparmacology, stress reduction, relaxtion techniques, movement. Pretty much what I have been doing.

I have ANOTHER new med to start today. A referral to a mindbody program for a six week course.

I'm not quite sure whether to feel relieved at the validation, or horrified by the validation. There's a lot of overlap between trauma and fibromyalgia. Somehow having this medical label stuck on me feels more intense than PTSD or a dissociative disorder did. Even though I was pretty sure I have it. Just another step in making things real, I suppose.

Time for radical acceptance. Mr. Rheumatology doc says it is very possible I could get better and be more functional. That was all he was willing to offer.

So I suppose naps and gentle exercise and meditation, etc. are in my future for a while.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

So I suppose naps and gentle exercise and meditation, etc. are in my future for a while.

Have you tried any homeopathic remedies? My dog Bella has some issues and does not know what a placebo effect is. Swanson Vitamins has formulas for fibromyalgia, arthritis, etc. Excellent custom service, real people that know the products. Costs are so reasonable. I use them also. Wish there was one for PTSD. :(:);)