Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

[KwanYingirl]

More great beach weather that's supposed to last all week. I just bought a $200 swimsuit for $64!!! On Google I think they're trying to compete with Amazon.
I was skinny all my life until my shrink put me on Seroquil, then Risoerdal and the Geodin. I put on 50 pounds that I can't get off. I miss my skinny body...I. Have a herniated disc in my lower back that occurred during one of my nocturnal migrations. I fell down the stairs and landed on my hip. It caused problems. I'm going to see my chriopracter to see if she'll allow me to run. My goal would be to run in a 5K next summer. I take yoga and my calves and arms are toned but my gut s huge.

I used to migrate from room to room during the night. Trying to find a safe place to sleep. When I moved to Maine, I had an alarm system installed and that helped. I still wake up in the night but I'm aware of who and where I am. Fortunately, no stairs here!

I can't find a safe place in order to get EMDR and I will be starting working with a Shaman in September. I've read the prerequisite book and I have to choose a place in ordinary reality through which to enter middle world where I will journey to meet my power animal and other helper animal spirits. At some point in time my Shaman will help me reclaim my soul. The operative word in shamanism is 'intention'. I mustn't ask for material things but intentions that serve my greater good. This ought to be interesting. After I read the book I thought "they're just asking people to dissociate! To leave ordinary reality and travel to one of the three worlds where I can travel to to get information on my life's struggles.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

((((((((((KwanYinGirl)))))))))

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'm feeling stronger today. I have such strong reactions to writing. I talked with my therapist about it today. He just assured me for the millionth time that feelings come and go. Even remembering traumatic events doesn't mean they are still happening. I just feel like there's a hologram of myself at different ages sitting next to me when I'm telling my story. That freaks me out.

Once I was in London and I went to a pub on my birthday. I was alone. I remember a nice looking guy came in and sat next to me and started chatting. The next memory I have is waking up in his car driving through the city. I was super groggy. I pretended to be asleep but I kept my right eye open and when we got to a signal light and he stopped the car, I bolted out of it and ran as fast as I could. I had no idea where I was, I was drugged up and it was hard to ask someone to help me get a cab. So right now it feels like acid is flowing through my body ( anxiety) and I'm hyperventilating. So that's all for today. Calm down time. I'm still alive.

 

[Deleted member 29961]

laced sewing needles through my skin

Sewing needles and straight pins, especially in the wrists, very painful.

I can't help to wonder what connection harming myself was recreating the abuse

For me, I don't think it was recreating the abuse, but a way of dealing with the emotional pain. I didn't know how to deal with emotional pain, but I understood physical pain and how to deal with it, and dealing with the physical pain took away the emotional pain. It is kind of like hitting your thumb with a hammer to forget about the toe you just stubbed.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Jigsaw Puzzle yeah, I've been told cutting is a way to self soothe, albeit not the recommended way. I'm lucky that I have never gotten an infection from it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Flashbacks.
I was having such a good week. My best friend came down to the beach and I spent lazy days in the sun with her and we went to see Bruce Cockburn. He was as great as ever. Then my daughter came to hopefully go to the beach, but it ended up raining, so we saw a movie instead. I went for almost a whole week without taking my usual nap and my energy level was pretty good. Maybe I'm just bored to death and lonely. I should try to find some friends...

Then today I found out that one of my favorite clients is the niece of the woman who's throat was slit by a madman at the local grocery store. I was doing ok with the tragedy. But now it's affecting someone close to me and its triggered non stop flashbacks to my being strangled from behind. Sure I was going to die but fortunately I passed out and he fled but was seen by witnesses.

I've got to come up with a strategy to defuse these flashbacks. When they hit, I just curl up and hold myself and want to cut or take drugs or just sleep the day away. Ack.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Buddha Groove has a lovely silver lotus pendent with a blue topaz for the blossom. My lotus tattoo is blue too. I ordered it!!

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Thought you might like this, its one of my favourite quotes. Although easier said than done. I'm not even sure if its a legitimate quote buddha was (aparently) notoriously quiet he said that word would be missunderstood, taken out of context and over analised, Yep sounds about right.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you @NoWhereKnowWhere that is a wonderful quote and I've got it scribbled in my journal. But, alas, I don't heed it.

 

[seedling]

These are all the things that I hear that tell me how you love and care about yourself. That you do heed the quote:

Wonderful summer day at the beach with my best friend

I spent lazy days in the sun with her

I'm going to see my chriopracter

I take yoga and my calves and arms are toned

I will be starting working with a Shaman

help me reclaim my soul

intentions that serve my greater good.

get information on my life's struggles

I've got to come up with a strategy

I ordered it!!

You could only do these things for someone you truly loved and cared about. It's hard to feel, but your caring shows in what you do.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Wow @seedling when you break it down I can see clearly that I have distortions. Thank you for your insight!

 

[seedling]

Some time you can point out mine to me. ;) :)