When Self Care Is A Trigger

[sun seeker]

When I'm doing badly, blurting out fun things like 'am I allowed to breathe',

Oh, I can so relate to this. Just basic things that come back to the right to exist. I feel weird about it because I feel like it should be enough to tell myself that I have the right, but it isn't. It feels different when someone else says it for me.

So... not that you asked, but yes, you are allowed to breathe. ;)

 

[sun seeker]

Well, my latest take on this is, when sedated with Clonazepam instead of just enjoying the lull in my persistent high levels of anxiety, I use the time to cook. So today I managed to roast some potatoes, bake a cake from a mix with grated zucchini added, put some chickpeas to soak, and make some zucchini in miso sauce. Nothing very complicated, but it would have been impossible otherwise. I actually ate a big supper.

I'm still struggling with what feels like the main issue in this though. Even the basics of taking care of myself feel next to impossible in the absence of secure attachment. Yikes. The more I unwind my trauma to the roots, the more of it comes back to this. There just aren't the basic building blocks of life. The good thing is I've found a very, very good trauma therapist whose approach is compatible with my needs. That's keeping me from total despair.

 

[songcat]

For those who haven't followed this, I reached a point of breakdown a few weeks ago. Basic living is...

I find that even what I might think of benign activities or words have become triggers for PTSD, anxiety, depression. I am seeking ways to detach the trigger from the act or word which seems extremely hard to do. For instance, I am now seeking constantly different routes to drive to work because my regular route has so many triggers and I have noticed that I tend to have the same upsetting thoughts at exactly the same places on the routes. This also holds true for routes I drive only rarely like going to and from the airport to pick up or drop off people.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm sorry this is happening for you @songcat. I can relate. Just yesterday I posted another thread, Can't Listen to Music. I think this is along the same lines. When we are extremely vulnerable, the smallest thing can set us off. It does make the world very small.

 

[The Albatross]

Normalize through repetition the activity (I do best in the form of a goal/challenge) or be prepared to accept the consequences of an increased restrictive lifestyle for sake of anxiety.

 

[songcat]

I'm sorry this is happening for you @songcat. I can relate. Just yesterday I pos...

Yes, there is a lot of music that is off limits for now. For me listening to some instrumental music, like Vivaldi's Four Seasons is okay and even relaxing but lyrics often serve as triggers, or songs that bring back memories.

 

[sun seeker]

Normalize through repetition the activity (I do best in the form of a goal/challenge)

Eventually? Yes. At a different stage of recovery, when the goal is getting a life back. Right now, the goal is survival. I'll live with the small world for now with that in mind.

 

[Laurie2001]

For those who haven't followed this, I reached a point of breakdown a few weeks ago. Basic living is...

I can totally relate to this, but perhaps for different reasons. Self-care becomes scary for me because it feels dangerous. Cooking definitely, and food shopping extremely. This partly has to do with the verbal abuse and shaming that occurred when I did anything wrong. Although my husband is the nicest man and picks up what I can't do and would never shame me those inside intense fears are there. I try and go easy on myself.

 

[songcat]

I can totally relate to this, but perhaps for different reasons. Self-care becomes scary for me beca...

You are being brave talking about it. Hurtful words and shaming have long lasting effects on even the nicest people who have suffered them. I suffer this and I find that in today's political world, the way some politicians bully others for things that have nothing to do with the issues but just namecalling and insulting that that also serves as a trigger for me.

 

[Flower Power]

I am glad to know I am not the only one that has had this issue. I found at one point that even going into my own kitchen was triggering me. Preparing food and self care was triggering me. It was okay if I prepared food for my husband but not for myself. I actually got so mad at him one day because he didn't want a salad and veggies because I did and it wasn't ok for me to just fix them for me. As I got to the bottom of all this what came up was that having been raised with an emotionally abusive narcisstic mother and the fact that I used food as a protection system from that abuse I finally got it. A memory surfaced of being in the kitchen looking for something to eat and being screamed at from the other room to get the hell out of the kitchen. With a narcisstic mother, none of my physical needs were ok or acceptable. Any focus that I dared put on myself was in competition with her ideology that everything was supposed to be about her. The lack of my self care and ability to self-care without internalizing that verbal and emotional abuse became down right impossible. The less I did self-care the more the abuse increased as well, it was a no win situation and led to my Complex PTSD and dissasociation from me, my bodies needs, and the world at large. After therapy it is much better and the more I have understood that that internalized imitative voice that is my mother's is actually an internalized attempt of my own psyche to protect me from further harm, I have been able to disentangle myself and begin to self-care more. It still can be a struggle of not falling into the "What difference does it make? And who cares anyway?" But the more I learn to self- parent the more I take care of the needs of myself that as a chlld were never met and were never ok. It does get easier, but it takes work.

 

[OhEmma]

Sun Seeker, I'm a new member and still sort of finding my way around with my monster collection of triggers and learning what they are. I can't offer any words of wisdom, but want you to know I can definitely relate to self-care being really triggering. I'm relieved to hear that someone else understands this issue, but I'm sorry you're going through it, too. My T told me this was going to be a matter of exposure (which I dread). The bathroom, rather than the kitchen, is massively triggering for me.

 

[sun seeker]

With a narcisstic mother, none of my physical needs were ok or acceptable. Any focus that I dared put on myself was in competition with her ideology that everything was supposed to be about her. The lack of my self care and ability to self-care without internalizing that verbal and emotional abuse became down right impossible.

@Flower Power, thank you, you have something there that is helpful to me. My mother was much the same way. She resented my very existence. I had to take up as little space as possible, not take care of myself because she hated it if I was comfortable or happy. Taking care of my own needs and generally being all right were met with scorn. Also, eating around her made my stomach tie up in knots, even as an adult, because of the atmosphere of tension she created.

Not me. I have to remember that all of this is not me.