Relationship Am I Doing The Right Thing??!!

[Livy's Mom]

After walking on eggshells for about 3 months and trying to avoid what he said was coming, he left.

Saturday morning he woke up, showered, walked down to the basement grabbed some boxes, packed kissed our 3 year old on the top of her head and left.. Just like that.

I knew it was coming but it doesn't matter that I had been preparing. It still guts me. Once he was gone I cried like crazy then picked myself up and began cleaning up the house and rearranging our decor since he felt it necessary to take decorative items to his uncles basement. Lol

It's funny how my reactions have changed over the years... 3 years ago I was throwing myself on the floor begging and pleading for him not to go. Now I'm thinking about how unbalanced the built ins look now that he took his marine corps box.. Haha.

I can't quite tell if I'm in denial or if I'm just ok with him leaving.

He didn't come to see her and didn't call until yesterday afternoon. He had a brief conversation with her and the rest was just blah blah I got a storage unit and I'll come for the rest of my stuff this week or next week.

When he left I sent one text that said this is not about you not loving me, it's about your illness and when your ready to deal with that and come home we will be here. He responded blah blah.. I haven't reached out since.

At this point I am going about my normal day to day with my daughter and keeping my emotional meltdowns out of her sight.

I'm doing all of the things that I've learned I need to do. Care for her and I and let whatever will be just be.

It's incredibly difficult to let it be. My need to tell him to get help and come home is overwhelming at times. I want to scream and yell at his family that enables him. But I don't.

I'm doing what I have been told I should do when he dos this kind of thing but the fear that I'm not trying hard enough is overwhelming.

I'm afraid if I don't do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, that he will just stay gone and continue his decent into alcohol and sadness that nobody sees but me.

I haven't asked for money and plan to just do this on my own for a little while. I made that choice because I'm afraid to push him further away.

I will obviously go for support if in my heart I feel he really isn't coming home so I guess my question to all of you is am I an idiot?!?! Should I have already demanded financial support and drawn that line in the sand?

My family and friends think I'm nuts for not asking him for anything but I see it more as me proving that I am not the threat he sees in me. That he has the illness and I can see right through it.

Am I a moron for thinking this way?

 

[Theresa1122]

After walking on eggshells for about 3 months and trying to avoid what he said was coming, he left....

First and foremost, you are not a moron! You need to do what is best for your child right now. It sounds like he's in denial of his disease and his family enabling him will further decrease his health a well-being. Your best move, in my opinion only am I'm no professional, is to go ahead and move forward with a support order. You are now legally separated and you need to take care of yourself and your child. You don't have to file for divorce or anything, but a support order will help you and your child continue to lead as normal a life as possible and that's what the two of you need.

If his family continues to enable him, he will never get help because he can't see what this disease is doing to him. It sounds like you've tried to talk to him about getting help before and he's not open to that option. If he doesn't want to get help, that's sad, but you can't force him to do so. The only thing you can do is what is best for you and Livy.

Please don't blame this on yourself and continue to be upbeat and cheerful as possible when Livy is around. She's too young to understand this complex disease. If she asks, maybe a simple, "Daddy's not feeling very good" would suffice for now.

I wish and Livy all the best.

 

[nursenurse]

This is not about proving anything to him. This is business now, you have to take care of your daughter, which means he owes HER the support. Seek legal counsel, find out your options. No one says you have to act on them all, but his situation sounds bigger than you, and you need to be prepared and not blind sided. You are not pushing him further away by asking for support for the daughter that he too is responsible for. By your non action, you may just be enabling him to shirk his duties and responsibilities. Your daughter deserves better, and so do you. By all means take some time to regroup. but he isn't with you now, and you have to start making plans for your lives that do not include him, other than arrangements, legally made, for support/visitation with your daughter. If by some miracle his light bulb flashes and he seeks help, bonus. Decide very carefully what you can accept. You have already talked with him, begged with him, pleaded with him. You need to look after you and your daughter, simple as that.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Thanks so much for your responses.. Your both correct. As usual lol. I am going to take a week or so to pull it together and then file the order. I'll schedule a consultation now for a few weeks out. Thanks again for your support.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I will obviously go for support if in my heart I feel he really isn't coming home so I guess my question to all of you is am I an idiot?!?! Should I have already demanded financial support and drawn that line in the sand?

I agree with the posters above... but I will add that it takes a great long while to get a support order in place. While you may be OK financially now, it may not be that way in 6 months. If he is in a chaotic place, you have to nail down some kind of stability for yourself and your daughter. He obviously isn't stepping up to offer any kind of child support arrangement right now, and that may be because he mind isn't in the right place. However, he may never step up.

If he gets VA benefits or disability, and he gets credit for your daughter being one of his dependents, then that money is for her, not him. Child support can be taken out of VA benefits.

 

[Theresa1122]

Thanks so much for your responses.. Your both correct. As usual lol. I am going to take a week or s...

So glad you're going to get the paperwork started. It in the best interest of you and Livy both. :-)

 

[Livy's Mom]

Thank you again for the support. I called yesterday to set up an appointment for consultation. I think this time more than ever before I'm making my decisions more for us than him and more from my head than my heart.

It's encouraging to me to see the change in myself.

Two side topics though that I've got on my mind though are first, although I am following through with seeking support, I am still very much determined to do what I can to help this family. I know what I need to do for myself and have learned after several failed episodes that I need to just let him go.

What I'm struggling with is how do I do that and still send the message that I'm here, willing to help and want to work through this as a family? Previously I would smother with texts and crying and all that but now I feel like I have also completely detached.

I haven't once reached out. I have a fear that if I do NOTHING that I'm sending a message of screw you too. I don't want that.

Second, his family is just the worst. I am codependent and I'm aware but his family is so in denial about the reality of his situation and REALLY enable him beyond belief.

I haven't said anything to them but I feel it is a total betrayal of our daughter for them to enable in these ways. They took him in and haven't once asked or checked on how she is doing. That makes me furious!!!!

Regardless of what their perception of me and our relationship is I hate the fact that they discard her so easily.

I have a strong support system so I'm not worried about her missing out on that bunch but every day that goes by gets me closer and closer to telling them all exactly how I feel about them and in a venomous way.

Thoughts??

 

[Livy's Mom]

Oh and one more question... Is it normal for sufferers to only detach/isolate from wife and child? I think it might be but I get the impression from some friends and family that I may be in denial since he doesn't seem to be having an issue anywhere else!

Quite frankly I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm completely nuts and aside from being a "heavy drinker" he is a great guy and "I should really begin to accept that he doesn't want to be with me"...

If that were the brutal truth then why abandon his daughter as well.. Bastards.

 

[nursenurse]

I don't have a lot of time at the moment, but what I will say is that you cannot fight their battles. You are self admittedly co-dependent, this does neither you, him, nor your daughter any good. Take your time and really think. No one wants to let go of a marriage, especially the person who has been walked out on. His family sounds like a disaster, and you cannot help them, they can only help themselves. This has been going on for their lifetime as a family. For now, just focus on you, not on how you can help him or his family. He may come around and want to talk. And he may not. Your daughter does not need her heart ripped apart time and time again. I hope you are into some counselling for yourself, co-dependence is a hard thing to overcome without some help. good luck.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Oh yes, I go my own therapist. I hate reading the truth. Hahahaha!

 

[Theresa1122]

I'm so glad that you have a therapist. I'm hoping you have or are seeking one for Livy too. She needs some help in dealing with what she's seen and heard and being able to understand from a professional that none of this is her fault. You're doing everything right. I know you're worried about him, but it doesn't sound like he wants help and with his family enabling him, he may never get help. This is something that you can't change. If he doesn't want to change, you can't make him. You only need to worry about yourself and Livy. Keep moving forward with the support order, therapy, and get therapy for Livy too. He won't change, especially with the family that he has. Him and his family will always try to find a way to blame you and I know how bad that hurts, as I continually experience the blame of my late husband's family against me. If they don't want to be in your daughter's life, maybe that's a good thing because they sound toxic.