Military An Honest Assessment & An Actual Title

[Ronin]

I was never a conformist, but when your mom looks at you like a monster because you have the reaper tattooed on your arm, with a banner around him that says "the devil takes care of his own", it's a weird feeling.

Not sure it'll be any use, but - one can look at this as a form of love.

She cares enough to include ya in her traditional, unchangeable come the apocalypse, understanding of 'good x bad x monster'. Nevermind those scales are completely f*cked sideways, that it feels alienating, that it's annoying as f*ck and seriously piss off worthy... she's still checking you out with lenses as what makes sense in her world. In a wicked way it's caring, because it's not not giving a damn, shoo-far-away, monster. Not entirely, anway.

'Sides, hey, at least you know where you stand with the devil, & are honest & frank as f*ck about it. Last I noticed those were good things. ;)

 

[Ronin]

don't know how I'll ever marry a woman.
Or hold my unborn child in the future.
I can't see myself being a normal person anymore.

You will do just well.

When they reach for you? When they're all Daddy, look me, I just poop'd for the first time, aren't you proud? When they scream their lungs out and then almost purr because you're the special person holding them making eeverything right?

The friends one lost can still be there. The emptiness can still be there. But there's something different with these babies, -too-, and that different brings out change, if you let it.

That cold-hard-dark-functioning isn't in the way of rebuilding your life.

It never was. It's an obstacle to jump over, drive straight through and keep going, avoid, or whichever you prefer to do with shit making you change course for the time's sake, but not a dead end.

 

[Disgruntledgrunt1577]

You're a wise individual Cashew.
I think some good could come of further speaking with you, and I appreciate what you've said already. It all makes sense. Almost like you've been there and done it already. Lol

 

[Ronin]

I'd be happy to talk.

I'm weird as f*ck about talking; went years on literal silence and interaction being only petty shit that bores the f*ck out of me or is things I try to stay clean off. Doesn't change conversing is great, the openess to it.

Been there, done that, lost people on it, trying to roll on & roll through, nothing better I can do about it, but always glad if I can lend a hand.

 

[Footsie1980]

Well, here goes nothing.

I actually managed to decide on a title I like this time, and fi...

I know how you feel, almost exactly. 10 years in, 4 tours and more blood on my hands then I can handle. I have social and public anxiety pretty bad too. Im always waiting and watching for something to happen. I can never just relax. I have trouble talking to people about it because honestly I think ive heard enough of the "thank you for your service" or any of that other stuff, it all seems demeaning to me now for some reason. Ive been out for 1.5 years now and im trying to have some sort of a productive happy life with my husband and daughter, my body is here but my head isnt.

The one thing ive learned is that the more I open up to my husband about it, the less scared and alone I feel. Now sometimes I feel like he can help protect us too, takes some weight off me. Good luck and get some help carrying the weight....

 

[Disgruntledgrunt1577]

I know how you feel, almost exactly. 10 years in, 4 tours and more blood on my hands then I can hand...

I get tired of it as well. Because people thank you, but what're they thanking me for? I didn't do anything productive. The people we helped in the moment, protected, whatever. They're all gone now. Their lives have been erased by an enemy we never truly set out to defeat.
The entire conflict was extremely disillusioning for me.
Don't get me wrong though, a thank you is appreciated, but most people will never understand what they're thanking me for.
I gave up my humanity and my peace of mind.
And the only thing I took out of it, was the nagging question of, was it worth it?

 

[Disgruntledgrunt1577]

"You say you are a highly trained killing machine. That's one aspect, one part of you. It isn't all of you by a long shot."

You say it's not, and maybe you're correct.
But when you constantly train five sometimes six days a week to serve one purpose, it is your whole life.

The best way to get a blade between ribs, how to slither under obstacles like a snake, creeping up on positions like a white mink hiding in snow, you practice all these things and more over and over and over and over and over until they are muscle reflex and so effortlessly ingrained in your head that there is no thinking involved.
Only a reaction.

It may not be "all of me", but it is the largest portion and the most prevalent.

Before I was injured I was good at what I did, and that level of heightened prowess will never go away for me, uniform or not.

And there comes a certain disassociation with it.
I can vividly remember talking to a girl I felt very highly of, and her words describing her life.
College, parties, tests, drinking until legal retardation, and a slew of things that made no sense to me. I feel different from most people because I am. For her, she lived casually with no serious responsibility other than school and work. I was in a situation that was life or death. I can remember her emailing me saying that the previous Tuesday she had taken a "really hard test that made me want to shoot myself", while I had carried the corpse of a good friend to the waiting bird for his last flight out.

And that was why I also stopped talking to her.
You can't mix oil and water.
And that is my final point, even you don't see the fullness of what we deal with.
When you have bodies in your sight, it's like playing God and it is all encompassing.
That primal part of you is much stronger than the sheep that's in all of us, and once it's honed and perfected, it doesn't just go away.

And I don't mean any disrespect by this. I'm just hoping you can see it's more than just a "part of you".

 

[Footsie1980]

I get tired of it as well. Because people thank you, but what're they thanking me for? I di...

Thats one thing I actually see as a positive now, I can reasonably sit down and ask myself, "was this worth giving up who I am and basically having any comfortable life anymore". Im happy that Im still semi-sane and can ask myself that, if that makes sense. Whenever somebody expresses thier appreciation or "awe", I feel like im screaming on the inside.

I have found that at times I can forget about all my issues, like when youre watching a good movie and youre so sucked into the story line, you forget about reality. Its far and few in between but I cherish those moments! We moved into a little cabin in the deep woods with literally, nobody for miles and it actually helped. Nobody was forcing me to interact in public and I could do things on my own timing. You just have to find the little things that help you and build off of those I think...

 

[Footsie1980]

Cashew, I also disagree with your post (no disrespect) I have a 9 year old daughter and although I love her, Im her mother and nothing will change that, my motherly insticnts and little moments where Id feel happy on the inside because she was happy or because I was proud of her, those are gone now. Once youve has to take peoples lives or become the cold, rock solid person, its pretty damn hard to go back.

 

[Disgruntledgrunt1577]

I had honestly wondered how a Woman would fare dealing with the same set of experiences as myself. Especially dealing with raising a child. I can agree though. It is very very hard to come back.
When I went home the last time I met with another, "here we go again lol", ex girlfriend from high school I had not seen in...seven years I think? Yeah, seven. We were to meet at a restaurant on her campus. I spotted her immediately. She didn't look any different hardly, but it took me walking up to her and actually saying, hey it's me, before she realized who I was.
And that kinda put the whole thing in perspective for me.
I may still be young in years, but the damage I've done to my body and mind certainly doesn't make me appear young anymore. It's hard to come back to someone you were, when you don't remember who that person was anymore.

 

[Ronin]

It's hard to come back to someone you were, when you don't remember who that person was anymore.

The more reason to give parting vows, pay your respects, and find who you're now, and who you can be.

(Just perspective possibilities; not saying it's possible for everyone, or right now, or maybe in a decade, or when one wishes it would be. If it were we wouldn't need treatment for things like PTSD and scars would stop itching so darned.)

 

[Ronin]

Once youve has to take peoples lives or become the cold, rock solid person, its pretty damn hard to go back

I understand & relate to your perspective & experience, @Footsie1980.

Thing is though; if going back's a no way? Go forward. If there is that forward yet. Create it if it isn't.

I'm just stubborn that way. ;) I acknowledge it's not possible for everyone; doesn't change I'll not stop looking, because some times, run is all there is, and is freedom.