Relationship Stay Or Walk Away?

[journey31]

Dating a combat vet/cop.
He will not let me get close. We met years ago. We keep dating and when we get close, he runs. This time he's not running, but pushing. It's been months and he still won't let me in at all. He says he's afraid of getting hurt. He says he's not ready for a relationship. But if I try to break it off, he talks me out of it.
He refuses to be intimate. It's happened once, and he said he doesn't want to do it again.
I'm at a loss of what to do. I don't want to walk away, but I need something from him.
How can I do this without making him feel backed into a corner?

He's not getting treatment. He said he doesn't need help. I've tried that and he told me I push him too m much for that. So I've stopped trying to get him to get help. I don't want him to shut down.

 

[jfk]

Dating a combat vet/cop.
He will not let me get close. We met years ago. We keep dating and when we g...

I clicked on the link just to see what your story was and I literally could have written it. I actually had to check to see the name and date to make sure I hadn't and forgotten about it that is how much your story is the same as mine. I am sorry I have no advice. I had to walk away because I felt like I was going crazy and it wasn't healthy for me. I don't know if it was the right choice but it wasn't healthy for me. It got to the point where I was constantly wondering if I was being too harsh or because I wasn't demanding or expecting anything it allowed him to treat me like an option. Or I wouldn't hear from him for days and I would worry that he was going through something and then sometimes he would be other times he would just have gone somewhere or have had plans and I just felt like i was waiting around for someone who wouldn't open up to me and let me into their life. And I would try to walk away and then he would give me some piece and pull me back in and make me feel like it was some big step and then it would all start again. Anyways I am rambling, I am sorry you are going through it. I hope it works out better for you.

 

[TXbandit]

He says he's not ready for a relationship. But if I try to break it off, he talks me out of it.

Maybe he see's something in the future but isn't ready to commit yet. Committing to any relationship is hard especially for PTSD sufferers.

He refuses to be intimate. It's happened once, and he said he doesn't want to do it again.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I don't want to walk away, but I need something from him.

To both quotes above. Did he give you a reason as to why he doesn't want to be intimate? Maybe he is just being a nice guy and doesn't want you to feel used because he isn't ready for a committed relationship. What exactly is your 'need' from him?

You don't want to walk away but need something from him. He obviously likes you and wants to continue to date. Maybe give him more time. If you can't be patient for whatever need you want from him, then maybe it is best you walk away for your own sake. Just make sure to let him know why. Good luck!

 

[journey31]

Maybe he see's something in the future but isn't ready to commit yet. Committing to any relationship is...

He said that. When we were discussing what his "not ready" meant. He's like "did I ever tell you I didn't want one ever? "

And as far as the intimacy, no. He didn't say why. It took four months for it to happen. He didn't talk to me for days after. He completely ignored me. Then got mad when I told him about it. Saying he wasn't ignoring me. But he was. He wouldnt even respond to texts.
Then about a week later he just sent a text or I'd the blue saying he didn't think it was a good idea to do it again.

I am trying so hard and if anything we are getting farther apart.

 

[journey31]

I clicked on the link just to see what your story was and I literally could have written it. I actually had to check to see...

I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel and this hurts.

 

[journey31]

Maybe he see's something in the future but isn't ready to commit yet. Committing to any relationship is...

Oh and my need, is just spending more time with him. He cancels all the time. When I say just tell me if you don't want this. He will say he would tell me. And he cancels for legit reasons. To stop jumping to conclusions. Like he gets angry when I say anything that makes him think I'm accusing him of not being interested. Even though he keeps pushing me away.

Then he always goes back to how many times he's heard "I won't hurt you" And he always gets hurt.

And I can understand how someone would have a problem with ptsd sufferer. But I'm willing to be there anyway. He just won't let me.

 

[Glara]

This is how it is for me too. My guy isnt a vet, he suffers from cptsd. When I first tried to break it off with him he freaked out and was saying things that didn't make any sense. I just apologized and figured I'd try to decipher everything when he was calmer. It was about 3 days later he told me he has PTSD and why. I had no idea what that really meant. That was June of last year. In march he told me he never promised or insinuated anything and he didn't want a relationship with anyone. I was heartbroken. I sent an email telling him how I felt and leaving it up to him what to do. I thought I wouldnt hear from him but a week later he texted. He kept texting every week, in May he said he dreamt of me and wants to see me and then went silent for 3 weeks. Last month he had a biopsy for cancer. He said he'd keep me posted but he hasn't. I desperately want to to hear from him, but I can't reach out. For me, I think I've reached the point that I'm done. That makes me feel horrible, like a terrible person. But I've been sick and unhealthy and I know this situation contributes to it. I can't even wrap my mind around him shutting me completely out when he may be so sick. I just don't know how to respond. He's making it easy to leave.

 

[KwanYingirl]

AA suggests to new members not to start a relationship until they have a year of sobriety and soul searching behind them. I think sufferers of PTSD could benefit from the same advice. If they get no help, well, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If they are seriously working on healing its intense, unbalanced, confusing. This is not the best environment for a romantic relationship.

 

[Glara]

I also think I my guy wants me too leave, even though he doesn't. When we were still together he told me not to wait for him, he may never change. I said I'd still text him every (because he's so suicidal) He's said don't worry, he's not running away and it's all good. Later he said he's sorry but he didn't feel safe. It was like that's for quite a while. I know intellectually this is bad for me and it's not what I want. It's also not how he presented himself when we first reconnected romantically. I can't tell you what the right thing is for you to do. I have a 30 year history with this man and that makes it very hard. I just don't think I can go in like this. If he was able to give any sign at all I'd wait forever, but I can't wait when I don't know if he'll ever be back. I do believe he will be in touch someday....

 

[journey31]

I also think I my guy wants me too leave, even though he doesn't. When we were still together he told me n...

That's him. He told me I could see other people because he didn't want me to wait on him while he fixed himself. But I told him I don't want to. He didn't say anything else about it. He came on so strong at first. Then backed off. He said its bc he can only fake everything being OK for so long.
I try to leave he is like if I didn't want it I'd tell you.
I can never get a straight answer out of him. He talks in negatives. "I didn't say that", "that's not what I meant" but never straight out say yes I want this.

 

[journey31]

This is how it is for me too. My guy isnt a vet, he suffers from cptsd. When I first tried to break it of...

Sometimes I feel like he wants me to leave, too. But then I'm like what if he's expecting it but hoping I won't. I'm so confused

 

[journey31]

AA suggests to new members not to start a relationship until they have a year of sobriety and soul s...

He's not getting help. He still won't admit he needs it