Inability To Feel Joy

[NarcSis]

@sun seeker I wish I could quote you the exact papers I read however there were many on the topic and it was years ago. At the time I was searching to see if I was "abnormal" or if something had gone wrong, I was reassured that what I was feeling - or, not feeling - was perfectly normal.

I do think they've pinpointed the anterior cingulate now and someone can correct me if I'm wrong but my understanding is that this is the regulation center, not necessarily the processing center? So if the pathway that controls positive emotions is somehow damaged it can result in a decrease of that feeling or a complete blocking of it. I know that they are still learning a lot about neurophysiology, so at this point a lot of this is only theoretical based on limited study.

I know when I talked with other PTSD emergency workers some had suggested Loving Kindness Meditation and Mantras had worked for them but we were all "singly" traumatized with a chronic presentation and no developmental trauma histories. I'm not sure if treating it takes into account the difference between having felt / known joy/happiness/safety on a stable foundation throughout life until the point of trauma vs. never having had a true foundation of happiness/joy/security? (If anyone knows please share.)

There was a psychology blog I had read (sorry don't even remember the site) that postulated that because of the seemingly insurmountable episodes of hurting we experience during trauma recovery that we sort of lose trust in our positive emotions and this blunt or avoid them habitually to try to manage our further experience of pain. I'd say the theory assumes a lot about our ability to consciously feel. If it were true then why couldn't we just start feeling those feelings again? I mean, I know I want to not feel like an alien when other people are laughing and I can't feel the joy in my fake smile.

I still think the cause is actually organic and it's a matter of trusting the neuroplasticity of our brain to regrow those pathways painfully slowly over time.

I'm rambling now but, look at it from an evolutionary perspective, if your life is still in high instinctive drive, then what use to survival are things like joy/happiness? Toss in Mazlow's theory of hierchical needs and one can see that until our most basic needs of safety/security are truly met and we feel truly trusting in having those needs met, only then can the brain kick out of Survival Mode and allow things like joy or passion or deep fulfilling happiness. Maybe that is the key to the loving kindness meditation, restoring your trust in yourself to be able to take care of you and love yourself fully?

Those are my thoughts on it. (Long winded, I'm a writer). I've accepted it as another piece of the puzzle that I have to adjust my behavior around.

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you for your thoughts @Medic72, and they don't feel long winded at all to me. I do believe in brain plasticity, which is a very good thing or I'd be even more discouraged than I already am. It's an interesting point you bring up about singular vs. developmental trauma. I had a counselor a couple of years ago who suggested mindfulness meditation and asked me to try it for at least six weeks, saying that around that point I should start noticing a difference. I did, and around the six week mark had to stop because I was so disturbed by intrusive thoughts.

I'm looking this up just now, and found an interesting article:
http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/developmental-trauma-3/

It's about using rhythmic activities to regulate the nervous system, which is disturbed by developmental trauma. I'm going to tag @Chava here, wondering if she has looked at this theory. I'm open to anything but a little skeptical because years of playing musical instruments and lots of walking haven't affected my emotional state perceptibly, though.

Then I found another article that states that a patient with developmental trauma only became able to practice meditation after doing neurofeedback, and that after that it felt like she was on a "fast track." Then again, several years ago I did a bunch of closely spaced sessions of what I think was neurofeedback - they called it something else at the time but by description, I believe that is what it was. I felt better very briefly, and the treatment was expensive.

Toss in Mazlow's theory of hierchical needs and one can see that until our most basic needs of safety/security are truly met and we feel truly trusting in having those needs met, only then can the brain kick out of Survival Mode and allow things like joy or passion or deep fulfilling happiness.

Perhaps that is the answer, as you say. So maybe I am putting the cart before the horse here and need to keep working on attachment. That's next on my therapist's agenda for me, anyway. It's just that this horse is chomping at the bit here.

I really appreciate your thoughts, thank you.

 

[Chava]

Yes, the music bit makes sense. There are all kinds of good connections to happy neurotransmission and neuro-regulation.

I've had periods of feeling cut off from joy in all shades, when even music couldn't cut through. For me it is like numbing. I can feel stress and self-loathing...so I am not numb to everything, but certainly numb to good feelings like warmth, joy, connection, etc. I'd wonder about a dorsal vagal connection here. Shutdown.

What has probably helped me, aside from therapy and staying connected to at least one other person who can see that I am real and what I go through, has probably been tweaking low levels of medications. Gabapentin for pain, for example, has a mildly relaxing effect on me. The weird part is that this helps me experience a little more joy. So for me, the loss of joy is probably veiled by a level of stress that looks and feels like numbness. I can't do the positive feelings or connections because I'm on guard, or my body has the vague sense that it is in survival mode. Opiate pain meds, while sometimes necessary, increase disconnection for me. But gabapentin has the reverse effect in that it relaxes me but also helps me connect a bit. Aside from meds, I can fake myself out of this survival mode by moving or using sound or music.

I don't have access to neurofeedback. Meditation is tricky for me too. Focusing on my breathing creates anxiety and just going into that stillness becomes a negative void for me. But I can use sound, or sometimes a guided meditation (where I'm actually just focused on the speaker's voice). Sound and music help us connect to the present moment, and can also help connect us to our bodies too, so it's just a better route for me. Then if I can get out of a funk, silly music is good for feeling just a little something like joy. Big band music. Billie Holiday's voice. Happy dance music from the 80s. Joyful folk dance music from other cultures. whatever you like.

Basically, and it might just be this way for me, but it seems like connected to joy is not about finding joy and making it work, but about peeling away the sometimes subtle but sticky web around me that prevents me from feeling joy that is otherwise right there.

ETA: sorry if this was a jumbled post. I read the bit on your link but also tried to respond to the general issue of not feeling joy. Sidenote: sometimes I can do humor, and that's just as good...and a strong antidote to pain or suffering. So, whatever good feelings you can feel is great. I like hugging my dog. It's not joy, or humor, but it's maybe more like warmth and love...the bit I can get of it. But it's weird how I don't notice physical pain when hugging my dog.

 

[NarcSis]

Thanks for that link @sun seeker, that's essentially what I was trying to get at, so good to read it outlined so precisely.

I knew that developmental trauma interrupted the normal pattern of psychological growth and sense of safety in a person, so the goal is to go back and help the brain progress through those developmental stages again, properly this time with a foundation of safety.

@Chava made a good point about formal meditation practice feeling unsafe for DT sufferers. It felt unsafe for me at first but not for the same reasons and I persisted and eventually found that inner peace which helped me greatly.

It may sound corny and feel weird but Loving Kindness Meditation doesn't have to be quiet or still. The goal is to connect with that "inner you", the core of you if you will. You can do it sitting on the couch, simple things like tapping your foot and saying something like, "You are my foot, we are one, we are a whole loving and safe being." And then working your way around your body.

It gets tiring to hear, but nothing changes overnight with us, and it's okay to be frustrated. I feel your pain. I want my life to settle and to feel whole again. Just keep moving an inch forward every day and you'll get there. I believe you can. (Hugs)!

 

[Friday]

Love. Calm. Not much else. Nothing excited, blissful, passionate, any of that. Active happy-spectrum emotions I guess you could say. I don't feel any of them.

Drats. When you said you could feel everything except joy, that gave me an idea, but if it's really that you can't feel anything positive except love? (I'm counting calm as a neutral emotion). That's a much bigger issue at play.

I'm not sure if this is exactly emotional numbing, because I can feel other emotions. It's just joy...