"performance Anxiety" About Meeting Partner's Mom For The First Time

[MesaRock]

Just looking for some support - I am not at my best and I'm meeting the mom of my beloved partner (of 10 months) this weekend for the first time. The anxiety is really getting to me and triggering rejection and self esteem issues. She sounds lovely and compassionate but I have trouble even spending time with friends these days. I'm so scared.

 

[Friday]

How does your partner feel about their mom?

 

[The Albatross]

What can you do self care wise to turn away from anticipatory stress and shift yourself back to the present?

Perhaps you can go through a photo album or something with your partner and stories can be shared so that you feel a bit like you "know" the mother better? OR perhaps your partner will agree that your initial visit will be for a set amount of time and on arrival you can map out a safe spot to withdraw if need be to self calm (like a porch swing, or to take a walk in the yard or around the block, or even to have a "nap")?

 

[MesaRock]

My partner and his mom are very close. She has been immensely welcoming to me in their family even though I haven't met them. She talks to me on the phone sometimes and always says how much she loves how wonderful I am for her son, and that he's never been this happy... I'm just coming out of a divorce a year ago where my relationship with my former in-laws were quite difficult to put it mildly and I don't feel ready for this. I just love him so much, I want to make him proud.

I'm not at my best these days - I'm in the early stages of therapy and dealing with all this so my feelings are on the surface and I'm navigating huge anxiety anyway. Any kind of pressure to be around people and, say, not just start crying or whatever, is daunting.

 

[MesaRock]

We have a plan for the weekend - I am only having dinner with them on the first night, and then a visit to a museum in the morning and dinner in the evening on the second day. So it's manageable. I just tend to get very very anxious with this sort of thing, the anticipation as you say. He says when he was growing up she was the mom all his friends went to with their problems and vulnerabilities and that she's deeply compassionate.

I also am just extremely nervous to re-enter a new family after the dissolution of a 10 year marriage. I know I'm not ready for it yet emotionally........ But life moves on.

Today we are just cleaning the house (she's staying in a hotel) and tidying up for her. He is very compassionate too about my nervousness. We have known each other for two years and been together for 10 months, and the plan is to be life partners. it's extremely committed.

I just want her to like me and feel like I'm someone who belongs in the family. My self-esteem right now is so incredibly low. I feel crummy about myself, and I don't feel like I"m on my A game - it's obvious I"m not. I'm in the midst of all this PTSD mess and I want to be perfect and make a wonderful impression and that's not especially realistic right now.

 

[The Albatross]

I sometimes have to work hard to set my mind on the "reason" for the visit and why I am doing this... then give it preference over my "luggage" (old) thoughts and feelings.

 

[MesaRock]

I sometimes have to work hard to set my mind on the "reason" for the visit and why I am doing this....

GREAT!

REASON = starting a new life with someone I adore with fresh enthusiasm, confidence and courage.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. Forget "self esteem" and focus on your "worth"... your partner has never been happier... you received unsolicited validation for that.

Being aware of your low S.O. (self opinion)... is good though... as you can bear in mind that however things happen, you are filtering events through your flawed perception.

 

[The Albatross]

Pick your outfits... get your hair done or cut... give yourself a mani/pedi... take a long hot soak and douse yourself with a favorite scent... little stuff... like even new make up. Little foo foo stuff to boost your mood... things you do for you and then put your best foot forward bearing in mind that it is not unreasonable for you to want/need to take a break to refocus if things start to blur.

 

[The Albatross]

Leave the mental/emotional baggage at the door gal and with a little planning/strategizing, primping and self care it is good enough to know you are doing something uncomfortable for your partner who loves you because he wants you to meet his mother. Do stress reduction and know that all you can do is the best you can do, right?

 

[MesaRock]

P.S. Forget "self esteem" and focus on your "worth"... your partner has never been happier... you...

more good advice. It's strange - my partner is 12 years younger and has been through his own hell as a child and come out the other side through lots of years of therapy and hard work, same with his mother, who rebuilt her life after abuse when she was my age, and went through much of what I'm going through right now. They are both courageous, loving people. He's been my rock and the only person who has truly loved and accepted and supported me through thick and thin, all the PTSD triggered soon after we met and he's been there every single arduous step of the way with his own wisdom. I feel like a waste of space, and yet says that being with me has been the best, happiest, most transformative, wonderful thing that's ever happened to him.

his mom has written me to say that she will forever be grateful for bringing such happiness into his life.

I just don't SEE how I could possibly be good for anyone...I am so emotional right now, and I feel like I could be a million times better. The very low self-esteem and very low self-confidence I have right now makes gives me a big cognitive disconnect when people tell me that I make them happy, that I'm loving and kind, that I'm bringing them joy.

this cognitive disconnect is making me FEEL like she's going to dislike me for all my flaws, when my RATIONAL mind says she's already gone out of her way to say that if anything, she is grateful to me for giving him so much love and acceptance and happiness and fulfillment. why is my thinking so...convoluted and perverse?

I'm sorry to be needy. I just don't want to dump all these insecurities on my partner, even though we've talked through this he doesn't need to hear that I feel like a worthless etcetera. I need to locate my strength, and my confidence, and my spiritual values that perfection is not necessary -

 

[The Albatross]

The convoluted thinking is cuz you're weighting the anticipated experience with your own stuff, your history/past, your therapy even. You are playing old tapes and it's driving the anxiety. Lay it down gal and muscle that brain of yours into problem solving and resolving to put your best foot forward and let the chips (should any appear) fall where they may. You might surprise yourself and actually have a good time.