"you'll Be Fine"

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Why does everyone keep saying they know I will be just fine? That I will make it through this? That I will be okay?

Right now I hate my life. I feel like I am just making a mess of everything and I don't feel fine and I certainly don't feel like my life is going to be just fine.

My kids came home today and they were loud and running around and getting hurt and fighting...you know kid things. But I can't handle kid things and I was not adequately prepared for them mentally to be home and loud and all of that. I was actually having my daily check-in with a crisis worker when they came home.

I ended up switching (I have dissociative identity disorder) and "running away" from home. My cell phone didn't work because we just switched companies and I have a phone I have no idea how to work. So I ended up at the crisis center instead. And while I was bawling my eyes out, she said I could go home and that she knew I would be fine. She wasn't trying to be unkind or insensitive, I truly believe she felt that way.

But I hate it. I hate that I am lost in a land where no one understands me. No one can help me. And I just have to be the good girl who goes home, takes meds (as prescribed), and go to sleep because somehow magically tomorrow will be better. And if not, don't worry we'll just take it one day at a time!

I wish I could be as optimistic as other people are about my life. I wish that I somehow knew the suicidal part and self-harm impulses weren't going to take over. I wish I knew that everything will work out fine because right now I am so confused and hopeless feeling about it all I feel none of that optimism. Not even a little.

 

[The Albatross]

What do you want people to tell you?

 

[The Albatross]

Maybe you just want/need someone to listen? Sometimes I want that but it is at best a 50/50 proposition.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I want someone to listen, but also to be able to help guide me through the difficult times. My therapist can sometimes do that, but she's not available all the time (nor do I expect her to). I just got back from a 3 month inpatient stay and transitioning away from that kind of support is not working so well. I know that in theory it will take time, but I also know right now I just want people to realize that I am in need of help- more than just telling me everything will be fine. Helping me work through the thoughts or work through skills with me, but I keep getting the same responses of take your meds, go to bed, you'll be fine.

 

[The Albatross]

That's what by phone peers can provide. How is your peer support system?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

That's what by phone peers can provide. How is your peer support system?

Peers? As in people who know what it's like to have PTSD and DID and all that? Pretty low. Peers as in just people I talk to? Also, pretty low. My husband tries, but there's only so much he can do not knowing how to help in times like this. When I am in less of a crisis mode, but still struggling he is a great support.

 

[Stickler]

DID is pretty confusing to a lot of people.

Dunno how old your kids are, but do you think that there could be rules against running, shouting, and roughhousing inside? As in that needs to be outside play. They may be too young to handle that, but they get themselves off the bus? So they will mess up, yes, but they can be expected to get used to not running, shouting, and roughhousing inside.

Along with this...noise-canceling headphones run about $50. Between the two you can lower your sensory input.

I suspect anti-anxiety meds would help, too.

...We're trying to learn how to work as a team in here, so we all get things done, you know? Instead of working against each other.

 

[Ronin]

Bit opposite camp here, but I'd say people without the same disorders can very much provide support, even if not from the same place of understanding - but from the place of caring? Compassion? Wishing to be a companion even in bad times of life? They can & will do if you let them through that shell. If they're caring people who very much mean well for you, it can be more than knowing how exactly you function, as per your associated issues.

It's not necessarily optimism about your life; it's saying, Buddy I've got you and you've got this. It's faith in you.

So... what keeps you from considering that faith as something real, and something you deserve?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Stickler -
My kids are 3 and 6 and my husband brings them home. We have rules. It's just hard when my husband is trying to cook dinner and parent when they are all tired. And I was too triggered to be of any use.

I do have anti-anxiety meds.- sometimes they help, sometimes the don't and sometimes I forget that they are an option.

...We're trying to learn how to work as a team in here, so we all get things done, you know? Instead of working against each other.

I am not sure if you mean you have DID and are working as a team inside or if this forum is working as a team. In the case of my having DID, my parts and I have been working really hard to work as a team and to communicate, but sometimes it's hard like other challenges other people have. And if you mean the forum, I like to come on here to get other people's perspectives and thoughts and sometimes, like last night, just to be heard by people who know how hard life can be sometimes.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Bit opposite camp here, but I'd say people without the same disorders can very much provide support, even...

I agree with that very much. Although sometimes when my internal world gets out of hand, since it's still fairly new to be working as a system, it's hard for me to figure it out on my own. And in the end last night, it was a chance conversation with a friend from afar talking about silly and regular life things that helped keep me from completely going over the edge. A friend without PTSD or DID so I am not against other support, it's just hard to find.

It's not necessarily optimism about your life; it's saying, Buddy I've got you and you've got this. It's faith in you.

So... what keeps you from considering that faith as something real, and something you deserve?

I would rather someone say "I know it's hard right now, I hope you find your way through so that everything will be better. I am rooting for you." And while that might be the message people are trying to send, it's not coming across that way. It's coming across as if they know everything will be fine and sometimes as if they are just convincing themselves so they can send me on my way

Occasionally, I do have that belief that somehow things will get better. They already have gotten better, they're just still hard and that gets frustrating and overwhelming. I know that many people on this forum can relate to that feeling so that's why I came here when I felt no one else could relate.

What keeps me from believing that I deserve things to be okay a lot of time is the lessons life has taught me- things won't be okay. It's what I am trying to counteract, but sometimes I stumble and fall down deep dark holes along the way.

 

[scout86]

Why does everyone keep saying they know I will be just fine?

That might actually have a place in Ms Spock's cognitive distortion thread! (Who knew "normal people" did that too?) Obviously, none of us "knows" what's going to happen. We just wish we did. And, "you being fine" is what they're hoping and wishing. They don't know what else to say and are probably afraid of saying anything less black and white because they don't want to scare you with the possibility that you WON'T be fine. A possibility you are well aware of and they (strangely?) seem not to have noticed you're well aware of?

I guess they say it because it's the best thing they can come up with at the time. I'm thinking that, "Hey kids, let's go outside and shoot some baskets while your dad makes supper and your mom takes a break." would be more useful. (Do you know anyone who lives alone, likes both kids and your husbands cooking, and could come over after school and entertain the kids for an hour or so?)

 

[Ronin]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve, is there anything specific with PTSD & D.I.D. you're struggling with now?

That might fit into the structural dissociation thread of Shimmerz, too. >___> (Just asking, since the way this thread reads to me so far is a venting about not seeing options, and I'm still waiting on what's the deeper issue (what's the block in the road? let's move it :D), in case the venting wasn't the end goal?, if that makes sense. So just saying if there's anything more specific causing trouble that someone may be able to help with I'm all ears.)