Relationship Being Dumped.....

[Sighs]

Oh honey! He's not breaking up with you because of your little annoying habits. All humans have those. I have sinus problems and my vet says I sound like a boar pig when I eat - yeah - really romantic and the kind of image a lady wants to convey! You and all your annoying / human habits are not the issue here.

My vet is TPI through DVA so work is not an issue for us. There is no way he could cope with the stress of work. Merely being told he needs to think about working again is probably enough to overwhelm your guy. Also, our kids are grown up and we don't plan to have any together so we've never seriously talked marriage. But my vet was married for 24 years so commitment is not a problem for him.

I can understand why his sister felt all she could say was a polite "all the best". She is probably making sure she stays well out of it as her brother would not appreciate her becoming involved. Same with his dad - he's going to try and support his son even if he thinks his son is throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him.

This really honestly is all about him, not you. Sadly, you are collateral damage. Remember, this too shall pass. Hugs!

 

[Wastinglight]

He's not breaking up with you because of your little annoying habits

Yeah I know. It still stings to hear him peddle out that excuse as if it's actually something significant.

My vet is TPI through DVA so work is not an issue for us. There is no way he could cope with the stress of work.

To be honest, from everything I know about him, I don't think my guy will be able to cope with work - and right up until this week (when he suddenly needed to use it as yet another excuse to illustrate how I was stopping him from getting better - yes, he said that), HE himself not only believed he was still unfit for work, he didn't believe that it was a problem because there are no Defence jobs in our local area that he would be suitable for. DVA is only suggesting part-time work, but still - if he can't cope with spending 3-4 hours a day with me (who always tries to treat with him great care, and whom he loves, or at least, did love until 2 days ago), then he totally won't be able to cope with spending any amount of time with a bunch of strangers who won't bend to his every demand and will actually expect him to do something with his time!

He is now telling me that he thinks he is looking forward to going back to work, but once I leave and he works out that the problem mostly lies with him, I wonder if that will evaporate.

But my vet was married for 24 years so commitment is not a problem for him.

Yes, that's pretty committed. 15 months is apparently the most I my guy can handle! This the longest relationship he's ever had.

he's going to try and support his son even if he thinks his son is throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him.

Thank you - I needed to hear that. Because right now, I feel like everyone thinks I'm the Wicked Witch who set their poor son/brother/friend/patient back 12 months in his recovery! It's also possible that his dad has said the same thing to him, as my parents will say to me (when I get around to telling them about the break-up), which is:

"Right, well, now you need to get your life in order. It's well past time you <insert long list of practical life goals that they they've nagging you about since you were an adult>." If I know my guy, he will have said "yes, sir" to every one of these requests, but once his agreeability has served it's purpose (ie. once I'm out of the picture, with their support) and he remembers that the reason he has not achieved these goals already is because it triggers his PTSD big time, he may well go even further downhill. I hope not, because I really do wish him all the best, but I think it's a distinct possibly.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My heart goes out to you and I so admire you for getting out with your friends for a break I hope that you will be able to find a new home for yourself that you can begin to heal and to recover in.

You have done all that you can do your very best and it is not your fault in any way. The fault lies with him. I think that his family is being cruel to you and I understand when this happens to me how lost I feel and so alone and hated. It stings very much.

I wish for you a new beginning that will be so good for you. I am so sorry this is going on in your life. Many hugs.

 

[Livy's Mom]

reasons he was breaking up with me was all the "little annoying things" that I did that pissed him off.

@Wastinglight your "little annoying things" are NOT the reason as you well know.

I was once given this list in no certain order "you don't sweep enough", "you always have that look" and my personal favorite "you always leave the used Splenda packets on the counter"

I assume at the time these things all seemed perfectly logical reasons to end a long term relationship but I can't help but giggle at them.

After we reconciled that particular time, I put a bunch of Splenda packets in his winter hat and when he got to work they all fell out. He was amused because when his mind was clear he too could see how silly it was.

I can't say whether your relationship will survive but I do know from my own experience that IF it is what you truly want then you need to walk away.

Walk away and LIVE. I've walked away and sat in sorrow many times. It doesn't change the speed of the outcome. It just hurts.

I have also walked away and lived my life and it's the only way to go.

Rejection in this way is horrible, I know because it's exactly what my vet does to me and is doing right now. No matter how much knowledge you gain on the illness the logical brain can not take the pain away. I'm so sorry you have to feel that pain.

I wish you well and if there is anything you want to talk about I'm here. I've only got about 5 years in the roller coaster but It doesn't take long to learn some hard lessons and I have been exactly where you are more times than I can count.

 

[Peach]

There's no shame in being desperate and trying to convince him to change his mind or the long hours spent in the bathroom at work crying your eyes out when it didn't work. Been there, done that!

I also understand not telling your parents the news yet. My mom immediately started in on bad mouthing him, trying to reason with me and encourage me that I was better off without him. It was not what I wanted or needed to hear at that moment, all it did was make me want to defend him. Unfortunately, sometimes people don't know how to help in this situation, so their attempts fall waaaay short.

The sister's response does suck, I'm sure she feels very torn and doesn't know what the hell to do.

Annoying habits...yep! We all have them! Tater burps - a lot. He says it's a side effect of one of his medications. I think it's kinda gross so we inadvertantly made up this stupid game of it in order for me to loosen up about it instead of letting it get on my nerves. And if I (or anyone) teases him too much about a story he's telling, he'll eventually give up and REFUSE to finish it. Just freaking finish the story! Oh! Here's one, he points at stuff for me to look at without giving any additional information, so I'll make a comment about whatever I see or just ask what I'm supposed to be looking at, and then he gets frustrated. Ooooo-kay...LOL I'm perfect, of course, not annoying at all..... :p

@Sighs , that was so nice of your boss to take you to get a drink and comissurate. You really can't be there for someone going through a breakup until you've been through it yourself.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

:hug: @Wastinglight

Not much more I can add; you know the excuses, you know the issues.

You also know that you do actually deserve better than the way he is treating you right now.

And he is not going to improve whilst he can still use you as an excuse for all of his problems.

Always remember that you are strong, and loved, and there is always hope - these things just sometimes manifest themselves in unexpected ways.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Wastinglight ... You have every right to grieve and mourn your relationship anyway you need to. You seem to have a healthier attitude than I would be having... Right about now, I'd be alternating between sobbing and burning all his shit... Well, maybe fantasizing about burning all his shit at least, but I'd smile while I was thinking of it.

I think about what I'd do if my vet ended it with me, because I know with the stress issues of a relationship combined with PTSD, that is a very real possibility. I think if there is one positive thing that comes out of being in relationships like ours, it's that we as supporters get a lesson in patience, communication, and what really matters in a relationship. A "normal" relationship would be a breeze after this!

:hug: (((Hugs)))

 

[Wastinglight]

Well, you gotta love uncomfortable conversations at 4am! We were both awake, so I thought I may as well hit him with the "I don't think it's a good idea to make drastic life decisions when you are feeling overloaded and stressed" argument, and the "Once I'm gone, it's very likely I will not want to try again, so if there's any doubt in your mind, you better speak up before I go" argument. I told him how much I loved him, but I also made it clear that I absolutely will walk away from him for good. It all fell on deaf ears, of course. I felt like I needed to say it, but it's made me feel a lot worse. The more I tried to reason with him, the harder he clung to his decision. But I already knew that would be the case.

Maybe I'm wrong about all of this. Maybe he is being very clear-headed and has just decided to cut his losses. And yes, ultimately I will have to leave, even if I think he is making the wrong decision. But there are too many red flags about this situation for me to believe him when he says he really has changed his mind about everything overnight. But it doesn't matter what I think...

 

[JM318]

...even though I gave the relationship everything I had, and am still prepared to try, if only he w...

His father is probably saying that because its best for his son, he is looking out for his interest. Maybe give him some time and space. (harder said than done, I am going through it right now)

 

[Livy's Mom]

I've made that "last" stab at talking it out and reasoning with my guy as well and walked away feeling even worse.

I don't think we ever get to a place where we feel there isn't SOMETHING we can say to make them see or something we can do that will snap them right out of it.

Just today I was going through what I call "my mind movies" where in today's movie I will see him Sunday as planned for him to see his daughter, and I'll look great, and I'll be so calm and casual and that will show him how well I'm doing on my own.... And when the opportunity presents itself I will reassure him that I still love him. In scene 2 he leaves and I'm not even sad because after how I looked and how wonderful I presented myself he will OBVIOUSLY be thinking about what I said and start the process of coming to his senses.... And so on...

I mean, I can create and obsess over these scenarios for hours and really bring myself to believe that the movie is going to play out just like that in real life. Many many times I believed it so much I actually tried to go through with them.

It NEVER plays out how we convince ourselves it's going to. EVER.

What will likely actually happen would be I would charge confidently into scene one and he would be as cold, resistant and sure of his decisions as he ever was. He leaves and I am left embarrassed, hurt and starting back at the beginning of the cycle.

I learned that it's ok to let those movies play out in my mind but just to let them come and go. I don't allow myself to act on them. Not anymore.

It's hard to not act but doing nothing IS the strongest action you can take right now.

Sending hugs

 

[Wastinglight]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through something similar @Livy's Mom and @JM318. I too am a subscriber to "mind movies".

So when I got back from my morning walk, I hit him with the You-will-have-to-stop-pushing-people-away-eventually-otherwise-one-day-you-will-wake-up-and-realise-you've-become-a-sad-lonely-old-man speech (cos that sh*t always works in the movies!). I said it with as much kindness and compassion as I could, and he listened but didn't cry this time. I hope I haven't pushed him over the edge. I really do have to keep my mouth shut from now on.

I know nothing I say will save the relationship, and I know I will be okay, in time, but I worry about him. He was curled up in a ball on the couch when I left and he ignored me when I say goodbye. There's a chance that all my stuff will be lying out on the front lawn when I come home tonight, but oh well. Sometimes the truth is hard to hear.

FRIDAY POSITIVE - I am so lucky to have some wonderful girlfriends who have all rallied around me and are being supportive and just all-round awesome during this difficult time. I'm meeting up with them after work for wine and a debriefing.

Hope you all have a great day - hang in there!

 

[rasasas]

Hi, do you check this thread anymore? Can you please tell me how you're doing now?? Am right in the middle of going through something very similar to your experience and it all feels so hopeless that it will ever get better. So many of the things you are saying or have done are exactly what I've said over the past 2 weeks. Will I ever get over him?