Don't Want To Die But Don't Know How To Live

[Chava]

Does that sound f*cking cliché or what? But I mean it, seriously...and humbled I can barely stand it. I feel like there is a recently-developed undertone of wanting to care for myself, but unfortunately I had to give up one of my roles which defined me, and for better or for worse...I needed my roles. I don't know where I fit. I never learned how to feel life as meaningful or secure (or any of that good stuff) through connections to others.

Honestly, sometimes I can't even tell if my therapeutic goals are to work more on connections to others or to just accept my little bubble world with more peace and grace. I f*cking do not know....

I don't want to get into details of roles, losses, identity, or whatnot (though feel free to share if it fits), but mainly...I am really torn in this sort of warp zone of wanting to live but finding myself sometimes destroying myself in bits, because I do not know how to live. Or I cannot tolerate it. I realize my therapist has limits too, and completely respect her, but am totally humiliated to consider the amount of support I feel like I need right now.

 

[Chava]

p.s. also feel like I will die soon. I know part of that feeling is trauma f*ck-up feeling. But I can't get away from it. I can't sustain meaningful resources or connection to the world. For a while I had it. But now I feel like I'm f*cked and don't at all have what it takes. Just keep breathing and eating????

 

[Ellabella44]

Hugs chava, be gentle on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. Unfortunately some days are like this, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, then one day.

Time makes a difference in how you can cope. Sorry depression has its claws deep in you. Take care of yourself, you are worth fighting that off for.

And yes I'd say that to myself on a bad day. Whatever made you this way doesn't deserve to win as much as you deserve to love yourself and beat it.

 

[oasis2003]

Take care @Chava like @Ellabella44 says one minute, then one hour, then one day..... That horrible empty hopeless feeling will pass. Lots of self care for you !!!!! May you be safe from harm.

 

[Chava]

Super rough night last night...ended up in ER. But talked to my therapist this morning and, despite total exhaustion, did take some actions to get some more support and structure in place for now. Not sure this even relates to my post, but feeling less super f*cking lost today. Yesterday was hell.

 

[Ellabella44]

Do you have a pet chava? If not, they help alot when you don't feel you can trust people for support. My animals give me an anchor to keep me here when family alone isn't enough or tolerable at the time.

 

[Chava]

Yes @Ellabella44 ...and it seems like I've gotten better at actually connecting with them when in pain somehow, vs isolating even from them (at least they are friends too so they aren't all alone when I've been less present)...I do love them and feel so grateful for their consistent warmth and love.

 

[MariaTPhD]

Does that sound f*cking cliché or what? But I mean it, seriously...and humbled I can barely stand it. I f...

Maybe it is time to ask yourself, "What does Life expect from me?" You are here for a reason. You are not a mistake. The trick is to discover what Life expects from you. If you do not know, go to a quiet corner of the world and just BE. Sometimes people who are most depressed are simply able to contemplate and do not know it. Instead of looking at roles, goals or expectations of others, look at your gifts that are absolutely present (even being sad all the time is a gift for being sensitive and empathetic towards others) then look at what the universe (or God, or Destiny...whatever works for you) expects from you. Those expectations and hopes don't change because of trauma. They don't even change because we make mistakes. Find your meaning in life. If you don't know what it is, you need to spend time with nature, thinking about you and how you are a gift to the rest of the world. Think about all the nice things that have ever been said to you and see if you find a pattern. Your gifts will surface once you think this way. Then, consider your contributions as being vital to the rest of the world. Don't buy into the lie that you are unnecessary. That is illogical. You would not BE if you were unnecessary!