Relationship Name Calling

[Sighs]

So... I know I'm not perfect and no doubt I've done and said things that hurt my vet, but I've never intentionally pushed his buttons.

Yesterday was a shitty day for him, but guess what? I had a shitty day at work and wasn't in the best mood when I got home. I was helping him with something and - as usual - he got terse with me when I didn't respond perfectly and instantly to his commands. I did my best to ignore it because I know when he is focused on a mission nothing else matters.

A short while later I said something inconsequential and he gave a snarky reply and I bristled up a little in response. He then called me the one name guaranteed to upset me.

The first time he called me that name I was very upset and told him that it was a big issue for me and asked him never to call me that again. He agreed. The second time he called me that name I went ballistic, packed up some of my stuff and told him if he had so little respect for me then I was done. He apologised profusely and promised never to do it again.

And so we get to last night when it was just thrown out in casual conversation like it was nothing.

I just stood there. I was so shocked. I didn't raise it last night. We both acted like nothing happened. This morning I asked him whether he loves me. He said he did. I asked him what he means by that. He said that he thinks of me all the time and that he feels fondly about me. (WTF? So much for being the love of his life? Fondly? Really?) I told him that he said something the night before that made me feel like he didn't care about me at all. He knew exactly what I was talking about and said "Sorry. That's not how I feel."

I then went to work. Sent him the usual text to say I got here safely. No reply. Radio f*cking silence.

Now I feel like he's punishing me for bringing it up. And I feel guilty for making him feel bad.

To me the issue is not whether I am over-reacting to a word. The issue is that I have made it really really clear to him how I feel about being called this name. And apparently he couldn't give a f*ck. Or worse - he knew it was guaranteed to upset me and he did it deliberately.

Sigh f*cking sigh! I just feel so worthless and empty right now.

 

[scout86]

To me the issue is not whether I am over-reacting to a word.

Doesn't matter what the word is, I deeply believe we all get to have some things that are off limits. Including words. There's a thing or two I couldn't handle being called too. It bothers me that he can be so cavalier about this. Sounds to me like he's got a few things of his own that he considers to be over some kind of line. He does, right? And, if he expects you to respect his limits, it's only fair that he respect yours!

And apparently he couldn't give a f*ck. Or worse - he knew it was guaranteed to upset me and he did it deliberately.

Either of those would be bad & I hope neither one is accurate!

I just feel so worthless and empty right now.

Well, you're NOT! And his attitude doesn't determine your worth, right?

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

So... I know I'm not perfect and no doubt I've done and said things that hurt my vet, but I've never inte...

I know this might sound crazy - but for me, I have found that I cannot always make others change as much as they ought to - I can only work on myself - I find if I can give myself some compassion around things that happen - that helps me be able to be calm and use my wisdom to deal with those in my life that are doing things that I have trouble dealing with. When I have been in situations like yours, I found what helped me was to explore the triggers that trigger me - like being called names that hurt - once I can answer that for myself, I can let go of the negative emotional attachment that arises when someone says something hurtful to me - and next time it happens, I don't suffer and I can then more easily and logically deal with what is going on with the other person who called me that name without there being so much intense emotion surrounding the situation -

Hoping things get worked out between you two -

Namaste - Laurie

 

[Sighs]

And his attitude doesn't determine your worth, right?

I need to hold onto this.

 

[Sighs]

explore the triggers

I understand the trigger really really well. Which is why I explained to him the first time that it was something that upsets me out of all proportion to his intentions and asked him never to do it again.

 

[scout86]

I found what helped me was to explore the triggers that trigger me - like being called names that hurt - once I can answer that for myself, I can let go of the negative emotional attachment

I guess I can see that.........to a point. The thing is words hurt. They really and legitimately do. And serious, long term, voluntary relationships ought to come with, and out of, some level of respect. If they don't, there's a problem. At least it seems that way to me. You can make excuses for someone, or explain their behavior away all you want. That won't inspire a change.

he got terse with me when I didn't respond perfectly and instantly to his commands. I did my best to ignore it because I know when he is focused on a mission nothing else matters.

That little deal there has been bothering me. "Here's the thing Dude, this is NOT THAT KIND OF MISSION!" I get where he's coming from with that, really I do. But part of dealing with this condition is learning the whole "That was then/this is now" thing. I know that someone sneaking up on me and touching my arm to get my attention is probably not going to hurt me too. Does that mean I never swing at them? Sadly, no, it doesn't mean that yet. It DOES mean that I try not to hit them and I offer some sort of sincere apology when it happens. Because it's not THEIR fault. It's, technically not my fault either, I guess, but I see it as my responsibility.

I once worked for a guy who was pretty bossy and a little mean. He snapped at "the help" all the time and often left us feeling like we didn't have to open the door to leave the room because we'd fit underneath it. One day his wife came out to tell him he had a phone call. He said something to her like he'd say to us. She was already on her way back to the house. Stopped, spun around, glared at him and said, "Hey! I'm NOT you help and you will not talk to ME like that!". She stalked off and he nearly ran to catch up with her. From his manner, I'm guessing they'd had this conversation before and he was sorry he'd forgotten himself. Respect! It's all about "respect".

Everyone has a bad day. We all make mistakes. It's what happens after that that counts. But I still don't think PTSD is a free pass to be a jerk. (Although I've been wondering what all I've done in relationships that drove partners nuts! But, if they'd said something, then I'd know,)

 

[Sweetpea76]

I don't think setting a boundary about name calling is too much. It's a childish tactic to use in an argument, and having a little snit about being called out for it is childish too.

You're not alone with this. I go ballistic with name calling. My ex used to call me horrid names. My vet has been warned in no uncertain terms it is a no-go with me. I can forgive some lashing out behaviors, but I don't care how many head injuries he has, or if he's been shot. You learn not to call names in kindergarten.

:hug: @Sighs you're not worthless.

 

[Sighs]

"Here's the thing Dude, this is NOT THAT KIND OF MISSION!"

We're working on this one! Lol

I don't even think this one is PTSD related. This one is military institutionalisation related! He was an infantry soldier for 25 years and for over 20 of those he had men under his command. Every mission was that kind of mission to him - whether it was tug-of-war in the gym or 90 plus days outside the wire in country. He's only been out a few years and he was forced to retire on military grounds - so its not like he wanted out.

Believe it or not he HAS toned it down. We've gone from (top volume) "Listen up c*nt - get the f*cking end of that thing here asap - MOVE NOW!" to "Get the end of that thing here asap!" at a middling volume range. I doubt we'll ever get to "sweetheart please pass me the end of that thing" but hey - its improving! ;)

 

[Purplemunchkin]

And I feel guilty for making him feel bad.

Well you can stop that nonsense! Does he feel guilty for making you feel bad?

I didn't raise it last night. We both acted like nothing happened.

Although maybe he thought it wasn't such a big deal as, despite your reactions previously, you acted like it wasn't.

Honestly, the best trick I have is walking away. If he does/says something that he knows will upset me, and he does it on purpose, I leave the room. And I will not engage with him again until he either apologises or at least initiates a conversation in an attempt to explain that he didn't mean to hurt me.

Any other reaction I have to unacceptable behaviour has tended to escalate things and made everything a whole lot worse.

 

[scout86]

I don't even think this one is PTSD related.

I don't know either.

My ex-husband (who was Vietnam era draftee) used to try to use that approach with me once in awhile. It never went well. (Because I responded in kind.) It was actually a deal like that that led to our divorce. He started in and I can remember looking at him from across the room thinking, "I'm not going down this road 'one more time'." And I didn't. Took him a few days to realize I was serious. (One of my friends said later, "If he didn't know you well enough to know you were serious, he didn't know you very well." And he didn't. But that's another story.

I'm thinking, in your case, it's part "habit" and part, the more stressed he feels the more important it is that things go "right", which means that "part" of him takes over to run things. And THAT might be a PTSD thing.

I STILL think you have an amazing attitude!

 

[void]

We're working on this one! Lol

I don't even think this one is PTSD related. This one is military instit...

Improving is NOT enough...(at least in my books)
You take a lot of abuse, head games, power plays, and controlling behaviors by the sounds of things.

You deserve ZERO of this bullsh*t. I think you put up with far too much.

Do you know that there are women that are NEVER EVER treated this way?!?!?
Not even ONCE!

I think you are just used to being abused and so accept his deal-breaking behavior as 'just the way relationships are'....but they are not.

He should be your 'soft place to fall' in life....kind, gentle, loving, fair, consistent, generous of spirit, and so on.

Upgrade your expectations of how you deserve to be treated.

You have great value.

Anyone who can't see that...doesn't deserve you.:hug:

 

[void]

@Sighs
oops i forgot to tag this so you know i responded