I'm really sorry to hear this Jnean. Glad you were able to share. It's not easy to have memories coming up of people we love. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty for thinking such awful things about my dad. Starting to realise I'm not the guilty one. Sending you a hug if you accept them and wishing you well if not.
thank you, I am blessed so far with not feeling guilty only saddened. I too am talking about my dad. He lives in my town. Calls me every week. I've always kept my relationship with him very 'on my terms', not a coincidence I guess.
Ugh! That must be so difficult to deal with. I am truly sorry. Thanks for sharing.
I can really relate to your comment about visiting with your parents. I actually had to move back in with them after my divorce, when I was in my twenties. I also forgot all my past and what had happened to me.
You have an interesting idea about what memories get stored. I have pictures of random things from each of my "demons". They are odd things...like I remember the dust that was under her bed. The closet stuffed with her clothes. I remember the square light fixture in my bedroom. (As you can guess, I have no square fixtures in my present home.) I also understand why I hate the color yellow. (childhood bedroom walls and curtains)
Wow Muse I really loved your post. It was really helpful. I like the idea that the memories are close to the traumatic ones. I know these memories are different from others somehow and I know they are linked to the trauma. Your theory makes complete sense. My working memory is also appealing like you described. And your advice about loving myself was spot on too. I first began to realise what had happened to me after accepting the child part of me and telling her I was listening after hating her for a long time. She suddenly trusted me enough to give me that knowledge. So you're right, I need to continue to live all the other child parts too. I really appreciate your post. Thanks so much.
Thanks Katz. It's nice in a strange way to know I'm not alone. I completely relate to what you were saying. How awful to have to live with them again!
I look back now, after all the years of learning about dysfunctional families and can see all the "odd" things that were going on when I moved back home. For example, he was using me as a surrogate wife. He would want to go to the movies with me and watch t.v. shows with me. And work in the yard with me. All instead of my mom--who was there all the time. I know that their marriage was not perfect, but I didn't realize just how bad it was till years later, after I can look back.
It's amazing how the mind can protect us by dissociating isn't it? I thought till recently I had a fantastic childhood. I can't believe I thought that now. Even before I remembered the abuse my mum didn't bond with me as a baby and I wasn't wanted. I was locked in a cupboard because I cried so much. (I was told this in a jokey way- you were such an awful baby I locked you in the cupboard and went to your aunties next door but one. It was that or kill you.) Plus my parents were so violent and argumentative with each other there were holes in the doors and walls from where my dad had punched them and they'd thrown things at each other. Yet I would have told you I had a fantastic childhood! I completely normalised it all.
