Isolation - What To Do?

[Redhead75]

Hello there. My boyfriend of a year and a-half is currently isolating. Has been since February, when he moved out of our home, and out of state for a job transfer. Since then, his life has taken a turn. He's lost a lot, burned a lot in his life, and may be starting to feel the effects of his two divorces and a multitude of issues surrounding his frequent disappearing.

That being said, he's never lost touch with me. He's chosen to keep our conversation down to email, and has only provided his changed phone number to immediate family, for obvious reasons. He doesn't want to be discussed, and knows that I have fairly regular contact with his family. I've agreed to not discuss him with his family, and he's never asked me to stop communicating with them.

Through this isolation process going on 9 months now, he's continued to respond as he could stand to have conversation, and has appreciated the pictures and humor as he can. Typically every few days. The longest time he's not been in contact was three weeks. But then he was back on par, saying, "Hey baby girl, how are you?"

He's stated that I'm his "beacon, and if I move or change who I am" he'll "lose sight." He's also stated that we will be together again, soon.

About two weeks ago, he called and either did not block his number, or accidentally did not block it. He said he was knuckling down for the winter, shutting down his email (it's true, he has - all of them), and focusing on lost time with his son, and getting his mind straight. This is good progress for him, rather than running into the next dopamine charged experience.

However, before calling me, he'd sent a very vague, slightly troubling email to let me know his intention to focus, and focus on being a dad. He said, "do not bug my family about me please", and ended it with, "I will see you on the flip side". I contacted his father to say that I needed his number asap. His father and I have an understanding that I will contact him if I feel his son is going too dark, so to speak. He called his son, which prompted the call to me. Sigh... I did the thing I said I wouldn't. He wasn't happy, and I apologized for doing precisely what he'd asked me not to do, but also said that his email was alarming.

He knows that I'm suffering financially due to his running - I finally told him what was happening recently, and then let the subject drop when he stated that he "didn't know what to do, and that he's not doing good for anyone", but wanted to know "when is rent due, when is the car payment due."

He knows I miss him terribly, and that I love his child. I've offered my heart completely, and stated that I am fully in support that he finally be afforded this time to heal his relationship with his son, and to focus his brainpan up in the mountains. The last thing he said to me on the phone is that he loves me. He said this adamantly. He wants me to keep working hard, as he is through the winter, and has never said that he's not coming. He's acknowledged the unconditional love I have for him all this time, appreciates that I'm waiting (although has never expressed the expectation), and apologized for the damage he's perceiving he's caused. He's never asked me to stop, or to move on. He also says that while he's thinking a lot about the decisions he's made which have affected so many people, he knows he doesn't have to worry profoundly about me, because I'm strong. I do take this to heart, coming from him. No, it's not the answer I'm looking for, but from his perspective, he's essentially saying that I'm not just yet another issue to pile on top of it all.

My question after all that background is directed toward those who have combat related ptsd/tbi. I'm wondering what you'd prefer in this situation? It may very well feel like an intrusion if I text or call his (hidden) number, just to check in once to offer humor, light hearted support, if he indeed did not intend to unmask his number. He may not realize he's left that open door, as he stated in that most recent call to me, "I'll call you as much as possible. Keep your head up."

Direct advice from veterans appreciated immensely.

 

[shimmerz]

Trust is very important to all of us (PTSD'ers). So is setting boundaries. That is all. Do with that what you will.

 

[Redhead75]

Trust is very important to all of us (PTSD'ers). So is setting boundaries. That is all. Do with that...

I will take that as an opportunity to follow my instinct, and not contact him. If he accidentally didn't mask his number while he's making damn sure he's off the grid, he should be able to trust that I won't hunt him down. I have a feeling this would be the unfortunate perception at this present moment. He'll resurface, just not before he's ready or capable. Today, I believe that. Tomorrow, I may have to hide my phone from myself! Thank you for your insight!

 

[Friday]

My question after all that background is directed toward those who have combat related PTSD/tbi. I'm wondering what you'd prefer in this situation? It may very well feel like an intrusion if I text or call his (hidden) number, just to check in once to offer humor, light hearted support, if he indeed did not intend to unmask his number. He may not realize he's left that open door, as he stated in that most recent call to me, "I'll call you as much as possible. Keep your head up."

I'd be pissed as hell to be surprised that way. Ambush, betrayal, breaking longstanding agreements without even bothering to touch base or show me any kind of respect... I would (and have) hit the roof over shit like this.

If someone wants to do something like that? Either ask me directly, or don't do it.

If someone needs something like this / our long standing agreements are no longer working for both of us? And they don't tell me? It's almost as bad. When all it takes is a 'Yo. This isn't working for me, anymore/ right now/ etc. I really need ABC at a min, but would like XYZ. Can you do that or something close? Can we work this?'

Shrug. The above is just me. All vets are different.

 

[Gadgie]

I've been totally isolated for eleven months now, I don't have any communication with anyone, my phone never rings.

I can go for days without meeting anyone, let alone speak to another person.

Will I ever get used to it? As some days I feel like I am coping with it, and indeed can feel quite content, yet other days I feel like I'm losing it and going mad! Is there a future with being like this?

 

[Redhead75]

I'd be pissed as hell to be surprised that way. Ambush, betrayal, breaking longstanding agreements w...

Definitely not something I want to set him up for, feeling ambushed. If he's gone to these lengths to stay quiet, it's a matter of respect on my part to trust that he likely didn't intend to unblock his number. I don't take it personally, because of who he is, and what I know about him. He says what he means, good and bad. Thank you for your insight!

 

[Redhead75]

Just a little update on this situation: still no word whatsoever, which is unusual for my guy. The longest he's gone without talking to me prior to this is 6 days. It's now been about 3 weeks. All forms of communication are still off, leaving no way to contact him even if someone needed to. I'm not bothering his family about it, at his request, but his sister volunteered the information that they've not spoken in over 2 months. He's essentially disappeared off the grid. As worried as I am, there's nothing I can do, but hope he's safe. Absolutely the only solace I can take from this, is that he's finally doing what he wants to do. No matter how long it takes. Sure doesn't help me sleep at night.

 

[Justmehere]

You describe him as your boyfriend for the past 18 months, but for 9 of those months, you have only had email contact until you broke your promise and attempted to obtain his number from his family... and now you don't even have an email address or phone number to contact him at... but you still call him your boyfriend?

You express so much love and unconditional acceptance, and I understand isolation, but something feels off with how you write about this relationship.

It feels like you have overly romanticized and idealized parts of this relationship. There are also a lot of possible inconsistencies or loops in what you write, that something just feels really off.

He's chosen to keep our conversation down to email, and has only provided his changed phone number to immediate family, for obvious reasons.

No, that's not actually obvious. His family seems to know that he doesn't want you to have the number, why? It's one thing to isolate, it's another to ask your family to not give your number to your girlfriend. It seems like he doesn't trust you to respect his boundaries around contact before this incident happened when you called his father.

He called his son, which prompted the call to me. Sigh... I did the thing I said I wouldn't.

Except you state elsewhere that you had made an agreement with the father to tell him if he was ever becoming "too dark."

His father and I have an understanding that I will contact him if I feel his son is going too dark, so to speak.

You made one agreement with him, but established a different "understanding" with his father.

He wasn't happy, and I apologized for doing precisely what he'd asked me not to do, but also said that his email was alarming.

He knows that I'm suffering financially due to his running - I finally told him what was happening recently, and then let the subject drop when he stated that he "didn't know what to do, and that he's not doing good for anyone", but wanted to know "when is rent due, when is the car payment due."

What was "happening recently" that you dropped as a "subject"? Does he pay your bills? Do you benefit financially from keeping him as your "boyfriend"?

That being said, he's never lost touch with me.

You said he shut down his email, and that you have no phone number to reach him at other than an accidentally unblocked number that is seems clear he didn't want you to have.

Through this isolation process going on 9 months now, he's continued to respond as he could stand to have conversation, and has appreciated the pictures and humor as he can. Typically every few days. The longest time he's not been in contact was three weeks. But then he was back on par, saying, "Hey baby girl, how are you?"

The longest he's gone without talking to me prior to this is 6 days. It's now been about 3 weeks. All forms of communication are still off, leaving no way to contact him even if someone needed to.

Wait, what?

About two weeks ago, he called and either did not block his number, or accidentally did not block it.

Then there is a way to reach him if someone really needed to, he just doesn't want you to call it, but his family does have that number, and you do as well. He just doesn't want you to contact him.

Unless you have now broken the boundary to not call him and you did call him and discovered that his phone was shut off.

Either way, this doesn't add up.

I've agreed to not discuss him with his family, and he's never asked me to stop communicating with them.

I'm not bothering his family about it, at his request, but his sister volunteered the information that they've not spoken in over 2 months.

How would this even come up if you are keeping a strong boundary to not discuss him with his family? That's discussing him with his family. When his sister brought his up, if you really respected the agreement you made with him, you would have told her, sorry, I can't talk about him.

A boundary you seem to be breaking a lot - you have "understandings" with his father, and info from his sister, which all seems a bit triangulated, and you are so overly accepting of being in a relationship which a guy you have no means to contact but you do or do not have the phone number of that he doesn't want you to contact so strongly that even though he doesn't want you talking to his family about him, he still told his family to not give you the number...

You love him oh so much are are oh so strong, and the only hint of anger or upset from you seems to be over the financial harm you feel you are suffering from him being gone, and otherwise you seem so unhurt by pretty brutal isolation and cutting off of contact. There's being understanding, and then there is... I don't know. It really feels like you have turned parts of this relationship into something it is not and don't seem to have much awareness of your own behaviors that might not be very trustworthy or helpful to building a good solid foundation in this relationship.

Respectfully, I think you need to spend less time focusing on him, and work on whatever is going on for you. That would likely help you both to handle this isolation and relationship in more positive and healthy ways.

 

[Redhead75]

Just to clarify a few things because they were probably disjointed:

He's been initiating and asking for the contact since he left for his job transfer in February. That much needs to be made clear. He's stated multiple times that we can do this, and to please have faith in him. In those months, I've had no cause for concern.

This new aspect of complete isolation is just that. It's a new development. There was never any request 3 weeks ago to not discuss him with his family, and in fact until recently, he's encouraged the connection. This is an aspect of his need for isolation.

The "obvious" reason for him maintaining a phone contact with his sister and father in the last 9 months (until recently) has for emergency purposes due to his father's health. Family things. They don't hear from him too often. In all these months, I've been the one they contacted to find out how he's been. If I've heard from him. Not the other way around. So no, confidence and trust have not been repeatedly broken. Why would you assume that, out of curiosity? If it's because of my initial post, I need to clarify that at no point in the last 9 months has he asked people to not discuss him, until 3 weeks ago.

You have drawn the incorrect conclusion that he didn't and doesn't trust me, based on what? Somehow my initial post left you thinking that he'd asked his family to literally not give me his phone number in the last 9 months? That's never happened. Also, I've not been asking. He's called me plenty through these months. I'm fine with that. Why is that an issue?

The truth of the trust matter is precisely the opposite of what you've concluded, and there's just no way for me to explain in one post all the aspects of our relationship. He's always confided in me, until he went into full isolation 3 weeks ago. Things he wouldn't tell his family. Things I've never shared, and won't. Period. If his sister or father calls to ask simply if I've heard from him, there's no harm in that, according to what he's said. What he initiated.

Specifically, he's now asked me to not disclose where his head has been. To not discuss what he's been going through. I didn't, haven't, and won't. That's maintaining trust.

Since he's begun isolating in the last 3 weeks, no one has contact with him. His sister has said as much when she recently called me to ask if I'd heard from him. His phone is going directly to voice-mail now, regardless of who calls, she said. Not because I called to find out. (?!)

He's very blunt, and if he did not want to continue a relationship, albeit a very different and sometimes difficult relationship, he'd flat out say so.

To assume from everything else I've written that I'm mostly affected by the financial loss, and to use phrasing such as, "oh so strong..." I can't really understand why you'd express that with any respect at all in mind. I'm on a forum for support and insight. That much should indicate that I'm obviously hurting for him as a person, a veteran, as the man I love, and am more concerned with what he may be experiencing than I am with financial issues, or my ability to sleep at night.

I mentioned finances in my previous post, merely because it may have been just one of the multitude of things occurring presently that have caused him to state that he feels he's not doing good for anyone. This was mentioned to help draw perspective on his stress level. Financial gain is NOT and has never been the focus of our relationship.

I've asked for advice regarding his possible mindset and experiences in regard to his ptsd and how he might be feeling in his isolation, in my initial post. In so doing, admitted to contacting his father after receiving that disturbing email 3 weeks ago, because that's an important factor. I didn't ask for relationship advice, or an analysis of how we function.

For some additional background on the specific matter of contact and trust since it's been brought up in your reply: He and his father have been aware since we all met that we will talk to each other should a very low point or crisis hit. The three of us had agreed on this face to face, long ago. That may not excuse or erase by way of justification upsetting him 3 weeks ago, but the call did happen, as he expected it would. Based on our long standing agreement. He was not angry by the end of our last phone call, and understood why I discussed his email with his father. He understood that his email created a sense of urgency.

And no, you should not assume that I've called him. I asked for advice on that, and took the advice received.

Hopefully this clears up any confusion regarding my previous post. I don't sit around focusing on just him, trying desperately to figure out what's in his head according to fantasies. I do love him, he most certainly has maintained our relationship as best he can. He asked me to trust him, and to be strong. I reached out to this forum for advice from veterans who may have been through something similar to what he's experiencing.

I do actually appreciate your candor, even if it rubs me wrong. That's quite alright.

 

[Redhead75]

@Justmehere I do apologize for any undercurrent of anger in my reply. It's difficult to convey thoughts in type, without appearing to sound angry, however direct the words may be. Anger toward you was surely was not my intention. I take responsibility for being more concise in my future posts so as to not confuse the situation.

Now from here, I'd like to steer the conversation back to combat related pstd in regard to isolation, and how it may be affecting my loved one.