Childhood Confronting Abuser

[Rainydaiz]

I wonder if you built a visualization around this, @Rainydaiz , that involved someon...

That is a top idea shimmerz. Thank you. It's something I have thought of doing together with my therapist.

 

[scout86]

Unfortunately I'm so filled with fear actually doing it seems almost impossible.

Maybe this is just me, but a direct confrontation seems a lot scarier than "Hey folks, me & Hubby are going to Hawaii for Christmas this year."

I have a lot of "stuff" that goes back to my mother. And, I had a hard time with not doing what she wanted. (As an extra added attraction, by definition I never COULD do "what she wanted" because it was a moving target.) Anyway, I eventually found out that most of that was about me reacting with the same fear I might have felt at 1, not the way things actually were in the present. She was upset, but the world didn't come to an end. And, having that small scale confrontation was kind of good practice. It was a much smaller, more manageable step than any kind of direct confrontation.

She died earlier this year. There never was a confrontation. Her mental health issues were such that that would have been a waste of time anyway.

I wish you well with this! If anyone in you family is going to believe you, I'd guess your sister would. I'd probably start with her. Especially because she has kids of her own and they need to be safe too.

 

[Jnean]

I've had this convo with my T about confronting. She suggested I say one thing, my body remembers or I remember. Perhaps wishful thinking that's all I would need to say to put fear in someone else but that's what my T was getting at. Once that fear in your dad is there, it may not be obvious but you may see or hear less and less. I want that but to think ahead and see myself having to insist that "you know what I am talking about" convo will be difficult. It may be better than living a lie though. I know my dad told me he wanted nothing to do with me once, it hurt terribly but there was a part of me that felt at peace with it. That was before I had a flashback and I'm still trying to put the pieces together so when he came around and wanted to forget about him not wanting me as his daughter again because of my choices in life, I let him back in my life.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Hi Alice, first thank you for your thoughtful reply.
Yes I have a therapist. Luckily she specialises...

It's good to hear you have a therapist who knows how to help you. It seems like you feel good with her as well and that makes all the difference in the world.

Not everything I learned was in books. I heard the words "I thought so" and it was like a slap in the face.

I was also sexually abused by my father and my sister says she never was but she used to act out in ways that suggest otherwise. I did not exactly confront my father. My parents were separated and I was living with him and I told my sister who then arranged for me to go to my mothers and told everyone else. No one believed me. My sister said she did but we never really discussed it. She has alcohol problems and is now 64 years old. We have close moments but we were never really close. She does not know the difference between the truth and a lie, she never keeps any confidence and in the retelling adds whatever embellishments she feels is necessary, she steals from me and she abused me as a child and a teenager. Yet, I love her. She was saddled with taking care of me as an infant when she was only 7 years old and it is she who I bonded with. Never my mother.

I really feel for your situation and the struggle you are going through. Try to remember, it's not about your dad, mom or sister. It's about you and what you deserve. You deserve to have a life without all the pain, you deserve to be whole and healthy, you deserve to have self-compassion and you deserve to be free. You deserve Joy. Don't let anyone stop you, especially yourself.

I hope you keep us updated.

One more thing, maybe your therapist can help you with the GP situation :)

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I imagine that would be the end of my relationship with my family.

The relationship you have now is based on lies and every time you spend time with them the lie steals a little more of you.

You deserve better than that.

 

[Rainydaiz]

Thab

Maybe this is just me, but a direct confrontation seems a lot scarier than "Hey folks, me & Hubby are go...

Thanks Scout. I menat I was scared by doing something different from what ice always done at Chrsitmas - not the idea of a direct confrontation. My therapist agrees about starting with my sister too. Thanks for your thought and good wishes.

 

[Rainydaiz]

I've had this convo with my T about confronting. She suggested I say one thing, my body remembers or I rem...

Thanks Jnean. I have fantasised many times about leaning in to my dad for a hug (I never hug him) and just whispering 'I remember what you did'. Then sitting back to watch how he'd react. Just a fantasy...
Thanks for your thoughts. Much appreciated.

 

[Rainydaiz]

It's good to hear you have a therapist who knows how to help you. It seems like you feel goo...

Thanks Alice. Thanks for your experience and thoughts and sharing your story. Your words have hit home and have given me lots to consider.
My therapist wrote to my GP mainly because my GP did not know what to do. But there wasn't a lot my therapist could say because all I needed from the GP was a sick note. My therapist is treating the trauma. I will try to go to a different doctor next time. She was a nightmare.
The fact that I am living a lie is not sitting easy with me at all. I have just become a Quaker- one of the central Quaker testimonies is truth. And I have always been an extremely honest person. It's something my dad always brings up about me - 'I could always rely on our Rainy to tell the truth'. I feel that he wanted to use that in some way to keep me from telling. That because I was so truthful I would have told if anything was happening. And I am annoyed that I am the one still being silenced. Still keeping HIS dirty secret. Not mine. But if I tell it will be me who is hurt again. It's so incredibly wrong isn't it?
I do deserve better than that. We all do. Thanks so much.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

But if I tell it will be me who is hurt again.

Rainydaiz, you have not stopped hurting to be hurt again. Every time you think about it the pain affects you. Only you know how much that is. However much it is ... That's how much joy is being robbed from your life. Moments you could be feeling love for yourself or husband is eaten up by the pain inflicted on you. I don't believe God brought you into this world to suffer but to overcome it and grow strong.

I used to somehow believe my abusers thought about what they did as much as I did. They don't. They moved on. When your dad says you can always be depended on to tell the truth, he isn't thinking what he did to you. It's most likely a very admirable trait you have. He does not acknowledge to himself he abused you or hurt you. You could be making the mistake thinking, like I did, that he feels in the same capacity you do. Abusers think and process feelings differently than we do. They get a rush from the power play like a drug. They steal our power and in its place they leave pain. We have the ability to regain our power and be rid of the pain only through self compassion and taking steps to protect ourselves.

If you had a little girl, would you allow her to be around him? Would you take the chance?

Treat the suffering little girl in you the same way you would treat/protect a daughter you gave birth to.

I'll pray for you and your little girl.

 

[Rainydaiz]

Rainydaiz, you have not stopped hurting to be hurt again. Every time you think about it the...

Thank you very much Alice.