Wasn't Sure Where To Post This?

[Zufo]

I just need to vent a moment. I hope this is the correct place...I debated a bit. This is a very long post, so please forgive me.

I have PTSD, my wonderful boyfriend does not. We've known each other two years but only been officially together since January.

He's currently going back to school for his Bachelor's degree. He earns about $40,000/year salary working I.T. for a high-end college in the area. He's hoping to earn more upon graduation and through a lot of extra work and effort. He works two jobs to make enough to live in an apartment. He has a roommate to help with the costs but could probably manage alone if he needed.

He's discussed us moving in together at some point and I panicked for two reasons: A) commitment scares me. Terrifies me. B) I don't have the money like he does. I live at home. (Judge all you will but it happens to many of us anymore)

I work in an early childhood school. I make $11/hour and I am BARELY making it while living at home. Because of my low income, I had to acquire credit cards, especially because I was in school for a degree in my field and lost a lot of work hours for student teaching, observations, etc.

He's been talking about graduating, shopping around for a new job that would offer him more, making a future for himself, starting a life...brought up marriage a few times here and there...and here I am...with nothing. I have a job I'm burned out on that doesn't pay me enough for all the politics. I live at home with no ability to move out for at least 3 more years due to my financial debt. I am going back to school for a new career altogether in December but I fear I still won't make enough to get out of here.

I feel like I'm lying to him...he sees me as a great person and he wants a future with me and he knows I'm broke and doesn't judge me for living at home. He loves me for me but I feel like I'm going to be a problem for him. Like I'll hold him back from all he wants. It's hard to explain how this makes me feel.

I just don't care if I have a future, sometimes. Like, I'll die some day anyway...so why bother? We love each other, and support one another through everything, but money is SUCH a big deal to him. I'm scared he'll some day see how different we are financially and leave me.

Part of me wants to ask him if it would matter to him that I will never be an equal to where he is. If he'd still stay with me if I'll never be as far in life as he is. But I know that's juvenile and insecure. I feel like such a lowlife scumbag as he's pushing on, and I feel trapped. I don't want to trap him. I don't want him to feel like he's stuck with me. I don't see myself living past 35 so it's as though it doesn't even matter if I make something of myself or not. He wants me to be healthier so that I live long and we have a long future together, whereas I hope I die tomorrow. When he says he wants me around forever, it bothers me.

 

[Unod]

If marriage is on the table, a conversation about how to handle finances seems to be in order. Debt needs to be disclosed, just so that the other person knows what is out there and the practical steps can be taken to deal with it. There are a number of savings that come with being married that most non-marrieds don't realize. Do your homework on the pratical implications of your debt and the possible mutual cost savings of being married before you make this huge statement that you are going to burden him.

BUT, before you deal with those practical matters, I think you need to deal with your lack of self worth and your sense that he would only accept you if you had enough money. Money will come and go over the many decades of a marriage. If you can't trust that he accepts you without bringing in more money, then this relationship is not ready for marriage.

Talk to him. Share with him how you feel. See if you can begin to build the ability to trust him that he loves you and accepts you for you.

Only after that does it make sense to move forward to making a lifelong commitment to each other, "in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer..."

 

[Awaro]

Shortened lifespan anticipation is a PTSD symptom. You sound depressed, too.
...There's the usual recommendations: Therapy. Support groups, free ones or otherwise. Online support. The merry-go round of pharmaceuticals-you might find pills to be VERY helpful...or not, or they might make you worse if you are taking the wrong ones.
...I have big bad brain cooties: Major Depression, PTSD, Multiple Personalities of a sort. I work hard to keep my brain cooties ranched properly, to minimize the impact on my beloved people.
I recommend that course of action.
He is CHOOSING to be with you. He's not trapped. He can walk himself away anytime.
Do your best. Work hard on both getting better and getting ahead. Do your best to not throw problems in your partner's lap. Don't ever criticize. Build your guy up, tell him how awesome he is every damn day, and POUR love on him in buckets...that last makes up for a lot of other crap.

 

[Zufo]

I do build him up every day. For his birthday I made a pencil cup out of LEGOs and filled it with pens, pencils and highlighters as well as some binder clips, paper clips and a mini stapler to support his going back to school. On a LEGO door I wrote that I love him, on a window I wrote that I believe in him. I tell him every day that I'm proud of his progress and his desire to push ahead.

He tells me all the time that all he needs from me is my support. I've mentioned to him that if we ever do move in together, I can't currently afford rent. The first two times he said he could handle it all, the third time he asked if I really don't have the other half. I told him if we were to get married, we'd need separate accounts because I'm not financially savvy like he is. He asked if a joint savings would be an option, I said yes, but main accounts would need to be separate because I wouldn't feel right spending his money.

I'm not 100% sure where he stands on marriage. In the beginning, even before we made things official and just talked as friends, he and I both mentioned we don't need marriage in order to make commitment official, just spending lives together is enough. He's since mentioned it in passing, giving mixed responses. I never bring it up. But, as you said, I will have to mention to him where I'm at financially and maybe he could help me make a plan. He's skilled in this stuff, I am not.

He makes me happy, he respects me, calls me beautiful every day, tells me he loves me a dozen times a day or more, tells me he doesn't "put up with me and my issues but loves me for who I am." He's told me I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had, that he appreciates my support. He's opening up to me finally (he has trust issues and blames himself STILL for past mistakes toward other women).

I AM depressed. My level of self loathing is immeasurable but that's my problem, not his. He's asked me to call him if I need someone to talk to to get through my phases but I told him I need to work on it myself because it wouldn't be fair to burden him with my problems. I'd feel okay calling to hear his voice to calm down, but he's not a therapist, so it's not his job to fix me. He has no idea how bad things get in my head and so far, he hasn't witnessed anything but I only see him 1-3 times a week, MAYBE. He doesn't ever deliberately make me feel bad about myself, ever ever. It's all my own doing. I just honestly feel like I'm cheating him of what he deserves.

I know his love for me is real. We both are in this forever, marriage or not. But as someone who doesn't see a future in general, this is hard on me. I know relationships aren't ever perfect, everyone has problems of their own. Money is so important to him, he's insecure about finances, he talks about his roommate and rent and costs of things quite a bit. I told him I don't like talking money, it makes me uncomfortable. If things eventually get to the point of needing to discuss it, I'll bring it up.

He tells me I'm worth everything, I just wish I knew how to see it too.

 

[Ilago]

...dang, just lost a long post...

Learn from my mistakes.

Undefined and unspoken expectations are bad things in a marriage.

You expect stuff from him.
He expects stuff from you.
You THINK he expects a DIFFERENT set of stuff from you.
He THINKS you expect a DIFFERENT set of stuff from him.

...You two should do your very, very best to figure out what your unspoken and unexpressed expectations are, then put those into concrete terms to each other.

I had the unspoken expectation that my ex would try to stay steadily employed like me. Nope. She waltzed out of jobs, got herself fired regularly, quit on impulse with no notice and no other job lined up.
Her behavior frightened me and built a huge amount of resentment up within me towards her.

Ask him if he thinks he has to make a lot of money to be acceptable as a person?

 

[Dasig]

If he lost his job and couldn't find a new one, would you consider him a burden?

Let's say you suddenly are making 100,000 a year. I'm guessing that you would still feel like a burden to him in another way.

The "I'm a burden" belief likely comes from your trauma, your abuser.

Working on the depression and distorted thinking with more PTSD support and treatment will go a long ways to building a good healthy marriage and resolving this belief that you are a burden.

You can keep trying to convince us and him you are a burden, but I don't think you will succeed and it doesn't really matter.

You believe you are a burden and until you are ready to risk believing something else, you will believe it no matter what your paycheck is.

 

[Arupu]

My ex worked (works) in IT. We both started out making beans -I was in school, he was in grocery. He switched to IT. Without a degree? 40k is pretty standard. So he wanted a degree. I didn't quit school but I worked nights to get him through school. The moment he graduated? 80k. Which is still scraping the barrel in his field. Inside of 5 years he was making over 200k a year. Which is about industry standard. He still has maybe another 100-200k to add on over the coming decades. But 150k-250k is pretty norm for mid-level guys in his field, which is where he'll be for about 20 years.

40k code monkey / no degree
80k entry level DBA / degreed
150-250k mid level (sr team lead)
250-500k Head of _______ (R&D, DBA, etc.)

Did my $12 an hour matter anymore to our finances at 80k? Snort. Nope. He was still working the same hours, for double the pay. So I quit my job and just did school & kids (and sleep! For 4 years I only got 2 naps a day to get him through school). How about 5 years later when he was making 200k a year? Did my potential $15 an hour job matter then? Pfft. Not hardly. In fact, I "made" more money by us not having to pay out $3200 in childcare per month. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. 3 months into our separation, he wanted me back just because he was having to pay out nearly 100k a year in hiring things I "did" both for him and the marriage, "sitting at home on my ass doing nothing". LMAO. Or so many people believe. SAHPs contribute a helluva lot financially by saving money that would otherwise be spent in numerous areas. Childcare just being the tip of the iceberg. I was far more valuable financially at home than working. Which is often the case. Across *many* income brackets. Especially middle class.

The only time my $15 an hour mattered was when we divorced 10 years later. Because I'm back to where I started, worse actually, & he's 10 years into his career.

Would I do it again? In my 20s? Probably. That gives enough leeway in the event of divorce to start over. In my 30's? Nope. I really cannot afford the risk of divorcing without having raised my income potential.

So that's where I would be looking at income disparity from: from the potential of divorce.

 

[Ibeli]

So he wants a joint checking account and you want separate ones? He has a bigger earning poetical and you use that to devalue yourself, He wants to love you as you are, and you reject that and seek to earn his love with money instead.

That would make some guys feel really bad and rejected.

Why are you pushing him away?

There may be a place where he is passing in to you his anxiety about money, and you are taking it in a lot of ways he doesn't intend.

I hope you talk to him about all of this

Top two reasons for divorce of a first marriage: money and sex.

I believe this is very workable if you are willing to work out the self worth issues.

Are you in therapy or treatment for the PTSD which is playing a huge role and causing you to push him away?

 

[Zufo]

Each and every one of you has a valid point. I just wish I could put a stop to the stupid and asinine thoughts that put what we have at risk.

The "I'm a burden" also stems from knowing what I deal with, in myself, every single day. It's exhausting and I wish I could break up with me so it goes away (I have NO doubt MANY people feel this way as well). I could never put that on someone else. Though, I know that he'd never feel of it that way. If he felt he didn't want to deal with me, he wouldn't have spent a year trying to 'get' me as his own, he wouldn't still be with me when I have psychotic episodes and lash out at him over stupid things. We have learned how to talk things through without fighting or belittling. I always apologize. He always forgives and moves on.

No, I'd never think less of him if he lost his job. He's made comments toward his roommate and her financial issues and I tend to make myself feel less for not having that much money. It has nothing to do with me, at all, but somehow my insecurities come up because of it.

We do need to sit and talk these things through but it only being 9 months in, it feels too soon. However, at our age, it's necessary to get a lot of these things out of the way. It puts a little fear in me...it's tough. He's very patient, calm, cool headed, supportive. He brings a calm to me that I can't give myself.

The insecurities I have are all from myself. I know that. I just wish I knew how to get them to shut up so I can live my life. Everyone has them, and I am working hard on not letting them control my relationship. He has insecurities too. All we can do, I suppose, is just work on communicating more and helping each other get through it all.

 

[Ehuh]

I could never put that on someone else.

Hard lesson learned... My refusing other people the right to make their own decisions? Is just me taking on the abuser-role to feel more in control. AKA it comes from a very sick place. No. You're not allowed to choose to be with me. No, you're not allowed to choose XYZ. I won't let you. In fact, I will make things so painful for you (lashing out, pushing you away, denying you your own agency) that you will do what I want.

These aren't my decisions to make.

It doesn't feel like I'm taking on the abuser-role in the moment. But if I step back? That is exactly what I'm doing by making their decisions for them, and when they say NO, I do it anyway. "For their own good." "No one should have to..." <insert dozens of self serving justifications here>

The only time I have the right to make decisions for someone else is if they are my child -but only to a degree- or unconscious. The people I date? Are neither. If I break up with someone? (Or whole laundry list of other actions; financial, emotional, activity, time, etc.). It needs to be because I don't want to be with them. NOT because I don't want them to be with me. That's not protecting them. That's me being a controlling and abusive asshole, acting out the same shit done to me. Maaaaaybe conceding to stay with them, or to let them make their own decisions if they beg me. Plead with me. Tell me how awesome I am. f*ck that shit. Insecurity is a fast road to assholery.

I may be insecure as hell. I may have shite for self confidence, or hate myself. But I will not make other people's decisions for them. I make mine. They make theirs. Any time I catch myself doing otherwise? Time to check myself. Hard. These are my decisions to make. This is my side of the street. Those are their decisions to make. That is their side of the street.

 

[Zufo]

Hard lesson learned... My refusing other people the right to make their own decisions? Is just me taking on the abuser-rol...

So, what you're saying is...let it go, when the time comes to discuss finances and other issues, then we talk it out.

What you're telling me is to step back, realize that if he didn't want me as-is, he wouldn't still be here.

I'm willing to work on myself and how I process things. For the most part I'm logical and understanding and realize that these things that worry me aren't things worth worrying over.

I am going to step back and take a breath. Things will happen as they do...I have to remind myself I don't want to ruin what we have by my petty insecurities. It will be a struggle but I can do this. I have to.

 

[Ehulur]

Whoa put down the self directed insults. You don't deserve to have your feelings and concerned to be called petty. You don't deserve to be called a burden. No one deserves to be treated as harshly as you treat yourself. I know you don't believe that right now, but it is painful to see you be so critical and mean towards yourself. You are so hard on yourself it is almost painful to read your posts. You call yourself petty, and you blame your insecurities all on you.

You describe him as being faultless. Always... always... always...Usually when someone is using the words always so much, they are engaged in a lot of of black and white thinking.

Your insecurities don't just pop out of nowhere. People don't just go around and choose to feel like they are a burden after trauma.

You believed the false statements that you are a burden because it was a way to survive the hell of trauma.

It is dangerous to see this as him always doing everything right and loving you perfectly and you just being a burden and petty and etc.

You may need to have the courage to love him enough to see his faults, which may include how he talks about the money issues his roommate has and the realistic concerns it raises for you. Not telling him that hey, this affects you, is doing a disservice to him.

And, in order to love him well, and most importantly yourself, it is worth it to take time and see where these insecurities come from, when did they start, where did you learn this, and if they are actually true.

Another way to look at it is to get very practical: is it helpful to you to believe that you are a burden? It doesn't seem to be doing much good.

You are not likely going to be able to suddenly start treating yourself with kindness and compassion right now, but how about temporarily suspending some of the insults you throw at yourself? Begin to challenge the distorted thoughts.

Hang in there. You must be a pretty amazing person to have a great guy like him. Even if you don't see it, he does. :hug: