Don't Know What To Do

[Hapagi]

This is myfirst time posting. I'm not sure what to do. My family doc thinks that I have ptsd after finally bringing up my experiences with sexual abuse and confinement from my ex husband. I have an appt scheduled with psychiatrist at the end of the month. I want things to change but I don't know if I'm ready to open up or delve into what happened. I've had other traumas throughout my life and just kind of feel supremely messed up. I was abused when I was 6 and didn't remember until 12 when abuser started being bus monitor. Went through court process. Same year my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. After treatments and surgery he eventually died when I was 15. I was present when he actually died. Got in relationship with ex at 20 and finally left at 30. Wehad a child together and I have full custody but he still has visitation. I still see ex at every drop off and don't know if I cando it anymore. I am remarried and have 1 1/2 year old with my new husband. Right now I'm numb most days, cry at the drop of a hat or go into a rage for basically no reason. Sorry this is long....I just feel so lost and just want to leave and be alone.

 

[Boma]

Welcome to the forums!

You don't have to reveal what has happened to you to get help and find relief. In fact, most good trauma therapists would not want to dive into what happened until someone was stabilized and even then, you do not have to share any of it unless you wanted to and felt ready to do so.

One place that you could start is by looking up information about DBT self help skills like mindfulness and grounding - that's something that can be done on your own and may provide some small relief now.

Seeing a psychiatrist is a good step. Medication can sometimes help. You never ever have to say anything about the trauma that you are not comfortable or ready to say. At this appointment you can focus on symptoms and simply say you have been through past trauma that you do not want to talk about at this time. That, along with his consult with your PCP should be more than enough for this doctor.

It might be a good idea to call around and find a therapist trained in trauma. Not just someone who is trauma informed, but look for someone that has training in a specific trauma treatment method. Most therapists can tell you on the phone if they are trained in any specific techniques used for trauma. A good solid trauma therapist will leave the choice up to you as to how much you want to reveal about the past.

You don't sound messed up. You sound like someone who is understanding struggling with very common PTSD symptoms after the horrible things you have survived.

 

[Egagu]

Hi Hapagi,
I got a bit teary reading this as I can relate. Reading your post just felt like years of having no boundaries, no protection, and even though you're out of the situation, it still feels like that - nowhere safe.
I might be totally wrong about that. I'm relating it to how I have felt, but it just felt so similar reading your post.
I had a long abusive marriage also, but can see now that there were many reasons I allowed that to happen that came from earlier traumas.
It was extremely hard for me to actually just feel my own feelings and act accordingly, I was always looking to someone else to tell me how I should feel/act - a hangover from my own childhood which was full of denial, gaslighting and repression - and punishment for showing how I felt if I ever did.
I might be totally off base, but I got that same feeling from your post.
I was a slow learner, but after about 6 years of seeking answers from books, from therapists, from anything I could find really!!, I do finally feel like myself. So freeing and so worth the effort.
Don't ever give up. You've been through so much! There will be many gifts along the journey, you will be surprised.
Just wanted to say I relate and to wish you much peace and strength along the way.

 

[Hapagi]

Welcome to the forums!

You don't have to reveal what has happened to you to get help and find relief. In fact, most good...

Hi Hapagi,
I got a bit teary reading this as I can relate. Reading your post just felt like years of having no boundarie...

Thank you! I was having such a low day yesterday. Having a lot of anxiety today because it's the weekend that my son goes to his dads. My husband has been great, so supportive. He wants to help me anyway he can but I still find it so hard to open up even with him. He knows some of what went on with my ex and he just wants to protect me. I guess I just wish that I neverhad to see or talk to him again