Hey all... In my own irrational way, I'm convinced that if a whole lot of people spend a moment contemplating a common intention, it can bring about change. If you're willing, please join me in wishing for my mother to be released swiftly and peacefully into whatever adventures await her beyond this life. It's time for her to stop fighting. 86 1/2 years has been a good run. Thank you.
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Will You Join Me?
- Post starter Hope4Now
- Start date
- Status
KwanYingirl
Diamond Member
Will do. Also have an 88 year old Mother who suffers every minute of every day.
sun seeker
Diamond Member
Of course, I would be happy to.
And it's not irrational at all, it's scientifically proven.
And it's not irrational at all, it's scientifically proven.
sun seeker
Diamond Member
Hope, when you have time, let us know what is going on, will you?
It is to be expected that your emotions will run the gamut for a while. We're here for you. Keep reaching out as you feel like it and have the energy. :hug:
It is to be expected that your emotions will run the gamut for a while. We're here for you. Keep reaching out as you feel like it and have the energy. :hug:
- Post starter
- #7
I was going to return to her tonight, but I came home and crashed. For 3 hours. And now it is 8 PM and I could go back, but she is probably asleep (as she has been all last night and today while I was there). She did awaken briefly and she knew who I was. Her brother is flying in tomorrow. I felt that it was the right thing to do to call him, even though he will probably end up staying with us which is a mixed blessing.
If I return tonight, it is likely that it will be very loneIy. And very likely I will get activated and I don't want that to happen there. My husband came with me last night, but he is kind of sick with a flare of chronic bronchitis which is wiping him out even though I've foisted one of my son's albuterol inhalers on him. He will not go to the doctor. He is in some superpower hyper mode. Partly because of what's going on, partly because of other stuff going on with him. It's not great.
It is a huge challenge to balance my own needs with my urgency to be there for my mother in these final hours/days/weeks (nobody can tell me which). She is not herself. Even the aides at the assisted living say that...she's lost her fight. Which is good, but so weird. She looks like a young and ill child lying in her bed. She cannot speak much, mostly I think because of the morphine. In some ways, it makes it easier for me to be present for her because she does not feel like as much of a danger to me. But in other ways it is devastating me. Like my head has made peace with her dying and knows it is absolutely the best thing for her even though she is very scared of the transition. But the parts of me that are seeking children are so not at peace with this. Like screaming and crying in devastated desperation for what they always wanted and needed but never got. My inside world is extraordinarily...hmmm...what?...extraordinarily something. Dreary. Chaotic. Fraught. Devastated. Polarized. Basically just YUCK. Full of gunk.
But I am working on using my strategies...as best I can. When the last major crises happened, I wrecked myself. I remember. I don't think I have the energy reserves available to do that again. Right now am working on containing the firefighters. We'll see if I make it back there tonight. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I go, I will be wrecked. If I don't and she dies tonight, I will be wrecked.
So, really, it doesn't matter, because right now, there is no good outcome of this for me. The good outcome will be if she can just be free of this world and go to her heaven and finally find some peace. Because I believe she will. She and my father destroyed me, but they did do the best they could. I do believe that. As sick and benighted and selfish as they were, they did the best they could with this weird oversensitive old soul of a baby they adopted to serve their own needs.
Yikes. This is WAY harder than when my father died. I DON'T LIKE THIS. Powerless to provide her with what she wants and needs, yet again. As always.
I am practicing distress tolerance. So far, so good.
Thanks all for your thoughts. Wish her off to the beyond then now soon. I'm working on cutting Aka cords and keeping myself safe.
It is not a good night.
If I return tonight, it is likely that it will be very loneIy. And very likely I will get activated and I don't want that to happen there. My husband came with me last night, but he is kind of sick with a flare of chronic bronchitis which is wiping him out even though I've foisted one of my son's albuterol inhalers on him. He will not go to the doctor. He is in some superpower hyper mode. Partly because of what's going on, partly because of other stuff going on with him. It's not great.
It is a huge challenge to balance my own needs with my urgency to be there for my mother in these final hours/days/weeks (nobody can tell me which). She is not herself. Even the aides at the assisted living say that...she's lost her fight. Which is good, but so weird. She looks like a young and ill child lying in her bed. She cannot speak much, mostly I think because of the morphine. In some ways, it makes it easier for me to be present for her because she does not feel like as much of a danger to me. But in other ways it is devastating me. Like my head has made peace with her dying and knows it is absolutely the best thing for her even though she is very scared of the transition. But the parts of me that are seeking children are so not at peace with this. Like screaming and crying in devastated desperation for what they always wanted and needed but never got. My inside world is extraordinarily...hmmm...what?...extraordinarily something. Dreary. Chaotic. Fraught. Devastated. Polarized. Basically just YUCK. Full of gunk.
But I am working on using my strategies...as best I can. When the last major crises happened, I wrecked myself. I remember. I don't think I have the energy reserves available to do that again. Right now am working on containing the firefighters. We'll see if I make it back there tonight. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I go, I will be wrecked. If I don't and she dies tonight, I will be wrecked.
So, really, it doesn't matter, because right now, there is no good outcome of this for me. The good outcome will be if she can just be free of this world and go to her heaven and finally find some peace. Because I believe she will. She and my father destroyed me, but they did do the best they could. I do believe that. As sick and benighted and selfish as they were, they did the best they could with this weird oversensitive old soul of a baby they adopted to serve their own needs.
Yikes. This is WAY harder than when my father died. I DON'T LIKE THIS. Powerless to provide her with what she wants and needs, yet again. As always.
I am practicing distress tolerance. So far, so good.
Thanks all for your thoughts. Wish her off to the beyond then now soon. I'm working on cutting Aka cords and keeping myself safe.
It is not a good night.
sun seeker
Diamond Member
(((Hope)))
I read through your post and kept nodding. Not sure there's anything I can say that you haven't already thought of. It all fits and makes sense though. Thinking of you.
I read through your post and kept nodding. Not sure there's anything I can say that you haven't already thought of. It all fits and makes sense though. Thinking of you.
- Post starter
- #10
D
Deleted member 12723
I am here for you Hope. Sending healing energy to you and in agreement for your mom to let go and journey on. Many healing hugs to you.
- Post starter
- #12
You all are awesome. Truly. Thank you.
I did not go back to the assisted living tonight. Decided to TRUST that they are taking as good care of her as what I witnessed when I was there today. Am realizing how lovely it is to rest a bit in accepting help and support.
Husband made lovely clam chowder for dinner. Nothing like soup for comfort. (Well, except tea. And whiskey :)). I am going to watch some kind of distracting movie while lying in bed, and hope to go to sleep.
Y'all must be sending good healing thoughts, because I'm feeling not so alone. Thank you.
I did not go back to the assisted living tonight. Decided to TRUST that they are taking as good care of her as what I witnessed when I was there today. Am realizing how lovely it is to rest a bit in accepting help and support.
Husband made lovely clam chowder for dinner. Nothing like soup for comfort. (Well, except tea. And whiskey :)). I am going to watch some kind of distracting movie while lying in bed, and hope to go to sleep.
Y'all must be sending good healing thoughts, because I'm feeling not so alone. Thank you.
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