Scapegoating Or The Root Cause????

[Mammo]

Hi

Bear with me - this is a surreal situation even by my standards...

I have a history of chronic severe depression and 3 suicide attempts. I live in another country from my family.

I woke up the other morning to 12 missed calls from my siblings and text messages saying that my Mum is seriously ill. I phone the house, and my Dad answers to tell me that my Mum has basically had a complete nervous breakdown:
- Crying hysterically on the bed
- Saying she had wanted to drive her car into a tree to kill herself
- Admitted she hadn't been taking her blood pressure medication for a year because of side-effects and she never told anyone.

My Mum has never acted like that - so I don't doubt that this would be beyond distressing for our family to see.

The reason for her being this way is because she is apparently so worried and concerned about me, and that she wants to help but can't because I'm so far away.

I don't doubt this is a material factor for her, and it makes me so upset to know that I am causing all this damage.

This has led to the following feedback from my family:
- It's because I'm depressed that she is like this.
- If I don't sort myself out, "Mum will literally die"
- "We can't have to go through all of this stuff again in a few months, or in another years' time..."
- The apparently obvious solution is for me to see a Psychiatrist, as opposed to a clinical psychologist...get medication and just take a pill.
- if I fix me, then my Mum will be "fine."

The ultimate irony - my Mum has not even tried to speak to me about my situation. Not once in at least 9 months. To extend the irony further, one of the main reasons I don't disclose my feelings on this stuff is because when I was a teenager/in my early twenties, my Mum was the one who told me to "stop thinking like that" and to "not talk about it."

My T says he thinks this is scapegoating in a sense, and that I am being used as the sole cause and responsibility of my family's feelings. But I struggle to believe that, this is my Dad, brother and sister all simultaneously saying the same thing - plus, if the main reason she's upset is due to worry about me and my state, then isn't that cause and effect????

WTF?!

I had a 1.5 hour call from my brother this morning, reiterating more of the same. This isn't going to stop. The pressure this is putting on me (rightly or wrongly) feels massive, and at a time that things are already really desperate. But the thought of my Mum either dying by crashing a car into a tree, or dying from a stroke due to blood pressure...I don't even know what to do with that.

So, am I:
- being scapegoated? Or is my T just trying to tell me things to make me feel better?
- actually the cause of this much carnage, if yes, what do i do?

 

[seedling]

it makes me so upset to know that I am causing all this damage

This sounds like a cognitive distortion. Maybe it would be better phrased as: I am upset to know that her concern for me is causing her this kind of pain. "Damage?" What damage?

You don't have to be responsible for her feelings and actions. She alone is the only one who can change herself. Sounds to me like a ploy to get you back under her control. Not sure what the motivation is, maybe others who have experienced this kind of manipulation can offer some feedback.

You are seeing a therapist and in treatment. Your treatment is your choice. Maybe your mother needs help too - I don't see how you taking a pill will make her instantly better.

 

[Mammo]

Hi @seedling - thanks for responding. Yeah, I probably didn't really explain myself well...but yes, it's upsetting that her concern about my "state" is causing her to be that upset.

I don't know if it's any kind of "ploy" - my parents would certainly like me to move country, and live with them...which is not an appealing option for a whole host of reasons.

Their point seems to be one demanding that I try "everything" because if I get better, then so will she. I did point out that for her to be that upset, I doubt it's 100% about "me"...but that was very strongly dismissed and my brother said she's never going to get treatment (therapy/medication or anything) because the "problem" is me....

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I can't really answer your questions, but here's a few thoughts I had. One, you didn't cause this, the source of your PTSD did. Two, I doubt that your mom's nervous breakdown can solely be based on you. I also think that if she was that concerned, she would have called. Perhaps that something that needs to happen- direct communication with your mom. I don't know what your situation is like, but if everyone is saying that you're the cause, then I would want to be talking to my mom. I am willing to bet there is more going on than just her reaction to your struggle. Also, I want to say that I think it's horrible that you are being made to feel this way and that it should be obvious to your family that saying these blaming things to you is not going to help, but alas a lot of people do not understand that there is not quick fix to PTSD. Thinking of you.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Oh man...I completely agree with your T.

I'll be at a computer in a few minutes and can go deeper with that statement, but with my experience with my crazy, codependent family, this is most definitely scapegoating.

 

[Renestel]

Woo- you've got a lot on your plate! Very ,VERY sorry to hear this. Family is so complex.
I have several questions and comments to try to help if possible.

Starting with the easiest yet most important--are you able to go visit her? If this were me I would first want to get to the bare bones on the complexity of family chaos by saying can I visit her even though I'm not in the best state right now (because I am personally someone who attempts to have as few regrets as possible in life due to things from the past). This can potentially fix a few things- 1. I feel like (and this is going to get a little therapy babble, bear with me) I feel like your mom is going through a lot here. My mom was like yours in that she in a very awful way told me not to think like that. Now as an adult, come to find out she has panic attacks often, is a compulsive worrier, and denies her own depression. She told me that in the past because it was her fear that would not allow those thoughts in. These are human emotions. To deny sadness is to deny being human. So in light of that, she may actually be feeling depression, and feels even more of a "mother hen" sadness that you are not there, that she did something wrong or that she was not able to be there to support you when you needed her to be now that shes finally walking a day in your shoes. Don't take her not calling as anything certain, it could be she's ashamed, it could be she doesn't want to add to your already heavy burden, or it could even be that some moms don't take their kids leaving the nest very well. She could even be like so many of us on here, maybe it could be something traumatic she has told none of you and its finally surfacing and she is in a state of pain you all have never seen her expose before.
I have to say I somewhat agree with your therapist, but on a broader level, your family sounds like they are throwing a lot of the blame your way. I feel for you very heavily on this. But is your family good with communication and raw emotions? It sounds a little like maybe they are doing this in desperation because they literally feel so helpless and confused about your mom that you are the easy "potential solution". Thinking about things as I mentioned, old trauma, etc could be things that are very difficult for them to accept mentally.

My actual advice that I would throw your way is be very careful digesting these comments, such as "If I don't sort myself out mum will certainly die." That is like a red flag to me, a lose lose situation if you will. You are in a delicate state of mind, you do need to take care of yourself, and on the other hand you want your mom to be healthy and happy, but you can't get tied up as the sacrificial lamb here, either. That is just really harsh for people near and dear to you to say. I would almost put up my wall a little or not answer the phone quite as much for the time being, and use the time to make a decision on visiting her, or calling her and what you are going to say to try to touch her by maybe saying something supportive as her son. Take this one step at a time in your state. Maybe just being the stronger person and picking up the phone and being honest, yet maybe as positive as you can be for her may go a long way. If not, then take it to the next step/next option. Just keep your levels where you are checking them often because this is a big boulder on your back. Hope this helps you in some way- and hope things look up soon!

 

[shimmerz]

When the scapegoat is nowhere to be found .... they have to bait them back. Been there. Done that. Wasn't much fun.

I say stay away. Far, far away.

 

[Mammo]

I can't really answer your questions, but here's a few thoughts I had. One, you didn't cau...

Hi, thank you for replying. The feedback I received over the course of the last 18 months is that my depression etc started due to what my previous T described as emotional and physical child abuse. She said we should have been taken into care on a temporary basis until my Father learned to control his temper. He was/is a very angry man, (due to his own family history of abuse and domestic violence) - so he used to just wake up angry and deliberately lash out at people to make himself feel better. L last year I found out he still hits my mother (slapped her across the face whilst she was driving the car on the motorway - because they were arguing about driving directions)....

So, no, I doubt I'm the sole cause.

I could speak to my Mum - but I have no idea what to say that will make her feel better.

 

[Mammo]

Oh man...I completely agree with your T.

I'll be at a computer in a few minutes and can go deeper...

Thanks @DogwoodTree - look forward to hearing your views. Cheers

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I could speak to my Mum - but I have no idea what to say that will make her feel better.

I don't think you have to say anything specific- just check in. Ask her how she's doing. Just see what she says is going on if anything. It just might help you gauge what is really going on by talking to her directly. But it's just a thought.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

I think it is scapegoating.

1. You are taking responsibility for your condition and that is a big step.
2. Your mom is avoiding to take responsibility for herself (not taking her medications)
3. You are not responsible for her behavior and feelings.
4. If she is having a nervous breakdown then maybe she needs to go to a therapists or psychiatrists and take pills.
5. Besides scapegoating, there are "flying monkeys" (the siblings telling you that it is your fault)

Stay far away from them.

 

[Mammo]

Woo- you've got a lot on your plate! Very ,VERY sorry to hear this. Family is so complex.
I have sever...

Hi Renestal,

Thank you for your reply. Very kind of you.

I can't travel to the UK from Australia (cannot afford the ticket...and I'm literally run out of money).

My Mum has always repressed/bottled up/flat out denied anything that is upsetting. I wouldn't be surprised if she does have underlying issues like depression/anxiety. I find it hard to imagine someone simply stops taking blood pressure medication for a YEAR, and doesn't speak to the GP about a replacement...for no reason...

"is your family good with communication and raw emotions?" - hahahahaha....NO! Per one of my other replies above, Dad = ball of violent rage; Mum = "stick your head in the sand and everything's fine."

"It sounds a little like maybe they are doing this in desperation because they literally feel so helpless and confused about" - I think this is probably a very real factor - I completely understand why they'd be completely horrified at how upset my Mum is...she's never been like that...ever. Maybe it is just easier to go for the "simple" answer...rather than the harder one...

Re: "If i don't sort myself out my mum will die"...not my words unfortunately, my siblings said this, 3 times...This just horrifies me. What am I supposed to do with that?

If I put up my wall, and not answer the phone...things will only get worse. So at the moment, i'm trying to be cooperative, and not argue with them. I might just tell them I'm taking medication if that makes them feel better...

Thank you for your reply.