Suicidal Ideation And Rescue Fantasy

[hauntedmosaic]

I have seen similar threads here; and it made me realise that I am not alone in this. I have never told this to anyone before; but now that I see that there are others like me; I don't feel as odd.

I especially need to bring it up because it is getting *very* serious. I have always had a very weird rescue fantasy/fetish - a CPR fetish. This started from the time I was a little child (4), and I'd watch Baywatch. It just kind of added to the 'appeal'. I was always ashamed of this; but it is what it is.

I have always had rescue fantasies in general (in terms of any suicide method/gestures really); and I usually imagine myself being rescued by maternal figures, which caters to my need for attention, nurturance and care from such figures. It should be noted that my own mom never catered to my emotional needs - just material needs. The fact that I seek out this kind of attention because of that - is exasperated by my rescue fetish.

Currently, I am suffering from depression. A lot has happened in my life and I do not feel like it is really worth living. My friends aren't really there for me and it just makes me feel like nobody cares. To elicit any kind of care - I have had my lecturer talk me out of suicide twice last month. I view her as a maternal figure specifically - and want all her attention.

It terrifies me that this is even a 'fetish' when so many people are legitimately going through thoughts of suicide which are far from pleasurable in any way. But this is how I feel. It just scares me that it is so extreme - that it will drive me all the way to death, and I wouldn't care. As long as that ultimate 'fantasy' is fulfilled.

I would like your thoughts on this - or if anyone feels the same.

 

[scout86]

I just felt like I needed to get it out there because I am quite serious about it - to the extent where I am looking forward to carrying it out. That in itself is very concerning; and I would like your thoughts on this - or if anyone feels the same.

I agree that it's very concerning. To the point that I think it would be good if you sought out professional help where you live to help you. How about getting yourself REALLY rescued before it's too late?

I spent Tues visiting the grave of one of my best friends.I'd give anything in the world to have been able to rescue HIM. Didn't happen that way. There's nothing noble or glorious about missing him.

What I am hoping to achieve from this is to be valued and missed when I am gone

What matters is that you are valued while you're HERE. NOW is what counts. After you're dead? Doesn't count for much. You don't have to die to have value. Maybe the people in your life aren't doing a very good job of letting you know how much they value you, but that doesn't mean you're not valued and it especially doesn't mean that you don't HAVE value.

This sounds like a symptom of a problem and suicide is not the best answer. Are you in therapy? Contact someone who knows what they're doing and get some help with this.

 

[hauntedmosaic]

I agree that it's very concerning. To the point that I think it would be good if you sought out professi...

Thank you for your response. Yes - I am seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist - but I am simply too ashamed to mention any of this to them; hence me talking about it here under an anonymous persona. It scares me - to tell someone this, in person, as my very own self.

I agree that they are probably not showing me how valued I am, yet I probably am valued in some way. But it is just hurtful when one of my best friends left my side this year - despite knowing about my depression and suicidal thoughts. She said it was because I was becoming too needy and dependent; which is fair enough as I do have dependency issues. But how can someone who is supposed to be a *friend* leave me in my time of need?

All of that just adds to the suicidal thoughts and potential behaviour. It is definitely something I need to work through in therapy though. I am just so so afraid of saying it out loud. I never did. These were always thoughts I kept to myself.

 

[scout86]

I am just so so afraid of saying it out loud.

I can relate to that. People can't actually read your mind. This is something your psychologist and psychiatrist would want to know. They CAN help you, but not if they don't know.

But how can someone who is supposed to be a *friend* leave me in my time of need?

I don't know your friend, so I don't know the answer. In general, people have their limitations. Possibly she just didn't know how to help and backed off because she felt inadequate and afraid. That's why there are professionals to help with this stuff. Most of the time, I think people WANT to help, they just, often, don't know what to do and are afraid of doing the wrong thing.

Maybe talking about this a little here will make it easier for you to talk about it with your T. But, I'd have that talk and soon. I don't know your situation, but this is important and maybe you could send an email to let them know what you've been thinking about before your next appointment.

I wasn't going to discuss this topic with my T either. (Didn't want him to lock me up. He says that's not as easy to do as people think it is.) One day, he asked "What led you to contact me in the first place?" He thought it was an innocent question (I think) but I told him the truth. (That I was getting tired of thinking about suicide all the time.) We had a good, honest, and useful discussion about it. Bringing it up on your own might be hard, but not as hard as trying to undo something that can't be undone.

 

[Friday]

You don't have to be dying to rate love & affection.

Moreover... When you're dying? That's the time you're least likely to get it... Because that's when you're handed off to professionals. Who, by definition, will be keeping their distance from you. From being handed off 1 person to the next: EMT to Paramendic, to ER Doc & nurses, to next shift, to next shift, to psychiatric services, to...

If you want a caring professional relationship (which still involves distance) seek it out. Find a therapist you get on with, connect with, can build a working relationship with.

If you want a relationship with love and affection? That's also something to be sought after, but also involves a great deal of luck and timing. You won't love everyone you meet, nor will they love you, but with luck & timing, you can build personal relationships with people where you both give love and affection back and forth.

Honesty is a very good thing :) Being honest about wanting to be rescued, and why "which caters to my need for _______" actually gives you a shot at achieving what you want. The affection, nuturance, care... That plain and simple wouldn't exist in real life the way it exists in the fantasy.


ETA... It looks like you already have a caring professional relationship ... And know that even that level of closeness isn't enough, and it's a great deal closer than being passed between EMTS/Docs/Nurses will be. So the treasure map your heart is working on? Isn't going to be even further away from the X with more professional distance. It will be closer. :) You're working your way there. That's good stuff!

 

[hauntedmosaic]

I can relate to that. People can't actually read your mind. This is something your psychologist and psyc...

You're right. I am seeing my T on Monday, and maybe I can try and write something out about this - If I can muster up the courage to do so.

Yeah I suppose in America - that's what used to happen if you admit thoughts of suicide I think? Here in South Africa, there's more freedom to do so and you aren't necessarily forced to be hospitalised unless you tell mental health professionals you have a specific plan that you are going to carry out. I am quite guilty of downplaying my intentions so they don't contact my parents (which is the most that happens). I am glad you spoke about it with your T though. It must have lifted the load and felt liberating!

I really hope I can garner the courage to tell them asap. Surely it would be better than drowning... which I know is quite painful, yet is still my preferred method.

 

[scout86]

If I can muster up the courage to do so.

I think you can! How do you get along with your T? Dealing with this stuff is part of their job. It's kind of not fair not to let them have the information they need to do it well.

It must have lifted the load and felt liberating!

It did, actually. It helped the relationship in general. Up until then, that bit of information was kind of part of a wall between us that wasn't really helpful. It hasn't been as much of an issue since then but he still brings it up now and then. (Probably because he's pretty sure I won't. LOL)

Let me know how it goes, ok?

 

[hauntedmosaic]

You don't have to be dying to rate love & affection.

Moreover... When you're dying? That's the time...

Thanks so much for your insightful and lovely response. Yes, I do share a close relationship with my T; it's just that I haven't been able to be completely honest with her. And I am worried that if I mention all of these things - she will see it as just another way of me being 'rescued', or she would always view my thoughts as relating to that. But at the same time, I suppose she wouldn't be able to help me if I do not disclose what is really going on.

Yes - I have been told that I will develop friendships and caring relationships. I wish I could get that now though. This need is very strong and I am not sure why it is even there to begin with. It could have something to do with my mom; but at the same time - there is a sexual drive that exists in all of this. Like with my lecturer - I view her as that mother figure that can provide that care; but at the same time, I am sexually attracted to her. I feel ashamed to even feel this way.

I am hoping to get to a better place at some point :) I just wish this need would go away. I was always able to suppress it. But something triggered it this year and it's all spiralling out of control now.

 

[hauntedmosaic]

I think you can! How do you get along with your T? Dealing with this stuff is part of their job. It's ki...

We get along pretty well. She's so good at what she does. At the same time - There's a bit of an irritated vibe that I get from her (counter-transference). Not that I blame her, I am a difficult client in general ;) But I suppose it exists because I haven't been completely honest with her and she's probably confused as to what exactly is going on.

I am glad you broke down those walls. And glad you aren't considering it anymore :) Sometimes, even when we get out of this abyss, suicidal thoughts are just kind of a bad habit I guess. I've always had it since forever. I think it really got activated overtly in the past month. Thank you for your concern, I will most definitely keep you posted throughout the way :)

 

[Friday]

Yes - I have been told that I will develop friendships and caring relationships. I wish I could get that now though.

True, that.

There are times when every damn cell in my body wants to feel a heartbeat under my finger tips, to rub my face against stubble, to feel someone breathing against me, to hold & be held. There are times when I can almost smell my son's hair, or almost feel the hand of a friend in my own.

There's a quote that kicks around the site from time to time:

Depression and trauma are disconnective disorders. They do not improve in isolation. To fix them you have to be connected to others.

I would say part of wanting to be connected? Is part of good progress. Of getting better. Even if it comes from a dark place, it's trying to head in the right direction.

***

As a kid? You had an idea of what might work. Even then, trying to connect. But children's dreams, while pure in form, don't often work in reality. But the pureness of the strength in the wanting, makes them difficult to let go of. I think, maybe, the trick is in letting go of the child's idea of how to get from A to B, and see that its A-B that actually matters. Put a grown-up "how to get there" in play.

 

[kona355]

@hauntedmosaic - I too just joined this forum and have already been helped, big time. How? By the power of feeling like a part of other's encouragement, their struggles, and the honesty in the threads by which I found myself connected to. Please know that you have a lot to offer just in being yourself on this site.
I had no intention of ever writing, just to read the threads and glean whatever hope I can. But reading your post this morning moved me to write you. The replies of scout86 and Fridayjones are spot on for what my own experiences have been with suicidal depression and the never-ending coping skills I need to survive.
I hope you will give yourself permission to go on another day. I have spent long periods of time just stringing the days together only five minutes at a time, all the while looking for something good to come up. This is where Friadayjones' encouragement to seek after the good you want and need is so very good counsel.
It seems that in reading through several threads, everyone is being battered about and under pressure. So it is with amazement that I have read about all the survival going on, every day, and being shared. I think I've found a home here, where friends are. Will you stay alive and continue to share your life, here among friends?

 

[hauntedmosaic]

True, that.

There are times when every damn cell in my body wants to feel a heartbeat under my fing...

I completely understand that feeling. It is so overpowering at times. And it doesn't help that none of those needs can be fulfilled... in the now atleast. But I suppose it doesn't mean that it won't come :)

I agree, it is definitely part of being connected - not just to others but to our very own feelings that come with the depression and trauma. I wish I could feel though... All I ever feel is indifferent towards the trauma and sexual abuse I had to endure as a child.I suppose it's better than breaking down... But I feel like I may never be able to truly grieve and get over it if I don't. Even if I feel it isn't affecting me now. Those things never truly go away.