Sexual Assault My Brain Is So Obsessed With Rape

[Deleted member 27340]

Like I will write the word over and over and over again in both my languages and both the alphabets I know (Norwegian and English, the Latin alphabet and runes/elder Futhark) until it's written so many times over and over you can't tell what it says, it's just a bunch of lines on top of each other. I'll write it on my arms and have carved it into my skin before and I have images in my head and I think of it all the time. When I walk somewhere my head makes up a scenario of where someone could come jumping out from to assault me or kidnap me, and because of this I usually look for the best escape route wherever I am. At night and on a dark road away from people that I have to walk on to get to the bus stop I usually keep a knife ready in my sleeve, I do that when walking other places too. Even if I don't keep it up and out (it's a pocket knife), I always keep it in my pocket and have also thought about buying myself one that is easier to flip out so that it can be pulled out of my pocket and opened faster.

I get disturbing images and a really bad taste in my mouth frequently accompanies a lot of these things. I remembered nothing until about a year ago, when bad things started flowing non-stop in my brain and eventually led to an OD in February this year. I'm part denying all of it, part trying to forget it, part desperately wishing to remember everything and desperately needing to know exactly what happened with some more reliable evidence than my memory (which I do not trust, at all). Since I started getting memories back I've been drifting between denial and "this happened to me - it was real and I don't want to think about it". There are some threads on here where I describe things and if I could I'd delete them because I don't want it to exist.

I just don't know what to do because I've actually gone pretty long now with not too much of this madness in my mind, and now it's spinning out of control again and I'm afraid I'll try to take my own life again - for the first time in my life I actually trust people when they say that it'd devastate my family, because the foster family I'm in now are so caring people and my foster mother is an extremely emotional person. I still just want my mind to stop... So I smoke cigarettes and not too long ago I purchased more scalpel blades from the art store. But it's not enough and I want it to go away. What do I do? I don't even want to say the memories are real, I tell myself I'm a liar and that I can't tell anyone else because then I'm lying to them.

 

[scout86]

I don't even want to say the memories are real, I tell myself I'm a liar and that I can't tell anyone else because then I'm lying to them.

You're kind of painting yourself in to a corner there, way more than is necessary.

Our brains are capable of entertaining many types of thoughts. Some are accurate memories, some are interpretations of events that may not be factually correct by they are real enough that we respond to them like there are real, some are just thoughts that come from some place deeper, seemingly at random, and for reasons that are hard to sort out. Probably other possibilities as well.

I think it would help if you had someone (like a GOOD therapist) to discuss this stuff with. Are you still in therapy? Sometimes things are really hard to sort out without a trustworthy outside perspective. What ever these thoughts are, they are causing you a problem and you will be better off if you deal with the problem. You're not "lying" is you say you don't know, or don't want to believe, or what ever. A lie is something told with the intent of misleading. A story told to illustrate a point isn't a lie, even if it didn't happen. That's a parable. Or a fable. Something that you believe, but is incorrect, isn't a lie, it's a mistake. Not the same thing at ALL.

If these are memories, however bad, they are memories of something you SURVIVED. (I have a few like that. Even knowing that, they still creep me out and I'd still rather ignore them. I get that this is a difficult concept.)

My suggestion would be to talk to someone there. Or show them this post. It's hard, from a distance, to deal with "real vs not real". Talk about it here in more detail, if you think that would help.

As far as being aware of your surroundings and having a plan goes, that makes total sense to me! Just be aware that any weapon you bring to a fight CAN, sometimes, be used against you. Not saying don't do it, just be aware of that too.

Stay safe! I've missed you around here!

 

[The Albatross]

Sounds like obsessive compulsion to me.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

You're kind of painting yourself in to a corner there, way more than is necessary.

I probably am. I think I tend to be really harsh on myself for no obvious reason else than that I'm not too fond of my own presence. When I look in the mirror it's a bit like I'm saying hello to a person I've kept seeing in town but never talked to. I don't know myself at all. If there were two of me and I were to introduce myself to myself and say a little bit about me I'd have no idea what to say except quoting everybody else.

I think I just stopped trusting myself entirely, so now I doubt everything my mind comes up with. I say I have an attention problem, then I'll both think that that's true and that I'm finding excuses for being lazy. I'm not really in therapy anymore, currently I have some appointments with my old therapist but that's only because she is testing me for ADHD. The testing process is almost done, though, so I guess I'll stop seeing her after that.

I've never had the chance to choose therapist so finding a good one is kind of hard, and finding a good one for me is also very hard because of that. At the office for children's and adolescents' psychiatry the different psychologists are just set up to different regions I think. You basically just get assigned one and then you stick to that one. A friend of mine had one, then she moved and they wanted to change it to the therapist covering the region she moved to, but she refused to. Anyway, every single session I ever had with my therapist was just me sitting there checking the clock and wanting to leave because the conversations were so dead and I didn't want to stay. I got literally nothing out of it, it just felt like she talked about something entirely different than what I needed to talk to and never really listened to my requests to shift the topic to something I needed to express at that point. And it didn't feel like she understood anything either, she was just there being annoying. I never even wanted to be there, but I had to because my father blamed family issues on my problems and I needed to fix those problems of mine for things to work between me and him so he sent me to therapy.

I know I should talk to someone and work through it but I don't have anyone to go to that I feel I can actually talk to. And the therapist I had was specialised in EMDR, but that's not something I wanted to do and she just... doesn't fit. I don't like her.

I was really sure they were memories before. Things in terms of triggers and associations support that. And then my periods of having less symptoms (I've asked about that in chat before and apparently it's normal to have little symptoms - lots of symptoms and just change back and forth like that) make me think it's all bullshit. And then when I try to think about the different things I hit myself and tell myself to stop making things up and stop thinking about it. And I get like... flashback like things. It's scary to call it flashbacks because then it has to be a memory and ugh.

My suggestion would be to talk to someone there. Or show them this post. It's hard, from a distance, to deal with "real vs not real". Talk about it here in more detail, if you think that would help.

I don't know who I could talk to. And detail is hard too :(

As far as being aware of your surroundings and having a plan goes, that makes total sense to me! Just be aware that any weapon you bring to a fight CAN, sometimes, be used against you. Not saying don't do it, just be aware of that too.

Yeah I'm really aware of that. It's also a source of fear.

Sounds like obsessive compulsion to me.

How?

 

[scout86]

I wish you lived here. I think you'd like my T and I know he'd like you.

It doesn't sound like they have a very good system there. You might want to bring this up with one or both of your foster parents though. They sound like good people who will want to help. It would be good to give them the chance.

I think I tend to be really harsh on myself for no obvious reason else than that I'm not too fond of my own presence.

There are a lot of reasons a person might be unfairly harsh with themselves. It a weird way, it gives you some control over a situation that you might not feel you can control any other way. Sometimes I do it because I'm sure that someone else will and it feels better somehow if I beat them to it. Sometimes you might think you really do deserve it. But in all of that, a person can be wrong too. And, for me at least, sometimes it's hard to know if I'm being reasonable or not. One of the good things about my T is that he'll tell me, one way or the other. PTSD messes up your perspective sometimes and it's really hard, in the middle of something, to know how accurate your thinking IS.

If there were two of me and I were to introduce myself to myself and say a little bit about me I'd have no idea what to say except quoting everybody else.

Well said! I know the feeling. (But I hate looking in the mirror!)

I was really sure they were memories before.

My T likes to use stories to make his point. (Maybe because he's noticed it works.) He told me about a guy who served in Vietnam. He had been torturing himself for years about a situation where he killed someone and felt he was wrong in doing so. He really didn't remember the incident clearly, but had been told by his superiors what happened and had been blamed for the incident. In therapy, my T had him go back and visualize the incident again. As the were working through it, he remembered details he'd forgotten. Eventually they realized that the incident COULDN'T have happened the way he'd been told. He'd been used as a scapegoat by his "superiors". But that memory was real to him, all those years. It tormented him and caused him PTSD. Knowing a more accurate version of the truth helped him a lot.

So, memories can be tricky, but when they are as disturbing as the thoughts you're having, it doesn't exactly matter if they actually happened or not. Your BRAIN thinks it happened.

Any chance you can get your brain to change the subject when this starts? Sooner or later it's probably going to be good to deal with it directly, but maybe that will need to wait until you can find a therapist you can really work with.

And then when I try to think about the different things I hit myself and tell myself to stop making things up and stop thinking about it.

I don't think you're making things up. People who do that aren't bothered by it and don't question themselves like you're doing. If you were the kind of person who made stuff up, you'd be telling us stories about all kinds of things, trying to get us to believe you. But you're not. You're beating yourself up over it instead.

I don't know who I could talk to. And detail is hard too

You don't have to start with details. You could start just by telling your foster parents that you're having disturbing thoughts and don't know what to do about it. There's plenty of time to go into details once you find a therapist you're comfortable with, or at least someone where you feel safe sharing the information. I think it's good to be cautious. All therapists aren't created equal and some people have a hard time handling this stuff. Talking to the wrong person at the wrong time can do more harm than good. But, at least, maybe you should share that stuff is bothering you and you don't know what to do.

For what it's worth, I'd be REALLY surprised if you actually were a liar, or lazy, or anything like that. (Being lazy is one to the things I accuse myself of being too. Something I've noticed is that, if you're depressed, it's hard to get motivated. When you're not, it's much different. Doesn't make you lazy! Just means sometimes you're not feeling very good.)

Ms Spock started a really good thread on "cognitive distortions". You might want to check it out. It's very good and this is a very common problem. The thread is something you might find helpful.

 

[Stickler]

Ok...first: see how your body and emotions feel...if the " stuff " is true and you are making nothing up.

Then...: see how your body/emotions feel if you are making it all up.

...The thing is, disbelief is defense. So disbelief is ok. Normal. I get new memories and I go back and forth about believing them for a while.

You have a lot of other stuff on your plate. You apparently can't request and get a trauma specialist...you could really use a trauma specialist T. So...hmm...keep dumping your head out to us?

 

[RussH]

At night and on a dark road away from people that I have to walk on to get to the bus stop I usually keep a knife ready in my sleeve, I do that when walking other places too. Even if I don't keep it up and out (it's a pocket knife), I always keep it in my pocket and have also thought about buying myself one that is easier to flip out so that it can be pulled out of my pocket and opened faster.

I completely agree with you about carrying some protection. The only thing I would add would be to take some self-defense classes and learn how to use it, so it is not used against you.

Also you might want to check and see what the laws are concerning what kind of knifes you can carry legally.

 

[The Albatross]

So you did not participate in your therapy sessions and just timed them out? Even feeling like your T didn't hear you is a basis to initiate discussion. Instead of getting a choice, your preference... you're sabotaging yourself by not engaging with the one you have.

How? By the repetitive and compulsive behavior of your ritual of righting the word "rape".

 

[Stickler]

I never even wanted to be there, but I had to because my father blamed family issues on my problems and I needed to fix those problems of mine for things to work between me and him so he sent me to therapy.

Uh...re-read, and this caught my eye. Since your dad's kind of an angry, abusive jerk, right? This could be why that therapy didn't work...
"I'm broke, fix her?!".
So that therapist, I guess, was supposed to make you more obedient or something like that?
Not really help you.
So you got lectured.
...did I guess right?

 

[Anarchy]

I did wonder, back when you wrote about the dream with the guy with the hot glue gun. I Didn't want to say at the time.

With the intrusive memories, and images, can you create some distance and barriers to contain them in your head.

If the image is colour, imagine putting it on a crappy old small screen TV set.

Sit the imaginary tV on the ground or a rock, somewhere peaceful and safe, think of it in good weather.

If the image is still too strong, make it black and white, and really crackly.

You have the remote control for the TV. You can pause, anytime. You can turn it off. You can even throw rocks at it, throw it over a cliff, or shoot it.

Once you get the intrusive memories safely contained, you can experiment with letting them play.

You seem to have really strict standards for your self, the sort that someone with your abilities is likely to rebel against.

Can you be forgiving towards your self?

What do you use SH for? To ground? To make pain physical as well as mental?

 

[The Albatross]

Good point @ Stickler, I forget too sometimes the age of participants here.

 

[The Albatross]

Alternate theory could be normalizing the word til it has reduced emotional power... but it was the obsessive/compulsive thing that jumped out at me first. This bit though is way over the top and would rule out "normalizing the word" for me... "I'll write it on my arms and have carved it into my skin before and I have images in my head and I think of it all the time." Writing it on your arms... no big whoop but cutting it into your skit combined with the "thinking of it all the time", eh that's maladaptive and a problem.