Welcome to the forums! glad you are here. It does seem clear that you are suffering quite a bit since this accident.
Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? Or do you suspect you have PTSD based on the anxiety, depression, and other symptoms you describe here? Was this accident life threatening?
Is the trauma the accident or the development of the scar? This seems to be more about the scar.
You do have very real and very serious mental health symptoms that have developed after this accident. PTSD is a very specific set of clinical symptoms that result from very specific kinds of trauma. There are many mental health conditions that can be triggered by trauma, not just PTSD.
I have no history of major depression or bdd
By "bdd" do you mean Body Dysmorphic Disorder? (This is an international forum, and it helps when people avoid acronyms.)
If it was a therapist that suggested you had BDD, that may warrant some further consideration, and maybe even a good solid second opinion to see if this is BDD or PTSD or something else. If it is BDD, that doesn't mean your suffering or the horror of this accident is any less. It's a real thing. Most of what you describe are very classic symptoms of BDD, including the suicidal thinking. BDD can be started by trauma, just like many other conditions, and is an obession with the way someone looks, and BDD can be so severe it can include self isolation, sucidial thinking, depression, anxiety, ect. It's an AWFUL condition to suffer from.
Your revisiting of the accident seems like it's really the revisiting of how this scar formed, and a fear of judgement for having the scar. People with PTSD more typically revisiting an event where and focus on the fact that death or assault was witnessed or threatened - and have robust fears of it happening again, the threat of future left threatening harm. People with PTSD can be concerned about judgement from others, but it usually takes on a different focus. It's not usually about identity being wrapped up in looks and the threat or reality of losing a physical appearance based identity.
I think about suicide everyday to end the pain, but I'm too scared to die so I don't think I'll act on it. I've isolated myself from almost everyone and feel myself getting sicker and sicker everyday (both mentally and physically). I am becoming exactly what I feared the most, a crazy agoraphobic cat lady who no longer cares about my appearance and will be single for the rest of my life. I've tried therapy and it doesn't help. Therapy can't bring back my face.
If you go to therapy with the goal of having the scar be gone, then you are absolutely right, therapy will fail. Nothing can take away the fact that the accident happened and you have a scar on your face now.
But, that's not the end of the story, unless you choose for it to be the end. You can still live a very full life, and it's very concerning that you don't believe you can, and apparently also judge others with scars so badly.
When I used to see someone with scars or disfigurement, I would feel sorry and initially shy away from them. Or I would always subconsciously associate the scar/disfigurement with them. It's just human nature.
This problem, this erroneous inaccurate association that good looks = worth of a person, and bad looks = person is someone to shy away from, and the impact of it on your life and relationships has actually existed before this accident. It has merely come to the surface more overtly because you now have a scar too.
You are assuming others think like you do. I don't think like you do. You are not in my head, and you are not in the heads of most the people around you. There doesn't seem to be much or any evidence they are thinking like you do, and it's unfair to them to assume everyone will shy away from you simply because you have a scar.
Even if this rooted in your subconcious, that's exactly the kinds of thing therapy is great at addressing. You can build a new association that is much more accurate, that most people do not actually judge others so harshly for having scars like yours.
If you go to therapy with the goal of getting a handle on the depression, anxiety, self isolation, suicidal thinking, low self esteem, and etc, then therapy can do a lot of good and will likely change your entire life around.
If you have PTSD, then it would be normal and expected for symptoms to get worse for awhile after starting therapy. It's not a quick fix. It may also take two or three tries (or more) to find the right therapist and to find the type of therapy that will work for you.
The scar is what prohibits me from leaving my house and living a normal life. It has completely consumed me and broken me down. I am like a prisoner in my own body and the scar is the first thing I see every time it look in the mirror.
People with a variety of mental health conditions, including but not limited to PTSD, can have distorted thinking. You are attributing power to the scar that it does not have.
Family and friends have been incredibly unsupportive. I get "it could have been so much worse", "you're lucky to be alive", "don't you think you're overreacting", "you've got bdd", "you're acting like Michael Jackson", "you're vain and a narcissist", "quit being a depressive weirdo", "why don't you just snap out of it," "you're still beautiful, but I wouldn't want it on my face". the list goes on and on.
Your pain is real. You are clearly suffering from some real mental health symptoms and very real pain, and these comments seem to be totally missing how much anguish you are in. I'm so sorry they were said to you. If only things like depression and anxiety, even bdd fueled depression and anxiety, could be cured by "just snapping out of it"! ugh. That's awful they said it to you.
The comments that you report are more evidence that the thinking of others is not the same as yours. You believe the scar is stopping you. The scar is destroying your life. Others are reacting to the scar. I know the scar is awful, it is a big loss, but it doesn't affect others thinking about you like it affects your thinking about you.
People seem willing to give you very harsh and awful feedback, even incredibly inappropriate and hurtful feedback, but no one is saying
the scar is something they don't like about you now after the accident. Instead it's how you act, your behavior, that they seem upset with.
Do you notice that in what everyone has said (that you have written about here) no one is saying to you, "gosh I don't want to be around you because of that scar." If someone has said that, I am sure you would have written about those comments even more, but you didn't. It's what you fear and assume people think, but people who are willing to be pretty honest and frank with you are not saying they are thinking this. They are not put off or shying away from you due to the scar.
The impact of this accident on you has been very real and very devastating, and you need to get some treatment for the impact it has had on you and the way you see yourself and the world around you.
I was just very happy with how my face and skin looked. It was my identity.
This makes sense as to why you were so shaken. If your looks were you identity, it makes sense that you feel so very awful now to have your very sense of who you are taken away.
But you, the real you that has been there all along is not lost. It's not. PTSD or not, you are still there - the you that exists beyond how you look. You are worth a lot of love and acceptance,
no matter how you look. I hope you find people here and offline who can accept you for who you are, and encourage you in healthy and compassionate and understanding ways on your journey to recover from what has happened to you.
I am glad you are reaching out. I hope you find some comfort here and reconsider therapy, especially since you are thinking of suicide. It's really hard to endure these thoughts and feelings alone.
