Some Advice Over A Festive Difficulty

[sleepingwolf]

Hey guys,

I'm looking for any advice on a difficulty coming up, so I can make my mind up what to do. I'll put the background and problem below.

I'm 27, have cptsd and am a freeze type. I currently have no contact with my parents or any of my family. I suffered all abuses from my family growing up, and am currently slowly working through it all. I haven't had any contact with my parents for almost 2 years now. My mother is often sociopathic and my father was often psychotic with rage, but in recent years looked more like a damp match. They both deny all of what happened, and my mother frequently tried to convince me I was 'mad' and unwell. She still texts and emails me, even though I have told her to stop many times. She is still in contact with their friends, who also knew me, and I'm guessing she's saying 'my son is mad/unwell' as the story of why I'm not in their lives.

I recently moved home and haven't told them my new address, as my Mother kept sending me things in the post, postcards and letters about rubbish they had been up to. I work for myself, and so have had to update my addresses online, which will no doubt be relatively easy to find out with a little prying and searching from my Mother.

She text me the other day saying some rubbish about what they have been up to, and that they are coming to the town I now live, for New Year. The town I live is actually the town I was born in (but left when I was 5-6 years old), and so my parents have lived and spent some of their life in this area. I moved out of coincidence as my partner got a job here, and it felt like a positive symbolic move. My Mother has said she and my father are coming to the town where I live 'to meet old friends and be just like old times'. Well...bullshit frankly.

So Im not too sure what to do. I've had some thoughts.

- Break my silence with them and tell them to stay away
- Stay indoors over the New Years and just wait it out
- Just do whatever and live my life, and continue to not contact them

Any thoughts welcome!

Thanks

 

[Ironlady]

I personally would go with the third option but I would just wait and see how your feeling as that day arrives closer and follow your gut instinct based upon how strong your feeling that day. I wouldn't make contact if your wanting to remain no contact. If you mother won't leave you alone even now I doubt she would honor your request to stay away.

 

[Intrepid]

Parental denial made it really hard to have contact. My brothers didn't like it though. But they were in denial too. It wasn't until my mom started getting honest with what happened that I could really make time for her. My advice, if she is in denial of what she did, it to keep a distance. Be the best person you can be, and let them struggle with their own demons.

So, I like this one:

Just do whatever and live my life, and continue to not contact them

 

[digger]

Do you have plans for going out at New Year already? How likely are you to cross paths if you do?
If you don't already have concrete plans for New Year, and the risk of seeing them is likely to ruin your night, then I'd give some thought to coming up with something that means that is unlikely to happen.

If it wouldn't upset you - if you think you would just be able to ignore them if it happened, then don't change your plans for them.

I personally wouldn't break your no contact over this, in fact I'd guess that's the purpose of it, to try and hook you into responding in some way.

 

[VioletButterfly]

If you don't want contact with your parents in a very finite way, why don't you block their calls/texts? Also, can you not get a PO box? I'm unsure of how the postal system works in GB, but in the US we can do that. At least they wouldn't have your physical address. As far as the cards/letters, throw them in the bin and let it go. "No" means "No." Do you want to cut off all contact, really? This is all coming from a place of where I have been with my mother and still am with my sister, so I am not trying to sound harsh, but, to just let you know that there are options and that this is YOUR life and you make decisions that affect you, not your mother.

As far as New Years, I like option 3 that you noted, but am also sensitive to how you might react if you run across them during the evening. I have this same fear when it comes time for my mother's funeral - I DO NOT want to have any contact with my sister. This is going to happen in the not-to-distant future (she has Alzheimer's so we're looking at 5 or so years), so I've given some thought to it. If I find myself alone, as I am now, I will be taking a body-guard with me. I know that I need protection from my caustic sister's personality and projections. I know that sounds extreme, but support is support. Will you be going out alone or will you have support around you? Something to consider, perhaps, depending upon the enmeshment you have with your parents and what that does to you mentally/emotionally.

You know best where you are at psychologically, and you sound very thoughtful and in touch, so as the time draws closer, you will most likely see clearly what is best for you. I wish you the best and hope it all works out for you. VB