Relationship Does It Get Better?

[Iwanttolovehim63]

So I'm new to this but reading all these posts has helped me a lot. I thought I'd see if I could get some advice on my own relationship though. My boyfriend suffers from combat PTSD. When I first met him, he was very emotional. He would open up to me more and more though and try and talk about it. I always supported him and listened to him. He told me early on that I should leave because he is emotionally unavailable and I was naive and thought everything was going to be fine because he trusted me enough to open up to me. He would tell me that it was scary that he felt so much for me when he was used to feeling numb and I didn't really understand what he meant by that till now. We had an amazing relationship for about eight months. I helped him stop drinking and he slowly stopped crying every night to me. He seemed to get better. However, he was moving. This plan was set in stone before we met so there was no way I was going to stop him. When he moved, he asked me to move down to him so a few months later, I did. It was very impulsive and we were probably moving to fast but oh well, I am here now. Mind you, I'm 21 years old and he is 25. He just got out of the army. When I first moved in with him (away from everything and everyone I know) everything was still perfect. But then he started working and going to school and it instantly changed. He said he was stressed all the time. He started just coming home and sitting on the couch and withdrawing from everything. And it's just gotten worse. He's just emotionally unavailable. He doesn't really even talk to me anymore. It's like living with a roommate, not a boyfriend. It's almost as if his body is hollow and he doesn't feel anything. I try talking to him about it but he just gets irritated. He's no longer cuddly or affectionate and our sex life has basically ended as well. He stopped going to the gym and running and things like that too. He just hangs out with his friends on the weekends and we spend little time together. I know I shouldn't take this personally if it is his PTSD but it's difficult not to. Basically, I'm not sure if he's over our relationship or if he's just depressed and withdrawn. Have any of you felt like this? He tells me it's just a phase he goes through sometimes ever since deployment but it's been months now. He's nothing like the man I fell in love with. He asked me to move back home to save our relationship but now that I'm considering it, he keeps telling me he wants me to stay. I told him I can be patient and I can wait this phase out but I feel like it'll never end. He tells me he's trying to get better but I don't think he is as he said he refuses to get help by seeing a therapist or even just talking to other vets with PTSD. I'm just very young still dealing with something I don't quite understand and I don't know if I can spend my life trying to make him happy. I don't mean to sound selfish, but it just feels awful to constantly be rejected by the man you love. Is there anything I can do to help? Will this phase ever end? Any advice would be amazing.
Also sorry this post is so long!

 

[Sighs]

Has he been diagnosed with PTSD?

You know what they say - if nothing changes then nothing changes. If he is not prepared to at least TRY then it will not improve.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Short answers.

There is nothing you can do to help. Absolutely nothing. You can be supportive and patient, but you can't help him with his PTSD. That is all on him.

It may be a phase, or it may not be. It could be forever. Even those of us who have been with our sufferers for years never know if it is "just a rough patch" or a new normal.

All you can do is take a deep breath and decide if you can have a healthy relationship with a sufferer if this is what it includes. It may always be like this. If you decide that you can, then it is time to educate yourself on PTSD and how to be a good supporter in a way that is healthy for you and him.

 

[Livy's Mom]

There is nothing you can do to help. Absolutely nothing. You can be supportive and patient, but you can't help him with his PTSD. That is all on him

This is likely the most important information/advice you will ever receive on this forum and from my own personal experience sometimes takes the longest to believe and practice.

I believe if two people are committed to their own individual growth and development and can support each other through a valley and or abyss from time to time then it's worth the fight.

Sometimes it's rainbows and butterflies and then sometimes it's mosquitos and a shit ton of wasps.

Truthfully it's a lot of of mosquitos and wasps... But that's just me being bitter today.

 

[Iwanttolovehim63]

Thank you for your replies.
Yes, he has been diagnosed with PTSD and went to therapy for a few months but didn't like the therapist. So instead of finding a new therapist, he just quit which is so frustrating but I can't force him to go. He just doesn't think it'll help. It's been really hard.
I am going to continue to try and support him the best I can but it's hard because I don't really know how to at this point. He wants his space but that's also hard to do because we live together. I'm trying to learn how to work with his PTSD and hopefully I'll be able to just be a good supporter and maybe he will get some help eventually.

 

[Panda Bear]

I don't know if I can spend my life trying to make him happy

You can't, and you won't be able to fulfill that role, it's not yours to fill. Even in typical relationships, you can't make a person happy...they have to want it, find it, fight for it and be responsible for maintaining it.

It's a tough journey....

He has to be responsible for him and if he can't start that journey, you certainly won't make a difference either.

In a 20yr relationship, I destroyed my husband and my children. To the breaking point. My husband needlessly suffered.....my kids...oh lord.

Supporting a sufferer is f*cking hard....even the most skillful partner will struggle.

 

[shimmerz]

He just hangs out with his friends on the weekends

This doesn't fit. When I am in PTSD withdrawal mode, I don't hang out with friends. I am self isolating. So, to me, and this is just my opinion, this is something beyond a PTSD thing.

I have a spouse. No idea how he deals with me, but he does. However.... and this is important. I absolutely take my healing incredibly seriously. For him. It sounds like you are giving what you can.... patience, time, love, etc, and that is not being honoured by him doing what he needs to do to get healthy for YOU.

 

[Iwanttolovehim63]

That's what I find weird too. He can hang out with his friends but not me? At the same time, he's very into rock climbing and that's what they do. I understand why he hangs out with them as they're his old army buddies and I think it's easier for him to talk to them sometimes. Plus rock climbing is a huge stress reliever so I think the physical activity is good for him. Especially since he has stopped going to the gym which used to be a big stress reliever for him too. I just wish he would take this seriously and try to get help. He's just always tired and stressed and doesn't want to do anything unless it's climbing on the weekends.
Reading all your posts has already made me realize that he needs to get professional help for anything to work. Maybe I can talk to him about it again but he gets very upset when I bring it up. I just want more than anything for this to work and help him and support him so we can get through this but I don't think it'll ever end.

 

[Sighs]

So... they are not "friends" they are his brothers in arms. They get him like no civilian ever will. Also they are rock climbing. Not sitting around talking about their feelings. He can hang (literally) with the lads and there is no pressure. No risk of him upsetting them.

But... is that ok? Are you happy? Its ok for you to have needs too.

PTSD never "ends". But it can be managed. Sometimes it goes pretty well for a while. Othertimes not so well for a while. Its one hell of a roller coaster and you are very young to be on it. Its ok to decide that you have to get off before the ride makes you sick.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Friday]

So his stress level is thru the roof (new living situation, new job, new school, new GF)... And he's quit doing everything that helps him manage it / lower stress (daily gym, drinking*, sex, etc.)... And he's isolating in response to that.

That? That particular damn pattern is most likely here to stay. Too much stress and we shut down (isolate) or blow up. Just as a PTSD rule of thumb.

Meeting up with vets to go weekly rock climbing :D Is the only thing (but a huge thing!!!) that gives me some real hope here. Rock climbing is serious exercise (bleeds stress, and is very "grounding" / have to be present for), the weekly bit is serious routine building, other vets is connecting with people at a gut level who grok you... All good things. Very good things. Things which will start building stability into his life and bleeding stress out, until he ain't so f*cking overwhelmed.

If it were me... It would take a few months for the effects to start to trickle down into the rest of my life, and I'd be very "edgy" during that time period. Almost anything can set me back; I get super protective "I can't talk about this now / can't think about this now", hardcore isolation in other areas until the trickle down is solid enough, sure enough, that I can count on being "me" ... But everyone has their own patterns & time frames.

If you haven't read this yet:
The Ptsd Cup Explanation

* All of those things (and many others) can be taken to extremes. Exercise to the point of self harm, alcohol abuse / addiction, acting out sexually. They all (and many others) help lower stress levels, but the consequences can be far worse than the stress without them. Not saying now that he's quit drinking that he "should" be drinking. Far from. Just that it can take some time to replace unhealthy coping mechanisms with healthy ones.

 

[Friday]

Reading all your posts has already made me realize that he needs to get professional help for anything to work. Maybe I can talk to him about it again but he gets very upset when I bring it up.

Just a note on this part... Even with good professional help... Things get worse for awhile. Trauma therapy is not like other forms of therapy where you leave feeling better. In fact, most of the good trauma therapists I know of won't even touch you until you're stable... Because any kind of instability can very quickly equal homeless/jobless/divorce... And full-on inpatient treatment necessary. Unless you're so unstable there's no other choice. Your life is completely f*cked anyway, so let's either get you in a residential program & start over from the beginning, or plan on that being a probable thing. There just seem to be "sweet spots" when dealing with Trauma. Getting someone to a sweet spot, if you missed the initial "this just happened" window, seems to be half the battle.

Add in dealing with the VA??? OMFG. That's a stress unto itself.

Does he need therapy? Probably. But it's not stupid to put it off for awhile until he's more secure in his life (gotten school & work balanced, shored up his friendships & his relationship with you, etc.), and is in a place where he can handle dealing with dark & heavy shit that has the potential to seriously f*ck him up for awhile.

 

[Panda Bear]

Things get worse for awhile. Trauma therapy is not like other forms of therapy where you leave feeling better

Thank you for remembering this!

Been in therapy for close to 4yrs. It's been HELL for the past 18m. Week after week of constant work and beatings, one nervous breakdown back in March.... Of this year. Yeah, Fiday is right. I wasn't even touchable in regards to trauma till last fall.