Childhood How Do I...

[lostforgottensoul]

Maybe you need to let the little girl rest for a bit.

Maybe but something inside of me, just an instinct tells me i have to grieve her, i dont know what or why. My therapist asked me why i thought that and i said "i dont know, just something tells me im supposed to and should

 

[Rumors]

You were 6 or 7 as you remember? Do you have kids? A younger sibling? Imagine what you would say to your child if they endured the same fate. You deserve to grieve because the child that you should have been, you know the one who finger paints and laughs at bubbles, was taken from you. When she died you never gave yourself the opportunity to feel sad that she didn't get an opportunity to live life without worry and fear. That is why you grieve. You grieve for what was lost. You grieve for the light that was lost in that little girl. Imagine what she could have been? I grieve for her....

 

[Chava]

more of a habitual never stopped aelf aoothing behavior but theres no doubt theres a split which is why i asked about DID and my therapist said possible very mildly but he isnt sure yet since im aware they are there, no longer have names, no one really "takes over" if you will; its more emotional type of thing

I have some totally aware younger versions of myself (like I don't lose time, I don't feel these as separate identities but different emotional/age sorts of states). I don't have DID. I think there is a spectrum of this sort of splitting common with complex longterm trauma.

For me being able to do the childish self-soothing stuff was actually a good step!! I was cut off from even feeling need for soothing. It was all numb or angry. Nothing else. If you notice need for self soothing and can respond in a healthy way (teddy bears are healthy), that's really good. I used to get totally drunk to shut myself off. I still need sleeping meds. But I have a couple stuffed animals, too. I asked my therapist if I could look at one in her office. She offered to get it for me but I wanted to go get it for myself...took the whole hour and was oddly super painful. But that's how I learned to allow myself even a teddy bear. It feels good to hold something close like that.

I don't even consider it a separate part or childish version of myself (concept just doesn't jive with me, though I have felt some body parts as separate or disconnected). It's simply where I'm at and in the case of stuffed animals, that's a good thing for me. Not destructive. We all start caring for ourselves somewhere. Basic self-soothing is so important and I missed those skills forever (smoking helped but I also quit that)

 

[UnKnown-Self]

but something inside of me, just an instinct tells me i have to grieve her, i dont know what or why

First, I want to say I totally believe the most important thing is for you to do what you KNOW to be the right thing. It's your survival and your journey.

I often just "know" things in regards to my system, when I'm with the current T and she asks me a question, the answer will come to me without too much pondering. It's not a conversation or debate like I do have sometimes it's more of an answer being revealed to me. Anyway!

My heart goes out to both you and your little girl. I admire how hard you are working to try and figure things out.
Most of my memories are currently kept from me. That you recall as much as you do and still function as well as you do is an incredible sign of amazing strength and courage. Take the time to look in the mirror and tell yourself that, often!

I understand grieving to be for loss. Your lost childhood, innocence and oh, so much more.

Your little girl is still very much alive. She bears a lot of pain and fear to say the least but she is still there every night.

i loose no time or awareness, but i have that fear, terror i had as a child, have to curl up with my way over used old teddy bear named Wally and suck my thumb

Is it you or your little girl who is curling up with the teddy and sucking her thumb? You might be aware but when you curl up does your body feel like the adult you or the little girl you? Only you know so I am not suggesting, just asking :-)

Maybe, just maybe if its at all possible that it is the little girl you... if you can while still sucking your thumb, use your other hand to gently run your fingers across your forehead, caress your hair and face to sooth both you and the little girl, hum a soothing tune, nothing special just comforting. Just like a good mommy would do to a much loved child. Give comfort to you both, only you can and you both so desperately need and deserve it.

Just a suggestion :shy: nothing more.

Warm Regards,
Alice

 

[UnKnown-Self]

i just reread all your posts. :facepalm: Please know I am not judging you in any way.:hug:

If you want to yell at me and tell me to f*ck off:wideeyed: ... well... that's okay too;)

Alice

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That you recall as much as you do and still function as well as you do is an incredible sign of amazing strength and courage.

My therapist tells me that all of the time. I only fuction cuz i had no choice, it was stay in THAT or leave and thrust into the world at 18 knowing no real life skills. I found my computer love as a teen and fixed my mom's PC when i was 14 cuz she asked me to; i then got punished cuz i could do it and she couldnt; never understood that one; jealousy? Anyway, i went to howstuffworks site (it wont let me post the site) and taught myself most of the programming codes i know; a few other sites as well; i took apart broken PCs and learned how to build one and built mu first desktop when i was 18. Only issue, i never had the chance or the money to go to college and do what i really wanted to (computer forensics as forensic science is my other love; besides art; really all science but eapecially forensics). It takes around $200 for the gest to take the test for just 1 certification; so i could be making way more than i do but no one hirea self taught uncertified people. I know an IT that makws twice the amount i do and he asks me questions. Really? Anyway, back on topic; it was push down, supress it (dont let anyone know) or be homeless. It came out in cutting, addiction, sexual i guess you'd call it free prosritution, or just being a slut. So all im doing in the day is supressing it all, anxiety is bad but other than anxiety is easy to forget it all when im consentrating on fixing people's internet and PC's; im on in here at work. Thats why i think posting after work (like now though its now 1:17am where im at and past my bedtime. What's this aite doing? Late from breaks, forgot to put ice and soda in my drink bottle today, didnt realize i was outside on this site 45 mins of my hr lunch, and takes me past bedtime every night lol)

I dont see myself as strong at all. Actually i refer to myself as weak.

Is it you or your little girl who is curling up with the teddy and sucking her thumb? You might be aware but when you curl up does your body feel like the adult you or the little girl you?

I feel its more the little girl me; though im aware im 34 yrs old, im aware of what i have to do at work; the anger, rage, hatred i feel in the day changes to fear, terror, horror, pain, sadness, loliness, a large longing for love. I refer to these automatic changes as identities cuz thats how it felt but they dont have names anymore. For example; when i was getting the neurostimular trial put in, had NO CLUE it would be two wires that would be placed all the way up my back, the pain was way more than i could handle and i am good with pain as ive been in constant pain since march '09. Anyway, i disassociated, i was back there again, in order to get through it (and lay completely still) i had to bring Brandy back; one identitiy i made up that was the one that got hurt and my body stopped feeling the lain until he hit uo against a nerve that was blockinf him from going the rest of the way up my back and though they had exrays on each side and above me, they couldnt see it. I screamed out and then started saying im sorry for screaming like my life depended on it and refered to my pain dr by my step dad's name (and though they know i have a psychitrist, they dont know about my past and being suicidal or i wouldnt get medications, wouldnt be able to walk thus not being ablw to work). Him and all 3 nurses had to get me out of it and tell them which leg hurt so he knew which nerve it was. They had to say about t times "[insert my name] which lef are you feeling tbat in?" Finally i snapped out of it and told tbem but thay was the one and only time as an adult that i had disassociated like that, brought old identities back. Usually is just more of 1) at work its all pushed away, 2)at vome in the day due to my dad and step mom being there self rage and self hatred and no other feelings can be felt and 3).ar night more of the litrle girl whom can feel some of the feelibgs covered up by the anger and self hatred (i think now if i lives alone the little girl would come out in the day while not at work, she only comes out when alone), before i moved back to my home state; it was easier cuz all of it was pushez down VERY FAR and i kept it there with srugs, cuttinf etc

if you can while still sucking your thumb, use your other hand to gently run your fingers across your forehead, caress your hair and face to sooth both you and the little girl, hum a soothing tune, nothing special just comforting. Just like a good mommy would do to a much loved child.

I have a soft pillow i ruv sometimes and play with my hair sometimes.. i'll try that; not sure i can wifh all the self hatred; i dont deserve love....

i just reread all your posts. :facepalm: Please know I am not judging you in any way.:hug:

If you want to yell at me and tell me to f*ck off:wideeyed: ... well... that's okay too;)

I know you're not judging and id never tell you to eff off! You're very helpful!

Quesrion; where do you get all the smilies? I know a few just by replying fo posts, tou just showed me the facepalm and wideeyed but is there button for them? More options just makes it bigger, still has the post reply, upload file, insert quotes and lets me follow and email opions and if its just for paying thats fine.but.if im missing a button.

Its now 1:55am, almost an hr and a half past my bestime, i take sleeping meds and anxity meds at night along with Wally and my thumb and aeeing double so time for bed

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have some totally aware younger versions of myself (like I don't lose time, I don't feel these as separate identities but different emotional/age sorts of states). I don't have DID. I think there is a spectrum of this sort of splitting common with complex longterm trauma.

Me too! Like maybe emotions moving, sepressing or being shown but the only way i can describe is seperate identities as thats how it feels. I brought up DID to my therapist due to this and out of the blue hearing "loud crowded lunchroom" like noise, not able to pick out a coice, just loud talking noise, getting louder, louder, louder until i want to pull my head off then it stops. Like so demon of ghost f*cking with me lol. It just occured to me the other day that the noise hasnt happened in months; so maybe thats a sign im getting better?

If you notice need for self soothing and can respond in a healthy way (teddy bears are healthy), that's really good.

Yeahbut an adult that sucka their thumb? Not destructive but healthy? I dont know. Its surely embarrising and it took me 4 yrs ro tell my therapist, one of the last things i told him. Ive never and still never do it in front of people. My step mom only knows cuz i had to sleep on the couch for like a yr until i broke down and bought a recliner to put in my room and she gets up 10 million times a night.

Ita 2:35am, i gotta go to bed; this damn aitw lol.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

It's 4:14 am here and I haven't been to sleep yet because I was writing in my private journal and the time got away from me. I will respond tomorrow.

You deserve love @lostforgottensoul and lots of it! There's a vault somewhere with all the love you always deserved piled up and so full, the day you finally open it, it will fill you again and again and again until you are no longer lost forgotten soul but found and full of love soul. That is my dream for you as I take my sleep meds and close my comp.

The emoticons are along the same tool bar as the font B I U Towards the middle. They show up below the text box where you type though :-)

Alice

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It's 4:14 am here and I haven't been to sleep yet because I was writing in my private journa...

You must have seen this a few hrs later cuz im in Eastern time ;) - the emticons AND the font thing must be for only paid nembers cuz indobt have any of that; nothing in the text box and just the ones under to post, preview etc. Thats ok and understandable. I may go paid soon anyway; didnt want want to if mu dad was moving out cuz i was gonna have to cancel my cable and internet and just use an HDMI digital air antenna and netflix (which is the only one i'll pay for); but so far he's staying here so pay just go paid and like pay yr by yr and just cancel it if he moves out. Its not a lot, just if i cant pay for cable or internet, just didnt want to add more; ya know. I may have to ask them to leave if the emtionally and verbally abusive crap doesnt stop but theres work with me and my dad in with my therapist that needs to be done so i hold my step mom's meds in my safe, she now only takes what she's prescribed (though that doesnt stop.an addiction) and (though j should have done it at that moment as if the dr asked for a pill count she wouldnt have what she was supposed to) ive liad out, if shes high one more time, falls asleep on my screen in porch leaving my back door unlocked at night then she will need to move and advised i would be calling her dr and if he wants to keep his head in the sand anout her; he can live somewhere else and do that and i told him (my 74 yr old father) "dad, you are always welcomed to stay with me, even for free, but i wont put up with someone fetting high in my house, i am an addict and i dont have to put up with it!" She admitted to buying 2mg xanax from a neighbor; and i see no anxiety in her, not one bit. I shake, hands trembling, legs shaking and i still wont take one but today, the second my alarm went off, the very second she opened my bedroom door, scared the hell out of me and i dropped my phone. If you are waiting out of my bedroom door and have to open it the second my alarm goes off, theres a problem. I just wont be dealing with that problem.

Rambling again, all i wanted to say is the font and emoticons arent there unless your a prem paying member (if he adds a spell checker button im sure it'll be the same which is understandable) but i can do like the :whatever: which puts the emotion there. Ifbi hit reply i can write them all down and get them all lol. Its not that swrious though lol.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Hi @lostforgottensoul I'm on eastern time too :-)

There were a couple things from your posts last night that kinda struck home for me. I was on my own at 16 years old and I made both bad and good choices.

I only fuction cuz i had no choice

You always have a choice and you have made some strong healthy ones.

I know you want to say but...but... and tell/remind yourself of all the errors in judgment and what you might perceive to be "bad things"

Let's just put all the badness aside for a few moments. Trust me, its not going anywhere.;)

You had lots of choices. Maybe not good ones, maybe ones that were so totally unacceptable they were inconceivable but the very fact that for you, there was no choice but to get out, is strength, courage and wisdom and I applaud you.

Be proud of yourself!

You Got Out!

You did it!

Your bravery and determination got you out of that hell hole.

:stop:No buts.:stop:

You were brave enough to do it.

Now be brave enough to take credit for it.

i never had the chance or the money to go to college

How about a little word play? :-)

Let's change "I never had the chance" to "I haven't had the chance YET."

Don't sell yourself short.

I got my GED in my 20's without going to night school. I did not continue my formal education until I was 44-45 years old. I went part-time and it took me 5 years but I have an Associates Degree in Liberal Arts, GPA 3.49.
It would have been higher but I took a grammar class that was based on sentence structure. I can't tell you without Google the difference between a verb and an adverb and for some reason the work was very triggering for me and I took the F.
I'm also still apologizing for a 3.49 and I have to point out the F.
I still have work to do:shy:

I am now 57 years old and once the dust settles, I'm going for my Bachelor's Degree. I have a lot of details to figure out but it will be in the field of psychology. I want my Master's Degree and a Doctorate if life allows me enough breaths.

The choice is yours.


Wishing you peace,

Alice

 

[ghotiff]

Let's change "I never had the chance" to "I haven't had the chance YET."

Powerful stuff.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

:stop:No buts.:stop:

Haha; you make me laugh! But hey; now i know another smilie i can do w/o paying :stop: i'll remeber them all unless i write em down but still made me laugh!

Let's change "I never had the chance" to "I haven't had the chance YET."

I did not continue my formal education until I was 44-45 years old.

I get all that; computer forensics is a LONG time om school; you need not just your computer science degree and other programmig and networking degrees but also criminal justic dehrees and forenics degrees before ever going for computer forensics (looked it up at FSU once) and that would take at least 8 yrs full time school, part time who knows. So i had decided to go for at least my certifications because ITs are hired w/o a degree, its just harder but at $200 a test and needing several, thats rough. The conpany i work for now will pay more for certifications and even will allow training (self training) for free or some are small fees in their learning center. Its just added with chronic ever increasing pain due to breaking my back in '09; a tyroid that has 4 growing nodules that i havent gotten biopsied yet; my energy level is so low most of the time even with boost and other nutrional things, its just hard to do things; and the only working PC is my step mom's and her or my dad is always on it; im working on a laptop rigut now but the wireless card and NIC need driver updates and its just not internet capable. And then add that with my mental things, ever increasing anxiety due to my therapist pull my past out of me and then the mental things have their own physical things like my body not wanting to wake up (no known medical cause), severe dizziness & nausia (no known medical cause), a seizure once (no known medical cause); then all 5 of my Drs, one i see once a week (my therapist); i need still 3 MRIs and a biopsy and havent founs the time for it, theres only 7 days in a week,5 days im working and 24 hrs in a day, i work 9 of those; then dealing with my parents...its not a bit but but; its just a lot already to then add a commitment to school. Someone told me once "you can be 45 8 yrs from now (was a few yra ago) with a degree or without one but you'll still be 45" and i do get that, im 34; still young but its just a lot already to add school on top of it so i thought the certifications would be better; im already fully self taught. Everyone tells me im smart and are amazed at what i know and can teach myself but i dont think that.

I can't tell you without Google the difference between a verb and an adverb

An adverb discribes the verb (action), i ran fast, ran is the verb; fast is the abverb. Sorry just had to say that; without google :P

@ghotiff i think you asked if i had kids or a younger sibling; im the youngesy of my dad's 6 kids and i physically cant have kids, medically as well, due to wjat was done to me but i think i can think of my adult self talking to a child, and if i let the anger out and do that, maybe it will work; i dunno