Childhood How Do I...

[ghotiff]

The anger is easy, what i did

If anger is easier for you, maybe start there. Take one incident where you feel anger (not the worst one, start small). Are you able to articulate your anger, what you are angry about, who are you angry too, what they did or did not do. I'm thinking that you'll start with anger towards yourself, but after you've expressed all that anger, maybe there is more underneath that you don't normally see...and maybe there will be something in that previously invisible anger.

I could be completely wrong though. It's just for me emotions needed to be hidden and controlled or massaged into "acceptable" emotions that sometimes there is more underneath.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Take one incident where you feel anger (not the worst one, start small). Are you able to articulate your anger, what you are angry about,

Though its the worst one I didnt refuse to sacrifice animals, but did say no to call him "dad" and got punished for it. My therapist asked "but what would of happened if you refused?" Punishment but that happened anyway. I could of taken it, they happened anyway. My therapist says "you were scared and always taught to obey your parents" but that doesnt make me less angry at myself. I think I hear their screams ar night as punishment

I could be completely wrong though. It's just for me emotions needed to be hidden and controlled or massaged into "acceptable" emotions that sometimes there is more underneath.

No, you're correct. In the day around my dad and step mom only anger, its covering up hurt, pain, loliness, disappointment, fear, etc. All they see is anger and it isnt until night time when i can express that.

Maybe just start typing all my angry and hatred thoughts to "her" like letter and maybe that will allow the other emotions to flow out. Maybe i have to get that layer of anger off to allow the other emotions to be free to come out. I read my posts fo my therapisr so i have addtl thoughts and ideas to think and toss around. Awesome idea!

 

[seedling]

Hurray! Let that anger out :) Good for you.

I think you may find out why you didn't refuse. There's so much pain there it's hard to say why you made the choices you did when you were young.

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

@lostforgottensoul I write to myself a lot, it helps to clear my head. From my own experience, when it is time to write, you will feel it. You'll just know. Keep the idea in the back of the mind but don't force it. Let the words flow from you when the time is right.

Sometimes I have the intention of writing about something AND THEN I will end up writing about something totally different. When I write to myself, I address the first thought/feeling/emotion that is possessing me that I can't ignore and run with it.

The blank screen is basically your mind. Your pure mind. Clean and empty. (That's how I see it). All the writing on it is like all the mental vomit in my mind that I purge onto the screen. Once it is out on that screen it is away from me. It's kind of like transferring the negativity away. What do you want to transfer away? What do you want to just get out and away from you? That might be a good place to start.
Afterwards you can read it a few days later and then you can look at things from a new position. Sorry if this sounds rubbish, but it helps me a lot.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I address the first thought/feeling/emotion that is possessing me that I can't ignore and run with it.

Im an artist and used to do this with my art, draw or paint one emotion, i used to able to channel that one or a few of the emotions i wanted in my art and the viewer sees that emotion and i cant draw anymore, since '01 or '02 my emotions balled up together and all, the entire ball, races through my head like a million mph and so much so as if someone asked me "what are you feeling" my answer is always "i dont know". In therapy my therapist stopped asking me "how do you FEEL about this or that" and started to ask "what do you THINK of this or that" and has been trying to get me back to art the entire 6 yrs he's been my therapist and i just cant draw anything. He said start with abstract, just throw paint on the paper, but that doesnt do anything. He asked me to buy The Post-Traumtic sourcebook by Glenn R Schiraldi, Ph.D and I stopped right at the Recovery part of the book because right before that part is about feeling the feeling you are, identify it, let it past through you, then go deeper. I cant do that yet, BUT, i do feel a little bit of seperation, just a little bit of the ball losening up a bit, though im not at the stage of being able to pick one out. I thought anger is a good place to start because thats the only constant feeling and i know its covering up other feelings but i cant get to them so maybe if i get that anger and hatred out on here (my paper as writing to just myself doesnt help me) for that little girl maybe then more feelings underneath will have room to come out. I think this will take a while, likely many posts and likely many weeks or months due to how tight these emotions are still balled up even with a slight seperation or loosening. Plus i am angry at my little girl self, feel hatred for her (me) and maybe if i can see that on screen, it will allow me to feel for that little girl and start that grieving process. Thats the theroy anyway.

Not saying your idea isnt a good idea, it just wont work for me due to the balled up ball of emotions so tight covered up (like a chocolate covered candy) with anger and hatred for myself (the chocolate on the candy). Which is why someone on here making me feel worse about myself was such a bad trigger; its self hatred so bad that I cant even look in a mirror and close my eyes or turn away when walking by one.

Sorry if this sounds rubbish, but it helps me a lot.

Not rubbish at all, just not something i can do at the moment. Id be staring at a blank screen or a blank piece of paper and not write anything. Hopefully i can do this, hopefully soon.

Hope this makes sense.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Hurray! Let that anger out :) Good for you.

I think you may find out why you didn't refuse. There's so...

I think when i do, if its at night, i may be able to cry, something i cant do and in 6 yrs only did once in therapy. I hope that by letting the anger and hatred out it will allow the other emotions to come out; its a therory, never done it before so not sure what happens. The trick is to keep typing; not take the easy way out of feeling pain and cut. Thats a tricky one.

There's so much pain there it's hard to say why you made the choices you did when you were young.

Fear, i think. I was made to believe my dad knew and didnt care and if i was taking away id go somewhere worse and it was re-enforced over and over that i really feared that. Also fear of the punishments or the worse of them. During the punishments is when i say i did dissaccociate; i didnt feel it hardly at all and if i screamed or cried it got worse so i had to go somewhere else in my head and just allow it to happen.

 

[shimmerz]

My therapist asked "but what would of happened if you refused?"

But the thing is, you saw what would happen if you refused. He killed them, violently. I can't imagine how that would have been to see. I see a child between a rock and a hard place. You saying you wouldn't call him dad meant consequences for YOU.... it seems like when your refusal affected something else.... perhaps you felt like IT would suffer rage that you just couldn't bear.

The end result, given what your history was, was that one way or the other, the outcome would have been the same.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You saying you wouldn't call him dad meant consequences for YOU.... it seems like when your refusal affected something else.... perhaps you felt like IT would suffer rage that you just couldn't bear.

Thats what my therapist is trying to get me to see, but my brain says "if i could refuse calling him dad and get those punishments, i could have said no to killing animals; punishments happened anyway" but then i say "my child self was terrorfied and calling him dad is way less than no to what he says is sacrifice to god and held such in high regard, the punishments would have been worse. Its a tug-o-war, a fight inside myself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The end result, given what your history was, was that one way or the other, the outcome would have been the same.

I think thats what keeps the tug-o-war alive, i was punished anyway for being alive, why couldnt i say no about killing animals? Punishments happened anyway but between a rock and a hard place is very correct. Its hard to not blame myself; i try to challenge the thoughts this the fight inside myself but its hard, especially when no one but my therapist counters what i was told.

 

[shimmerz]

The conflict of trauma.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

especially when no one but my therapist counters what i was told.

Yes, and this. What you learned was on a deeper level than cognizant. It will take a while for it to sink in. I expect it runs deeply. Try if you can to be patient with yourself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yes, and this. What you learned was on a deeper level than cognizant. It will take a while for it to sink in. I expect it runs deeply. Try if you can to be patient with yourself.

Trying hard ;) It just would be so much easier if I had actual real life people there believing me and saying "it wasnt your fault" and "you didnt deserve it" and "you did what you had to to survive"...but there isnt and when you're all alone in this fight (I know i have this place and its why im here A LOT; and late for breaks at work; going past my bedtime...) but its now an internal struggle and fight; trying so hard to think differently and think it wven though i dont yet believe it as my therapist says but usually the other side wins and it causes pain too and so i cut or even worse, self do the rituals; though i can gladly say ive never hurt an animal since i moved out at 18 even though they had control over me until i broke away and cut contact at 19; and im sure its why im super passionate about rescuing and adopting animals instead of buying from breeders or pey stores which generally get thwir puppies from puppymills (so much so that it caused a miss communication on a thread that i nicolette started; guess thats anthony's wife, didnt know that, but im also dyslexic and its getting worse the older i get so i generally have to read a sentence or paragraph 5 times before i undersrand it so if anyone is reading this, please be inderstanding of my missunderstanding of postings due to that; im not meaning to). I never understood why no one had me tested; my dad got so mad at me in the 3rd grade about spelling that he threw the spelling book at me; was sent to summer school but all my studies i was ahead of my grade, just behind in reading and in the 10th grade was tested, doing all of my studies at 12th grade or college level but was reading at a 7th grade level. I knew why my mom and step dad didnt care but why didnt the school do anything? I didnt know i was dyslexic, words and numbers, until i was 20 and was tested for it. When i was in high school; i was called stupid but knew if i was read to; which sometimea the teachers did, i would understand it right away so i tead out loud all of my text books abd put them all on cassette tape then played it back to myself, then on tests on word math problems, or any paragraph to read and answer questions, i would read the question first rhen go find the answer. Thats why a spell checker button would be so helpful for me, not only am i hitting buttons next to the obe i wanted on my phone (and this samsung keyboard is the one with the largest buttons furthest apart; the othee dowloadable ones have kusy color or smiles, color makes it worse and smiles i dont care about) but also i transpose letters and numbers all the time and it takes me forever to figure out its wrong. Anyway, im rambling. I do a lot of that too lol.

 

[Chava]

Im mad at the little girl but i have to greive her too.

So you can't force yourself to grieve right now if you're still feeling self hatred towards your child self. That's not fair, but it's totally understandable. You might have to sort out the angry feelings before you can grieve, if that makes sense. Eventually it has to feel safe to direct that anger outward or where it really belongs, because it will stay there, directed at yourself (making true grieving and compassion for self nearly impossible). We can't just stop being angry, it seems, but need to direct it appropriately (and with help, not at ourselves anymore...that in itself is a hard pattern to change).

I might be coming out of left field, but in therapy I'm focusing more on my here-and-now (which is full of old patterns actually, but I am trying to make different choices). What are you doing to accept and have compassion for yourself right now, as you are? It might go both ways, understanding your child self did nothing wrong and deserved only love, but also doing what you can gradually to accept your adult self. I seem to feel these things happening simultaneously, but slowly, and there's nothing I can do to force any of it.

BUT, I don't let myself dig myself into negative thoughts and self hatred. That's really important and those thoughts also no longer seem real or valid. So if you're at the phase of beginning to recognize that for yourself, that's very good.