Childhood How Do I...

[lostforgottensoul]

So you can't force yourself to grieve right now if you're still feeling self hatred towards your child sel...

Thats a hard one too, like my therapost once said "I feel like Im talking to an adult and a child"; my development halted so in so many ways im still like a child. Thats why i feel so deeply that i have to grieve the child part of me to move on and be fully an adult; my child self and adult self aee merged as when you aee talking to me at times my "adult self" is theee and other times my "chuld self: is there and "adult self" isnt which is why it seems like you are talking to an adult and a child at the same time; if that makes sense. So we arent doing anything yet except change thinking pattens as i have to not so fully believe what i was taught, it cant be so tightly engrained in me or therapies like EMDR wont work; which is why we stopped, did more work to try to loosen that up some, then we are now planning to go back to EMDR after almost a year.

But its almost like a 6th sense; i cant explain where its coming from that i need to grieve my "child self" in order to be able to let her go back into the past and to do that i have to shed the top layer; anger and hatred (not to say in reality any of it is true; but its true to me, and my "child self"). It so closely resembles DID though I havent been diagnosised with that, he said i might have a milder form of it and he's trying to get these "identities" to intergrate as o e would deali g with DID.

 

[ghotiff]

My childhood problems were very different than yours so please disregard anything which is unhelpful.

Did I notice correctly that the one memory you allowed yourself to be angry about was actually the one where you stood up for yourself?

I have a memory of standing up to my sexual abuser once and his response was emotional manipulation which still makes me feel like an awful person when I think of it.

It's possible that you have some memories hidden. When I released some of my more obvious stuff, I recovered some memories (I hate the word recovered, they were old memories that I did know, but I say them in a different way). Anyway, those memories made more sense of my child selfs choices.

Unfortunately, as you already know, this is a long process, please remember to take the time that you need, we are here for you.

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

@lostforgottensoul my emotions balled up together and all, the entire ball, races through my head like a million mph and so much so as if someone asked me "what are you feeling" my answer is always "i dont know"

That post you just put up after mine was great. You said that writing about your feelings is not something you could do right now. Well, you literally just did it right there! It's so awesome. :) Everything you were feeling is there in that post. You shared with us your anger, your hatred, your separation, not knowing how you feel, that chocolate candy ball of emotions (love that bit) and how you want to loosen it up but you know it will take time. I was reading that bit where you say you weren't ready to write about your feelings/emotions and I remember thinking OMG BUT YOU JUST DID!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@lostforgottensoul my emotions balled up together and all, the entire ba...

Well i meant like pain, hurt, fear, lonliness...like if i wanred to go jump in front of the train, if you would ask me what i was FEELING, i wouldnt of been able to say other than anger at myself. Anger at myself is the only thing i can pick out most of the time and im thinking if i can write that out (which anger and hatred towarda myself would be easy to write out or speak of as i do each therapy session) then maybe the "chocolate coating" of anger and hatred at myself would be "licked off" a bit (haha) and maybe some other emotions could be expressed.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

that chocolate candy ball of emotions (love that bit)

LOL, only way i know how to describe the anger and hatred at myself covering uo the other emotions thats balled up and i cant identify.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Did I notice correctly that the one memory you allowed yourself to be angry about was actually the one where you stood up for yourself?

Only about calling my step dad "Dad", i was 12 and knew i already had a dad. Now i was punished for it and because i could say no to that but not to killing poor little animals is what, i think, drives A LOT of the self anger and aelf hatred. Why something small but not something big?

It's possible that you have some memories hidden

YES! I cant remember below 7, possibly 6 as ages sorta blur at that point and i dont ever remember being a virgin and have no clue who took that and when. Some memories came out in dreams but most were just supressed denied stuff; a secret i dont tell anyone

 

[Chava]

Sounds like you have some deeply though untrue beliefs about yourself. But what I was trying to say about anger is that the feeling is natural in response to trauma, but you are misdirecting it by being angry at yourself. By trying to have a different feeling for yourself, the anger might not go away.

Have you ever felt anger towards your abusers? It's really common for children to turn their anger inwards because it's usually more dangerous to direct it towards abusive adults. Also, in an effort to maintain connection with abusive parents, even if only to have basic survival needs met, it's not uncommon for abused children to take on the belief that they are bad...because it simply fits easier in their world view than believing that their caretaker (or other adult) is bad. And if abuse is common that messages gets strengthened.

Not too long ago I realized that my self injury urges (cutting or burning) were actually very closely connected to disorganized self protective responses (basically a "fight" instinct that couldn't lash out so always felt anger and immediately lashed inward). Instead of cutting myself I found myself in a corner holding my knife with the blade pointed out, as self protection. But there was nobody there to protect myself from. So that's another layer of trauma and anger towards self. We have the ongoing feelings but right now there is nobody we seem to be angry at...there is all this anger or rage energy but no threat right in front of us... so we just direct the anger and fight back towards ourselves and our own feelings, since it feels like we created it. But we didn't. Someone else created it a long time ago and our nervous systems are just trapped in many ways.

I actually let myself just hold the knife for a really long time and haven't had to do that since. I also haven't self-injured since then. I really felt how even my worst self destruction was just a gnarly ball of fight energy I had to direct somewhere, but it always felt safe to only direct it back at myself...to the point I believed I was horrible. But really I was just legitimately angry and trapped with it.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. Grieving is important. But first you have to forgive yourself. And maybe even before that direct some of that anger outward in healthy ways (or ask your therapist for help with this) or ask yourself if you can be angry at any of your abusers. Anger is all I felt for years. But I couldn't just switch that off...it had to slowly be redirected because the anger was there for a reason.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Have you ever felt anger towards your abusers?

No, to me, what they did was ok and my step dad made himself a "lover", had gental "loving" sex with me; i still refer to him as my first love; it was 12 - 18

it's not uncommon for abused children to take on the belief that they are bad...because it simply fits easier in their world view than believing that their caretaker (or other adult) is bad. And if abuse is common that messages gets strengthened.

Or also because they said "god told me to cuz you were bad", i was/am bad was drilled into me hard!

I found myself in a corner holding my knife with the blade pointed out, as self protection. But there was nobody there to protect myself from.

Flashback, or so it sounds. I pin myself against the wall thinking my step dad (who is now dead) is there pinning me on the wall by my neck, hos fav way to cut me down there then have sex with me. I also find myself hidding in a closet cuz thats were i tried to hide as a kid; have no clue why, they always knew where i was. I cut cuz it's mine, i control it, it numbs the hurt, and i like to see the blood. I often alliw the blood to run all the way down my arm just to watch it.

 

[Chava]

I cut cuz it's mine, i control it,

Me too (or how it used to feel). I burned my arm a few months ago but haven't actually cut for years.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I'm really new at figuring all this out for myself so if what I say @lostforgottensoul makes no sense to you. I'm okay with it. I hope you are too :)

For the most part, I share my space with everyone. I don't lose time. Recently I had a couple melt downs and the last one I was aware of everything being felt, and said though I really can't tell you now what was said, it feels very disconnected from me. I was also aware that I was not the one in control. It was Rage. I could feel his frustration and contempt for me. Right now, there is no communication between us but I believe it will happen someday.
Since I have accepted there are Others sharing the body only a couple months ago, my awareness and self perception have changed and I'm sure it will continue to change.
That I have been sharing the body my whole life with Others, for me is a given because I feel the truth in it.
The awareness is the game changer.

I say all this to you because in reading your posts I have to wonder if your judgment of your little girl could possibly be influenced by another part of you.
It is my understanding, that all my parts, do and say what they do in the firm belief they are helping somehow. Even the parts that say some pretty terrible things to me.
It is my job to try and communicate with those parts, build trust, get to understand their reasoning and somehow get them to understand we don't need to react in the same way anymore and get them to help me /us find a new way.

I am no doctor of course and only you know for sure but I don't think all of you was brainwashed. Maybe you need to let the little girl rest for a bit. Maybe you can try instead to reach the judges and eventually with respect, challenge their way of thinking.

It is very difficult if not impossible for a little child to understand they are being told lies about themselves by those who have power over them. The little one's survival depends on those in control so they believe everything they are told to stay alive.
Maybe you have parts who don't understand they no longer have to believe those things because the abusers no longer have that power over them/you and that belief is no longer necessary for survival.

I'm not going to proofread. If I do, I'll delete.

I admire and respect your bravery.

Alice

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Me too (or how it used to feel). I burned my arm a few months ago but haven't actually cut for years.[/QUO...

I cut, i burn, i put bleach in me, i put alcohol on my cuts to make it hurt word, i bite, i scratch (sometimes in therapy)....i quit smoking and use a nicotine vaporizer now; i miss it cuz that was the easiest and best way to hide burning myself, w/ a cig and could do it on breaks and lunch at work. Blah

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Maybe you have parts who don't understand they no longer have to believe those things because the abusers no longer have that power over them/you and that belief is no longer necessary for survival.

The split for me is two way; i hear their voices constantly twlljng me over and over what they told me as a kid and the fighter (my rational self) fighting that; then my emotional split; stuffing down emotions, numbing them so i can work, coming home and days off its pure rage and THE ONLY time i could possibly get to another emotion is at night and i know thats the "little girl' but im still me, i loose no time or awareness, but i have that fear, terror i had as a child, have to curl up with my way over used old teddy bear named Wally and suck my thumb (so embarrasing and can only say it cuz im typing) at night in order to sleep. Thats more of a habitual never stopped aelf aoothing behavior but theres no doubt theres a split which is why i asked about DID and my therapist said possible very mildly but he isnt sure yet since im aware they are there, no longer have names, no one really "takes over" if you will; its more emotional type of thing