Childhood Wanting To Safe Your Parents

[Scandinavgirl]

I have been in therapy for the last 7 months or so. We have talked a lot about my mother, which also was my abuser. I have asked my self, is she a psychopath, is she a narcissist? I don`t know, and I will perhaps never now. I am starting to accept that I will not fully understand her or her actions ever.

Last time my T. told me it seemed like I was always trying to forgive her. He told me I don`t have to. He is right, but now it is also clear to me, that I more than forgive her, also want to save her. I feel sad that she is so "empty" - I feel sad for her as well. What caused her to be like this? She works in church, I so want her to find some sort of meaning or direction in religion, but a part of me thinks it is only about power and appearance. And if so, it so extremely sad. I want all her good actions towards other people to be out of kindness, but a part of me thinks she does these good actions only to make her look good to others. I so want her to have a good life. She must have had an hell - she deserves a good life as much as I do. I wish I could save her.

Does anybody relate to these feelings? Are they normal?

 

[scout86]

She sounds a lot like my mother.

Thinking of her life as being "sad" makes perfect sense to me. My mother's life, from my point of view, was sad too. I'm not sure she saw it that way.

She must have had an hell - she deserves a good life as much as I do.

I don't know if that is true. I'm not sure how your mother came to be the person she is. Some of it, I think, must be choices. Saving her, or fixing her, or what ever you want to call it isn't your job. You can't do that kind of thing for someone else. But I can see that "feeling sad" that she is the way she is makes sense and it seems like a pretty healthy way to approach it, to me.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

She sounds a lot like my mother.

Thinking of her life as being "sad" makes perfect sense to me. My mot...

Thank you for your reply. I know it is not my job to fix her, or that I cant.. I keep wanting to put her in a box, define her; either good or bad. So I know how to deal with her and relate. And I try to avoid "the bad", because it hurts too much. Her signals to the world outside of our house, and her behaviour towards me and inside our house, have been so different. I cant really make sense of it. She is not so abusive any more, at least not physical, sometimes even nice. So I guess I been hoping that she has changed. But was has changed is maybe that she does not have so much power any more. Her kids are grown up and moved out. Some of us has kids, and she needs to maintain a okay relationship with her kids to have contact with her grand kids as well.

 

[scout86]

But was has changed is maybe that she does not have so much power any more.

I think that's right.

I keep wanting to put her in a box, define her; either good or bad. So I know how to deal with her and relate.

I know what you mean! I never did really get to where I understood my mother. Or, I guess it would be more correct to say I never really learned how to deal with her. It's kind of hard to come to terms with the idea that the family you grew up in wasn't as "normal" as you thought it was.

 

[sun seeker]

Does anybody relate to these feelings? Are they normal?

I don't know whether they are normal, but yes, I have felt the same. That it's my failure that I have not been able to get my mother to face the truth. I don't know how much this is for me and how much is for her, it's very mixed up in my mind. I feel sorry for her because she is in such strong denial.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

I think that's right.

I know what you mean! I never did really get to where I understood my mother. Or,...

Exactly. It is hard to comes to term with. My mother has managed to "cover" her mistakes up, talking about other parents misbehaving in front of their children, when she in fact was much worse. Or being the "perfect" grandmother giving me good advices on how to be a mum. The advices were good, thats the thing. She knows how to handle things in theory. That has made me question; was she all that bad? Maybe I remembered it wrong? But I know now, she is in denial too. Like your mother. Its a long process, thats for sure.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

I don't know whether they are normal, but yes, I have felt the same. That it's my failure that I hav...

Yes I recognise the feeling of mixing these things up. I know I want the mother she front herself as in "public" much more than I want the mother I grew up with. I want my mother to be "good" so that I and my siblings have a good mother. I have to learn how to deal with the fact that she is what she is. I do want contact with her and my father, so I have to "play along" so to say, pretending she is a good mum. Or maybe just relate to her as she is now. I dont know...

 

[Gucci]

I can relate to your feelings of feeling sorry for your abuser who was also your mum. I think it's quite normal for a child to feel 'responsible' for the parent, particularly when she's been brought up to make all others a priority before herself. I'm glad to hear you're in therapy and have begun the journey to understanding both the mechanics of your upbringing as well as how it shaped who you are today, including the ways you think/feel.
As for the precision of her being a psychopath or a narcissist, does it really matter in some ways? The bottom line is that if you suspect EITHER of these states of being, then you were absolutely the victim of an abusive childhood since these people are incapable of authentic emotional attunement, empathy or love. Their behaviours are solely motivated by the benefits that will accrue to THEM. Of course they are themselves deformed likely as a result of their own upbringing, and because they happened to have children, they simply perpetuated the terrible emotional deficits within their own family.
You might find it useful, however, to do some research about narcissistic mothers as a way to better understand the situation and what to expect. There's a woman named Michelle Piper who has a very informative website about narc mums and their daughters. I realised my mum was herself a narc and when I finally realised the repercussions of being raised that way, I was able to see just how compromised I'd been, including a grossly exaggerated and inappropriate concern for HER well-being. This is an attitude that is ineluctably inculcated in a child and it's important to get a realistic calibration of where you are and what kind of boundaries will best support your well-being.
Never forget that you as the child deserved to be the emotional priority - NOT THE PARENT. When this fundamental dynamic is distorted, a whole host of subsequent and cascading negative repercussions will fall into place for the child. Until this is understood, you will continue to believe that you 'owe' others (including your mother) all manner of undeserved loyalty, consideration, and energy. You don't exist to be anyone's 'genie' at their service and ensure that their needs are taken care of at the expense of your own.
Most people I know who've had exploitative childhoods are inveterate people pleasers as well, and this is a logical outcome of their conditioning. There's an excellent book by Harriet Breaker about rectifying people-pleasing habits - definitely worth a read. You sound like an inordinately (overly)thoughtful, (overly)conscientious, (overly)responsible, and thoroughly parentified child; making yourself a priority might feel odd and uncomfortable, but it's a critical developmental stage that is usually excised by abusive parents to ensure a child's compliance and servitude.
Best to you as you explore yourself in therapy!

 

[Born to Run]

made me question; was she all that bad? Maybe I remembered it wrong?

Nah, I believe we never remember things wrong from the past.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

Never forget that you as the child deserved to be the emotional priority - NOT THE PARENT. When this fundamental dynamic is distorted, a whole host of subsequent and cascading negative repercussions will fall into place for the child. Until this is understood, you will continue to believe that you 'owe' others (including your mother) all manner of undeserved loyalty, consideration, and energy. You don't exist to be anyone's 'genie' at their service and ensure that their needs are taken care of at the expense of your own.

I like what you write here very much. And I think it is essential. I hope I will fully understand this someday soon and integrate it in my "system". Thank you for your insights and tips.