Crazy Train Takes Over And You Think Your Past Is No Big Deal?

[Panda Bear]

I recently shared in the Therapy section about having to take some time away from my mom. What little relationship I did have, was making me bonkers. Contact was causing my anxiety to return, nightmares, dreams, stress, hate, anger, fighting, being a hermit again. No good was coming from the contact, T suggested we let her go for a while.

Well, I'm struggling. My head is taking me over, crazy train...all aboard!

I'm starting to think she isn't the problem, what happened was no big deal. It was normal, common, people experience stuff like I did growing up all the time. It was my fault, if I had just been better, if my dad hadn't shot himself. If I could have complied, obeyed, made her happy enough, I wouldn't have gotten hurt. She was justified in hurting me. I must be making it all up, I deserved it, all of it! Nothing she did was abusive, it was my fault.

She's going to f*cking freak when I tell her no contact....

Tell me, is it common to feel this way? I KNOW it's irrational, but still, it's there.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Yes I had those feelings when I finally woke up to my ex and his abuse I was also blaming myself still, questioning and still in that cycle where I was believing all the things I had been brainwashed into feeling about myself all those years firstly from my mother and then my ex. It is embedded in there all those things. That is how control works, they have to make you feel worthless and it is your fault and it happens for years, especially when a child you are so confused you blame yourself, because they planted that into you. Your mother was NEVER justified in hurting you. And you are not making it up. It is never your fault if someone chooses to hurt you especially your mother. It isn't normal, they normalise abuse so we accept it.

She can freak all she likes. Of course she will. She will play innocent, blame you, and pull out all the ammunition she has used to control you since a child. Close it off, rely on your therapist to help you with that. It is poison, it will get to you, but close it off. You do need time away from an abuser to find yourself.

 

[Nevermore]

Oh panda bear, sounds like so much pain in your family.
Probably a lot of pain in both you and your mother. What a horrible thing to go through. I experienced similar with my ex and am probably more your mothers age.
I think it's good to take a break when ur not getting anywhere and sounds like maybe ur mother has been taking her pain out on you. That's not right.
But of course you have your own pain!! Maybd that's what she's missing and she needs to know that!!
You did not deserve any of that.
You both need support. I hope she can realise what she's been doing and be there for you.
it IS a big deal! I hope ur ok

 

[Panda Bear]

@jojo88 Im not sure my mom will ever realize want she did, not will she ever be available to me. As she is nearing the end of her life, she has never given any indication that she will choose otherwise. Not with me, or my siblings or her own family.

Sad, really :(. If she had only chosen to deal with her own pain earlier.

Thank you for helping me to understand, it's not just me who struggles with the crazy thinking. Really, it's rather evil! The hold, the pain, how we feel we deserve or have no other choice? As if I'm not an remarkably intelligent person? I should know better.....

 

[sun seeker]

Tell me, is it common to feel this way?

Yes. I'm feeling so much of this right now. This is what abuse does, messes up our perception of reality. I can see that for you and I don't even know you. Myself, I'm not so sure about.

 

[Panda Bear]

Myself, I'm not so sure about.

Wild how we can see it for others, even when we don't know them, but struggle with it for ourselves.

Abuse is Wicked!

 

[Seasounds]

i know your pain. In setting boundaries you will be supporting your mental health. Of course, your mom may have her own crisis, and you aren't the cause of your mother's reaction.

You are making a 'right of passage' step. When I went through making boundaries with my family, having support helped.

Best to you!

 

[Friday]

Blaming yourself? Yep.
Thinking we have control over other people? For sure.
Minimizing? Mmhmm.
Wishing things were different? Very much.
Emotional reasoning? (If it feels bad, it must be bad; like if breaking contact feels bad or anyone is upset over it, it's the wrong thing to do... Instead of the very right thing to do). Cha.
Loving someone I shouldn't be around? Si.
Denial? Nope. No denial here. I'm fine dammit. Yes.

Check this out : 10 Primary Cognitive Distortions (negative Thinking Styles)

 

[Changing4Best]

My abusive boyfriend would act all jealous if I looked at or spoke to another man in any capacity. Then he would rail at me for it, and get us kicked out of the places we were living. He of course would blame me for all of it. Well, it was NOT my fault, just because he said it was. He started it. There is nothing wrong with a woman looking at or speaking to another man. So it was not my fault. Period.

 

[Sandstone]

Yes, it is common to feel this . I regularly think " If only I had been better at being a child, maybe she would have been a better parent"

 

[Changing4Best]

Revelation 22:20
He who is the faithful witness to all these things says, “Yes, I am coming soon!” Amen! Come, Lord Jesus!

 

[shimmerz]

She's going to f*cking freak when I tell her no contact....

A mother who recognizes that their child is suffering and was told that they needed to cut contact for a while would NOT freak out.

The loving answer to this:
"Take all of the time you need. I am here for you if and when you are ready."

Because it isn't all about them. Never was.