Crazy Train Takes Over And You Think Your Past Is No Big Deal?

[Panda Bear]

A mother who recognizes that their child is suffering and was told that they needed to cut contact for a while would NOT freak out.

She is the only one suffering here....her life wasn't fair....we need to get over things, not her. How else can she function with out me to approve of her life? Be her slave? Accept her abuse, as we are her children, here to make her happy. Here to serve her.

She is no mother.....

 

[shimmerz]

She is no mother.....

Good. So you have it well set in your head what you are dealing with. Then the hissy fit you are thinking she will have has nothing to do with you right? It is, of course, all about her.

 

[Changing4Best]

What if you just didn't answer her calls and did not call her? You don't have to let her know what you are doing, but then I guess she would show up at your door, so that does not work either, because you would eventually need to go out or come in if you were out. So I guess you just need to go through the giving her the information that you are disconnecting from her. She will have a hissy fit, be expecting it. Also be expecting her to violate your wishes, once you have given her the ultimate send off.

 

[Ronin]

The fact you even have to think about the normalcy of it?

Is itself a proof it wasn't normal, common, no big deal, et cetera.

 

[Ronin]

She is the only one suffering here....her life wasn't fair.

Well, that's still no reason taking it out on any other person, much less own children, & it's her responsibility as a mother solely from the title of that, to not pull the shit she's pulling. So her loss, smh. Stay strong.

 

[sun seeker]

I first cut off contact for what I thought at the time was a little while. I still had hopes that we could sort out the relationship. At first I just avoided her. Then I eventually had to tell her why I was avoiding her. Then we tried to work things out... or I did, anyway. It turned out not to be possible and she is gone from my life for good. I think. I am still grieving over it today, though I do realize that what I am sad for is mostly stuff I never got in the first place.

A normal parent, too, when told repeatedly, clearly and by several different people the same information about what they have done to hurt their child and what they need to do to make it better, will make some attempt to repair the relationship. My mother was given multiple chances and didn't act on them. Her loss. At least, my head tells me that.

 

[Ronin]

Her loss. At least, my head tells me that.

Your head is right, Sun Seeker. Your heart will figure it too, when collateral damage stops being only heart wrenching grief & loss & anguish & what not, and makes space for more. You did all you could, and I bet a lot of what you couldn't, too.

 

[Panda Bear]

@SheilaKathy

No....I can't just not talk to her. T says I have to tell her that we won't be having contact as of now and I need to tell her why. She needs to know that a boundary exist and my reasoning for it. She doesn't have to like it or respect it, but I can follow through with it after she has been informed. We life in neighboring towns and yes, she could and would, and HAS come to my home and openly harassed me, when she didn't get want she wanted from me. She has in the he past verbally harassed me over the phone, called 100x and left screaming messages. She has contacted a long time friend of mine and been angry and him....demanding that he call and tell me to contact her. This friend of mine is a father type figure to me, we are very close and he has great 'pull' with me. I adore and listen to him, thankfully....we are in the same side and he knows my history and her abusivness towards me.

Sadly, my mom has no clue that she ever did anything wrong. As much as it hurts, at this point in her life....I don't ever expect her to change or fully comprehend what she did. Nor do I wish for restoration in our relationship, I really just hope for peace and acceptance. To grieve the loss and be healed of what happend. Interestingly, I really believe that she doesn't see this as me hurting in anyway. I've never 'hurt' in her presence and I'm not sure she could even pick up on that in me.

@sun seeker. I'm sorry....what you did was very hard, and watching a parent choose otherwise? Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

 

[sun seeker]

@Panda Bear, would you identify your mother as a narcissist? Some of what you say really sounds like it. They are never going to acknowledge that they did anything wrong because that breaks their world view in which they are perfect and everything is about them. It doesn't matter how much evidence they are presented with. I found this out the hard way. I still have trouble believing it.

 

[Panda Bear]

Yes @sun seeker

That and I'm certain she has other psychological issues. She has had massive highs/lows mood wise, is probably bipolar? She has been bulimic all my life, which is now called disordered eating at her age. Various addictions/substance abuse, though she always managed get pills 'legally' and never get caught. Though she has been hospitalized many times for overdosing, she still walks away with more and no recourse. She can sweet talk her way into and out of anything! It's phenomenal, really.

 

[sun seeker]

The other psychological issues a person could have empathy for. (Sorry, that's not meant to tell you how to feel about your mother, just how I see it from a distance.) But the narcissism - again to me - would be the deciding factor. A narcissist sees no reason to change. You can spend ages trying to say things so they will hear them, wondering "what if I said it this way or that way... will she finally get it then?" and wondering whether the problem is with you, that you can't explain things right. When you've been doing this from childhood, it gets very confusing and boundaries get very mixed up. It can be exhausting, heartbreaking, and so many other things being the one trying to change a family with a narcissist in it. It just doesn't work that way. Again, my experience, and I don't have all the information about your situation. It could be that a break will be enough for you to get some space and feel stronger. For me, it eventually led me to make the break permanent, and I still have times of doubting that it was really as bad as I think it was.

 

[Panda Bear]

Yes, she is surely a narcissist and She runs wild with it everywhere she goes. Controlling and hurting everyone she encounters, not just me, but her own siblings and relationships. She really has no reason to change, as she is with out fault.

I don't have empathy for the other psychological issues....nope! When she told told me I would be at fault if she died, when I had to leave her alone after she refused treatment and left the hospital instead of going to rehab. I had a newborn baby, husband who had to work and small children at home. She told me it would be my fault if I left her alone, she was going to die and it would be on me(i grew up with her blaming me and siblings for my dads suicide) She chose to leave A.M.A and the demanded that I care for her! I lost all empathy for her other issues.

I'm sorry you're having to face the same issues as me. This really isn't easy!