Sufferer My Story; Me

[MariaTPhD]

I've been diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and po...

Dearest Lostforgottensoul,
You are not forgotten or lost. You are one of the most clear, authentic and honest people I have ever had the privilege of "meeting"! What strength you have! How I wish I could have such courage! You are not lost. You know better where and who you are than so many "successful" people I have met! You are not forgotten as your courage and tenacity are quite memorable. You are a good soul who faced a traumatic past that would have made grown men crumble into heaps of blubbering dysfunction! But not you. You have simply accepted this trauma and aspired to become all God meant for you to become! I am in awe of you!

I have studied brain and behavior for many years. I have been most drawn to people like you who, despite the evil imposed on them, they ascend to their highest intention that God willed for them originally. You KNOW God because you LIVE His Will daily with your courage and humility. What a gift to know such a person as you! Saints spent their entire lives attempting to obtain the virtue you naturally possess! What an inspiration you are!

By the way, this is how I feel about most people who struggle with PTSD. They are true heroes. Despite adversity and pain, you all confront the pain and your own demons honestly with the determination of warriors! My admiration for you and everyone here goes beyond words!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You are one of the most clear, authentic and honest people I have ever had the privilege of "meeting"! What strength you have! How I wish I could have such courage!

I dont know about courage. Ive never seen myself that way, actually ive felt weak most if not my entire life. I never felt i had much choice but to push it all down and move on as at 18 and even more at 19 when i broke contact with them; i had no life skills but ive been almost (but thank goodness not) homeless and started over from nothing quite a few times; and did quite well at pretending nothing was wrong; and i think i learned a lot from my dad, my brother when he spoke to me, and other people; until my current therapist starting pulling my past out of me. Now i feel like a lump of coal but i never ever wanted to take the disabity road; not that anything was wrong with it, but i always wanted to make my way in the work force even after i broke my back, have cronic pain to the point of a morphine pump being put in me, and that on top of my mental state, thus why i push everything down at work; i have to or id not have a job; and i still dont want to take disabilty. Ive very strong willed, that i know about myself.

Cant really multi quote you on this, im at work and only have a few more mins but all the god stuff is still VERY confused but i think eventually i'll get to that once im close to the end of unbrainwashing myself.

Anyway, thank you very much for your very kind reply!

 

[MariaTPhD]

I dont know about courage. Ive never seen myself that way, actually ive felt weak most if not...

We often don't see ourselves the way others see us. Honest people really struggle with that because we can't delude ourselves long enough to set our weaknesses aside in order to view our strengths. You survived, even when others would despair. You hoped for better, even when you saw the worst. That is amazing virtue, and I am not just saying that. Your only weakness, that I see, is an inability to give yourself credit for the strength you have. You endured when others would have given up. You continue to seek truth, when others would become cynical. If you could present a list of your strengths, what would they be (other than the keen ability to self reflect)?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If you could present a list of your strengths, what would they be (other than the keen ability to self reflect)?

I dont see myself as having a keen abilty to self reflect, thats due to my therapist over 6 yrs having me challenge my way of thinking. I am VERY strong willed and this has gone against me when me and my therapist would go back and forth, him having me defend my postion (what i was taught, my core beliefs) and he throw a more rational thought then id have to defend it again; like a courteoom. Id end up in a circle and say "i know it doesnt make rational sense but i believe it anyway". We did this every week for like 6 months straight. I have no idea how he's put up with me for almost 7 yrs. Anyway, being strong willed is normally a good thing, its how i was able to detox myself off every drug ive been on without rehab. I know im very honest and would make a good friend if people would look past my issues and give me that chance. People say im smart and everyone likes my blue eyes but i dont see those things nor do i see the other things my therapist has pointed out that he sees good in me. But im trying...

 

[MariaTPhD]

I dont see myself as having a keen abilty to self reflect, thats due to my therapist over 6 yr...

Maybe not, but you could have chosen to blame your past and give up on healing. A good therapist simply asks questions and is a witness when you relive the trauma. You are the one who must confront the memories over and over to recognize the way the trauma affected you. Patience and curiosity are all people like me bring to a therapy session. Clients bring their all. That is so much more.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Patience and curiosity are all people like me bring to a therapy session. Clients bring their all. That is so much more.

Ive never met anyone more patient than my current therapist. I always say "current therapist" because in another State I lived in, i had a total of 4 free therapists; none knew my entire past, actually most just knew i had been sexually abused. 2 ended the sessions, one because i was too afraid to talk, at all, and one because it was in a church, free "pastoral counseling" and already being in a church building freaked me out but the door was cracked, no one else was supposed to be there and i saw a largw shadow on the wall outside, he opened the door more and i freaked completely out and it ended up being a kid and he stopped the sessions saying i wasnt ready for "exposure therapy", so the f*ck what but yeah; 2 others (none of these are in order) said yes and acted upon my sexual advances, one saying "if i have to have sex with you to help you then i will" (thought in my head i didnt want them to, its what i felt im supposed to do)..so yeah, though i currently have a paid therapist, thats the experiences i took in his sessions with me; which he knows about. probably why it took me a year of going every week to actually tell him why i was there and took another 2 years to get it all out of me. My current therapist is whom told me of the term transference. After almost 7 yrs though i trust him fully, only person on the planet i fully trust, and i know i can tell him anything and know he wont be shocked by anything.

 

[MariaPhD2be]

Ive never met anyone more patient than my current therapist. I always say "current therapist"...

Sadly, I know a couple creepy therapists that use their work to satisfy their own needs. They do a lot of damage. If you approach therapists with caution, you probably have higher intuition that has served you through your experiences in childhood. Even sensing shadows seems reasonable, given your past. It doesn't matter that you haven't confessed everything to your therapist yet. Healing takes time and rushing it may actually cause regression. You are wise to pace yourself. Discussing it in this type of forum is good providing you realize that those who are judgmental should just be ignored. Fortunately this particular forum seems very empathetic. The participants here seem very sensitive and kind.

You are the expert in you...just remember that!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It doesn't matter that you haven't confessed everything to your therapist yet.

My current therapist knows everything; and by everything that means EVERYTHING; every intrustive thought, every ritual i still self carry out. The free therapists i had prior were the retards that didnt know everything about my past. It took 2 yrs to tell my therapist everything, actually longer cuz some of the self carried out rituals i do i didnt tell him til recently but most if was told to him slowly over 2 yrs. Ive never came on to my current therapist and dont want to, he feels more of a father figure i guess, probably cuz i know a lot about his kids, his first grandchild, his wife...that sounds weird but things come up in conversation and ive seen him every week for almost 7 yrs; and at night when i feel very unsafe, i make up a false reality, like a tv show in my head to make me feel safe so i can sleep, even with sleeping meds and anxiety meds i still have to play out a false reality to feel safe, plus another self soothing child like behavior i have to do to lower the anixety and fear or i cant sleep. However, those alternate realities a lot of the times turn sexual when i have absolutly no sexual attraction of thoughts about him and he knows about it. He said partly tranference, likely a bit to do w/ the possible atrachment disorder where my brain tells me thats the only way to attach to someone or keep them from going away (BPD). But ive never had that thought in a session. My current therapist had me write out my entire past in detail, making it more real, and i couldnt get through it all; i get to the part where my step dad had the "nice sex" with me; i call him my first love; and my mind is thinkibg back and my body has a reaction and that makes me upset...feels sick and thus i punish myself. Tried a few times and could not stop myself from needing to punish and not just that i cut, its WHERE i cut so i had to just not do it so instead, over about 6 sessions he had me tell him outloud in order from beginning to end and telling him my body doesnt have a reaction. Dont get that AT ALL. Anyway, my therapist says most free therapist arent that great and though he isnt a Ph.D, and works with my Ph.D, he has 8 degrees and thats a lot for any LMHC in my opinion. I dont know when he wants to do the EMDR again, it was supposed to be a few sessions ago but xmas evs was crazy for us both then this huge step i made. I worry though now it will force me to feel again what i dont want to :(

 

[PreciousChild]

Hi LFSoul,

It sounds like you've already done a lot to move yourself forward. Your story is really compelling, and I feel so much for you. Stories like yours makes me wonder how much suffering a person can take, and yet you're still here and trying to make it right for yourself. It's inspiring.

I wanted to reply because my son has dyslexia too, and smart as a whip. Davinci and Einstein were dyslexic too. :) These days, there are a lot of strategies children can learn to help make it easier to read. But your parents couldn't even keep you safe, much less do anything to benefit you, so I don't suppose you got the help you needed. There are always audio books! I searched amazon.com and they had Body Keeps the Score in audiobook form. There are other more practical books, but this book was really crucial in helping people to see the true nature of ptsd.

Best wishes!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Hi LFSoul,

It sounds like you've already done a lot to move yourself forward. Your story is reall...

Thank you for your reply!

I didnt know i was dyslexic until i was about 24. I learned while working at a call center that is type a customer's number; like 913 but read it back 319 and it would take me about 5 tries to pull up the account to figure out it was backwards. Got tested and yep, letters and numbers dyslexic.

I wouldnt of expected my mom and step dad to help me but why not the school at least as in 10th grade it was obvious. Was tested on all studies, doing them all at a 12th grade or college level but reading at a 7th grade level. People call me smart as im fully self taught in several PC programing langauages including HTML (reading and writing HTML while being dyslexic is HARD and really not needed these days with so many programs that will write it and java scripting and all you need for a website but when i self taught myself it was before those programs came out.) i can teach myself anything and I LOVE learning, about anything; like my ex, an electrician, taught me how to wire up 110s, 220s, light switches, electrical outlets (reg and GFIs) and hardwird smoke alarms. And i dont want to just know how to, i want to know what each thing is for, why its there, etc. I took apart our microwave when i was younger just to see how it worked. Got in trouble for that one. But i dont think im smart, actually i refer to myself as stupid.

And back when I was younger, 3rd grade, i was held back in summer school because i pointed at a kid and the teacher said i was too immature to go to 4th grade?!? My dad went down to the school to talk to the guidence counselor and he said that i was ahead in all subjects but very behind in reading (hello red flag), so all i did in summer school that summer was read some and play. Then my dad got mad at me cause i couldnt spell a word and he threw the spelling book at me and it hit me between the eyes. (um another red flag?)

How i got through high school was i bought a ton of cassette tapes and read the entirity of all my text books outloud and recorded myself (took forever) but i knew that if i was read to i could understand it but if im reading i have to read it 5 or so times to understand. Also paragraph with questions, read the question then went to look for the answer instead of reading the paragraph first.

Today i just give myself time. At almost 35 yrs old, it seems to get worse with age but i just keep re-reading or go back and re-read until i get it. Its caused some missunderstandings on here by me because i miss read a post but i just appologize where needed, inform im dyslexic and miss read the posts; but thats usually after a bit of an arguement or the other person firing off on me but people need to learn I think that others can miss read a post and just gentally correct me.

I never really liked autobooks, i dont know why. Dont know if the voice is just boring or what. I can read, just takes me a lot longer so i just try to stay patient with myself as im trying to get through a huge PTSD sourebook that my therapist had me buy. Im stuck on that one so i was thinking about starting Risin' Strong by Berne Brown that my dad got me for christmas and see if that helps me move into this slowly.

As to my past, you survive it cause you have to. I did it by disassociating somewhere else in my head as a person cant hold back from screaming or moving when being cut up inside or when boiling hot water or bleach is in a turkey baster being put in them for punishment so i made up a world id go to, a family that loved me, and generally my body would go almost limp and mentally would be gone. It numbs the pain a lot at that point. Later is another story. I found out i could draw, good, no lessons at 10 as an attempt to use it as an outlet. Unfortantly my art from 10 to 18 got burned in the bon fire they used to burn all the evidence but i have the ones from '99 when i moved out at 18 to '01, when i stopped drawing. I also made up what i call identities, Allie was the prostitute, Brandy for the rest. Those dont have names anymore though there is still seperations in me (not been diagnosised DID, I did bring that up to my therapist and he said he doesnt see that in me now at the moment), today its more of being disconnected from my past and emotional tangled web.

Progress has been VERY slow. Though the biggest step I took on this site recently is HUGE, the biggest step ive taken thus far in almost 7 yrs of therapy which was to shed my self anger and self hatred and post about my most guarded and shameful secert and read it outloud to my therapist. He already knew of it but it was basically "i did this" and move on quick. We had an entire session about it last Thursday and it worked. When i re-read the post or @FridayJones's long verison reply it doesnt make me feel anger or hatred at myself, it makes me feel pain...but that is still a jumbled tangled ball of emotions and have no idea what to do with it. I was gonna post about it tonight as i do read my therapist every thread i start here BUT i want to move slow as trying to untangle this too fast, making me feel too much of it too fast can put me in a tailspin at work and ive already been caught going off on customers, i cant do that again and still keep my job. I work in a call center as an internet and PC tech for an internet company and good god when people dont have internet they think they will die. Anyway, i cant scream back at anyone when they starting saying "you are a stuping f*cking c*nt....blah blah blah". Im always fine if they just want to vent, i get that and usually justified but dont personally attack me, i didnt break your internet and lets move on and find a solution rather than an hr of just screaming at me; not to mention i love to talk (as you can see) and im already written up for AHT (average handle time, average amount of time i have customers on the phone) so im already under a ton of pressure to fix your internet or PC or dispatch out a tech, have a great day and move on. Anyway, my point is, my job in of itself is stressful, add massive anxiety to it then add trying to feel the full pain and full weight of my past. Yeah, no, wont work. Just my therapist digging it out of me over 2 yrs has made me need anxiety meds when i didnt before then a recent increase in them. So im just gonna wait til tomorrow and discuss it with him as him knowing me so well and my job, he'll know the next small steps to take that wont send me reeling but will move me foward. I was stuck in one place for over a yr and frustrated at myself, im just glad im move foward again, just hope i dont get stuck again. Thats where this site came in VERY handy.

Thank you for your very kind reply and the audiobooks!

 

[paula parcell]

I've been diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and po...

When I read your post I see a realty grate person who has the qualities that I vaoe most in a friend

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When I read your post I see a realty grate person who has the qualities that I vaoe most in a friend

Where are all the other people like you though? I dont have any friends and maybe mostly because people terrify me and i have severe social anxiety but usually when people hear even a tiny bit of my past and all my issues they want far away from me and most of the time think im lying, like this shit doesnt happen or it would be all over tv. Well it does, im not lying, and its only not on tv cuz ive never allowed it to be and have never pressed charges on my abusers.

I wrote 1 letter to Dr Phil, i didnt want on his show, i had a therapist and didnt know how to tell him why i was really there. I couldnt talk to him unless i went on national tv and that wasnt gonna happen but his staff called me 3 times asking me to be. I wouldnt. I wrote him cuz he has done work with cult survivors a lot before. He wanted to call my abusers and ask them to be on the show and all my family that doesnt believe me. f*ck no! Especially not my abusers, i worked hard to cut contact at 19 and keep it cut, i wouldnt be in Cali if i knew they were there. I was just hoping for a small letter back to help give md the words of one i could let my therapist read and thought he could help cuz he's done a lot of work with cults and stuff.

It took a not psychologist, internal medicine tv Dr, Dr Drew Pinsky, to talk to me in a video chat to give me the words and courage to tell my therpist; which i did the next session.

Anyway, thank you for your VERY kind words! It means a lot!