"not To People Like Us" - Seriously?

[Justmehere]

Not to People Like Us is a book Dr. Susan Weitzman about domestic violence in upper class families. It is a topic worth attention. I'm not invalidating that. Stats show the rate of providers completing a report for suspected child abuse decrease significantly when the income of the suspected child abuser increases in the US. One theory for this is that doctors are more likely to report suspected child abuse when the suspected party is of a lower socioeconomic class, because the doctor sees them more as the "other" and less like someone who is just like them. The higher the income, the more the doctor see the possible child abuser as someone like them, and the more the doctor is going to have denial or pause in reporting the suspected child abuse.

It's a disturbing matter every way it is looked at and certainly a matter that deserves attention, because it also has been shown that people who get wrongly accused also tend to be of lower class. Everyone gets shafted, most of all, the kids in most need of help in any socioeconomic class.

It's a worthwhile topic. I've only skimmed the book, and I'm not sure if it is a good book or not.

But that's not the point of this post.

I came across this title for this book, "Not to People Like Us," because I came across a support group for people with PTSD called "Not to People Like Us." I was furious when I read the title of the group. It assumes, it implies, there is a kind of people that is subjected to trauma, and that there is a "people like us" that trauma does not happen to.

To me, to name a support group (and it's a whole set of support groups in a handful of cities) "Not To People Like Us" wreaks of the very arrogance that blinds people to abuse in the first place. I see that title and it pisses me off. Maybe I'm missing the whole point though.

Am I looking at this the wrong way?

 

[twinkle30]

I don't see the title of the support group like that. I come from a working poor family and I think probably my parents thought in their head, "this doesn't happen to people like us", when I became mentally ill. No one thinks it will happen to them.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I cannot objectively say the answer to your final question, but to the other stuff, I can say that it's a bad thing that in family abuse, both physical and mental, is associated mainly with lower class families, I know plenty of cases of exactly that happening in middle class families in croatia (don't know about upper class, thats just politicians here).

And also, it's often less reported for the fear of losing some of the good sides of living in a not poor family, while those in poorer families have a higher tendency to get out of it, as less material stuff is holding them back from doing so.

 

[LuckyDuck]

The title to me breaks the misconception that one's family is invincible to mental health issues. Yes, some families have long histories with mental illness but others do not. It sounds like a first level introduction for someone who is reaching out for help for either themselves or a family member. Their first reaction may be that of denial but the title of the same line seems more "Yes, it can happen to anybody, regarless of what you may think.".

 

[lostforgottensoul]

One theory for this is that doctors are more likely to report suspected child abuse when the suspected party is of a lower socioeconomic class, because the doctor sees them more as the "other" and less like someone who is just like them.

I dont think its doctors under reporting or sterotyping it out, its likely under reported by the children as my abuse, as bad as it was, was missed by everyone including the school, the cops (though one cop was in the cult), any doctor (though i wasnt 'allowed' to go to doctors, i did a couple of times). Its more of "who would believe that (for example only) Donald Trump abuses his son; or any one of high status. I dont think you are wrong to question the group but be sure that they arent trying to bring awareness to this rather than saying it doesnt happen in higher class homes. Or that it isnt some sort of book club since its named after the book.

 

[Justmehere]

I fully agree that abuse in upper class families is more often overlooked by mandatory reporters.

My experience in the schools: kid comes in with bruises and has implausible reasons for them and other warning signs of abuse. If the kid is from a lower class family, almost always gets at least documented somewhere. If from a wealthy family, it is usually brushed off.

The support group is a great idea, but the title I guess makes me angry because I'm angry at every person in my neighborhood, all the doctors, and lawyers, and teachers, and even the freaking police officer next door, have approached me and said they were sorry they did nothing about the abuse they knew my brother and I were suffering through. It took another child dying before the community woke up.

I guess the title makes me mad because it is what many think, and it's really unhelpful. At least in my experience.

I never saw it as "this doesn't happen to people like us." I saw it as - this is my fault, because why else would this happen to me? It has taken years to undo that thinking, and to see a group with the title not to people like us - the attitude that kept so many people silent to the abuse I suffered.... argh.

 

[Justmehere]

Their first reaction may be that of denial but the title of the same line seems more "Yes, it can happen to anybody, regarless of what you may think.".

I think you and the other posters are right. This is likely the very good and accurate message they are trying to send, and my own issues make it hard to see that.

 

[shimmerz]

This comes back to my posting about 'they' vs. 'us' and how ugly that can become.

I have to say, in both of my divorces, the abusive behaviour increased when the economic position of our families increased. It came to a mismanagement of perceived power that comes with economic status.

ETA: I did go through a huge process of asking myself 'how did this happen to me?'

 

[shell]

I think society in general turned a blind eye for generations that child abuse existed, that it happened in those other families (which is anyone other than in our own circle), because to admit to the truth that child abuse is happening all around us is unbareable.

Perhaps it is acknowledging that humans aren't the civilized beings we all like to believe we are, and we are not as safe as we like to believe.

There are many amongst us that mistreat others for the sense of power and some sort of gratification, and it has no boundaries. Perhaps doctors chose not to get involved because they don't want to risk their own reputation.

My mother asked for help from her doctor when she feared she would one day kill me, and he said if he wrote it down they would take away all of her kids not just me. He allowed her to walk out the door and didn't report her rather than get involved, we came from a family just like his, who knows what motivates a person.

Years later she became best friends with his wife, nothing was ever said about it. It was if I never existed, he knew it was happening but did nothing about it.

I guess it is a group that felt they were over looked because of their parents wealth, or social standing and for me that feels elitist.

The first thing my doctor asked when I finally revealed my abuse, was my mother an alcoholic? As if that was the immediate thought, that something was responsible for making it happen, that it is not just the actions of an evil person. People don't like to believe that others wish to harm others.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

and to see a group with the title not to people like us - the attitude that kept so many people silent to the abuse I suffered.... argh.

Maybe you're miss reading the title as i would take that as "they think it doeant happen to the wealthy but here's proof that it does". Maybe the title reflecrs the misconception and shows that it is a misconception. Ive not read the book but it may be worth reading it cover to cover to understand what the author is trying to get across.

I come from a poor family and it was overlooked by everyone and not reported by me (the cop in the cult like to have sex with me with his gun out, loaded, and cocked and sometimes rape me with the gun itself to scare me and most of the time i ran away my step dad would call him to find me so i could be 'correctly punished' and so i feared the police and they made sure to pound into me that my bio dad knew and didnt care and that if taken away i would go some place worse therefore i told no one and though mostly the bruises and cuts were under clothes and cuts mostly inside of me, there were bruises and cuts visable at times and every one ignored it so its not just the wealthy that happens in).

the title I guess makes me angry

Its just titled after the book. Maybe look around and see what their actual message is because i bet its either people bringing awareness to this happening in upper class homes or a sort of book club. Just like the book then the movie "God's Not Dead" and the sequal along with the prayer movie now in theaters i believe (though i dont claim any religon) books and movies have blogs, forums, groups, followers etc.

 

[twinkle30]

My friend horseback rides and at her riding academy there was a couple who had son who was not potty trained at 6 years because he was so neglected. This couple was so wealthy and had so many connections they were never charged. She did anonymously report it to CPS. They investigated and the judge let these people off because he would go golfing with the husband. So sad.

 

[LuckyDuck]

I do understand the double-meaning you see in the title, JMH. The fact that money can buy silence is a very real issue. It's definitely a grabbing title, probably also meant to hilight the exact fact of what you're bringing up. It might be what's needed to gain awareness on the subject.

LD