Emotional Neglect?

[Dreamz]

Going to take an awesome shower and give this whole thread a good reading. :-) Thank god for this forum


I read one really good piece of advice, its easy to neglect yourself when it feels like your family and parents did too. Take this moment to LOVE yourself and be the one who cares. If you slip up and make a mistake its just another oppurtunity to pick yourself up when others wont.

 

[Philippa]

Yes Dreamz, I learnt a while back, when I first started getting into art as therapy, that 'Oh, I have these things call feelings, and Oh, they are actually valid after all', despite what my parents and everyone around me seemed to be conveying the exact opposite to me.

I think when you can really admit and grasp that your feelings are valid, to yourself, no one can ever convince you otherwise ever again, and it's up to us to make sure we don't do the same thing and neglect our own emotional reality. I still relapse into burying feelings and bottling them, as it was a coping mechanism from a long time ago, and I hate that I do revert back to that way of doing things, because I know it isn't ideal for me, but when I don't feel safe to express my emotional realm in front of certain people, like parents, then it is normal that I would go back to what I know.

I feel the safest when I am home alone, journaling my feelings and sitting with them, just sorting through them...or painting when they tend to come out through color and shape.

Glad I found this thread, it's helped me to remember that I was in fact emotionally neglected for many many years, and just because we lived an affluent life and had a roof over our heads and a family that were 'together' (even though my parents never expressed any loving behavior towards each other in my presence the entire time I was living with them as a child and teenager.

It helps a lot to put a name to it and to see that others have been through the same thing. So many people envied me when I was a teenager, for my family and our lifestyle, and I felt guilty for having no real problems. It was a total shock to me years later when I finally realized that my family were actually very very f*cked up, and dysfunctional, and all along I was right there with all the people I knew who came from f*cked up families...I just didn't know it.

 

[ms spock]

The emotional neglect and deprivation are hard nuts to crack.

 

[smokeandmirrors]

No you are not talking too much. It makes perfect sense and it is helping me.

It was good enough. It was always good enough and probably far much more than good enough, it was probably near perfect. Just your parents were never good enough to appreciate you, they were not good enough to have you, not the other way round.

They punished you enough by doing this to you. No need to punish yourself for their failures, their lack of humanity. Reward yourself for surviving such horrible parents.

YOU are good enough to get love, Just not from those parents who were not capable of knowing what love was. How blessed they were to have you and how they threw that away.

Replying years after you wrote this... thank you for your healing words. So many people need to read this.

 

[mamachick]

Before having ptsd, I had a belief, which is-We teach people how to treat us. I am very aware of that today because of some events that have happened in the past 24 hours. My behavior of accomodating others probably comes from emotional neglect among other reasons, but in the past 24 hours, I have given 2 different people permission to impose on my time at their request, both cancelled inconsiderately, and I am left feeling angry. Both interfered with my otherwise plans and caused me to waste my day of what I would have normally done. While I do not feel emotionally neglected by their behavior, I realize that those who are emotionally abusive have that same characteristic. They are takers, not givers. They have no concern for your time, but their time is of upmost importance. Putting you out or inconveniencing you is of no concern. They always need something, but are never there to help you or listen to you.

I am committing to evaluating all current relationships. Those that do not benefit me in a healthy way need to go or at least be restricted to a minimum, requiring me to be very assertive and say NO when it is not convenient for me.

 

[Peng]

im 16 and i have grown up feeling terrible every once in a while. I finally realize why i feel this way sometimes.
I use to search up depression and other more serious disease and i don't have thoughts of suicide and other serious symptoms. So i thought that i was just weak. I tried to grow up. It hurted and i didn't understand.


Growing up i realize that i was.
terrorized
ignored
rejected
isolated

I still remember that when i was very little (Maybe 5 yrs old?) i did something wrong. My mom yelled at me. Put me on a chair and said that she was not going to take me home. I only remember my mom yelling at me when i was young. I know that it seem selfish of me to say that but growing up we were poor. So she wasn't able to buy me things. I was dissappointed when i saw all the other kids receive nice toys. I got some educational thing. lol asians.

Only happens when i do something wrong. It is my form of punishment.
However i have been isolated for quite a while. No technology. Not allowed to go out. Sometimes i go crazy in my house wishing to get out. Life even seems normal. Sometimes i go against the rules. I feel guilty. My parents don't realize that i feel guilty when i break the rules. I don't want to break them. I also don't want to feel the way i do. So alone. i lose motivation. I know they don't understand. I probably wouldn't be on this forum if everything was fine.

My life situation is a bit different from most people. I just lost all motivation today. My parents don't have time for me anymore. They are a host family. I understand everything. I just wished for something different.

Funny thing is that it's spring break. I feel so much better at school than at home. It has actually gotten more stressful during spring break.

I don't even know if this is where i should post stuff. I just click on the first forum site that popped up and sign up and then started typing.

 

[Tenzing33]

Ok here goes. I think l have been having a year long breakdown. I can't stop thinking about my childhood, never spoke about it to anyone. Dad left my mum when i was 3.5. He left because of my mums chracter, lucky him. I had already got a bit of a stutter by this point apparently but this came on strong after dad left. Whatever triggered the stutter i can't remember, but i know it was my mums crazy irrational anger.

I think this is part of the breakdown, you can't mentally process what u can't remember. So frustrating.

I new by 4.5 she hated me. she told me and my twin sister we ruined her life by being born. She didn't want twins. This all destroyed my confidence and self esteem. First day in school to the last i was the scruffiest kid. I was th only kid in school who was cutting his own hair begging his mum to give me a bowl haircut, my clothes were all donated from charaties, you could see the dirt and grease on the sleaves before i first wore them. Broke a window when i was 6 about it all, but the anger i had about her lack of care had no affect. Add that to the other borded up window in my bedroom (storm of 86 ?). 15 bloody years later still wasn't fixed. The builder who bought the house didn't even look inside. I ncould never let anyone in due to embarassment.

So the problems my life started following me into school. Teachers started to get concerned spoke to mum, who would of acted concerned. She took me to a couple of speech therapy. Never stuttered once she was really nice. Problem solved , not. Despite all the poverty in my life everyone in family worked. Mum got piseed with step dad drinking buddy evey night of her life, my real dad and new wife were pretty well off and middle class. Thanks for the £40 a month maintance dad, it barely paid for friday takeaway night. The bar stewards even wrote their name on the leftovers for the next day. My dad once bought me a pair of shoes because the massive holes in mine embarassed him. Didn't bother me i knew i was an embarassment i accepted it.

As far as dental hygiene that was none exsistant. Had a blazing with mum age 6. She was the kid i was the adult. She denied me as always then screamed at me to clean teeth. I was so sick of being shouted at so i mentally refused. Although when i say i stopped i never really started.

Yeah i know its screwed up. I think part attention seeking part withdrawing. Lookihg back i had already checked out of life, the same way a herion addict/homeless person does. I new at that age i would be nothing in life, wasn't worth it. Self neglects aweird thing. You destroy yourself sit back and pretend you're ok. Didn't see dentist for years. 11 or 12 yrs old nearly went into hospital 6 teeth out countless filings told me and sis we would have false teeth by the age of 18. He memeant really my teeth were literally breaking. Sister took the message she was tougher than me. Tbh i hated my mum but hated myself more. It was my punishment for being such a burden.

Anyway the dentist was wrong, mum never took me back. I was 22. Looking back my mum kept my problems a secret nobody ever spoke to me asked me what the f i was doing, the would slyly tell people im a junkie. I didn't care. suicidal from age 15. Attempted age 21. Hospital stiched up both my wrists. 2 mins with social worker. I couldn talk. 5am i set off on my 10 mile walk home. I never sought professional help i think this put me off. Ran away from family, its easy when nobody talks. Were pretty estranged now. My older brother and stepdad saw a diffent side to my mother and that i never saw, and so they don't understands me. My karate lessons sum it up. I remember the pride in their voice when they went to watch my brother get his belts, he made it to yellow(?) the belt before black and brown. I made it to one lesson . It was the one time in my life she willingly spent time with me watching me from the stands. I was so proud afterwards when i went to find her. As normal she couldn't hide it. Within 1 second she was breaking down “i can't do it . I can't do it. I can't do it ” we walked home in silence. I realised what the true problem was then. It wasn't the poverty. It wasn't my brother it was me.

When i was 12 a guy knocked on the door. He was smart polite. Hi im youre brother i've not got a brother i told him. He spoke to my mum. Never saw him again. Mum told us he's a junkie now im older i wonder where he is and why did she abandon him. I realise now she did care and love us she had mental health issues and couldn't cope with life, its easy for the father they can run away if their not happy.

The truth is u might laugh at me and my life. You're welcome to beat me up on here. Thats ok but how do i stop beating myself. Through out november i lost the emotion of happiness. I've got it back now but i worry i'll go back to that. Forgot to mention i don't know but she might of had aids. Just something i heard in a row. I can't ask her shes dead but i wonder my birth could of caused it. C'est la vie.

 

[Knak]

Ok here goes. I think l have been having a year long breakdown. I can't stop thinking about my childho...

Reading your post is so sad, almost devastating, as are many members' posts in this topic. It's hard to believe someone can undergo such abuse and I know how others in the world can react as if they don't care but they must not be able to relate to the depth of pain involved. They need to pretend they never saw it because they can't grasp what it would take to overcome the injury done.
I can relate to that - I can see how long it could take and how many resources you can be rebuffed by because they are so shocked they don't want to see you because they know they can't help you and it scares them. There is so much pain to face and feel just to heal through layers of what you've experienced.
Thank God there are others here who can relate only because they have been through similar abuse and can respond, if only to say I hear you and see you.
The abusive relationships continue because it is all you know and the pain feels unbearable, as I have experienced it but feeling it is the only way to heal. And it seems like it never ends. I learned there is a tunnel of doubt when we are lost and don't see the end of it, but that is what it is. A tunnel of doubt and there is an end if you pursue.
You need to have help facing these issues so you can be validated by those with enough love to see through the bad person you think you are to the person you are in God's eyes. He loves you more than you will ever know.
Only people who experience this depth of pain and have the strength to undergo what it takes to heal from at least part of it can give you hope, because they are proof it can be done, and know what it takes.
Mostly you need to replace bad people with healthy ones so you know there is a difference.
I will pray for your sense of hope and surety that you are loved by your creator and those who know Him and have been saved by His love, i.e. through people who are open vessels for God to work through them.
He is my source but some feel differently.
When people have been destroyed by those supposed to care and help them it is amazing to hear them tell their story so clearly. The self doubt is a curse from hell and is to be hated. I pray you know that in your heart.
Your mom did not love you. I went through that. She did not know how to love or what love is. Forget her. She destroyed you. You do not need her and you are not responsible to help her.

 

[anonymous]

im 16 and i have grown up feeling terrible every once in a while. I finally realize why i feel this way som...

I can relate to much of what you are saying and the neglect is the biggest thing although they are bullying you and using you as a punching bag, which is so cruel for a child, much less their own who they are supposed to love, help and protect. Also their job is to teach you how to face the world to help you be on your own. To let you experience life and when you have a problem to help you figure out how to handle it best.
I don't get why parents hate their kids. Some people have kids because they think the child will give them the love they need. I know other mothers who ignore their kids to do what they want, like they are kids themselves running free.
I hate that you are stuck there being tortured. I don't want to tell you to just wait and it will straighten itself out because that is what I did and I ended up being depressed and alcoholic and had a breakdown because I couldn't function once I was out on my own. I felt like there was something wrong with me, that I was different from other people because I could not make friends or get a job to support myself.
I don't want to discourage you. All I can say is that I finally started healing and separating my life from what others think or care after many years of self abuse.
Don't buy into their sick treatment of you. I don't know how to tell you to rise above it but that is what is true. You are better than them. It would be better if you lived with someone else who was healthy and treated you like a human being.
Feeling guilty is self destructive. You need someone healthy in your life but if you are trapped in isolation I don't know how you do that. I guess I relate to being in that situation and still don't know what I could have done.
I hope someone has a better idea how you can get out but since you are underage I don't know.
My experience talking to counselors at school was pretty disappointing but maybe you will have more luck.
I know that persistence and dependence on God were my greatest assets. I think you need to fight for what you deserve.
They have turned you into a helpless invisible self hater and it would be good training to start treating them like dictators that need to be deposed. Start hating them and acting it out to get practice because that is what the real world is like until you find good loving people.
I probably sound like a nut but wanted you to get some feedback and maybe someone else will read this and step in to give you better advice.

 

[Lionheart]

Emotional neglect is damaging to the heart and soul in my opinion and is also damaging to a persons feelings of self worth. I suffered through some emotional neglect and what I discovered is this:

I cannot go back and get the loving treatment I deserved to get as a child, but I can give myself the love that I missed, as an adult. By developing self-love and self-compassion and realizing my self-worth is priceless, I give myself that love, affection and attention that I deserved but didn't get.

I hope this helps in some way,

Peace,
Lion

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it left me more sensitive or prone to rejection & self-rejection, or exacerbated it. Oddly too & ironically as a double whammy also choosing not-sensitive & concerned-with-themelves people.

But maybe that is unkind & self-absorbed for me to think & say, & just a by-product of my own flaws & sensitivities, Idk. :( I just know it makes both staying or leaving feel rather irrelevant.

 

[Tinyflame]

But, then, I look out & see a beautiful star in the sky & figure we can only start out from where we are. (Though the light I see from the star started out years ago for me to be able to view it now.)